


Don't Let Me Go

by unfancyandy



Series: Cinema Dreams [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness, Never Let Me Go AU, Pining, Sexual Frustration, Sexual Tension, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Smut, childhood AU, this one's going to hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2018-11-01 22:56:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 86,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10931751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unfancyandy/pseuds/unfancyandy
Summary: Isak and Even have known each other for as long as Isak can remember, but it isn't long enough. Maybe if things had been different, then they would have felt they'd had enough time.An alternate universe based on the film Never Let Me Go adapted from Kazuo Ishiguro's book of the same title.





	1. Can you help me out?

**Author's Note:**

> Some things to note: 
> 
> Isak, Even, and Sonja are all the same age.  
> Instead of set in England, this is set in Norway.  
> Miss Julie is kind of based on Julie Andem.  
> Jonas and Eva and Emma will be joining the story later on.  
> Nissen is Hailsham in this universe.  
> I'm loosely following the timeline in the film Never Let Me Go.

 

 

 **The breakthrough in medical science came in 1952.**  
**Doctors could now cure the previously incurable.**  
**By 1967, life expectancy passed 100 years.**

 

 

_September 1994_

The man stood, shoulders slightly hunched forward, his fingers tips resting low on the glass pane of the operation room window. He tapped the glass nervously, leaving smudges. His fingernails were short and jagged from biting, a habit he’d developed in his youth and had never been able to control.

His name was Isak V. He was twenty-eight years old, but he didn’t look much older than twenty-three. He leaned his forehead forward on the glass and let out a long, labored breath that sprayed the window with fog. He closed his eyes and listened to the sound of his fingers on the glass. It didn’t soothe him.

The thing was, Isak was good at his job. He’d been caring for nine years and was arguably the best of his group stationed in Stavanger. His patients always did better than expected and were hardly ever classified as agitated, even when they were about to make a donation. This was what he did each time, waiting on the other side of the glass, being as close to his patients as possible during their operations. Normally, he was more professional than this, able to stand straight, breathe normally, make that small smile of comfort for his patients before their eyes fluttered closed.

Today was different. Today, Isak was falling apart. His skin felt both like it was too loose while simultaneously suffocating him. His knuckles were turning white from the pressure he was unwillingly putting on the glass with his fingers. His face was warm and his blonde hair was damp and clung to his forehead and temples. He couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes until he heard the door on the other side of the glass swing open. When he did finally open them, he was met with a stinging sensation in his eyes.

They wheeled Even in on an operating table. He was already shirtless and the sanitary blanket was draped over his body, but not high enough to hide the long scar several inches below his left nipple. Isak’s breathing picked up erratically when his eyes found Even’s. Even was leaning his head to the side, looking at Isak through the glass, a sad softness in his eyes. Isak lifted a hand higher up on the glass out of instinct, trying to reach for Even. The corners of Even’s mouth twitched into the smallest smile and then he tentatively wet his chapped lips with his tongue.

A pair of hands landed on Even’s neck, readjusting his head to look up into the bright light above him. Isak blinked away the tears as they put the mask over Even’s nose and mouth. Isak could see Even’s head slightly fighting the hands on either side of his face to turn and look toward Isak. Soon Even’s eyelids were fighting not to close, but it was useless. When they finally closed and didn’t open again, Isak’s tears were overflowing, utterly wrecking his vision as he realized he would never be able to look into that beautiful blue again.

Isak couldn’t bring himself to imagine what was to come next. Especially in this universe, he couldn’t imagine a future without Even in it. So as he slumped to the ground, lightly pounding the glass, sobbing Even's name, his chest tight and heaving with pain, he found himself looking backward instead of forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_April 1977_

At ten-years-old, Isak didn’t remember much before Nissen. Sometimes fragments would come to him in the early morning hours as he woke up in his bunk or when he found himself daydreaming in class. His earliest memories that he could easily recall were those of playing in the grassy fields just outside the hall where he was now. Nissen had just always been there in his mind and his memory.

All the students around him knew the words by heart. They had taught the lyrics to them so young that it also seemed like Nissen in that it was always just there. All the students of Nissen sang the Nissen song every morning after breakfast in the great hall. It was the official start to the school day. Miss Lisbeth and the rest of the guardians stood at the front of the hall on the elevated stage as the children stood from their chairs and sang the words diligently. Isak found the routine of it quite comforting and often chose to stand among several girls in his year that he knew loved to sing loudly. That way Isak didn’t have to sing so loud and be mocked for his voice he was convinced wasn’t any good.

A few rows ahead of him, standing at a chair by the center aisle stood a boy far too tall for their year. Even B had always been taller than everyone. Isak couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t the tallest in their year. Even in the year above them, Even was still two inches taller than the tallest boy. His shoulders were broad and Isak could see his shoulder blades fidgeting beneath Even’s gray shirt as his hands swayed at his sides. Even didn’t find any comfort in the Nissen song like Isak. He actually hated the practice and felt annoyed by the monotony of it.

The tall boy dropped his head to his right shoulder, and Isak felt his voice catch in his throat as he watched the lazy way the boy ahead of him sang the Nissen song, mesmerized by the bobbing of his Adam's apple bobbing. Guardian Marie walked down the aisle, singing the song with them and she lightly nudged Even’s slumped head with her hand, causing him to stand up straight again. Her actions also tore Isak from his distraction. He cleared his throat quietly and picked up right at the end of the song.

When they all finished, Even was all too quick to sit, his butt plopping in his chair a second before everyone else. Isak planted his feet firmly on the ground and clasped his hands together, holding them between his thighs as he listened to Miss Lisbeth’s morning announcements. She seemed to be saying nothing of true importance, just reminders for the younger children as usual. But then Miss Geraldine stood from her chair at the stage and walked up to the podium with a glass in her hand. Isak didn’t even need to squint to see what she was holding.

He heard a few gasps from the girls around him. Vilde leaned over and whispered in his ear, “Are those…” she started. Before Isak could answer her, Miss Lisbeth’s loud voice was booming over the great hall again.

“As you know, smoking at Nissen is strictly forbidden from the students,” she began. Miss Geraldine paced across the stage, holding the glass high. “Three cigarettes were found by the north fence yesterday,” she announced.

More whispers were heard around Isak as the children tried guessing at who had done it. Vilde leaned back over, “Mari thinks Alfred from the eighth year did it,” she gossiped.

“You may see guardians around the grounds smoking cigarettes, but no student of Nissen is permitted to do so,” Miss Lisbeth warned. “Students of Nissen are special. Keeping yourselves well, keeping yourselves healthy is of paramount importance,” she reminded them, her eyes searching out amongst the crowd of students. In his peripheral vision, Isak noticed Even shift uncomfortably in his seat.

Isak just wondered to himself how students would have found cigarettes in the first place.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

In their afternoon break after classes, most of the students went out to the south yard to play kickball. Isak always much preferred football, so when it seemed like there were enough kids on the field already, he wandered off to sit in the grass with Sonja and Vilde. Isak began ripping and grabbing at the grass with his hands and letting them go to drift away in the soft breeze.

Sonja was playing with her delicate porcelain horse that Vilde said Sonja never let anyone else play with. “When I’m an adult, I’m going to have five horses,” Sonja announced. Vilde had her fingers in her pale blonde hair, twisting the strands into a long tight braid. “One will be named Thunder,” Sonja decided, dancing the horse around in the grass. “He’ll be the fastest and the wildest. You can’t ride him, Vilde, because he’s too dangerous for you. You couldn’t handle it,” she told her.

Vilde nodded her head, “That’s okay.”

Isak just rolled his eyes. He didn’t understand why Vilde was even friends with Sonja.

“But you can ride Bumble,” Sonja added, “He’ll be the tamest.”

Sonja went on and on about the horses she would have and Isak tuned her out, paying attention to the game going on in front of them. Matthias kicked a line drive out in the field where Even was positioned. Even jumped on it, quickly turning and running back toward the fence. He leaped in the air and caught the ball firmly in his arms and tumbled down into the grass. His teammates cheered and Isak tapped his fingers on his shoe.

“Who’s that?” Vilde interrupted his private thoughts. She was braiding Sonja’s hair now.

“That’s Even, silly,” Sonja chided.

“No, I know who Even is, Sonja. I mean, who’s that woman out there?” Vilde pointed.

Isak’s eyes followed Vilde’s outstretched finger. His gaze landed on a tall, lean woman walking about in the grass on the other side of the field. He had never seen her before, but he had an idea, “I think that’s the new guardian,” he guessed.

“Oh, your right!” Sonja shouted. “That has to be Miss Julie.”

“Miss Julie,” Isak repeated. “Yeah, I think that’s her.”

Just then Alfred kicked the ball way out over Even’s head. It flew high and long in the air. Even tried for it, quickly turning to run for it. He heard the others in the field shouted Even’s name, cheering him on, “Get it, Even!” Isak watched him as Even’s legs pumped, his hands cutting through the air as he chased after it. Then his running came to a slow jog until he finally stopped about ten feet from the south fence. The ball landed about fifteen yards beyond the fence, bouncing to a stop below a tree out there.

Even hung his head and turned around to walk back towards the others. Isak, Vilde, and Sonja were too busy watching the ball and Even that they didn’t even notice when Miss Julie walked up beside them. Miss Julie looked on in confusion, staring out at the tree where the ball had come to a stop. “Why didn’t Even get the ball?” she asked Isak, looking down at him and casting a shadow over his eyes. “There’s a gate in the fence there, he could easily get it,” she continued, confused.

Isak had never been quick to speak. Sonja was just the opposite, answering for him, “Miss Julie, no one goes beyond the fence.”

“Why not?” she asked, turning to Sonja.

“We’re not allowed,” Sonja answered.

“I heard that a girl went beyond that fence last year and they wouldn’t let her back in. She had to live out there and she starved. No one saw her again,” Vilde spoke up.

“Alfred said a boy snuck outside the fence in his second year and they cut off his hands and sent him away,” Sonja added.

“My goodness, those are such awful stories. You don’t believe them, do you?” she asked the girls.

This time Isak spoke up, “Of course we do. Who would make up such awful stories, Miss Julie?”

Miss Julie’s eyebrows scrunched together in thought, looking down at the blond boy. She didn’t seem to have an answer for him.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Art class was Isak’s least favorite part of the week. He just drew the same sketches of trees and lakes every time, only changing up the colors of his pencils occasionally. His sketches weren’t always picked for the gallery, but he already had about a dozen of them picked in his time at Nissen. He didn’t understand the point.

“What are you painting, Even?” Sonja asked him who had sat down diagonally across from Isak.

Even scratched his chin nervously, spreading some blue paint on his skin.

Matthias stood up from his easel to take a look, “It looks like a weird dog,” he commented.

“Really,” Martha joined, “It has a long snout though. It looks more like a rat.”

“Yeah, yeah!” Matthias nodded, “It does look like a rat!”

Even bit his bottom lip so hard the skin started turning red. Isak was annoyed with Sonja. She knew Even hated when the other kids watched him paint.

“Make sure to add the whiskers!” Matthias teased, slapping Even on the back.

Even scoffed, setting his paintbrush down, “It’s an elephant.”

Isak could help peering over, tilting his head to take in the shape. The belly of the elephant had an inward spiral and there were strange shapes of different shades of blue around the animal. As Isak tilted his head, the light catching the paint shifted and the shapes seemed to dance around the elephant.

“It doesn’t even have ears,” Martha mocked, “Good luck getting chosen for the gallery, Even!” Even looked visibly deflated, his shoulders hunching over. He looked up around the table, his eyes falling on Isak.

Isak skirted his eyes away when they made eye contact but he still felt Even’s gaze on him as Miss Julie shushed Matthias and Martha and told them to get back to their work. His heart was racing as he picked up the red pencil and went in on the shading in his drawing.

Miss Julie patted Even on the back, “That’s lovely, Even. I would put that in my gallery if I had one,” she smiled. Isak couldn’t help looking up at Miss Julie and smiling, too. When she walked away to look at the other student’s artwork, Isak’s eyes fell once again and met Even’s pale blue ones. This time he didn’t look away. Neither did Even.

“You have paint on your chin,” Isak told him. He lifted his hand to his own chin to show Even where. Even looked down at his fingers and noticed the paint there.

He lifted up his hands. “Can you help me out?” he asked leaning over towards Isak across the table.  

Isak didn’t reply with his words, just lifted his hand to quickly rub away the bit of paint from Even’s skin, willing it not to shake. He was always so nervous around Even. It drove him crazy, “There,” he said when he was done, “All gone.”

“Thanks,” Even smiled. Isak smiled back, looking him in the eye, his chest filling with warmth and his cheeks flushing. It wasn’t until Even softly shook his head and his grin widened that he picked up his paintbrush again and began painting on ears, breaking the eye contact.

Isak only let his eyes linger for a few moments longer, eventually returning to his drawing, trying to ignore the warm feeling in his chest. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not exactly sure how long this will be, but I'm thinking about 12-15 chapters.  
> It will be told in basically three distinct parts with the first part more deserving of a Teen rating rather than Mature, but it will get mature by the second part. 
> 
> Let me know what you think so far!


	2. Nice skin.

 

 

_August 1982_

Isak was having a nightmare. It was the kind of dream where he knew he was dreaming but he couldn’t wake up from it. His chest heaved as he ran in the night, knees pumping and hands slicing the air, but the fence seemed to be getting farther and farther away from him no matter how fast he ran toward it.

“Isak! Run faster!” Even yelled from the other side, in the safety of Nissen’s yard.

“I can’t!” Isak shouted back, heaving, “I can’t!”

Finally, his body granted him his release as he shot up in bed, lungs heaving and his heart thudding impossible fast in his chest. He leaned forward on his bunk, gripping the sheets and trying to catch his breath when he felt warm arms wrap around his and a flat chest against his back.

“Isak,” Even whispered in his ear, “Isak, calm down. It’s just a dream. Come on, breathe,” he urged, placing a firm hand on Isak’s chest and wrapping an arm around his abdomen.

Even had gotten up from his bunk which was just to the left of his own. All the other boys were still asleep, curled under their blankets and unmoving. Isak nodded, trying to get his breathing back to normal as he held his own hand on top of Even’s still against his thundering heart, “I’m okay,” he finally huffed out, breathless.

Even didn’t reply, just let his arms loosen around Isak and scooted away from him. Isak twisted on the mattress to plant both of his feet on the wooden floor to match Even next to him. “What happened this time?” Even asked quietly, rubbing his hand across Isak’s shoulder blades.

Isak shook his head, staring down at their feet, “It was just the fence again,” he explained. Even knew what he meant. Even knew about all of Isak’s bad dreams. He only knew the bad ones. Even would tell Isak about all the dreams he had, dreams about the future, about girls, about kissing. But Isak only ever told Even the bad ones. Sometimes when he tried hard enough, he could forget about the ones that usually flooded his head during the day – images of plump, chapped lips and large firm hands on his skin. He didn’t think Even would understand, and he didn’t want to give him reason to distance himself from Isak.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Isak whispered, standing up from the mattress. He stumbled forward, his legs weak, but Even stopped him from toppling over on his bunk, grabbing Isak’s hips with his hands, his fingers slipping beneath the fabric of his t-shirt.

“Hey, I got ya,” Even steadied him. Isak’s breath hitched and he hoped Even would think it was from his near collapse, not the sensation of Even’s fingers on his skin.

Isak stepped away from him tentatively, anchoring himself by holding onto the bedpost, “Thanks.”

Even dropped his hands to his side, “Do you need help getting to the bathroom?”

Isak shook his head, “No, no, I’m fine,” he said as he started shuffling toward the large room’s double doors, “I can piss by myself, thanks,” he smirked.

Even laughed but then clapped his hand over his mouth when he heard Matthias’ snoring hitch, worried he’d woken him up. Isak quietly walked over to the doors and held his wrist up to the panel on the wall that beeped and opened the door. The implants in their hands were like keys to get in and out of certain rooms. They also alerted the guardians of their whereabouts.

In the bathroom, Isak didn’t actually need to piss. Instead he leaned over the sink, turning it on and splashing cold water on his face. He looked down at the front of his sleep shorts and groaned, “Go away,” he pleaded.

It had started happening more often than he thought possible, but it was usually when he woke up in the mornings. He’d lean up in bed to find a short tent in his sheets over his pelvis, quickly turning over afraid of who had seen. Even always woke up before him. There was no way he hadn’t seen it happen before, but he never brought it up in conversation. This time it happened from Even’s hands, the way he wrapped himself around Isak, rubbing his back, grabbed his hips.

Isak felt himself twitch. “Damnit,” he cursed. He quickly locked himself in a stall, pulled down his pants, and sat on the toilet doing the only thing he knew to make it go away.

When he was finished, he washed his hands at the sink and splashed more cold water on his face before leaving the bathroom. Back in the boys’ dormitory where his year slept every night. Even was already turned over on his side, facing toward Isak’s bed, his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted. He could fall asleep in minutes. It was like a superpower and Isak was definitely jealous.

Isak crawled under his covers after changing his shirt that had become damp with sweat and water from the sink. He laid on his back, staring up at the wooden beams on the ceiling. Slowly, Isak head turned to the side and his eyes landed on Even’s face. He let himself look a little longer before he turned onto his side, facing away from him and burying the side of his face into his pillow.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

Isak was always picked first for football. The oldest two boys were always the captains and without fail, Julian picked him first. Everyone knew Isak was fast and good with his feet, scoring more goals that anyone else. Even was a different story. He could run, but as soon as the ball was kicked to him, he usually fumbled with it too much, tangling his feet sometimes and falling. Julian and Matthias kept picking players until it came down to just Even and Markus.

Even hopped lightly on his feet, swinging his arms back and forth in his new football jersey he’d bought at the shop last month. It looked good on him, Isak though, accentuating his broad shoulders in a way that made him look older. He was only fourteen, but he could easily pass for sixteen.

He was distracted by Even’s movements when he heard Vilde and Sonja’s laughing from across the field. They were sitting in a group with Elise, Sara, and Ingrid. Sara was pointing over at Even and Markus standing next to each other, whispering something in Ingrid’s ear.

“I’ll take Markus,” Julian decided.

Matthias laughed, “Looks like no one wants you, Even.”

“Shut up, Matthias,” Isak muttered, glaring at him.

The other boys took off running as the girls laughed. Even looked so hurt. Isak was frozen where he stood, trying to look into Even’s eyes. Even took a tentative step forward, looking after Matthias, Julian and the others who were already passing the ball amongst themselves. He then turned around, walking a few steps away before Isak saw his shoulders tense. He braced for it. He always knew they were coming by the way Even’s shoulders tensed.

Even thrashed his arms in the air and a loud, agonizing scream ripped from his throat. They weren’t even words, the sounds Even would make when his temper ran away from him like this. He would scream and rage until his muscles ached and his voice became sore. The girls kept laughing off to the side and when Isak glared over at them, he was glad to see Vilde had gone.

He stepped forward tentatively when Even’s voice crack and the screams stopped, his shoulders heaving with exhaustion. He reached a hand forward, about to touch his right shoulder, “Even?”

Before he could touch him, Even was whipping around so fast that his arms flung, his right knuckles colliding with Isak’s jaw. Isak staggered backward, surprised by the action. He held his hand up to his jaw and massaged the sensitive skin there. Even’s eyes were wide and his red cheeks were stained with tears. He wiped at his eyes furiously and ran off toward the main building, leaving Isak to stand there in shock.

 

   

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

Even didn’t sleep in his bunk that night. That usually happened after his rages. Isak was used to expecting that, but he never knew how long it would last. Sometimes he slept in the infirmary for days, missing classes and meals. They never let anyone visit him when he was monitored by the doctors that way. When he came back and joined the students the next day or days later, he was never quite himself right away. It took time for the smile to creep back on his lips and the fire to ignite in his eyes.

Isak had never seen or heard of Even lashing out and hitting anyone, so he was surprised when he entered the breakfast hall to see Even sitting alone at a table in the middle of the room.

He quickly turned around, lifting his hand to his jaw to press on the bruise that had turned a multitude of shades of green, blue, and yellow. It made him wince. He grabbed a tray from the shelf and scooped eggs, potatoes, and toast on his plate. When he turned back around, Even’s head was still hung low, lazily pushing his fork around his eggs.

Isak wanted to give Even his space. He wanted to just walk away and sit with Vilde and Sonja. He thought that would be best for Even, but then Isak was ignoring all those thoughts, striding steadily toward the nearly empty table. He set his tray down and slid onto the bench seat across from Even.

“Isak,” Even looked up at him, still hunched over.

“Hey Even,” Isak replied, biting into his toast.

Even looked confused, “Aren’t you sitting with the girls?”

“Actually Even, I just double checked and I’m not sitting with the girls.”

Even said nothing, just stared, mouth falling open a little.

Isak rolled his eyes. “I’m sitting with you,” he said matter-of-factly.

The corners of Even’s mouth turned upwards into a smile and he started eating his food, too. They ate in silence together for a while. Forks scraping the plates with vigor. Sonja always told Isak he should slow down when he ate and Isak always shrugged it off, eating quicker to piss her off.

“That looks like it hurts,” Even mentioned in between bites, staring at Isak’s jaw.

Isak shook his head, “It’s not that bad, really,” he replied.

“Isak,” Even looked at him.

“What?” Isak shrugged.

Even lifted his hand, “Can I?” reaching toward Isak’s face.

Isak coughed, “Uh, okay, sure.” He put his fork down and leaned across the table for Even’s long arm to reach his jaw. Even’s fingers landed slightly above the bruise, barely tickling his skin. Even skimmed his thumb down, just lightly brushing over the discolored skin. He tried to pull Isak’s jaw closer, pressing down with his thumb and Isak winced in pain.

“I’m sorry!” Even jumped back, withdrawing his hand. “I’m really sorry.”

Isak shrugged again, “It’s okay. Really.”

“No, Isak. I would never want to hurt you,” Even told him, head hanging, but still keeping eye contact. “I mean, I would never want to hurt anyone. But especially not you.”

Isak’s chest burned with heat and it felt like flowers were blooming in his stomach. He smiled, picking up his fork again and nodding, “I know.” Even smiled back.

Miss Geraldine walked by, “Finish up those potatoes, Even.”

“Yes, Miss Geraldine,” Even complied, scooping potatoes into his mouth.

“Oh dear, what happened to you Isak?” she asked, hunching down to look at his bruise.

“Oh, I fell is all,” Isak quickly told her, “Playing football yesterday,” he added for good measure.

“Well, alright. Make sure you go and see the doctor for your checkup this afternoon. He’ll want to take a look at that,” she nodded.

“Yes, Miss Geraldine,” Isak responded, returning to the small bits of food on his plate as she walked away.  

When she was out of earshot, Even leaned over, “You can tell the doctor I hit you. I should have told him yesterday, but I just felt out of it.”

“I don’t see why I need to do that,” Isak disagreed. “Would that heal it faster?” he asked facetiously.

Even scoffed, “No, but I just mean. You don’t have to lie for me.”

Isak just nodded, “I know, Even.” It seemed they understood each other though. Isak wouldn’t be telling the doctor the truth about his injury the same way Even hadn’t told the doctor about Isak’s nightmares. That’s just how it worked between them.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“Tea with sugar, please?” Markus asked Vilde who stood behind the makeshift counter on the stage in the theatre.

“One tea with sugar,” she replied, pretending to add the liquid to the mug. Markus paid her with a piece of paper and took the mug she handed him and went to sit at the table further downstage.

Even stepped up next, nervous, “Uhh, tea with sugar, please,” he spoke quickly. The students in the audience erupted in laughter, enjoying the nervous way Even bounced on his toes.

“That’s enough,” Miss Julie scolded the children. “Even, I want you to make your own order. Don’t just repeat what Markus said, alright?”

“Yes, Miss Julie,” Even nodded.

“What else is served in cafes?” she quizzed him.

“Water!” Even replied.

The other students began laughing again. Sonja’s laugh rang out the loudest from the front row. Isak could see Even’s cheeks flush pink from where he stood behind him in line. He leaned forward to whisper, “Coffee.”

“Coffee, please,” Even spoke softly to Vilde, handing her paper as well.

Miss Julie smiled, “Good job, Even.”

Vilde handed Even his mug and as Even turned to walk toward the table where Markus sat, he leaned into Isak’s space and whispered a thank you to Isak so close to his ear that it made Isak shudder. From the corner of his eye, he could see Sonja eyeing them from her seat, a small smirk dancing on her lips.

“Isak?” Vilde whisper-shouted. “It’s your turn!”

It was enough to pull Isak from his thoughts and step forward to place his order. If Isak had known what they would be discussing in health class an hour later, he would have gladly faked sick and gone to the doctor.

A skeleton model was laid on the desk in Miss Lisbeth’s classroom. Isak had made the mistake of sitting in the second row right behind Sonja. Even sat diagonally behind him, a few rows back. He was never permitted to sit in the front – just plain too tall.

Miss Lisbeth had pinned anatomically correct pictures and diagrams to the chalkboard of boy parts and girl parts. She went on talking about how they interact in detail. All the girls leaned forward and Isak sunk in his desk as he listened to Miss Lisbeth use words like “aroused” and “intercourse” and “sexual drive” like they were everyday words.

He couldn’t help staring at the diagram of the vagina, utterly confused by the many parts of it. He didn’t seem to be the only one. Vilde leaned forward from where she was sitting behind him, “I can’t believe that’s what it looks like down there,” she whispered.

Isak just sunk further into his chair. Miss Lisbeth went on about how the students of Nissen were special. Other people could have sexual intercourse and make babies, but Nissen students didn’t. She talked about how it was important that Nissen students engage sexually in the coming years and that hormonal monitoring would begin for Isak’s year soon. Before she went on about the girls’ menstrual cycles he noticed Sonja shift in her seat ahead of him, looking over her shoulder to smile at Even.

Isak gulped.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night Isak couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Miss Lisbeth explained why Isak’s penis would stand up, well not Isak’s specifically, but he was both fascinated and uncomfortable to know how it worked and why it worked. He had turned over to face away from Even so as to deter an unwanted arousal. He was racking his brain, trying to remember a time it happened when he was thinking of a girl, but he never found an instance.

“Hey Isak,” Even whispered, “Are you awake?”

Isak inhaled and exhaled, calming himself before he turned over to face Even.

Even was lying on his stomach, hugging is pillow beneath his chest. Isak’s eyes immediately landed on Even’s arms, the muscles slightly twitching beneath the skin as he moved slightly. “Yeah,” Isak replied, swallowing thickly.

“What did you think of health class today?” Even asked immediately, not even working up to it.

Isak shrugged, looking up at the ceiling, “I don’t know. Kind of weird.”

Even hummed, like he was mulling over Isak’s answer. “Yeah.”

Neither of them said anything.

“But kind of cool, right?” Even added.

Isak didn’t dare look at him. “Cool?” he asked, hoping Even would explain further.

Even shifted to lie on his side, propping his head up with his arm and dancing his fingers over the pillow. Isak knew there was about three feet of space between their bunks, but he could easily imagine that space disappearing and his bunk merging with Even’s. He could imagine his head on Even’s pillow, Even’s hands dancing on his chest.

Isak quickly flipped over to push his groin into the mattress as a preemptive defense. “Yeah, Even started. I mean, I kind of had all these questions about it and I never thought I could ask, but then, I didn’t even have to. Miss Lisbeth just told us.”

“That’s true,” Isak considered his explanation, “I wouldn’t want to ask about it.”

Even nodded, mindlessly pulling at the seam of his pillowcase. “You know, I saw Matthias and Martha kissing after class?”

“You did?” Isak asked immediately, almost not believing him.

Even nodded, smiling, “Yeah, they were beneath the staircase. I think I saw his tongue.”

“His tongue?” Isak whispered.

Even nodded again, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

“Huh,” Isak huffed. “Tongue,” he muttered to himself, imagining what it would feel like to touch his tongue against someone else’s.

“I think they’ll be the first to have sex in our year,” Even said quietly.

Isak didn’t reply immediately, but that seemed to make sense, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Even shifted back down to lie on his stomach again, hugging the pillow and looking over at Isak. “All the boys seem to like Sara,” Even offered as a conversation piece.

“Oh, I hadn’t noticed,” Isak replied, rubbing his nose. A silence fell between them.

“Sonja’s pretty,” Even added. “Right?”

Isak’s whole body suddenly felt warm in a way that made him feel uncomfortable. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Even asked.

Isak shrugged, “She has nice skin, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Even agreed, “Nice skin.”

Isak just nodded, not wanting to keep the conversation going.

“And she’s tall,” Even said.

Isak didn’t say anything.

“Almost as tall as you,” Even specified.

That made Isak look up, but Even wasn’t looking at him anymore. He was biting his lip.

“I guess,” was all Isak offered. He turned over, facing away from Even, “I’m tired. I’m going to sleep,” he decided, faking a yawn.

“Okay, Isak,” was all he heard from behind him, Even’s voice soft and quiet. Then about a minute later, even softer, “Good night.”

Isak shut his eyes, never replying.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there will be one more chapter of Part One.


	3. Do you want to be alone?

 

 

 

_October 1982_

“How many pieces do you have in Madame’s gallery now, Isak?” Vilde asked lying next to him on the blanket in the grass. It was an unusually warm, sunny day in October. Isak, Vilde, and Sonja had bundled up in their coats and boots and decided to take advantage of the warm weather.

Isak folded his arms behind his head, staring up at the swaying tree branch overhead. Madam had come to visit yesterday, looking through the students’ artwork. She never interacted directly with the students, always avoiding them in the halls, but taking their artwork as she pleased. “I think thirteen,” Isak mused.

“I don’t get why she likes so much of your art. It all looks the same,” Sonja interrupted.

Isak shrugged, “You’re right. I don’t get it either.”

Sonja must not have been expecting that reply because it seemed her words caught in her throat. Vilde leaned up on her elbow to look over at her on the other side of Isak, “How many do you have in the gallery, Sonja?” she asked her.

“Oh, I’ve lost track,” Sonja said. Isak didn’t buy it for one second. He knew she’d been keeping tabs on everyone. “Probably about thirty, I’d say,” she pretended to guess.

“Wow,” Vilde exhaled, laying back down, this time a little closer to Isak than she was before. “I only have four in the gallery. She hasn’t taken any of my art since fifth year.”

“Really?” Isak asked. He didn’t understand. He’d always like Vilde’s drawings.

Vilde shrugged, “Yeah, I guess she doesn’t really like my art anymore.”

“Don’t say that, Vilde,” Sonja chastised her. “Your art is great. She’ll take one next time,” she encouraged.

“Thanks, Sonja,” Vilde spoke quietly.

Isak turned to look at Sonja, surprised by her words.

“What, Isak?” she grimaced, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

 _Never mind_ , Isak thought to himself. Sonja was still borderline unbearable. “Nothing,” he shrugged, readjusting on the blanket.

For a few minutes, none of them spoke, just listened to the breeze and the steady flow of the fountain in the yard. Sonja cleared her throat, “So, Matthias and Martha had sex.”

Truth was, Isak had heard that rumor, too, but he hadn’t decided whether or not to believe it. Vilde, however, seemed to have not heard it.

“Really?” she gasped, sitting up straight and turning to look at Sonja.

Sonja sat up, too. Both girls sat, crossing their legs, facing each other with Isak still lying between them. Sonja nodded, “She told me all about it.”

“She did?” Vilde asked again, voice impossibly high she almost squealed. “What did she say?”

Sonja shrugged, “She said it was fine. She said she didn’t understand why so many girls in our year are scared of it.”

“Girls are scared of it?” Isak asked, sitting up on his elbows. That was news to him. The idea had certainly scared Isak, though he definitely wouldn’t be telling Sonja that. But he was scared for probably different reasons.

“Well, yeah,” Vilde told him. “I mean, I think it’s scary. I don’t want it to hurt.” That’s when Isak decided he was scared of it for different reasons, reasons he still couldn’t find the words to explain.

“I don’t think you need to worry any time soon, Vilde,” Sonja spoke matter-of-factly, “You haven’t even kissed anyone yet.” It surprised Isak how Sonja continued to surprise him with how insensitive she was. Where was her heart? Truthfully, Isak hadn’t kissed anyone either, but he knew the boys didn’t tease him as much, in general, and no one had even asked. The girls teased each other, that he was certain. They could be so cruel.  

“I almost kissed someone,” Vilde admitted.

“Who?” Isak asked. He couldn’t help it.

Vilde fidgeted nervously with her socks, “Markus.”

Isak groaned, “Ugh, not him, Vilde?!”

“No!” she explained, “I mean, he wanted to, but I didn’t.”

“Good,” Isak huffed, “He’s not a good guy.”

“Oh, and you are?” Sonja asked, peering down at him.

Isak rolled his eyes, “I didn’t say that. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying Markus isn’t a good guy and if Vilde wants to kiss someone, she should kiss a good guy.”

“So, who’s a good guy then?” Sonja asked, crossing her arms, looking a little angry.

Vilde’s eyes widened, “You didn’t!”

Sonja shot her a glare. “Sonja! You kissed Markus, didn’t you!” she squealed.

Her face turned red, with rage or embarrassment, or maybe both. “No, I, no, he just,” she groaned, dropping her head into her hands. Isak couldn’t stop smiling. It felt too good to see Sonja frustrated like this.

“Whatever,” Sonja sighed. “Don’t tell anyone?”

“Of course not,” Vilde agreed.

Isak just shrugged, “I don’t care to.” He really didn’t. A piece of him felt bad for her. After all, Sonja was Vilde’s friend and Isak loved Vilde. She was his closest friend. “Just make sure you kiss a good guy next time, yeah?” he offered, patting her knee.

She crossed her arms again, “You never answered me. Who’s a good guy, then?”

Isak shrugged, “I don’t know.” His mind went to one good guy – the best guy. “Someone who’s nice to you. Who doesn’t pull your hair or call you names. Someone who listens to you,” he suggested. “Someone like,” he started, but then he suddenly realized he didn’t want to finish his sentence.

“Someone like who?” Vilde pressed.

Isak wanted to curse himself. He sat up straight, hunching over himself, “You know, someone like Even. Even’s a good guy,” he finally got the words out. It was true. Even was a good guy - the best guy. He kept Isak’s secrets and didn’t make fun of him. He helped him with his nightmares and listened to Isak talk about them. He told Isak his hair looked nice, sometimes running his fingers softly through his curls. One night, he told Isak that Isak was his best friend after they talked for hours about what might be beyond the Nissen fence and where they would go if they ever left together.

Sonja’s next comment tore him from his thoughts, “But he’s violent, Isak.” She grabbed his chin, looking at his jaw. “You can still barely see the bruise he gave you.’

Isak hit her hand away, “That was an accident, Sonja. You know it. Besides, that was the other boys’ fault. They were being awful to him. You rather kiss one of them?” Isak defended Even. He wanted to stop himself. He was practically suggesting to Sonja that Even was the only boy in their year worthy of kissing. What was he doing?

“Maybe, I don’t know,” Sonja huffed, pulling her hair up into a ponytail. Isak physically bit his tongue to keep from replying to her.

“I wonder what will be at the shop tomorrow,” Vilde changed the subject.

“Oh yeah, the shop!” Sonja was excited. “I’ve been saving for months.”

“Are you going to buy anything this time?” Vilde asked Isak.

The truth was that he had been saving, too, but he usually never found anything he wanted. Sonja spoke before he could answer, “You have to get in there right away,” she explained. “You always wait until everybody else has been to all the tables before you even look for anything, Isak.”

Isak shrugged, “I like to take my time. I don’t want to just rush through the tables.”

“But when you’re taking your time, everyone else has already bought all the good stuff!” Sonja explained.

Isak just shrugged again.

“Oh my god, will you stop doing that?” Sonja asked. “Why do you always shrug?”

Isak shrugged again, this time consciously. Sonja groaned, standing up from the blanket, “I’m cold. I’m going back inside,” she announced as if Isak cared. She got a few steps away before she turned back to look at Vilde, “You coming?”

Vilde shook her head, “I’m gonna stay here a while longer.”

“Suit yourself,” Sonja dismissed her, finally walking away. When Isak saw her disappear behind the hedge, far enough away, he laid back down.

“She’s not a very nice girl, Vilde. I don’t understand why you’re friends with her,” he finally admitted. He was sure his dislike for Sonja was probably easily detectable on his face, but he had never told anyone out loud.

Vilde didn’t say anything at first, but then, “You just don’t know her like I do.”

Isak thought about it. Vilde didn’t know Even the way Isak did either. “I guess so,” he replied.

The breeze picked up a little bit, causing Vilde to shiver. “Are you cold? Do you want to go back inside?” he asked her, leaning back up.

She shook her head, pulling Isak back down by his shoulder, “No, I want to stay here a little longer.” When Isak’s back met the blanket once again, Vilde shifted closer and laid her head on his shoulder. “Is this okay?” she asked, not looking up at him, speaking into his jacket.

Isak wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “Sure.” A few minutes passed before they spoke again. For Isak, it was easy to just be silent and listen to the breeze with her.

“Isak?” she asked, tilting her head a little, at eye-level with his chin.

“Yeah?”

“Have you kissed anyone yet?” she asked, voice breaking slightly on the last word.

He thought about lying for a second, but decided against it. This was Vilde, “No, I haven’t.”

“Why not?” she asked.

Isak thought about it and then answered truthfully, “There aren’t any girls I want to kiss.”

“None?” Vilde asked, masking judgment if she even had any.

“No, not really,” Isak confirmed.

Vilde didn’t say anything.

“Are there any boys you want to kiss?” he asked her, looking down at her.

She tilted her head up to look him in the eye, “No, not really,” she admitted.

“I think that’s okay,” Isak told her. “We might change our minds next year.”

“Or maybe we’ll meet people after Nissen,” she added.

Isak didn’t like talking about after Nissen. He knew there was no guarantee Vilde and Isak would be assigned to the same place. The thought scared him. He wouldn’t even let himself think about where Even would be assigned after Nissen. That thought was too much.

“Yeah, maybe,” he replied.

“Isak?” she asked again.

“Yeah?”

“I think you’re a good guy,” she told him.

“Thanks, Vilde,” he smiled. “I think you’re a nice girl.”

“Thanks, Isak,” she smiled back. “We’re going to be friends forever, right?” she asked.

Isak nodded, “Even when we’re old and all our hair is grey.”

Vilde laughed, shaking her head, “I never want to be old.”

Isak hummed, “I think I do.”

“Why?” she asked, “It’s hard to run and play football and do fun things when you’re old.”

“Yeah, but can you imagine all the memories we’ll have when we’re old?” he asked her, excited. “There’s this whole life we get to live and then all these things we get to learn!”

“Learn!” she exclaimed, “Are you serious, Isak?”

“Dead serious,” he replied.

She rolled her eyes, “I can’t wait to be done learning. I hate classes.”

“Maybe you’ll change your mind,” he laughed.

“Doubt it,” she stuck out her tongue. Isak thought it looked so strange and pink. When she noticed him staring, she tucked her tongue back inside her mouth. “Isak, what’s wrong?”

He couldn’t help it, “Did you know you can kiss with tongue?” he asked her.

She blushed, nodding. Isak bit his lip. He sat up, lifting Vilde with him until they were sitting cross-legged, facing each other, “Vilde.”

“Isak?”

“I have an idea.”

“Okay?” she said apprehensively.

“You’re the best girl I know,” he said, as if that explained what was going on in his head.

“Okay,” was all she offered, still looking confused.

“I want to try kissing, Vilde,” he told her, somehow finding it easy to look in her eyes as the plan formed in his brain.

Vilde nodded, “I think me, too.”

“We’re friends, right?” he asked rhetorically, “So what if we try it and then we don’t have to do it again and just go back to being friends?”

“You want to kiss me?” she asked, sounding surprised.

“Vilde, I just want to kiss. And you do, too. And I don’t like any of the girls and you don’t like any of the boys. Why don’t we just do it? Get it over with, you know?” he suggested.

Vilde looked down at her lap, like she was really thinking about it, mulling it over in her head, “And what if we kiss and then I kiss someone else tomorrow?” she asked.

Isak just smiled, “That’s okay with me. If I kissed someone else tomorrow would you be mad?”

Vilde shook her head, “No, I don’t think so.” She lifted her head to look at his lips, swallowing nervously.

“Are we doing this now?” she asked, her voice quiet.

He scooted closer to her, knocking his knees lightly against hers, “Is that okay?”

“I think so,” she replied, nodding slightly.

This was it. This was the moment Isak was hoping would become a happy memory. He had convinced himself that if he could just kiss a girl then the feelings Even and the other boys described would finally happen for him. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he whispered.

Vilde just nodded.

Isak put his hands on her soft cheeks, looking down at her lips. He licked his lips and pursed his together, leaning in. He pressed his against hers, probably not gently enough, for a few seconds. When he pulled away, Vilde’s eyes were open and she looked confused.

Isak felt nothing. He’d felt more when he stood next to Even, brushing their teeth this morning.

“Can we try again?” he asked her.

“Yeah,” Vilde said, this time leaning in to meet him. Vilde’s nose bumped his and he turned his head to the side a little to accommodate both their noses. It seemed to work better this time. “Here,” Vilde said, putting her delicate thumb on his cheek. “Open your mouth a little bit and aim here,” she said, pointing to her top lip. “I’ll go here,” she said, pulling down a little on his bottom lip with her thumb.

“Okay,” Isak nodded, following her instructions. Their mouths fit together better this time, and Vilde kept her hand on his cheek. Mechanistically, it was working. Vilde curled her other hand around the back of his neck, pulling her mouth away just to dive back in. This time Isak tried moving his lips, thinking if he could taste her, maybe he would start feeling better about it.

They mouthed at each other for a while, trying to find a good rhythm of their lips moving while also finding air to breathe in between kisses. He could tell Vilde was good at this, probably better than most of the girls in their year. She was soft and open and not too forceful but steady. So why wasn’t Isak feeling good yet? It started to bother him. He pulled away, “Vilde, Vilde,” he breathed.

“Yeah?” she whispered, her face still close to his.

“Can we try, like,” he licked his lips, “Can we try with tongue, please?”

“Sure,” she nodded, pulling him in again.

Their open mouths met and a second later, Isak’s tongue was swiping at her top lip. She pushed her tongue across his bottom lip, moving it upward to rub against his own. They tried moving their mouths around, tongues pulling and pushing back in forth until it seemed Isak’s mouth had fused with hers. He didn’t understand. They were doing this right and her tongue was in his mouth, but he was still so frustrated. His eyes started stinging with tears as he tried to kiss her deeper, pulling her closer, diving his tongue inside her mouth.

“Isak, Isak,” she broke away, breathing heavily, “I can’t breathe.”

Isak let go of her completely scooting back on the blanket, “Isak, why are you crying?” she asked, her hand landing on his knee.

Isak shook his head, blearily wiping away at his eyes, “I don’t know.”

“Hey,” she crawled forward, sitting next to him and wrapping her arm around his shoulders.

He gave in, dipping his head down into her neck and hanging on to her as the sobs ripped through his body, “I’m sorry, Vilde.” He was choking on the tears, “I think,” he tried to breathe through the sobs, “I think there’s something wrong with me,” he cried.

Vilde ran her hands soothingly through his hair, “Don’t say that. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s okay,” she told him, “We don’t have to do it anymore. You’re okay.”

“Please don’t tell anyone,” he asked into her collarbone.

She just held him tighter, “Never.”

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the men came with the crates full of items for the shops the next morning, whispers were being spread around at breakfast. By lunch, everyone seemed to believe that this would be the best selection for the shop in years. Someone even swore they heard there would be a Rubik’s cube.

 Everyone around Isak seemed excited, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. He sat outside the great hall where they’d set up shop, mindlessly playing with the colorful chips in his hands, knowing he wouldn’t be spending any of them. He listened as the noise of the students' voices and the shuffling of items began to die down and students left the hall. He could hear the men packing up the rest of the items and breaking down the tables when Even suddenly sat down next to him, holding something behind his back.

“Hey Isak,” he smiled slightly. “You didn’t want to buy anything?”

Isak shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Well, you don’t have to be sad because I got you something,” Even beamed.

Isak turned quickly, looking up at him, “You did?”

Even nodded, bringing the item around from his back and placing it in Isak’s hands. “I wanted to get you the Rubik’s cube because I know you like puzzles, but I didn’t have enough money for it.”

Isak turned the cassette tape over in his hands, inspecting it closely.

“I noticed you don’t have any music. But I have a music player. You can listen to it in the dorm whenever you want,” he told him.

Isak looked up at him, dumbfounded, his chest tightening with warmth. “Why did you do this for me?”

Even shrugged, leaning over to nudge Isak’s shoulder with his own, “I wanted to.”

Isak smiled, not knowing what to say back until it hit him, “Thank you, Even.”

Even just smiled, his eyes crinkling. That was the thing about Even. When he smiled, his whole face smiled.

“I’m gonna go see what everyone else got,” Even told him, standing up from the bench. “You coming?” he asked.

“Actually, I think I’m gonna go listen to this,” he lifted up the tape.

“Okay, see you,” Even grinned, jogging away.

“See you!” Isak called after him, laughing.

 

 

It was a little harder than Isak expected to get the cassette in the player, but once he did, he took a seat on the edge of his bed, facing Even’s. No one else was in the dorm. The tape box had a picture of an elegant woman smoking a cigarette. She looked intimidating and like she was a veteran at love. The music flooded through the speakers a second later, a little louder than Isak anticipated.

He was struck by how beautiful her voice sounded. He gasped at the lyrics, “Darling, hold me.” Isak couldn’t help himself from reaching forward, grabbing Even’s pillow from his bunk and holding it tight to his chest, smelling the fabric that smelled just like Even – lemongrass and cherry.

He felt himself swaying forward, hugging the pillow tight as his eyes shut, listening to the words. The singer’s voice started building with the music, pleading, “Never let me go,” when he realized he didn’t quite feel alone. Isak opened his eyes suddenly to see Sonja standing in the doorway, staring at him, hugging the pillow she knew belonged to Even.

Isak was frozen. He couldn’t even loosen his grip on the pillow. Sonja just smiled softly at him and nodded. She seemed to be saying that she would keep his unspoken secret, that he didn’t have to worry. It was such a relief when she walked away that Isak collapsed backward onto the bunk, curling himself around the pillow, smiling into the comforting scent.

 

 

_November 1982_

It had been raining relentlessly for days. In the time they were supposed to be outside for physical activity, they were instead shuffled back into the classroom by Miss Julie. She perched herself on the edge of her desk, folding her arms across her chest and staring out at her pupils.

She cleared her throat, “There’s something you need to be told,” she addressed them, her eyes darting among the students. “You have been told, but you have not been told,” she began. Isak almost thought she was starting with a riddle.

“You’ve been told you are to be healthy, to keep your bodies in good condition. You’ve been told this is important,” she said. Miss Julie stood up to walk over to the window, watching the rain hit the glass and fall downward.

“Children often think about what they want to be when they grow up when they’re in school. Some want to be actors, and they’ll grow up and move to America. Some want to be doctors, and they’ll grow up to save lives. Some want to be teachers, and they grow up to help children learn. Some want to be pilots or bus drivers or athletes,” she explained.

These were all things they knew. The class fell absolutely silent.

“The students of Nissen are special,” she looked over at them. “None of you will grow up to be actors. None of you will move to America. None of you will become doctors.”

Isak didn’t understand why she was telling them this.

“Your lives have been decided for you. See, after Nissen, you will be sent away and then, before you are middle-aged, you will be asked to give your first donation.”

Isak had known they were expected to donate, but he’d never really know what.

“You will make three or four donations of your vital organs so that others may live, and your short lives will come to an end.”

Why was she telling them this? Why did Isak not know this sooner?

“I feel someone needs to tell you,” she explained, “what will happen to you. Only then can you hope to live a meaningful life.”

A few minutes later, Miss Julie started writing class as if she hadn’t just told several teenagers the hopeless end they were destined to meet. The more eerie feeling though was that Isak and the other students didn’t really know how to respond. The classroom was filled with a somber acceptance.

He no longer pictured Vilde with grey hair.

 

The next morning, Miss Julie wasn’t standing on the stage in the great hall with the other guardians. Miss Lisbeth went through her morning announcements finally ending with what Isak felt was coming. Miss Julie had left Nissen, unable to continue with her guardian duties. She would be replaced soon and in her absence, Miss Geraldine and Miss Lisbeth would share her classroom responsibilities.

Isak looked over at Even, sitting two rows ahead of him. Sonja sat next to him. Isak wondered how Even took the news. Miss Julie had been his favorite guardian and the only one who seemed to look beyond his rages. It was then, Isak noticed Sonja’s hand holding Even’s in her lap, her fingers rubbing his knuckles in comfort. Isak felt like he was sinking into the floor.

Miss Lisbeth announced that the shop would be coming back tomorrow and she assured the students that one of the crates would contain a bumper crop. They all stood in excitement, cheering and yelling at the news. Isak couldn’t stand from his seat, too busy trying to fight the tears welling in his eyes as he saw Even and Sonja stand, hands held together.

 

_December 1982_

Isak had gone out for a walk in the snow. He’d been pacing along the north fence, hands deep in his pockets, for about ten minutes when he felt a snowball crumble against his back. He whipped around quickly, looking for the source of the snowball. Even was running up to join him, a beanie pulled down over his ears, just a few tufts of hair poking out from beneath by his ears. His cheeks were pink and his nose red. It was cold out. Isak probably looked the same. He sniffled.

“Hey,” Even smiled, falling into stride next to Isak.

“Hey,” Isak replied.

“What’re you doing?” Even asked, bumping his shoulder against Isak’s. Even had grown at least an inch in the past month, and while Isak was still pretty tall, Even was much taller. He had to crouch to nudge Isak’s shoulder.

“Just walking,” Isak offered.

“It’s really cold out here,” Even shivered. “How long have you been out here?”

Isak shrugged.

“Are you okay?” Even asked. “Why are you walking out here where it’s so freaking cold?”

“You know, you don’t have to be out here if you don’t want to. If you’re cold you can just go back inside, Even,” Isak spat out, walking a little faster.

It was an easy task for Even to keep up, his long legs carrying him through the snow. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry. If you want to be alone, I can go away.”

Isak said nothing.

“Isak. Do you want to be alone?” Even pressed.

Isak didn’t say anything at first, just shook his head. _Don’t leave_ he pleaded in his head.

“Okay, I’m just gonna walk with you. You don’t even have to say anything. We can just walk.”

Isak nodded. That sounded nice.

Eventually he did talk though. He talked so much he didn’t know what was wrong with him. He and Even had made it to the fountain and they spent nearly thirty minutes just walking around it in circles, talking about anything and everything. Even told Isak about his dream the night before in which he was flying. Isak told Even about how he saw a shooting star a few nights ago. They talked about the universe and time travel and they talked about what they thought their originals were doing. Even told Isak that he was sure Isak’s original was a scientist or an inventor. Isak told Even he thought Even’s original could be a father.

“A father?” he laughed, “What I don’t have a real job?”

“No,” Isak decided, “You stay home with the kids. You like it better anyway.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yeah, yeah totally,” Isak decided.

“And what does my spouse do then?” Even asked.

“I don’t know,” Isak laughed. “Probably a scientist, or an inventor,” he spoke before he could catch himself. He immediately tensed up, hoping Even wouldn't read too far into what he'd said. 

Even just laughed, “Yeah, I think you’re probably right.”

That night Isak dreamed about what his life would be like as a father. 

 

 

A few days later, Isak was walking the halls with Vilde, talking about their upcoming tests. She stopped at the window in the stairwell even though Isak had kept walking. “Vilde?” he asked confused, hopping back down the steps to look out the window at what caught her attention. Standing by the fountain, bundled in layers stood Even and Sonja. They were kissing. Isak’s heart broke.

“Isak wait,” Vilde called after him as he ran up the steps. He ignored her, running through the halls and up to his dorm until he finally collapsed on his bed, curling under the blankets and crying. He cried until his lungs felt heavy. He cried until he thought the pain would stop.

It never did.

Even crawled into his bunk late that night, slipping off his shoes and trying to be as quiet as possible. “Isak,” he whispered. Isak clenched his eyes shut, facing away from him. “Isak, are you awake?” he whispered again. “Isak, I need to tell you something.”

Even didn’t need to tell Isak anything. He already knew. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter we'll be jumping forward about three years


	4. It’s gonna be alright.

 

 

 

_May 1985_

Most of the boys from their year had left Nissen already in the days preceding. In the end, it was just Isak and Even left in their dormitory. Their transportation to the Cottages would be arriving later in the morning. Isak didn’t have much to pack – a pair of brown pants, a few sweaters, a scarf, and two pairs of socks. They would be given more clothes upon their arrival that evening.

Even had packed the night before. “I’ve had enough of this place,” he told Isak as he angrily shoved his junk in the small suitcase. Isak was sitting on the edge of his bed, facing Even’s back. He was kneeling on the ground, pulling things from his drawer in the bedside table he shared with Isak.

Isak understood why. The boys in his year had been rotten to him all the way until the end. They’d trip him while playing football, push him down in the mud, they even took to calling him “short fuse” as a way of mocking his rages. The tantrums he’d had as a child became increasingly worse with age and the lows that followed became more debilitating. Last year, Matthias had said something to him that made him so angry Even broke his hand punching the wall of the gymnasium. The doctor and Miss Lisbeth had been so upset with him that he’d missed classes for an entire month as he was kept under observation in the infirmary. When he finally rejoined the rest of the students, Sonja had been right there waiting for him.

Isak spent the better part of his last three years at Nissen hoping Sonja and Even’s relationship would end like so many of the childhood romances and teen flings that had happened. It never did. For all the ways Sonja had teased Even when they were children and all the times she bossed him around and didn’t listen to him when they were teenagers, he never left her. It was thoughts like those that kept Isak awake on sleepless nights, thinking that if only he had teased Even or called him out for his rages and mistakes, maybe then Even would be spending all of his time with Isak instead of Sonja.

It was easy for Even to leave Nissen behind. He’d never connected with any guardians after Miss Julie left and he gave the doctor enough troubles with his mood swings and rage-induced injuries. There was nothing left there for him, especially since he and Sonja had been assigned to the same place. Isak was both angry and relieved he’d been assigned with them, as well. He figured he’d been punished enough for his strange feelings for Even in the years he spent having to listen to Sonja and Even’s conversations, having to watch their soft touches and hungry kisses. It had been torture. But he would have endured all of that again if it meant he could have continued with Vilde.

Vilde had been in one of the first groups to leave. Six girls from their year and three boys were shuffled into two vans headed south. Vilde was the last to get in the van, holding onto Isak tight and kissing his cheek as she wept. When they’d heard that they wouldn’t be assigned together, they immediately went to Miss Lisbeth, refusing to accept it. But they’re attempts were futile. There was no way to change the system. All Miss Lisbeth could offer them was each other’s addresses so they could write.

“I’ll never forget you,” she cried into his neck.

Isak wrapped his arms tight around her waist, holding her so close he swore he could feel her heart beat against his chest. “Promise you’ll write to me?” she asked, tears in her eyes.

He wiped her cheek, “I promise, all the time.”

She helped him wipe away the tears as she pulled a small dream catcher from her dress pocket. “I made this for you,” she told him, willing the tears to stay at bay. “I hope you sleep better away from here,” she whimpered.

Isak took the dream catcher and squeezed it gently, running his thumb over the intricate pattern, “Thank you, Vilde.” He couldn’t let himself cry now. He knew if he did, he wouldn’t stop.

“Come on, Miss,” the driver called from the window of the van, “We’ve got to be on our way now.”

Isak pulled her in close one more time, kissing her forehead and rocking her against his chest. “I love you,” he told her and he meant it.

“I love you, too,” she replied.

From the moment his hands left her frame, a terrible ringing started in Isak’s ears. All other sounds felt muted like he was hearing underwater. The vans pulled away and he waved to her as she hung her head and shoulder out the window. Sonja had come up beside him, rubbing her hand on his back, “It’s okay, Isak.”

For a second, Isak let himself be comforted by her words until, “We’ll make new friends at the Cottages.”

That was the last thing Isak had wanted to hear. He shuffled from under her arm and walked quickly toward the building, taking the steps two at a time until he reached the dormitory. Isak didn’t even bother kicking off his shoes, just collapsed on his bunk and held the dreamcatcher close to his chest. He heard the beeping sound of the sensor, alerting him someone else had just walked in.

“Isak?” Even called from the doorway. That was all it took, Even's concerned voice, for the tears to start flowing. He shook on the bunk as he cried and he didn’t even stop when he felt a weight behind him on the mattress. He didn’t stop when he felt a heavy arm wrap around his waist, turning him over to face him. He didn’t stop when he buried his face in Even’s chest, pulling him closer by his shirt. He didn’t stop when Even kissed his hair and told him, “It’s gonna be alright.”

The sky outside faded from the pale blue to a dark black and yet Even didn’t let go of Isak. Even’s fingers were carding through Isak’s hair, his other hand rubbing his back when the tears finally stopped. Still, Even didn’t let him go.

So a few days later when Isak had packed his suitcase, he carefully placed the dreamcatcher between two shirts, laid his Walkman on top and wedged the cassette tape Even had given him when they were fourteen between the scarf and the socks. With that, he shut his suitcase, lifted his wrist once more to the sensor, and left the dormitory for the last time.

 

 

It rained on their drive to the Cottages. The van had made a single stop on the way at a cabin to let out four students until it was only Isak, Even and Sonja left. Isak stayed at the back of the van, his head resting on the cool window pane, watching as a blur of green passed by. Even and Sonja sat ahead of him, closer to the driver. Sonja’s head had landed on Even’s shoulder. Even though Isak couldn’t see their hands, he could tell by the way Even’s shoulder was moving that he was playing lightly with her fingers like he’d seen so many times before.

Isak wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting when they arrived. He would be lying to himself if he thought he hadn’t imagined what it would be like. The Cottages were a collection of houses on a farmland, three building next to each other with stables behind them. The driver informed them they’d each have their own rooms and eight would share a house. It was just Isak’s luck that his room was right between Even and Sonja’s. They’d be sharing a bathroom with one other girl from the same house, Eva. Eva was from Elvebakken like Jonas and Jakob. Lea and Emma were from Grefsen.

Eva, Jonas, and Jakob had already been there for a year. Jonas and Eva explained all the house rules which turned out to be a very short list. Lea and Emma had arrived a month ago and were already familiar with the grounds.

“We take turns cooking meals,” Eva explained, “Normally two or three of us at a time. If you ever don’t want to cook, just say something. Jakob’s the best cook here and he loves it.”

“Hey, you know you like my cooking!” Jakob called from the common room.

“He’s right. He’s cooking tonight. You’re in luck,” Eva grinned.

Jonas came up from behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her neck. “There’s a wardrobe in everyone’s room with clothes. If they’re too long, Lea’s a good seamstress, she can hem them for you. If you’re too tall for them,” he specifically eyed Even, “You’ll have to let George know and they’ll deliver new clothes soon. There’s enough clotheslines outback for drying and washing machines in the stables. You’re responsible for your own clothes.”

Eva shoved him off, “Oh please, I do your laundry all the time.”

“She’s right,” Jonas grinned, “Perks of being in love.”

“You’re together?” Sonja asked, slipping her hand into Even’s.

“For about three years now,” Eva nodded.

“That’s lovely!” Sonja smiled. “Even and I have been together since we were thirteen or so.”

“Fourteen,” Even corrected her.

“Details,” Sonja waved her free hand in the air, “He’d been crushing on me since we were kids.”

Isak was already done with Sonja. “I’m Isak,” he introduced himself to Eva and Jonas before Even could comment.

“Nice to meet you,” Jonas shook his hand firmly.

“Well, we’ll show you to your rooms,” Eva decided, “Alright, kitchen’s yours, Jakob!” she hollered into the other room.

On their way to the staircase, Jonas pointed out the sensor by the front door. He tapped the back of his hand, indicating where his tracker was. “We’re allowed to take day trips. We just need to check in every twenty-four hours at least.”

“How do you get around?” Sonja asked.

“George taught Jonas to drive last year,” Eva answered, leaning forward to gently massage Jonas’ shoulders. “Emma’s learning how to drive, too. She wants to be a carer, like Jonas,” Eva added.

Upstairs, Isak had expected bare walls and nearly no decorations like in the dormitory room at Nissen; but he was wrong. There was already a bed with linens and pillows on it, two he noticed. How extravagant. The bed was larger than the one at Nissen and that made him happy. More than once he’d woken up with his feet hanging off the edge of his bunk.

The wall facing the foot of the bed was covered in clippings and photographs. There were hundreds of a boy with long brown hair and a striking nose and a beautiful girl with light blonde hair and deep red lipstick. Among them were cut-outs from magazines and dried flowers pinned to the wall. He narrowed in on one particular picture of the boy and girl kissing in what looked like the pasture that lay beyond the house.

The bookshelf next to the bed was almost entirely filled. Each of the books had weak bindings and Isak didn’t recognize almost all of the titles. There was a small table on the other side of the bed with a lamp and another book. Isak opened up his suitcase and started putting his clothes in the drawer of the table. He pulled out the Walkman and his tape and set them on top of the book.

Above his bed, there were dried flowers hanging upside down from a hook. He took them off and set them on the bed then placed the dreamcatcher on the hook, running his fingers over the pattern one more time. From the corner of his eye, he saw Sonja walk across his open doorway and into Even’s room. He heard her shut the door and a few seconds later there was laughing. Isak sat down and held the dead flowers in his hand, squeezing them to crumbles when he heard the bed in Even’s room creak under their weight. Minutes later, Isak was frozen, just staring at the wall as he heard Sonja’s moans and Even’s groans. At least at Nissen he had never had to listen to ­ _this_. It didn’t matter that he had his own room. His ears would be assaulted from either Even’s bedroom or Sonja’s.

A knock on his open door jolted him from thoughts. “Hey,” Eva smiled, leaning against the door jam. She pointed to her left at Even’s door with her thumb, “Sounds like they’re the new William and Noora.”

“Who?” Isak asked, confused.

“That used to be Chris’ room. This was William’s and Sonja’s in Noora’s room,” she explained.

Isak looked over at the wall, “Is that William and Noora?”

“Yep, that’s them. Noora was a good friend. She’s a carer now.”

“And William?” Isak asked.

“He’s her first patient,” she said, “He left for the donation center last week.”

“Oh,” Isak frowned. “How long were they here?”

“They both came from Grefsen in ’81.”

“They were here for four years?” Isak was confused. He’d thought he’d only be here a year, two at most.

Eva nodded, “It all depends on your original, I guess.”

Isak nodded, getting what she was saying. They were all on standby until their originals started to die.

A pounding sound started coming from the wall Isak was facing followed by Sonja’s high-pitched moans. She was moaning Even’s name.

“Well, Jonas and I are going to pick some cherries before it gets too dark outside. Jakob’s keen on baking a pie,” she smiled. “You’re welcome to join us unless you wanna listen to that,” she pointed at the wall.

Isak was getting up from the bed and pulling his shoes back on when she laughed, “I promise I won’t jump Jonas’ bones. Sounds like you’ve done enough third-wheeling.”

“You have no idea,” Isak grinned back at her. Isak liked Eva. He thought Vilde would have liked her, too.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“So what’s your thing, Isak?” Jonas asked him, dropping more cherries into the basket he was holding.

“My thing?” Isak didn’t understand.

“Yeah, what do you do? What’s your thing? What makes you happy?” he pressed.

“I don’t know,” Isak shrugged.

“Don’t be boring,” Jonas stated simply.

“Jonas, shut up,” Eva barked at him.

Isak wasn’t actually offended. He laughed, “No, it’s true. I’m pretty boring.”

“What’s the least boring thing about you, then?” Jonas asked, smiling. He seemed to be taking a liking to Isak just as fast as Eva did.

“I’ll let you pick then,” Isak decided. He inhaled, “I can’t sleep for shit, I fall in love with the wrong people, I can solve a Rubik’s cube in under a minute.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, back it up,” Eva interjected, “You fall in love with the wrong people?”

Isak shrugged.

“Wanna unpack that one for us, buddy?” Jonas chuckled, keeping the mood light.

Finding a burst of confidence, Isak opened up to Jonas and Eva despite having met them only hours ago, “I love people who can never love me back.”

Neither of them said anything.

“And it fucking hurts,” Isak added quietly.

Eva lifted up on her toes and put her arm around his shoulder, ruffling his hair, “Love shouldn’t hurt, kiddo.”

Isak nodded, dropping his head.

“You’re dark,” Jonas noticed. He smiled, “I like it.”

“Thanks,” Isak laughed.

“So who do you love then? Did she give you that dreamcatcher?” Eva asked.

Isak shook his head.

“Well tell us about her then?” Jonas asked.

“Nah,” Isak refused. “Can’t spill all my dark secrets on the first night.”

At that both Jonas and Eva laughed. “Alright, alright,” Eva decided, “We’ll stop interrogating you.”

“So, anything we should know about your friends, Sonja and Even?” Jonas asked, adding, “Other than they really like to bone?”

Isak shrugged again. “They’re not that bad,” he said, thinking of Even. “Even’s the best guy I know. He gets a little angry sometimes, but he’s got the best heart.”

Eva smiled, “And Sonja?”

Isak readjusted his hands on the basket of cherries, “She has nice skin.”

Eva and Jonas looked at him like he had two heads.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“You’re gonna like this, I promise,” Jakob told them as he set up the TV. They’d all piled on the couches after dinner. Jonas and Eva elected to sit on the floor. Eva leaned back on Jonas’s chest as Jonas leaned against the arm of the couch. Jakob, Emma, and Lea shared a couch while Isak sat next to Even. Sonja sat on the other side of Even. He had an arm wrapped around her shoulder.

“They only showed us some old black and white films at Nissen. They were all really boring,” Sonja told him.

“They weren’t boring,” Even disagreed.

“Yeah, and they showed us one in color. That one about the apes and the astronaut? It was cool,” Isak remembered.

“The Planet of the Apes!” Even shouted, turning his body to look at him and as a result releasing Sonja. “That one was so good,” he beamed.

“You remember that part, where they capture him in that net?” Isak asked.

“Yeah, yeah!” Even smiled, “And he’s all like, ‘Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!’,” he gritted his teeth together to say the line right as he leaned into Isak’s personal space. It made Isak’s cheeks flush and his hands get sweaty.

“I must have missed that one,” Sonja interjected.

“Yeah, that’s a shame. It was good, Sonja,” he turned to her.

She grabbed his arm and cuddled into his side, “You can tell me all about it tonight.”

Of course, they would be sharing a bed. Either the one in the room to the right or left of Isak’s room. He inched a little further away from Even, but Even just spread his legs apart, bumping Isak’s thigh with his knee. He didn’t move it.

“Okay, okay,” Jakob explained. “I saw that one, too. Trust me, this one’s even better.”

“That’s a risky statement,” Even said.

Jakob just shook his head, “You won’t be saying that after you see Star Wars for the first time.”

“He’s right,” Lea spoke up, smiling at Jakob.

“Well, we’ll be the judges of that, won’t we, Isak?” Even nudged Isak’s shoulder with his hand.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Isak said. “Planet of the Apes is tough to beat, though.”

Turns out it wasn’t very tough to beat. They were only twenty minutes in and Isak could already tell this would be Even’s new favorite film and he’d already seen more movies than anyone there. Sometimes that was all Even did when he was being monitored in the infirmary, just watched movies all day.

Twenty minutes after that, Sonja had fallen asleep on Even’s shoulder, missing at least half of what they’d already seen of the film. She jerked her head up, waking up when the alarm went off from the kitchen. “That’s the pie, I’m gonna take it out to cool,” Jakob announced, getting up from the couch.

“Want some help?” Lea offered.

“Sure!” Jakob smiled.

“Should we pause it?” Even asked, looking over his shoulder.

“We’ve seen it a bunch of times, keep it going,” Jakob replied.

Sonja groaned, still half-asleep, “Even, let’s go to bed. I’m tired.”

“I wanna finish this,” he told her, eyes focused on the screen.

“But we can watch it some other time,” she whined.

Isak rolled his eyes. Emma on the opposite couch noticed and tried to hide her laugh.

“Sonja, I’m finishing the movie. You can go to sleep if you want,” he reasoned.

“Fine,” she huffed, standing up from the couch.

“Good night,” she announced to the room.

“Good night,” Eva and Jonas said at the same time.

Sonja leaned down and kissed Even warmly on the mouth. As she started leaning back up, his hand caught her around the neck and he kissed her one more time, smiling against her lips, “Night,” he whispered.

Isak pressed his lips together so hard it hurt.

When Sonja left the room, Even stretched his long limbs out on the couch and grabbed a pillow and placed it on Isak’s side. “Can I lay on you?” he asked.

“What?” Isak looked bewildered.

“Can I lay on you?” Even just repeated.

“Uh, sure,” Isak agreed.

“Thanks,” Even smiled, patting the pillow and then laying his head and shoulder down against it. The sudden movement startled Isak and he lifted his arms up. Slowly, he relaxed them back down, his left hand falling across Even’s chest.

Jakob and Lea never rejoined them so Jonas and Eva moved to the couch, sitting with Emma. None of them said a word about how Even was lying casually on Isak’s lap. Isak had to focus hard on the movie to keep his arousal at bay which turned out to not be very difficult since Jakob was right – Star Wars was way better than The Planet of the Apes.

When the credits rolled, Eva and Jonas walked upstairs and Emma stayed a little longer to listen to Even gush about how much he loved it. Eventually, she was too tired to listen any longer and went to bed, too.

“So, you thought it was alright?” Isak joked.

Even sat upward quickly, almost bumping his head against Isak’s. “Are you kidding me?” He sounded like Isak had just insulted him or something. “I loved it!”

“Yeah, me, too,” Isak agreed.

“We’re like Han and Chewy, don’t you think?” Even smiled.

“Really?” Isak asked.

“Yeah!”

“Only if I get to be Han,” Isak decided.

“What? Isak. Chewy talks more than you do. You’re Chewy. And I'm Han, obviously. ”

“Fine, fine, all right,” Isak laughed. “I’ll be Chewy.”

Even yawned and Isak expected him to get up to go to bed, but instead, he just fell back down, his head landing in Isak’s lap.

“Oh,” Isak said in surprise.

“Is this okay?” Even asked, looking up at him.

Isak just nodded, the words caught in his throat.

“Dinner was good,” Even broke their silence. You think Jakob will teach me to cook?”

Isak thought about it and he didn’t see a reason why Jakob wouldn’t, “Yeah, I think so.”

“I think Emma likes you,” Even said, quickly switching topics.

“What?!” Isak didn’t see that coming.

“Come on, I saw the way she was looking at you at dinner, how she laughed at your lame joke,” Even prodded.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Isak shook his head.

“You didn’t notice?” Even asked.

Truthfully, Isak hadn’t. “No! I don’t even know-” Isak raised his voice.

“Shhh,” Even laughed quietly, sitting up and lifting his hand to Isak’s mouth to stifle his voice. “They’re all sleeping,” he whispered.

Isak’s words died in his throat and his eyes widened at the feel of Even’s fingers on his lips. Even was looking him straight in the eyes, slowly removing his hand, his fingers catching on Isak’s bottom lip, tugging gently. Even looked down at his lips and Isak could have sworn he heard Even gulp.

Isak cleared his throat and Even withdrew his hand, “Maybe we should go to sleep, too,” Isak suggested.

“Yeah,” Even agreed, standing up from the couch. He shut the TV off and followed Isak up the stairs.

At Isak’s door, Even whispered, “It’ll be weird not sleeping next to you.”

Isak nodded, “Yeah. Weird,” he agreed.

“Well, sweet dreams, Isak,” he smiled.

“Good night, Even,” Isak replied, and then Even disappeared into Sonja’s bedroom.

 

 

 

 


	5. Why didn't you tell me?

 

 

 

 

_July 1985_

Though his room was bigger and the bed more comfortable at the Cottages, there were two things Isak still dearly missed from Nissen – Vilde and school. He’d written Vilde a letter on his second day there telling her everything he knew about his new housemates. He’d told her how he’d planned to learn to drive and that he didn’t even have to help with breakfast that morning because Jakob was adamant about making something no one else knew how to make. He’d gotten a reply back from Vilde about two weeks later.

She wrote to him about the people she now lived with and the sheepdog she had become friends with. She sent him a picture of her with the dog near a blue lake. She was smiling and written on the pack of the photograph was the words, “Taken by Magnus – 14 June 1985.” Isak wrote back to her sending some photographs of the house and the land, even a picture of him with Jonas and Eva that Emma had taken of them in the kitchen. He was expecting a reply any day now.

Even though there were no classes to take, William had left behind an impressive library right in Isak’s room. In the time he’d been there, he’d already worked his way through nine of the books. He’d fallen asleep the night before reading Treasure Island so when Emma knocked on his door in the morning, he was startled to find the book spread flat against his chest.

“How do you sleep when that’s happening?” Emma asked, gesturing to Even’s room.

Isak groaned, hearing the heavy sounds coming from the other side of the wall. How could they possibly have sex that much? Isak took more showers than anyone else in the house just to relieve himself of his sexual frustration under the warm water. It was a necessity when he could hear Even’s heavy breaths and deep moans on the other side of one of his walls almost every day.

“Honestly, Isak, I’ve never met anyone who sleeps as much as you,” she commented as Isak sat up on his elbows. The truth was at least half the time his housemates thought he was sleeping he was just trying to sleep.

“I like my sleep,” was all Isak replied, rubbing his eyes.  

“Well, I’m going to the town to get some laundry soap and thread for Lea. Want to come?” she asked, swinging the keys around on her fingers.

Isak bit his lip considering her offer when Sonja started shouting, “Yes!” over and over.

“I’m in,” Isak decided. Emma was good company and she seemed to not like Sonja very much so Isak and her got on fine. They never talked about why neither of them meshed well with Sonja, but they didn’t need to. They just understood each other.

“Great!” Emma smiled, “I’m leaving in five!” she said leaving to skip down the stairs.

Isak quickly got dressed. Isak and Even had actually switched a lot of their clothes since Even had been closer in height to William and Chris more similar to Isak in height. Even then, Isak had Lea cut a pair of Chris’ jeans into denim shorts. He pulled those on over his boxers and slipped on his hiking boots. The T-shirt he’d slept in smelled fine so he just wore that.

By the time Isak brushed his teeth and rubbed on deodorant, Emma had the red van running outside. Downstairs Jonas tossed him one of Jakob’s muffins. “Here,” he said, “No more skipping breakfast. I’m gonna start waking you up if you sleep through it. Doctor’s coming next week.”

“Yes, sir,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“You’re lucky I like you,” Jonas chided.

Isak grinned, a mouth full of muffin, “What’s not to like?”

Just then Emma honked the horn. Isak made his way out in the yard after lifting his wrist to the sensor. Before he climbed in the van, he looked up at the window that belonged to Even’s room. Even was sitting on the sill, not wearing a shirt, looking down, right at Isak.

Isak saw arms snake down Even’s bare chest, wrapping tight around him. Sonja’s face appeared next to him, kissing him wetly on his neck. “Let’s go,” Emma urged. Isak climbed into the passenger seat, not looking back.

It should have taken them about two hours to drive into town, but Emma got them there in an hour and fifteen minutes. “Why do they even let you drive?” Isak questioned, jumping out of the van as soon as she parked it.

“I’m a great driver!” Emma argued. 

Isak’s widened, “Are you kidding me?”

“What?” Emma laughed, “You’re alive, aren’t you? I got you here in one piece, didn’t I?”

“Whatever, I’m gonna learn to drive just so I never have to ride with you,” Isak shook his head.

“Isak,” she gasped, “You wound me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he smiled, “What’s on the list?”

“Laundry soap, white thread, black thread,” she started reading off, “And I thought we could check out the music shop, see what’s new.”

“Seriously?” Isak asked.

“Yeah, is that okay?” she smiled.

Isak nodded, “Jonas is gonna be jealous we didn’t take him with us.”

“That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” she joked. “Now come on,” she grabbed Isak’s hand and lead him into the store.

Once inside he dropped her hand and looked for the thread while she found the laundry soap. “Isak, that’s blue, not black.”

“What?” Isak inspected the spool in his hand carefully. She was right. It was a very dark blue, but blue nonetheless. “It looked black on the shelf,” he reasoned. 

“Here, you stay in line,” she ordered, “I’ll get the right thread. Try not to miss me too much.”

“Hurry back!” he joked.

Isak was smiling standing in line. He was having fun. It was easy to relax and be himself around Emma. “Your girlfriend seems like a nice girl,” the older woman in line behind him said kindly.

“Oh,” Isak blushed, “Thank you, but she’s not my girlfriend,” he explained.

“Really?” the lady didn’t believe him. “Could have fooled me.”

Isak shrugged, “Just friends.”

The lady laughed, “That’s what I said about my husband when we were nineteen. Married for forty-one years on Tuesday,” she smiled.

Isak knew it was proper to congratulate her. “Happy anniversary,” he smiled. What he really wanted was to ask her how it felt to grow old with the one she loved since he would never know.

Emma soon joined him back in line, “See, I’ve saved the day,” she grinned.

“What would I do without you?” he played along, draping an arm around her shoulders.

Emma shrugged, reaching up to grab his hand with hers, “Walk home.”

Isak laughed. He wished Vilde could have met Emma. He thought she would have liked her. He thought maybe he could like Emma. So, when she dropped his hand, he didn’t move his arm. She didn’t shrug him off either. “You have a good day,” he smiled to the woman when they left the store, Emma still snug under his arm.

“What was that about?” Emma asked as they walked toward the music shop.

Isak shook his head, “That lady thought you were my girlfriend.”

“Oh, she did, did she?” Emma raised her eyebrows mischievously.

“Yeah,” he chuckled, “Said that you seemed like a nice girl.”

Emma smiled.

“She got two things wrong,” Isak joked.

“Hey!” Emma shoved him.

“I’m just kidding!” he laughed, pulling her back under his arm.

“Oh sure,” Emma rolled her eyes, “I bet you made all that up. I bet this is just some ploy to get me to be your girlfriend.”

“You wish,” Isak bantered back.

Emma laughed and Isak noticed when she didn’t deny it.

 

“Hey, have you heard of these guys?” Emma asked, tossing Isak a tape across the shelf.

Isak fumbled with it, not catching it smoothly but not letting it topple to the ground, “Tears For Fears?” Isak read the name out. He didn’t know it.

“Oh, you’ll love it. I heard that third song on the radio a few months back. It’s good stuff,” she nodded, “You should buy it.”

Isak shrugged, “I don’t have enough money.”

Emma bit her lip, “How much are you short?”

Isak looked through the money in his pocket, “About 26 kroner.”

Emma dug her hand into her tight pocket, pulling out some cash, “Here,” she extended it across the shelf to him.

Isak just shook his head, “I can’t take your money,” he refused.

“Isak, take it,” she demanded.

“No, Emma. I can’t.”

She rolled her eyes, “Look, if you let me listen to it on your Walkman sometimes, then we’re like sharing it. So, let me help you pay for it.”

Isak considered it, looking down at the tape. “Okay, deal,” he agreed, taking the money from her.

“Good,” she smiled. “We’re listening to this one on the drive back though,” she held up the tape.

Isak squinted, reading the title, not recognizing this one either, “Duran Duran?”

She groaned, “Isak, you’re killing me!”

Emma did insist on listening to her tape in the car on their way back and Isak almost regretting not putting up a fight.

“Come on!” she drummed the wheel, “You can’t _not_ love this!” she shouted over the loud music.

Isak looked at her like she was crazy.

She just laughed, singing, “Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand!”

She had a good voice. Isak would admit that. He started bopping his head to the tune.

“There you go!” she kept laughing, “I knew you had a fun bone in your body somewhere,” she pinched his arm.

“Hey!” he shoved her hand away. It quickly turned into a game of swatting each other with the backs of their hands. “You’re gonna make us crash!” he shouted, grabbing her hand and holding it tight in his own. “Stop, Emma.”

“Fine, fine,” she grinned, holding Isak’s hand tight. He let her.

When they got back, Isak carried the laundry soap into the stables while Emma removed her tape from the player. She grabbed the two small bags with the thread and cassette tapes and joined him on the other side of the vehicle after locking the doors.

“Sneak attack!” she yelled, jumping on Isak’s back.

Isak groaned.

“Uh, rude,” she joked.

“You surprised me!” Isak laughed, fitting his arms under her thighs to carry her more firmly.

“Onward!” she pointed toward the house, a huge smile on her face.

“You’re the worst,” Isak shook his head, smiling up at her.

“On the contrary, I’m the best,” she disagreed.

Isak couldn’t remember the last time he laughed this much. Maybe he should take what the lady had said as a sign. Maybe he should try to be with Emma. But maybe she just wanted to be friends. She seemed like she was flirting, but Isak wasn’t sure.

Or maybe Isak didn’t want to be sure.

What Isak really wanted was to get over his feelings for Even since it seemed Even’s feelings for Sonja weren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

When they walked through the threshold of the house, Emma finally sliding off Isak’s back just as Even walked down the stairs. “You missed lunch,” he said, eyeing them both carefully.

Emma looked sad, “Is there no more of Jakob’s casserole?” she asked hopefully.

Even shrugged, “I don’t know,” walking past them out the front door after raising his hand to the sensor.

“What’s up with him?” Emma asked.

“I don’t know,” Isak repeated back Even’s words.

Soon Sonja was climbing down the stairs, her large boots pounding on the wooden steps, pulling a large sweater over her tank top. She looked like she had been crying. “Are you okay?” Isak asked her.

Sonja looked at him and he expected the same hostility in her eyes she usually reserved for Isak specifically. But Isak was surprised to see her features soft and her lip trembling. She looked like she was about to break. “No,” she choked out, pulling the sweater tighter around her and wiping at her eyes with the heel of her hand.

This was weird for Isak. As sick as it was, he’d expected to find some joy or relief from seeing Sonja upset. Instead, he just felt sad for her.

“I’m gonna go find Lea and have some food,” Emma told him, touching Isak’s shoulder kindly. Isak nodded, smiling softly at her.

“Sonja?” Isak asked as the tears started pouring from her eyes. She was shaking now. He did the only thing he could think to do. Isak hugged Sonja.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him, letting her cry into his shoulder, letting her clutch at his shirt. He rubbed her back, trying to soothe her, “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he repeated. He pulled her away and held her face between his hands. Her gray eyes were red and glassy with tears. “Do you want to go for a walk?” he offered, wiping away some of her tears.

Sonja sniffled, avoiding his eye contact. She softly nodded.

Isak didn’t immediately ask what was wrong as they walked through the grass of the pasture. He just walked with her and listened to her sniffles. “I heard Jonas is making quiche tonight,” he said, trying to take her mind off whatever was bothering her.

“Oh,” she simply muttered.

Isak bit his lip, “You don’t want to talk about quiche, do you?”

She laughed and Isak got nervous that maybe she was getting hysterical, “No,” she replied.

“Yeah, me neither,” Isak agreed.

“Isak?” she asked.

“Yeah?”

She stopped in her tracks, turning to face him, “How does he never get mad at you?”

Isak scrunched his eyebrows together, “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean,” she pressed, “Even.”

“We don’t spend a lot of time together,” he lied.

Sonja didn’t accept it, “That’s not true. You and I both know it. You’re his favorite person.”

“Now that’s not true,” Isak shook his head.

“Isak,” she inhaled sharply, “I said something dumb.”

This would have been a good opportunity for Isak to use some sarcasm, but he could tell Sonja was too emotionally unstable for that right now. “What do you mean?” he asked again.

“He’s just,” she swallowed thickly, “He’s been acting kinda,” she gestured with her hands as if the words would just appear from her fingertips.

“What, Sonja?” he pressed.

“Crazy!” she finally spat out. “Crazy! He’s all over the place. He forgets to eat and he keeps making these weird drawings like he did when we were kids and sometimes he just wants to have sex like all the time.”

“I didn’t need to know that,” he told her.

“Sorry,” she looked him in the eye. She seemed sincere. “The point is, sometimes I feel like he’s not even hearing me when I’m talking to him.”

Isak didn’t know what to say.

“So, this morning.” She sidestepped nervously, “I told him I think he should talk to the doctor, about his moods, you know?”

“Yeah,” Isak nodded.

“And he completely flipped out. He got so mad and started yelling and throwing things.” Her breath caught in her throat. Isak was worried she would start crying again, “I thought he was gonna hurt me.”

Isak winced, “You know he’d never do that.”

“I know,” she nodded, admitting to her misjudgment. “I know he wouldn’t. But he was scaring me, I told him he was scaring me, and he just walked out.”

“I’m sure he just needs some space,” Isak offered.

Sonja nodded.

“He doesn’t like doctors. Never has,” he told her.

“I know,” she nodded again. “I just don’t get it.”

“Get what?” he asked.

“How has he never gotten upset at you?” she asked. “Haven’t you ever thought there was something wrong? Haven’t you ever wanted to fix him?” she pleaded.

Isak bit his lip, looking down at his boots, “I think that’s the problem, Sonja. You can’t think of him as something that needs to be fixed.” He shrugged, “He’s just Even.”

She looked ready to cry again, “And you’ve got to love him even when it hurts,” he told her, taking her hand in his.

She started crying again and Isak pulled her in close just as he had before. He knew he was supposed to be comforting Sonja, but he couldn’t help but feel like that last sentence was for himself. Even though Even was the source of the majority of the pain Isak felt, the majority of the sleepless nights he spent staring at the ceilings, all of that was worth enduring. Because when Even smiled at him, or talked about his favorite movie, or called him Chewy – that’s what made Isak the happiest. Even was the sun, and every time he was around Isak wanted to bask in his warmth.

 

 

The quiche Jonas made that night was delicious. Jakob even praised him for it, begging to know the recipe he used. Jonas elected to torture him by withholding the information. Aside from Jakob’s satisfied moans and glowing review, everyone else remained silent. When the meal was finished, most of them disappeared into the living room or retired to their bedrooms. Isak and Even were on dishes duty though since neither of them had cooked in days.

“Where’d you go today?” Even asked him as Isak scrubbed diligently at the plate, trying to get off the crusted egg.

“Huh?” Isak asked, distracted.

“This morning?” Even urged, dumping glasses in the sink next to him.

“Oh, Lea needed some thread and we were low on laundry soap,” he explained. “And Emma and I went to this music shop. Don’t tell Jonas, though. He’ll be so mad.”

“I won’t. I promise,” Even laughed.

“Good. I don’t want to be on Jonas’ bad side,” Isak reasoned.

“I didn’t realize Jonas had a bad side,” Even frowned.

Isak shrugged, “You’re right. He doesn't. He’s such a softie.”

“Yeah,” Even laughed, “he doesn’t get nearly as grumpy as you, Chewy.”

Isak rolled his eyes.

“See what I mean!” Even shouted.

Isak flicked him with water, “I’m a ball of sunshine all the time, thanks.”

“You’re the biggest sourpuss I’ve ever met, Isak.”

“Whatever,” he shrugged, playing into the game Even was creating.

“You wanna know what I think?” Even leaned against the counter, looking down at him.

“Not really, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me,” Isak retorted, smirking.

"I think," Even leaned in close, speaking right into his ear, “You need to get laid.”

Isak’s eyes went wide with shock. He was speechless.

“Seriously,” Even folded his arms. “I know you’re just sexually frustrated.”

“You don’t know anything!” Isak raised his voice.

“Oh! I don’t?” Even pressed.

“No!” Isak barked. “You don’t.”

“Come on, Isak,” he put his large hand on Isak’s shoulder. Isak hated how much the touch affected him, how it made his knees feel week and his stomach twist with lust and longing. He had to keep it together.

“What?” Isak glared.

“You haven’t even kissed a girl yet,” Even reasoned.

When did Even decide he knew everything? “What makes you think I haven’t?” Isak was offended.

“Because you would have told me!” he nearly shouted as if that was obvious.

“Are you so sure about that?” Isak asked.

“Yeah, I mean, why wouldn’t you tell me?” Even asked, almost looking hurt. It made Isak both feel bad and angry.

“Well, you’re wrong again,” Isak shook his head.

“I am?” Even almost didn’t believe him, removing his hand from his shoulder.

“Yes, Even. I’ve kissed a girl. Hell, I kissed a girl before you,” Isak admitted, dropping the plate he was scrubbing in the soapy bubbles.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Even wasn’t even hiding it anymore. He was hurt.

Isak shrugged, “I don’t know. It didn’t seem important.” That was a lie. But fourteen-year-old Isak couldn’t bear to admit to Even that he found more himself more aroused from brushing his teeth next to him than he had when his tongue was down Vilde’s throat.

Even’s face seemed to undergo a variety of emotions in the span of a few seconds, finally settling on what Isak decided was indifference. “Good times with Emma today, then?” he asked. Isak so desperately wished there was at least some bite in Even’s voice, but there wasn’t, not even a little bit to justify Isak's growing anger.

Isak’s blood began to boil.

“Yeah, I had a great time with Emma today. Thanks for asking!” Isak shouted, not a hint of gratitude in his voice, walking out of the kitchen and heading for the stairs.

“Stop, Isak.” Even grabbed his wrist as Isak stood a step above him on the stairs.

“What?!” Isak roared. “What, Even?”

“Just stop. You don’t have to get so mad, okay?” Even argued.

“Are you kidding me?” Isak laughed, but there was no humor in his voice. “Are you telling me not to get mad? Why? You think you’re the only one who gets to be angry, Even? You think the rest of us don’t get mad sometimes?”

“Isak,” Even looked up at him, his eyes glassy. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Well, you did!” Isak tore his wrist away. “I am upset,” he started walking up the stairs. He half expected Even to follow him but he didn’t. He stayed at the bottom of the steps.

Isak walked straight to the shower, turning on the faucet and shutting the door. He stripped his clothes and threw them on the floor and stepped behind the curtain. He leaned his head against the wall and let the water stream down his back. His chest heaved until he finally returned his breathing to normal and felt calm enough to wash his hair. As he was soaping up the suds in his hair, he couldn’t stop picturing the hurt look in Even’s eyes. He couldn't get it out of his head how he'd done that to him. He rinsed out his hair and got out of the shower. He stood there naked, brushing his teeth.

Eva knocked on the door, “I really need to pee, Isak!”

“One second!” he yelled with a mouth full of toothpaste. They usually asked each other if anyone needed the bathroom before showering out of courtesy, but Isak was too angry to talk to anyone.

“Come on! Lea’s using the other bathroom! My bladder’s gonna explode!”

Isak spit into the sink. He gathered his clothes up from the floor and tied a towel around his waist, finally opening the door. Eva was hit with a wall of steam, shoving past him to shut the door behind him. The door smacked his butt as it closed. Isak supposed he deserved that.

Isak was still very wet, dripping water onto the wood. He quickly and carefully shuffled into his room to pull on clothes. He dropped his dirty clothes in the basket and untied the towel as he dug through his wardrobe for underwear and shorts.

His door opened without warning and Isak shouted, “Naked!” He leaned down quickly to pick up the towel from the floor and hold it across his front as Even stepped in the doorway and shut it behind him, holding the knob behind his back.

“Sorry,” Even said. “We need to talk.”

“Out!” Isak pointed behind Even’s head, part of the towel slipping. He saw Even’s eyes dart down to his waist and he immediately replaced the towel where it had slipped.

Even shook his head.

“Even, I’m naked!” Isak exclaimed.

He nodded, “I can see that. Can you stop shouting?”

Isak felt like he was about to explode again, but Even didn’t look like he was going to move. “Can you at least turn around while I get some clothes on?”

Even quickly turned around, facing the door.

“Thanks,” Isak said sarcastically. He quickly pulled on the underwear and some cotton shorts he found from the wardrobe.

“Can I turn around now?” Even asked impatiently.

Isak was still shirtless, but at least his bottom half was covered, “Fine,” he said, running the towel through his wet hair and shaking it.

Even walked toward him and sat on the edge of Isak’s bed. “I wanted to apologize.”

“Okay,” Isak said, still standing.

“Can you sit please?” Even asked.

“Why?” Isak wouldn’t mind sitting, he just didn’t want to make this easy for Even.

“Because you’re literally glistening and it’s distracting me,” Even huffed, looking up at him.

Isak suddenly felt naked again. He ran his hand through his hair and sat down next to Even, accidentally nudging Even’s shoulder with his own, “Happy?” he asked with irritation.

“Not yet,” Even admitted.

Isak didn’t say anything back, just stared ahead and waited for Even to say something.

“I’m sorry, Isak.”

“Okay.”

“No, like, I’m really sorry. I don’t want you to be upset with me,” Even explained.

“We all want things, Even,” Isak said, unable to hide the edge or the wanting in his voice.

Even’s head dropped, “I know.” He bit his lip and Isak pulled a pillow into his lap and hugged it to his chest hoping Even wouldn’t notice he was trying to hide his suddenly growing hard-on. “Look, you have every right to be upset with me. To be upset in general. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t. I just don’t want to fight with you. We never fight. We’re Han and Chewy. We’re not supposed to fight. Not like this at least.”

Isak felt the ice on his insides begin to melt, “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Isak said softly.

“I’m not done. Hold on,” Even told him, turning to face him. “I just want you to know you can talk to me about anything. Anything, Isak.” He looked in his eyes.

Isak nodded. Even continued, “You’re my best friend. I love you. I want you to tell me everything, but. But I also understand if you don’t want to.”

“Thanks,” Isak nodded back, swallowing. Even just said that he loved him. He hugged the pillow tighter.

Even bit his lip, eyes looking down at Isak's knees, “I also wanted to thank you for talking to Sonja today. I yelled at her. I said somethings I shouldn’t have. You didn’t have to comfort her like that, but thanks for doing it,” he said sincerely.

Isak shrugged, “Anything for you, Han.” He was trying to get the mood back to being light again. He didn’t want to be angry at Even anymore and he wanted to get rid of his hard-on as soon as possible. He just wanted to go back to letting Even brighten his world. Even didn’t laugh though. He barely managed a smile.

“I’m gonna let you sleep now,” Even stood up from the bed.

Something was wrong. Isak could tell, “You don’t have to go,” Isak told him, looking up through the stray wet locks of hair in his eyes.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Even asked, hope in his voice.

"No," Isak shifted uncomfortably. It was the worst lie he ever told. "You still don't have to go, though." 

Even's shoulders fell. He nodded, “I do.”

“Okay,” Isak said, letting him leave him.

“Sweet dreams, Isak.”

“Night, Even,” he told him after the door shut.

He knew Even didn’t hear him, but that didn’t seem to matter. Even seemed miles away. Isak could say anything right now and Even wouldn’t hear it.

That night Isak fell asleep listening to the tape he and Emma had bought, not willing to listen to the sounds of the make-up sex he was sure would be permeating his walls eventually.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I surprisingly really enjoyed writing Emma in this chapter. Let me know what you think of this chapter! How do you feel about Sonja after reading this?
> 
> Also, I usually don't proofread the whole thing before I post the chapters so if you find something confusing or something that doesn't make sense, please let me know! Call me out for my shit, pls.


	6. You don't do it like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for some sexual content, kind of.

 

 

_October 1985_

Isak loathed when it was his turn to make breakfast. He wasn’t really getting better at it and no one ever praised the meal unless Jakob had been on breakfast duty with him. Isak never asked Jakob to help him, not really understanding his obsession with cooking. His obsession with eating was something he could relate to, though.

Since he’d arrived at The Cottages in October, he’d put on nearly ten kilograms of weight, though most of it was muscle. He hadn’t really noticed though until Even had said something last week in the bathroom one night as they brushed their teeth.

“Where did those come from?” he asked, mouth full of toothpaste as Even reached over and squeezed the bulging part of Isak’s upper arm.

He’d been brushing his teeth with that hand, so he moved his toothbrush to the other hand and mumbled back, “Dunno know.” The truth was that Isak ate a lot, probably the most of anyone since Jonas wouldn’t let him skip meals anymore. Isak never really intended to skip meals, he just found he wasn’t hungry enough most of the time or would simply forget.

Since he’d been working in the garden to earn more money for day trips, he spent a lot of his time plowing and pulling weeds. It was tedious work that made his limbs ache at the end of the day, but he loved it. He liked the ache. It reminded him that he’d done something worthwhile.

“Wait a second,” Even said after spitting into the sink. He looked over at Isak, “Lift up your shirt.”

“Excuse me?” Isak spat after him, wiping the remnant foamy toothpaste from his lips.

“Come on,” Even told him, “Lift your shirt. I bet you’ve got abs now, too.”

“No,” Isak had refused.

Even put on that pout Isak loved and replied, “What? Are you hiding something from me? Did you tattoo my name over your heart? Doc will be upset about that one.” His pout dissolved into a grin as he saw Isak roll his eyes.

“Whatever,” Isak conceded, grabbing the hem of his shirt and pulling it upward until his fist rested at the center of his chest. “Happy?” he rolled his eyes again for good measure.

Even didn’t answer his question, just promptly put his large hand on Isak’s stomach. Isak flinched at the contact. Even’s hand was cold. “Wow Isak,” he shook his head, “And I thought I had good abs.”

“What?!” the high-pitch to Isak’s question surprised him.

“Look,” Even kept his hand on Isak’s stomach, fingers splayed across Isak’s side above the slope of his hip, as he lifted his own t-shirt.

Isak lowered his eyes to the ridges of Even’s abdominal muscles. They created a definition that wasn’t there when they were just boys.

“What are you doing?” Jonas asked, walking by the open bathroom door. Isak flinched again, dropping his shirt and stepping away from Even. Jonas eyed him curiously.

“Jonas,” Even grabbed the hem of Isak’s shirt and lifted it back up, yanking on it until they were both facing Jonas again, “Who has better abs? Me or Isak?”

“This is dumb,” Isak groaned. Jonas lowered his eyes, looking at each of their bare torsos.

Jonas seemed to have finally come to a decision, “Isak.”

“See?” Even smiled at him.

“But I have the best abs,” Jonas quickly followed with, pulling up his shirt to reveal even more impressive stomach muscles than Isak’s. He slapped his stomach, “Hard as rock,” he grinned.  

“Whoa,” Isak and Even had said at the same time.

Since that conversation Isak had been paying more attention to his own body, noticing the way his legs seemed more toned and his arms bulged when he was barely flexing. It was a welcome distraction from too thoroughly noting the way Even’s had matured.

Isak had cracked a dozen eggs into a bowl and collected the eggshells. He carried them in a different bowl out to the compost bin in the stables, dumping them in the pile. Before he turned back, something between two of the washing machines caught his eye. He kneeled down and pulled out a few glossy magazines that had been wedged between the machines. Isak almost dropped them when he saw what they were. The magazine on top depicted a very naked woman. He looked around to make sure he was alone and quickly flipped through some of the pages, noticing women in a variety of suggestive poses, some with men around them. Isak’s eyes bulged. He quickly put them back where he found them, stood up and rushed into the house to finish breakfast.

“Eggs again?” Eva groaned as she walked into the kitchen.

“It’s the best thing I can make!” Isak argued, whisking the eggs together in a shallow bowl, moving his hand quickly, trying not to think about what he’d just found in the stables.

“Jakob!” Eva yelled.

“Aren’t they still sleeping?” Isak whisper-shouted.

Eva shook her head, “Everybody’s up.”

“That’s weird,” Isak noted. Usually he had to knock on doors that breakfast was ready on his mornings to cook.

Eva just answered him simply, “Sonja and Even,” as if that explained it.

Well, it did.

“If Jonas wanted to have morning sex that often I’d break up with him, I swear,” she shook her head.

“No, you wouldn’t,” Jonas scoffed, sauntering into the kitchen behind her. Jonas was a morning person to an annoying degree. He claimed he didn’t want to sleep his life away. If their circumstances had been different, maybe someone would have argued against his point.

“You wanna test that?” Eva challenged with a smirk.

“No, definitely not,” he smiled, kissing her cheek as they sat down at the table.

“What’s wrong!?” Jakob came barreling into the kitchen.

Eva pointed at Isak. Jakob visibly deflated. “No, no, no, no,” he grabbed the bowl from Isak. “We’ve had scrambled eggs four times this week already. And yes, there is such thing as too much of a good thing.”

“I could disagree with that,” Lea said as she walked in the kitchen.

“Try me,” Jakob tested her.

“You can never have too much money,” she offered.

“Wrong,” he decided immediately. “We’re alive for other people because some bastard had too much money and a terrible idea.” No one had ever heard Jakob say something so dark. The four of them immediately fell into a strange silence.

“What’s going on?” Emma asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she joined them. She looked over at Jakob, “I thought Isak was cooking breakfast today?”

Jakob shook his head vigorously, “We’re having omelets.”

Emma saluted him, “Yes, Mr. Chef Sir!”

That was all it took to resolve the tension in the room. Isak didn’t know how Emma did it, but she was good at putting everyone at ease. When she’d shown interest in helping out in the garden and set up a job with George so she could get a little extra money, too, Isak was nervous about it. He was the only one from his house that worked in the garden and most of the time he did it while listening to his Walkman. He liked the alone time it gave him and he worried Emma would want to talk the whole time.

But Emma surprised Isak again. She was always doing that. When she started working in the garden with him, she’d just fall to her nice, smile, maybe say, “Hey,” and get to work. Isak would have felt bad not talking with her if it weren’t for the fact that she never initiated the conversations as they dug through the soil.

One day, a few weeks after Emma started working in the garden, the lack of talking became too much for Isak. He sat back on his haunches and ripped his gloves from his hands to slide the headphones off his ears and hang them around his neck.

“You okay?” she asked. Finally, she talked to him in the garden.

Isak’s eyebrows scrunched together, “Yeah.” He said it simply, not even hinting at expanding on his answer.

“You sure?” she asked, stopping her hands in the soil.

He bit his lip, “No offense,” he started. She raised her eyebrows in what looked like skepticism, “But you literally never stop talking in the house, so why are you so quiet out here?”

At that she smiled, “What? You think I’m here to talk to you?”

Isak wasn’t expecting that for some reason, “What? No, I-”

She rolled her eyes, “Isak, you’re cute, but I like gardening, okay?”

“But,” he started.

She dug her hands back in the soil, sifting it methodically, “Look, I know you like to just clear your head out here so I’m not just gonna barge in and make you talk to me. If you wanna talk, we’ll talk. But I’m fine just enjoying the garden.”

He didn’t know what to say.

“Got it?” she asked him in a way that he thought she intended to be condescending but somehow it came across as comforting.

“Got it,” he mumbled back.

“Good,” she smiled. She swatted her gloved hands together and stood up quickly. Isak watched the way she sauntered over to the toolshed to find a hand trowel, knowing full-well he was watching her.

When she came back and dropped to her knees again, Isak was still staring at her, eyebrows scrunched together. “Did you want to talk about something?” she asked him, not even bothering to glance over at him.

“No,” he said quickly.

“Well, before you put your gloves back on, can you do me a favor?” she asked.

“Uhh, sure,” he nodded.

“There’s a hair tie in the front pocket of my shorts. Can you tie my hair back, please?” she held her gloved and dirty hands up to show him how much of a hassle it would be for her to do it herself.

“Okay,” Isak agreed. He took steps with his knees until he was close enough to her to reach inside her pocket. She stood up straight on her knees to make it easier for him.

“Thanks,” she smiled.

“Do you just want it tied back or a braid?” he asked, kneeling behind her.

She turned around, “You know how to braid?”

He smirked, “I know four different braids.”

“What?” she was genuinely surprised. “I can’t even French braid.”

Isak nodded, “My best friend at Nissen taught me. She can do anything with hair.”

“A braid would be nice, thanks,” she agreed. She plopped back on her butt and crossed her legs. Isak leaned back on his haunches as he started French braiding her long brown hair, “All this time I thought Even was your best friend. You two are really close,” she spoke.

Isak nodded but realized she couldn’t see him, “Yeah, he might be, I don’t know. I was really close with Vilde, too.”

“How close?” she asked.

“She was the first girl I ever kissed,” Isak said, purposefully choosing the word first instead of only even though they were both accurate.

“Doesn’t sound like a best friend,” she replied. “Do people kiss their best friends at Nissen?”

Isak laughed, “I don’t know. I guess. There, done,” he said, releasing her hair.

“Wow, that was fast,” she commented.

Isak shifted to sit next to her, “Yeah, I’m the master at braiding hair.”

Emma rolled her eyes, “You’re so full of yourself.”

“I can teach you,” Isak offered.

“I think I’m gonna cut it all off anyway,” she shrugged, “It just gets in the way of everything. At Grefsen they made all the girls have the same haircut. Guys, too.”

Isak realized Lea had about the same hair style as Emma. Her hair was just a few shades lighter. He didn’t know what to say to her. He didn’t know if she was asking his opinion on it or not. She nudged him with her knee, “You can teach me on Eva, though. Her hair’s super long.”

“That’s true,” Isak agreed, “I don’t think she’d mind.”

They went back to their work in the garden and Isak slipped his headphones back on. An hour or so later, though, Isak couldn’t help asking Emma all about Grefsen. He’d never heard anything about the other schools. It became easy to fall into conversation with Emma in the place he’d often went to be alone.

The next day Isak had gotten to the garden before Emma and when she kneeled down next to him, he almost didn’t realize it was her. He tore his headphones off, “Wow, you actually did it,” he commented.

Emma nodded. She’d cut what must have been at least ten inches off her hair. It was so short that the strands didn’t even reach her ears. It looked like a boy’s cut. “What do you think? Do you like it?” she asked and Isak thought for the first time that Emma looked nervous.

He smiled, “Yeah, I really like it,” he told her honestly.

She smiled back, physically relaxing at his words.

“I think you look beautiful, Emma,” he admitted. When he said the words he almost thought he’d regret them, that Emma would roll her eyes and tease him for it.

Instead, Emma surprised him again, simply replying with a “Thanks, Isak,” and a smile.

Eventually Isak stopped bringing his Walkman to the garden, finding it easier to talk with Emma than listen to the same eight songs over and over.

 

 

When the rains came in October, they stayed for a week. On the third day, Isak had enough of being cooped up in the house.  He pulled on his tall boots over his jeans, layer up with a long sleeve, a sweatshirt, and a rain jacket. He yanked both hoods up over his head as he walked out the door, heading for the trail beyond the road.

“Mind if I join?” Even asked, falling into stride next to him. He’d bundled up in layers, too and even brought an umbrella. Why hadn’t Isak thought to do that?

“Sure, why not?” Isak shrugged.

“Here,” Even said, opening up the umbrella.

Isak stepped instinctively closer to him, allowing the umbrella to catch most of the rain from above. They walked along the trail for about ten minutes when the rain let up from a shower to a light sprinkle. The sound of the light rain on the nylon fabric of the umbrella and the muted squish of their boots in the mushy dirt were soothing to Isak. But when Even interrupted the peace to ask a simple, “Hey Isak?” Isak’s heart beat a little faster and body felt a little lighter. He loved when Even said his name.

“Can I ask you a question and you won’t get mad this time?” he asked.

“No,” Isak said.

“What? Wait, no I can’t ask the question or no you’ll get mad?” he clarified.

Isak laughed, “You can ask your question but I can’t promise I won’t get mad.”

Even considered it, biting the inside of his cheek, “Okay. Worth the risk I suppose.”

Isak laughed, “You’re making me nervous.” He was.

“It’s not that bad of a question, I guess,” Even assured him.

“Well, get on with it then.”

“Are you and Emma a thing?” Even asked finally.

Isak really didn’t think Even would be asking him that, “A thing?”

Even cocked his head to the side, “You know what I mean.”

“I’m not sure,” Isak admitted. He liked spending time with Emma. And she was nice when she wasn’t purposely being mean to get a rise out of Isak. She’d yet to get on his nerves. And she liked good music.

“No?” Even pressed.

Isak walked a little slower, thinking of what he should say to Even. He finally resorted to what they’d often done as boys. He brought the universe into. “I think there’s a universe where we’re together. And plenty where we’re not. I’m not sure about this one yet.”

Even nodded, understanding what he meant. “What kind of universe do you want it to be?”

 _A universe where I’m with you_.

“I’m not sure about that either,” Isak settled for. Even said nothing back, just kept walking. Isak couldn’t help it, “What would you think if Emma and I did have a thing?” As soon as he asked it, he regretted it. There were several answers Even could give him that he wouldn’t want to hear. Isak almost thought he could hear his insides creaking from the weight of his worrying.

“I’d want you to be happy. I’m happy if you’re happy,” Even told him, managing not to look Isak in the eye.

His answer could have been worse, but it wasn’t the _please don’t, I want you to be with me_ answer his brain instinctively let him imagine in the second between Isak’s question and Even’s answer.

“Thanks,” Isak said, staring at his feet.

“Sure,” Even nodded.

Even walked along with him, digging his fist further into his jacket pocket, letting minutes slip by without saying anything until, “Do you think there’s a universe where we don’t know each other?”

Isak shook his head, “I don’t want to think about that.”

“No?” he smiled.

Isak shook his head again, “Definitely not.”

“Last night, I was thinking,” Even started.

“Oh no,” Isak joked.

“Jerk,” Even shoved him with his shoulder.

“Kidding. What were you thinking?” Isak asked him.

“I was thinking about if there’s a universe where we’re the originals,” he said.

Isak had thought of that universe before, too. He didn’t think there were good chances he and Even would know each other in that universe so he didn’t think of it often. “There probably is,” Isak replied.

Even shrugged, “I think if I were in that universe, I’d let myself die without any donations.”

“Really?” Isak asked.

“Yeah,” Even bobbed his head, “I couldn’t do _this_ to someone else.” _This_ , meaning living a short and very carefully handled life to be extra organs.

Isak shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“You would?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows.

Isak knew what he was sounding like, a person without a heart, “I just don’t think any of us would be different from any of them if we switched places. I don’t think they agree to it so they could do _this_ to us.”

“You have better faith in the good of people than I do,” Even admitted.

“Maybe,” Isak replied, “But you’re usually the one who’s right about things.”

Even turned to Isak, eyes wide, “Wow, did you really just say I’m right about something?”

Isak rolled his eyes, “No, I just said it’s possible you’re right. Settle down.”

Even laughed, “I guess this time I hope I’m not right.”

Isak shrugged, “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Even scoffed, “You used to be so nice to me, Isak. What happened?”

He kicked at the mud under his boot. “I don’t know,” he lied.

“I’m only kidding,” Even nudged him. “You know I love you, Chewy.”

Isak smiled and dipped his head, “I know,” he nodded.

 

 

 

Emma sat on the floor of Isak’s room, looking through his shoebox of tapes. Isak was lying sideways on his bed, his head hanging upside down. “Have you picked one yet?” he asked, obviously trying to sound annoyed. Most of them had gone into town for a day trip to escape the rain. They were alone in the house apart from Sonja and Even. Sonja had been taking a nap and Even was watching a movie downstairs.

Emma didn’t look at him, just rummaged through the box with one hand and raised her other to push his face away making him laugh. “Some things can’t be rushed, you know,” she argued.

“Okay, okay,” he rolled his eyes and noted the way it felt different upside down, “Just sometime before we die alright?”

Emma plucked a tape from the box, holding it reverently in her hands, “The moment you’ve all been waiting for,” she teased.

Isak turned around to lie back on the pillows at the head of his bed, “Took you long enough.”

“Can you stop criticizing me for like two seconds?” she scoffed, jumping up to sit on the bed next to Isak.

“No,” Isak laughed. Then a second later, “Your hands are always cold.”

She lifted the back of her hand to Isak’s neck, making him squirm away. She laughed, “Poor circulation. Pisses off every doc.”

Isak leaned over his bedside table to grab his Walkman. He had those head phones with twistable ears so Isak put them on and twisted the left ear piece away from his ear and towards Emma’s. She leaned in close pressed her ear against the ear piece, practically lying against Isak’s shoulder. “Good?” he asked.

She shifted a little, handing him the tape, “Good,” she smiled.

They listened to the tape’s front side in silence, arms brushing occasionally against each other’s and when Isak went to turn it over, Emma settled her whole arm on Isak’s thigh. “Good?” she asked, her fingers playing with the loose denim of his jeans.

Isak cleared his throat, “Uh, yeah.” He noticed the way her eyes lowered to his lips and turned his head down again to flip the tape. He was feeling nervous. He could tell Emma wanted to kiss him. She was giving him all the signs and letting him know she was open to it. She wouldn’t make the move. She was giving Isak the chance to do something about or ignore the arm on his leg and the proximity of her lips.

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t wondered what kissing Emma would be like. He’d thought about it a few times when they were on their knees next to each other in the garden. He didn’t want to repeat what happened with Vilde. He didn’t want to get upset and breakdown to Emma because this time he was afraid of what he might admit – afraid he’d be able to describe exactly what he felt was wrong with him.

Isak fumbled with the tape, his fingers suddenly slippery, “S-sorry, I, uh-” he said, twisting it just right to place it in.

“It’s okay, Isak,” she said softly. She could have been referring to the tape or Isak’s sudden spike in his nerves. She was being chill enough for the both of them.

Eventually, Isak set the tape in, closing the little door of the player and setting it on his leg that wasn’t currently occupied by Emma’s arm. He looked over at her and she was looking at him, his lips specifically.

Isak hesitated, but he lifted his hands to pull the headphones off his ears. Emma followed the movement with her eyes only to return them to Isak’s mouth.

He was going to do this. Isak told himself he was going to do this. He moved the Walkman and headphones onto the bedside table and returned his hand to rest it on top of Emma’s. He couldn’t look her in the eye. He felt like if he did, he’d lose all his nerve. He licked his licks and mentally reminded himself, _open your mouth a little and aim for the top lip_.

Isak gave himself a quick little nod and then he was leaning in as his insides jumped. Emma’s lips parted into the softest smile and she closed her eyes as Isak’s lips met hers.

Isak was right on target, capturing Emma’s lips with his own. He’d expected his stomach to flip. He expected to feel like “someone was tickling his insides” as Even had once described it. He didn’t expect his nerves to dissipate into what Isak could only think to call discomfort.

He kissed her and the only thing that was running through his head was when he thought he should stop. When would he get to stop?

He pulled away and she opened her eyes when he was centimeters from her face. “Was that,” he started, “Was that okay?”

She nodded, “Yeah,” smiling. “You can do it again if you want to.”

Isak considered it, looking down at her lips once more. He knew how to do more. Vilde had taught him. He could do more, he thought. He could feel more, he hoped. “Okay,” he said, leaning in again.

Emma’s lips met Isak’s again. This time she was more forward, participating more in the kiss instead of following Isak’s lead. He was almost grateful that she wouldn’t make him do everything. He opened his lips wider as he moved his mouth against hers, focusing on making sure to breathe each time their lips separated.

All Isak could think about was whether other people kissed like this for this long. Not long after he felt Emma’s tongue prodding at his bottom lip and it surprised him so he pulled away.

“Sorry,” she whispered gently, bringing her other hand up to his cheek as the one on his leg gripped his thigh.

Isak shook his head as if to say she didn’t need to apologize. He just leaned back in, this time ready for tongue and letting her guide his mouth with the caress of her hand on his jaw.

He tried. He really tried to make it nice for her, playing the game of push and pull, leaning into her space and letter her push back into his. Her hand on his leg moved further up his thigh, rubbing gently until she reached the junction of his hip and pelvis. He nearly yanked his lips away and this time Isak was apologizing, “Sorry, I didn’t mean” _for this to go on this long_ he meant to say.

“I want to,” she told him, “If you want to.” Once again she was giving him a chance to back out. A chance to stop this. Isak so badly wanted to want this. He couldn’t think of anything he wanted more badly than perhaps who was lying on the couch almost directly below them.

Isak nodded, “Okay.” _You can do this_ , he told himself.

Emma smiled and this time when she kissed him, she kissed him with everything she had, dominating the kiss and taking complete control of the lead. Soon she moved a leg over Isak’s, moving to straddle him, her hands resting against Isak’s chest as she kissed him.

He didn’t know what to do with his hands. He’d figured out what to do with his lips, but he was confused about his hands. He remembered the way Vilde wrapped her hand around the back of his neck so he mimicked that, reaching his right hand up to rest at the short soft hairs at the base of her neck.

Emma’s hands moved away from each other, one hand resting on Isak’s shoulder, the other reaching down farther until she settled right over the zipper of Isak’s jeans. He focused on her lips, thinking over and over about how beautiful Emma was and how much better his short life could be if he could just be able to do this. Emma, his friend. Emma, his friend who he was kissing. Emma, his friend who he was kissing, who was palming him steadily through his jeans.

She broke her lips away, looking down at her hand where she was rubbing Isak. “Sorry,” he started, catching his breath.

“Um, I can help,” she said, shimmying further down his legs and pushing them apart until she was settled between them. The sound of her deft fingers pulling down Isak’s zipper was deafening. He leaned his head back against the wall, clenching his eyes. She unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them down slightly. With careful fingers that had warmed up by now, she just barely eased Isak out of his underwear, stroking him with her hand and then he felt her lips press gently against his skin. It felt foreign and not what he was expecting. It wasn't what he'd imagined in the fantasies he didn't dare tell anyone about.

Please, please, please, Isak repeated over and over in his head. This was Emma he told himself. You like being with her. She makes you laugh. She listens to you. You can do this for Emma. Come on, Isak.

“Isak?” her voice tore him from his concentration. She’d been trying for a few minutes, her mouth careful but steady around him. 

“Hmm?” he said, not daring to look down at her.

She sat up, resting on her haunches, “Are you okay?”

Isak finally gave in, looking at her worried face. “Yeah, sorry, I just-“ he couldn’t think of an excuse so he just let his words die out.

“Has _this_ happened to you before?” she asked carefully. _This_ being the fact that she just had her hands and lips on the most private, sensitive, and vulnerable part of his body (except maybe his heart) and it had barely reacted.

He didn’t know what to say. He felt exposed in more than just one way.

“I know that it happens to some people. It’s okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed about,” she told him, trying to be encouraging, trying to show him she wasn’t judging him.

Isak could feel his face flush as he looked down at his exposed groin. “Yeah,” he nodded, “It happens sometimes,” he lied.

She climbed off of him and sat cross-legged on the bed next to his knees. Isak tucked himself back in, pulling up his jeans, zipping them and fastening the button, “I’m sorry, Emma.”

She shook her head, “Don’t be sorry. It’s okay.”

Isak looked at her trying to figure out how she could possibly be any more chill. He suddenly felt angry with himself for not being able to make her happy, not being exactly what she had wanted.

“You could talk to the doctor about it,” she offered. "It's not embarrassing or anything," she said with encouragement. 

Isak nodded, dropping his eye contact and biting the inside of his cheek.

“Isak?” she asked again.

“Mhm?” he braced himself.

“Do you like me?” she asked and he couldn’t help wincing at the way her voice sounded so small.

“Of course I like you,” he told her.

“But, do you like me like _that_?” she asked. He knew what she was trying to say. She wanted to know if Isak really liked her. She wanted to know if Isak fond her physically attractive. Isak knew Emma was good looking. But he hadn’t given it much thought beyond that. He hadn’t obsessed over her lips, or her hands, or her arms, or her ass, or her stomach, or her anything like he’d done to others, _one_ other.

“I think you’re beautiful, Emma,” he said and he hated himself for the way his voice cracked.

She physically deflated, actually let out a sigh, “Thanks, Isak.”

He could feel the word vomit coming, “I’m sorry, Emma. I really am. I think you’re great. I really like you and you’re such a good friend.”

“A good friend?” she asked.

He nodded, “Yeah of course.”

“Just a good friend?” she replied, looking him right in the eye, not letting him back out of this one.

“I don’t know,” Isak told her. If he was being more honest he would have just said yes.

She gave a half-hearted laugh, “I should have known. I mean, apparently, you kiss your best friends, so.”

Isak felt the tension leaving his body, his shoulders, relaxing. He smiled, “Not all of them.”

“Right,” she laughed. “I should tell Even he’s next,” she joked.

Isak fought himself to keep from reacting. He couldn’t reply to her so she just looked out his window. “Looks like the rain stopped. I think I’m gonna go for a walk,” she decided, standing up from his bed.

“Do you want me to come with you?” he asked, hoping things were okay with them.

She shook her head lightly, “No, I think I want to be alone for a bit.” She gave him a weak smile and he couldn’t help but mirror her.

Isak felt like absolute crap. He hated how sad Emma looked. He hated that he’d done this to his friend. “Okay,” he said, and he let her go.

 

Isak sat on his bed for about ten minutes, just staring down at his lap, cursing himself for not being able to be what Emma wanted or needed him to be. He did the opposite of calm down. Instead, he just became angrier and more irritated with himself. Isak’s dreams at night and his thoughts during the day were dominated by thoughts of sexual pleasure, so why couldn’t he actually do it? Finally, he stood up from the bed, nearly ran down the stairs and went straight for the washing machines in the stables.

He pulled the stack out from its hiding place and moved over to sit at a table. He set them down angrily. He opened the first magazine, quickly looking through the images and scanning the men’s faces. He heard footsteps outside the large stable archway and they suddenly came to a stop. Without look up, Isak called out, “Hello, Even!”

He heard his feet again. Even side stepped into view and Isak looked over at him. “Hey Isak,” Even waved.

“Well don’t just stand in the doorway. Come on in. Join the fun,” Isak said sarcastically, methodically looking through the pages.

Even walked over to him, glancing down over Isak’s shoulder, “I didn’t know you liked that sort of stuff.”

Isak shrugged, “You’re welcome to them after I’ve finished.” He kept turning the pages.

Even shook his head, “Nah, it’s just sex stuff,” he paused, “I’ve probably seen them all already anyway.”

“Hmm,” Isak answered him shortly, lowering his head to peer closer at the faces.

Even shifted on his feet, “Isak. What are you looking for?”

Isak continued with his practice, “What do you mean? I’m just looking at dirty pictures. Didn’t you know I’m sexually frustrated?” he said with irritation.

Even moved to sit next to him, “What? Just for kicks? Having fun?” he pressed. He wasn’t buying it.

“Yeah, I suppose you could that,” Isak answered him.

Even tried to hide the smile on his face as Isak turned the pages quickly. “If it’s just for kicks, then. Isak. You don’t do it like that.”

Isak finally stopped, looking over at him, trying to figure out where Even was going with this.

Even cleared his throat, “You have to. You need to look at each picture more carefully. Nothing will, well, nothing really happens if you go that fast,” he gestured to the magazine with his eyebrows.

It sent a wave of anger through Isak. He tried to keep his voice steady when he replied. “How do you know what works for me?” he challenged. Even didn’t immediately reply to him so he went back to the magazines, looking through the pages quicker now.

“Isak. You’re _not_ looking for kicks,” Even said adamantly.

Isak bit down on his bottom lip hard, shoving the cover of the magazine tight. He gathered all three of them in his hands and stood up from the table. Even stood with him, startled. “Here,” Isak shoved them against Even’s chest a little too hard. He didn’t break eye contact when he said, “Give them to Sonja.” He walked past Even, bumping his shoulder forcefully. He didn’t even look back at him when he said louder, “See if they do anything for _her_!” Isak left Even in the stables and hid in his room until dinner. For the first time, Isak admitted to himself that he hated himself for loving Even. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was harder to write than I thought it would be. I felt bad for Emma. But she and Isak's friendship is going to be okay.


	7. Why does it hurt so much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> real heavy on the angst here

 

 

_March 1986_

In the ten months since Isak had been moved to the Cottages, Sonja had not once knocked on his door. He’d been solving the messed up Rubik’s cube Emma had tossed him when Sonja knocked. “Come in!” he called out, focusing on the puzzle in his hands.

He and Emma had been talking about the vegetables in the garden as she messed up the Rubik’s cube and he solved it quickly over and over again – how the spinach Isak was tending to was looking good and how Emma couldn’t wait to harvest the radishes. They hadn’t really kissed again since October. There were a few friendly kisses on the cheek and the occasional moment when Isak would grab Emma’s hand when she joined him for a walk. Emma had admitted to him on a cold night in December when they were both huddled close to the fireplace she was glad not to have lost his friendship. Isak agreed, glad she didn’t push him away when they both realized he couldn’t be what Emma had once wanted him to be. She never pressed him as to why, though a tiny part of Isak wished she had.

Neither Isak nor Emma went out of their way to talk to Sonja, but it could be said that both of them had developed a new respect for her. In January, Even had a terrible rage and Sonja had been able to calm him down with whispered words and calming touches. It was the first time Isak had ever seen her do such a thing and for a moment, he let himself think of all the times Sonja must have done the same in the past. She’d been more bearable in winter, finding more kind words and sending fewer harsh looks toward anyone who challenged her. She’d even apologized to Lea after she tried to tell Lea how to fix the whole in her sweater. “I’m sorry, you know what you’re doing,” she’d said, “I just don’t know my limits sometimes,” she had admitted.

Still, when Sonja came through Isak’s door, neither of them were expecting it. “Oh,” Sonja didn’t realize Emma was in his room, “Am I interrupting something?”

Isak finished up the Rubik’s cube a few seconds later, tossing the perfect cube back to an amazed Emma. “Nope,” he told Sonja.

“Can I sit?” she asked, gesturing to the edge of the bed. There was enough room for four people to sit comfortable on Isak’s mattress but he still tucked his legs further under him and scooted back to give Sonja more room as a way of answering her.

Sonja sat and fidgeted with her fingers, “I was hoping we could talk.” She was still looking at her fingers, scraping the dead skin away from her cuticles.

Isak and Emma just stared at her, waiting for her to say more. She finally looked up, glancing at Emma and settling her bold grey eyes on Isak’s.

“Oh,” Emma sat up from the bed, tossing the cube back in Isak’s lap, “I’ll go help Jakob with dinner,” she said, giving them their privacy even though it was barely 15:00 and Jakob wouldn’t be starting dinner for another few hours.

When Emma shut the door softly behind her, Sonja shifted nervously on the bed. “So I suppose you’ve heard what Jonas and Eva have been saying?”

Isak was confused. He talked with Eva and Jonas, but they hadn’t really said anything particularly noteworthy lately. At least not something to warrant this odd behavior from Sonja. In fact, Eva hadn’t really said much lately, hadn’t left her room unless to find Jonas. “Uh, no?” he answered her, looking at her skeptically as he tossed around the cube in his hands.

“Well, you know how Jonas is planning to apply to be a carer, so he’s been practicing driving?” she started.

Isak nodded, “Yeah.”

Sonja shifted again. “Well, uh,” she looked up at him then back down at her hands, “Last weekend, they went to a town up North from here.”  

Isak just stared at her, utterly confused. She finally looked back up at him again, “And they think they saw this person.”

“What kind of person?” Isak asked. Where was she going with this?

“A lady,” she replied, smiling nervously. “A lady working in an office. And..”

“What is it, Sonja?” Isak asked, trying not to press her, but he was beginning to realize what Sonja might be talking about and now he needed to know.

“And they thought this person was a possible,” her voice dropped to a near whisper, it was shaky but she finally finished her sentence, “For me.”

Holy shit. “They found your original.” It was supposed to be a question, but the way Isak said it, it sounded like a statement – a statement of fact.

“Well, they aren’t sure,” she started, speaking quickly, “Obviously, but, but, Eva said the resemblance was really striking!”

“Oh my god,” Isak gasped. In the many trips he’d taken into towns with Emma and Jonas, he was always on the lookout, peering at the faces of the townspeople, looking for someone who looked like him. No one at the Cottages had ever found their original. The fact that Sonja might should have made Isak jealous, but if anything he just felt excited at the possibility.

Sonja let out a sigh of relief, “They want to drive me back up there tomorrow so I can see for myself.” The excitement in her face dissipated slightly. “Even will come, of course,” she said quietly, “but,” she looked at Isak hopefully. He’s had the most experience on the outside of the three of them.

“Do you want me to come?” Isak asked hesitantly.

Her shoulders relaxed and she smiled, nodding with relief, “You’re one of the oldest friends I’ve got.”

He couldn’t help it. He grabbed her hand, “Of course I’ll come, Sonja. Of course,” he assured her.

Sonja leaped forward and hugged him so tightly it almost sent Isak falling backwards onto his bed. He hugged her back and it was easy for his mind to wander to Vilde. Maybe this was what she meant when she had told Isak he didn’t know her like Vilde did. He smiled widely, deciding he would write to Vilde tonight and tell her all about it.

They left early the next morning knowing it would take at least three hours to drive to Lade. Isak had given his letter for Vilde to Emma the night before and asked her to give it to George when he delivered the milk and eggs in the morning. Jonas drove while Eva sat in the passenger seat. Even, Sonja, and Isak sat together in the middle row. Isak had thought it was odd when Sonja asked him to sit with them, but he didn’t think too much of it, chocking it up to Sonja’s nerves.

Isak was pretty tired since he’d been tossing and turning the night before, too tired now to even look nervous. He just leaned his head against the window and listened to the hum of the vehicle. Jonas turned back slightly to look at them before putting his eyes back on the road at the nudge of Eva’s remindful elbow. “So I know Isak’s a pro-traveler by now,” he started.

It was true. Isak hadn’t grown tired of the long drives yet like Eva had. He jumped at any opportunity to visit a new town, and he and Emma took regular trips to their favorite music shop now that they had the money to spend on music. “But how much experience do you two have with the outside?” Jonas asked kindly.

“Oh, loads,” Sonja lied.

“No, we haven’t,” Even said calmly, calling her out. He looked at her like she’d just grown two heads and Isak had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

“Well, we did lots of role-playing exercises at Nissen,” Sonja argued, addressing Jonas.

Even shook his head, “Those don’t count.” He was smiling softly like he couldn’t believe Sonja thought they were prepared.

“Don’t feel scared, okay?” Jonas looked back at Sonja. “There’s really, there’s nothing to it,” he smiled, assuring Sonja before he turned back to paying attention to the road.

Even nodded, accepting Jonas’ words. Sonja piped up, her voice cracking slightly, “We’re not scared,” she spoke for the both of them.

Eva just turned around and smiled at her. Isak could tell Eva hoped Sonja was speaking truthfully.

About an hour later, Sonja’s nerves started affecting her more. “Can you pull over, Jonas?” she asked desperately. “I really need to pee,” she admitted.

“There’s a small town up ahead in like twenty minutes,” he told her. “Can you wait until then?”

She bit her lip and then nodded, crossing her legs together tightly.

As soon as they pulled into the lot of the park, Sonja pushed Even out of the car so she could get out and ran to the bathroom. Even laughed, “I told her she should go again before we left this morning.”

He climbed back in the vehicle and slid in the middle seat next to Isak. Even opened his legs wide and stretched each of his feet beneath the passenger and driver seat. Isak flinched at the way Even’s knee prodded the outside of his thigh. “Sorry,” Even apologized, “I needed to stretch,” he said, placing a large hand on Isak’s thigh and squeezing slightly.

“It’s okay,” Isak choked out. Even smiled at him, not even moving his leg or his hand until they both saw Sonja emerging from the bathroom. Isak felt like he was holding his breath for two minutes as he fought his arousal, images of worms and mud and the sketches of vaginas he’d been shown at Nissen occupying his thoughts. Even’s height came mostly from his impossible long legs, so sitting next to Isak, they were nearly exactly the same height.

When Sonja opened the door and waited to Even to hop out he just replied, “There’s more room for my legs if I sit here.”

“Even,” Sonja whined.

“Come on, Sonja,” Jonas said, “We should really get going.”

Sonja reluctantly climbed back in the van and nearly slammed the door shut. Even tried to put his arm around her shoulders but she shrugged him off, leaning against the window and shutting her eyes. No one said a word. No one needed to.

They’d been driving for almost thirty minutes when Isak heard Sonja lightly snooze. She’d fallen asleep. Even must have notice, too, because the next thing Isak knew his hand was being pulled onto Even’s thigh.

Isak’s knuckles brushed the corduroy fabric of Even’s pants. Isak just stared down at his hand on Even’s leg, unable to look away, unable to form words. Even cupped the thumb-side of Isak’s hand gently with one hand while the other traced the lines on Isak’s fingers and palm as he sunk lower into his seat and rested his head on Isak’s shoulder. Even moved to Isak’s wrist, tracing figure eights on his skin. It tickled and Isak’s breath hitched. He looked down to Even’s face, but Even didn’t look at him, just smiled and began tracing the blue veins that slightly bulged on the pale skin of Isak’s arm. Isak’s fist closed in concentration, focusing on the way Even’s fingers felt so strong but light on his skin.

Even moved his free hand up to Isak’s clenched fist, prying his fingers out of their tight hold. He laid his hand flat over top of Isak’s open palm, rubbing his thumb across Isak’s wrist. Isak’s could help the way his fingers curled back over, gripping Even’s hand.

Even drew pictures and wrote words on the underside of Isak’s forearm. He made patterns on his skin like he’d often painted as a kid. And when he grew tired of that, he began tracing lines from freckle to freckle on Isak’s skin. He was running out of freckles and started turning Isak’s arm when he noticed it, his head lifting up from Isak’s shoulder.

Shit, shit, _shit_. Isak was straining in his pants, the bulge obvious in his tight jeans. Isak pulled his arm away and shifted away from Even, yanking his sweatshirt off and crumpling it in his lap. He was angry. He didn’t understand how the lightest of Even’s touches could completely unravel him.

“Isak,” Even began, an apologetic lilt to his voice.

Isak clenched his eyes tight, gripping the sweatshirt, “Don’t.” He sighed, “Even, please don’t.”

“Everything okay back there?” Eva turned around from the passenger seat.

“All good,” Even nodded. At that Sonja started waking up.

“Good, we’re about ten minutes away,” Jonas told them all. “We’re gonna eat at a diner nearby the office. I’m so hungry. Plus, we saw her in the afternoon, so I think that’s the best chance of getting a good look.”

It didn’t take much convincing from Jonas. Soon enough, all five of them were crammed into a booth. Even and Sonja had their heads down in their menus while Isak played with the fork on the table. Sonja sat between Isak and Even on one side of the booth and Isak tried his best not to touch her at all, like if he’d touched her she’d somehow know Even had given him a hard-on not even thirty minutes earlier.

“Alright, what can I do for you?” the waitress asked, chewing a piece of gum and taking a pencil from her very large hair. She looked down at Isak’s side of the booth first. None of them said a word. Jonas gave him a look that seemed to say _stop being so weird and order some food_.

When no one said anything still, Jonas finally spoke up, “Uhh, I’ll get sausage and eggs, thanks.” The waitress wrote down his order and turned back to Isak, Sonja, and Even.

Even looked in her in the eye, then back down at the menu, then back at the waitress, “Sausage and eggs, please.”

Right after him, Sonja also mumbled “Sausage and eggs, please.”

Isak sighed, “Sausage and eggs for me too, please.”

Eva fought a laugh, “Well, I suppose I better get the sausage and eggs, too, then,”

“5 sausage and eggs,” the waitress wrote down. She looked back at Isak, Sonja and Even’s side, “Drinks?” She looked specifically at Isak. He was starting to feel uncomfortable. He didn’t know why she kept looking at him so much.

Isak hadn’t thought that far yet. He was unprepared and started to scramble. Usually he just let Emma order for him. Jonas put him out of his misery, “Five cokes, please.”

She wrote it down and looked to Isak, “Sorry. I don’t mean to stare. You just look really familiar, hun. Can’t put my finger on it, but I know I’ve never seen you in here before.”

Isak just shrugged and repeated one of the lines he’d heard from a movie, “I guess I just have one of those faces.”

“Guess so,” she smiled. She bounced the pencil on her apron and huffed, “It’ll come to me right when I’m trying to fall asleep or something. Always does!”

They ate their food ravenously, all of them realizing that the small bowl of oatmeal they’d cooked that morning wasn’t doing enough to satisfy their hunger.

Even shoved a forkful of eggs in his mouth and moaned, literally moaned. He put his fork down and shook his head, “I’m starting to think maybe Jakob’s not as good as a cook as we thought. I think our standards are just low.”

Isak nodded, laughing. “There’s something different about these eggs. I don’t know what it is,” he scooped some in his mouth and spoke with his mouth full, “but they’re great.”

The table broke out laughing, even Sonja. Isak wiped at his mouth with the napkin and sat back at the booth, slightly laughing to himself.

Eva played with the eggs left on her plate with her fork. “You know,” she said, “There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you three about it.” She looked over at Jonas, “Well, Both of us.”

Jonas reached out and grabbed her hand, lacing their fingers together.

“Problem is back at the Cottages it’s impossible, someone’s always listening in. So,” she said, leaning back against Jonas’s arm. He smiled nervously.

“Someone was saying that some Nissen students in the past managed to get a deferral?” she eyed the three of them carefully, particularly Eva.

Isak didn’t know what he was expecting, but certainly not that. He didn’t really know what Eva was implying.

“Apparently those Nissen students could have their first donation put back by three or even four years,” Eva was talking quickly now, her eyes darting, looking for some recognition. “If they qualified?”

Isak didn’t know what to say, but he could hardly look Eva in the eye. Her voice was steady, but her eyes told a different story.

Jonas cleared his throat, “If there was a boy and girl and they were in love with each other. Really, properly in love and they could prove it, then they would be given a few years together before they began their donations,” he finished explaining for Eva.

Truthfully, Isak had never heard of such a thing, but he didn’t know how to tell Jonas and Eva that. Not when they were looking at him like the three of them were their last hope.

Finally, Sonja spoke up, “Where did you hear about this?” she asked calmly.

“When we were at Elvebakken,” Jonas told her.

Eva spoke up, “People there were always going on about this Nissen couple. When the guy was only a few weeks from his first donation, he just went to see someone and everything got sorted out.” Sonja nodded her head along, showing she was listening carefully but all Isak could think was that he didn’t know where that story could have come from.

“You would know about that, right?” Eva asked them all. “Being from Nissen, you’d know how that sort of thing works?”

Jonas leaned forward, talking a little quieter, “Who is it you go to? Who would we talk to if we wanted to apply?”

Isak stared down at his plate as Sonja fidgeted next to him. He could feel Even’s eyes on both of them, looking to either of them to give any reaction. Finally, Even just turned to Jonas and Eva, “To be honest, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Isak looked up and Eva looked like she was near tears. Jonas shook his head, “Come on.” He looked angry. Isak had never seen him look angry. “Do you expect us to believe that?” Isak realized he was finally meeting Jonas’ bad-side. He’d been convinced it didn’t exist. “Everybody knows Nissen is special. So what is it? Why would you hide this from us?” Jonas’s voice cracked on his last question. In an instant, Isak went from feeling scared of Jonas to feeling sorry for him.

Even’s eyes were wide, like he wasn’t expecting such strong words from Jonas. He immediately looked to Isak and both Jonas and Eva’s eyes landed on him. Isak pulled his hands into his lap. He steadied his voice and tried not to look away from Jonas’ worried eyes, “There were lots of stories at Nissen. I don’t think many of them turned out to be true.”

Eva’s eyes fell, her shoulders caving in on her chest. A tear fell from her eye, slipping down her cheek. She brushed it away quickly. “I got my notice last week. I’m being moved to a donation center in ten days.”

“They won’t let me be a carer,” Jonas told them. “I suspect my notice will come any day now. Apparently, my original hasn’t taken care of himself.”

“I’m sorry,” Even told them, his voice laced with compassion. He reached across and held Eva’s free hand, “I’m so, so sorry.”

“If we knew anything, we would tell you. You know that, right?” Sonja asked them.

“Yeah,” Jonas nodded, “I’m sorry for getting worked up,” he wiped at his eyes.

“You have every right to be angry,” Even told Jonas and Isak could tell he meant it.

 

 

Jonas and Eva walked hand in hand, leading them right up to the office they’d spoken of. Despite it being March, it was lightly snowing, so they all pulled their jackets close to their bodies and focused on whatever warmth they could find. “I hope you don’t mind, but we’re going to spend some time alone on the peer,” he explained.

“Of course,” Sonja nodded. “It’s this one?” she gestured to the travel agency across the street.

“That’s the one,” Eva nodded.

Isak, Even, and Sonja peered through the office window, not even bothering to care how strange they may have looked. They stood there for about ten minutes when Sonja finally narrowed in on a woman sitting with her back to them. Her hair was very similar to Sonja’s. Isak could hear Sonja’s breath hitch when the woman stood and made her way across the office. They finally got a good look at her face. She was pretty and slender like Sonja, older maybe thirty-eight. But she wasn’t Sonja’s original. She had a very strikingly different nose and her eyes were a deep brown instead of the cold blue Sonja had. Even and Isak pushed away from the window at the same time and began walking down the street toward the pier.

A minute later Sonja walked past them, headed for the beach below.  “She’s going to be angry,” Even said once he knew Sonja was out of ear shot.

Isak nodded, “Wouldn’t you be?”

Even didn’t even need to answer. The question was rhetorical.

Sonja was pacing on the rocks, unable to keep still as she fought with what words to say. She finally settled right in front of Isak. She asked a question, but it came out like a statement, “It’s not her.” She was nodding like she’d already accepted it.

Isak tried his best not to fidget as he looked her in the eye and confirmed, “No.”

Sonja just kept nodding and Isak could feel it coming. She was about to explode.

“It was really close, though,” Even offered in support.

Sonja went livid. She slapped Even’s hand away that had been reaching for her’s. “Oh shut up, Even! It wasn’t close! It wasn’t close at all! You knew it! I knew it! We all knew right away that I wasn’t her!”

“Sonja,” Isak tried to calm her. Even’s face fell and his shoulder sunk, he turned around to pick up a rock from the beach as Sonja turned on Isak.

Tears were falling from her face now, but they didn’t make her look any softer, if anything she looked even more enraged, “I knew it wasn’t going to be her before we even got here. Jonas and Eva probably made it all up just to ask us about Nissen. I am never going to find my original! None of us will!”

“Stop,” Isak pleaded. He didn’t want to hear this anymore. Even tossed the rock far into the water, grunting with the exertion.

“No, Isak! You know why, you know why we’ll never find them! I know you do!” She was fuming, but her voice seemed to settle down slightly, like she’d been saying over and over what line she was about to say next for years, “We come from terrible people who don’t care about anyone but themselves. We’re not made to be good. We’re made to give everything until there’s nothing left, until we just complete and there’s nothing left. Our originals? They. Don’t. Care.”

Even started pacing erratically on the beach, his hands flying up to run through his hair, throwing rocks in the beach one by one. Sonja didn’t seem to notice Even’s behavior, too busy yelling at Isak. Or maybe she'd become immune to it, learned how to tune him out. 

“Sonja,” Isak stepped toward her, his face hot with anger, “Don’t.” Don’t do this to Even. He can’t take it.

“WHAT?!” she screamed. “We all know it! We just never say it. We are modeled on heartless rich bastards. That’s it. We’re just like them without the money! We’re nothing.” Even was already yards away from them. Isak could see Even’s shoulders rising and falling with each of his labored breaths.

Isak shoved past her, unable to listen any longer, his limbs shaking, his hands balling into fists. She just called after him, “If you really want to look for possibles, if you want to do it right? You look in the castles on the hills where they look down on us in the gutters! That’s what we’re made of,” her voice trailed off and broke.

Isak stood frozen, paces ahead of Sonja, paces behind Even. When he turned back to look at her, she was already storming off, leaving Isak and Even on the beach. Isak closed his eyes and counted to three. He gave himself three seconds to collect himself and temper his rage before he was running for Even.

Even’s face was red and his eyes were glassy as he breathed heavily through his nostrils. If Isak didn’t know him, if Isak didn’t love him, he probably would have been scared of him. But all Isak could see was the angry boy inside, the angry boy that screamed and shouted and cried in pain.

“Even,” Isak spoke softly, bringing his hands up to either side of Even’s face. “Even, please.” He leaned forward, pulling Even’s head downward, gently setting his forehead against his.

Even’s breathing hitched and his eyes fell closed as he began hyperventilating, his breath warm on Isak’s mouth. “Even, don’t listen to her,” Isak pleaded.  “She’s just hurting. She doesn’t mean it,” Isak lied. He knew Sonja meant every word. He just had to believe her words came from a place of anger rather than hate.

Anger and hate. The two had to be different. Isak had seen Even angry many times, but he’d never believe there could be any hate inside him. There was always too much love.

Even brought his hands up to Isak’s arms, curling them around his biceps, trying to catch his breath. Isak saw the tears fall from Even’s clenched eyes but didn’t dare wipe them away with his hands, he didn’t dare let go of Even’s face until he knew he was calming. Instead he leaned his head to the side, rubbing his nose and cheek against each of Even’s tear-stained ones, the corners of his lips catching on Even’s skin.

Even’s hands loosened, traveling up the sides of Isak’s arms, finally wrapped around him and pulling him close. Isak hugged Even back even tighter and he let Even bury his face in Isak’s neck. He let him cry and shake. He combed his fingers through Even’s hair and told him we was good and kind and that he had so much love in his big heart.

“Isak,” he cried, “If I have so much love, then why,” his breath caught as he sobbed, gasping for air, “Why does it hurt so much?”

Isak didn’t answer him, couldn’t answer him. He couldn’t make Even feel better. He couldn’t stop his pain. He didn’t tell him that it would be okay. It seemed to the both of them that they’d reached an age in their short lives when they realized the words, however comforting they may feel, would only sting that much more later when they found them to be false.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be completely honest, the next chapter is going to hurt even more, just a heads up
> 
> let's have a check-in. how's everybody doing emotional stability wise, either in relation to this chapter or just in your lives in general? 
> 
> my relationship became a long-distance one as of about eleven days ago and i'm not gonna lie, it's really shitty and I don't think i'm cut out for it and I feel guilty as hell for thinking it's already over between us. so that's where i'm at right now


	8. Stop telling me that!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings in the end notes if you want a heads up before reading.  
> I'll be curious to know what you think of this one. Please tell me your thoughts if you feel like it!
> 
> Edit: I changed the chapter title because I didn't like "Whoa."

 

 

 

 

_March 1986 cont'd._

The ride home had been silent. No one seemed to want to say anything, but Isak knew it was just a matter of time before someone did. It wasn’t until the sun had set and they’d finally arrived back at the Cottages that the fighting started up again. Isak was the last inside the house, raising his wrist to the scanner like Jonas, Eva, Sonja, and Even before him.

He stood at the base of the stairs and shut his eyes when he heard the door slam. He knew it had to be Sonja’s or Even’s because the next thing he heard was Sonja’s screaming voice, “Don’t tell me to calm down! You knew I was upset on the beach!”

He heard doors opening upstairs and soon Jakob, Lea, and Emma were climbing down the stairs in their pajamas, socks making light steps. When Emma reached the bottom, she just asked, “Wasn’t her?”

Isak shook his head, escaping to the common room and plopping on the couch.

“You need some pie,” Jakob called out from the kitchen.

Emma sat next to Isak, not touching him but still sitting very close, “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked quietly.

Isak thought about it. He really thought about telling Emma how Even had started to freak out on the beach, how Jonas and Eva almost didn’t trust them in the diner, how Even had sat next to him on the drive and given him a boner. “No,” he decided, staring down at his shoes.

Jakob and Lea soon walked back in the common room, each of them carrying four plates with large slices of chocolate cream pie. Jakob sat the plate on Isak’s lap, “Here. You need it, kid.”

Isak stared at it a little longer before he picked up the fork and started shoving forkful after forkful of the dessert in his mouth. When he finished his pie in about a minute, he told Jakob thanks. The three of them just stared at him. “I think you need more,” Lea decided, taking his plate and disappearing to the kitchen to get him another slice.

“Just bring the whole pie!” Jakob decided when Isak couldn’t look any of them in the eyes.

A minute later, the four of them were sitting on the floor, the pie in the middle of them as ate away at it with their forks.  When the pie was gone, Isak wrapped his arms around his stomach and lied back on the rug, “You’ve outdone yourself, Jakob. I think I could fall asleep right here.”

“You should sleep in your bed, Isak. The floor’s gonna give you back pain,” Lea suggested.

Isak didn’t say anything at first, just closed his eyes, “I don’t wanna go up there.”

“At least sleep on the couch?” Emma suggested, nudging Isak’s leg with her foot.”

“Yeah, okay.” Isak sat up and crawled up onto the couch, pulling the blanket draped over the back to wrap around his body.

Jakob, Lea, and Emma were quiet as they cleaned up the pie and plates. Isak’s last thoughts before drifting to sleep were the sounds of three sets of feet making their way back up the stairs.

Isak got about four solid hours of sleep before he woke up on the couch, his neck twisted in uncomfortable position. His mouth felt disgusting, like there’s a layer of salty slime coating his tongue and teeth. That’s what he gets for going to bed without brushing his teeth, he supposed.

He pulled himself up from the couch and trudged up the stairs in the dark, the sun still yet to rise. Isak quickly brushed his teeth in the bathroom and then brushed them a second time since he still felt gross. He scrubbed until he was satisfied and nearly falling asleep at the sink.

When he stumbled into his room, he was so tired that he was surprised he got his jeans and t-shirt off without falling over. He collapsed onto his bed, arms spread wide and bare chest and stomach pressed into the sheets.

“Don’t panic,” a voice came from the floor.

Of course, that didn’t work and Isak leaped off the bed and fell to the ground. He groaned on the floor and soon a set of large hands were helping him up. “Shh, it’s 03:30. Everybody’s sleeping,” Even whispered.

“Well you didn’t have to scare me like that,” Isak reasoned, sitting back on his bed. He noticed Even was wearing black boxers he’d never seen before. They fit to his lower body nicely, covering everything while still accentuating his toned muscles. He was wearing a large red t-shirt that exposed his collarbones and hung low on his chest, the sleeves large enough to probably fit two arms comfortably.

Even sat with him, “I couldn’t sleep. I was going to ask you if I could borrow your Walkman, but you were sleeping so soundly downstairs. I just couldn’t wake you.”

Isak scratched at his head and maneuvered his neck around, half-understanding what Even was saying. Even pulled the headphones off his head and set the Walkman on the bedside table, “I’ll just go.”

Even was at the door when Isak finally registered what all he’d said in his sleepy stupor, “No, wait,” he told him. “You don’t have to go.”

“No?” Even paused, his hand on the knob.

“No, you can’t sleep?” Isak checked.

Even shook his head.

“Well, stay. Listen to some music. That helps me sometimes,” Isak offered, crawling under the covers, positioning himself the same as before but leaving room on the bed.

“You don’t mind?” Even asked, stepping closer back into the room.

“Even, I’m too tired to mind,” Isak sighed, bunching the pillow up under his head.

Even silently walked back over to the bedside table and picked up the Walkman. He returned to his spot on the floor, leaning against the wall.

“There’s room up here, you know,” Isak said into the pillow.

“Huh?” Even took the head phones off, “I didn’t hear you.”

Isak lifted his head, peering down at him and covers slid down his back. “I said there’s room up here,” Isak spoke steadily. A chill ran down his spine and he didn’t know if it was from the cold or his newfound courage.

Even nodded, “Okay.”

He stood up and looked at Isak on the bed. Well, really more the empty space next to him. Isak figured he was trying to decide whether to climb on top of the covers or slide underneath them. Isak made the decision for him, lifting the covers up. “Thanks,” Even slid underneath them, lying on his back. He settled into the bed, shifting slightly until he was still beneath the covers.

Isak was lying so close to Even that with the moonlight from outside his window and his eye finally adjusting to the darkness, he could make out every freckle that speckled Even’s pale neck and the side of his face. Even turned to look at him, feeling Isak’s eyes on him. “What are you looking at?” he asked innocently, no malice to his voice.

Isak shook his head, “Nothing,” he lied, “Just trying to figure out what you’re listening to.”

“Here,” Even scooted closer until his shoulder was touching Isak’s. He took the headphones off and set them on his chest, raising the volume slightly.

Isak could hear the soft tune of the Tears For Fears tape. Even was listening to Isak’s favorite song from it. With his eyes closed and his body too tired to be embarrassed, Isak sang along to the words softly, “Don’t take my heart, don’t break my heart, don’t, don’t, don’t throw it away.”

When he opened his eyes, Even was smiling at him. He whispered, “Who knew you were such a good singer?”

Isak rolled his eyes and flipped his head over to the other side, facing away from Even, “Good night, Even,” he huffed, trying to sound thoroughly annoyed.

Isak felt Even shift next to him and then there were fingers slightly brushing his right side. Isak inhaled sharply at the contact. Even was pulling the covers up over Isak’s back. When he was covered up to his shoulders, Even’s arm fell on top of the blankets, his hand hanging lazily over Isak’s side. He felt goosebumps when he heard Even’s voice behind him, closer than it had been before, “Sweet dreams, Isak.”

 

When Isak woke up, he was still lying on his stomach, but his chest wasn't pressed into the sheets, it was pressed against Even’s. He was lying half on top of Even and it took everything in his sleep-dazed body not to jump up in shock. He blinked quickly with his head resting on Even’s shoulder, his eyelashes just barely tickling the exposed skin of Even’s collarbone.

About a thousand thoughts raced through Isak’s mind as he tried to remember how he ended up like this. Did he move onto Even in his sleep or did Even pull him over? Where did the Walkman go? Why didn’t Even go back to his bed when he finished listening? Before he can answer any of those questions, Even shifted beneath him, wrapping his arms tighter around Isak’s back, and oh, that’s when Isak realized he’s literally woken up in Even’s arms.

Even twisted beneath him, tilted his face down until his nose burrowed in Isak’s hair and his lips are just ghosting Isak’s forehead. In the night, the covers somehow fell from Isak’s back. He should be cold, but his whole body is flush and warm and he can’t help breathing in Even’s scent – lemongrass and cherry. When he felt Even’s chest rise with a heavy sigh, Isak’s quickly closed his eyes. It was a sure sign that Even was waking up. He knows it too well from the years of sleeping next to each other as boys.

One of the hands on Isak’s back moved up to Isak’s hair, brushing the locks off his forehead. Even combed his fingers through, tucking some hair behind Isak’s ear. Isak could feel his heart racing and kept hoping Even couldn’t.

Even was as quiet as possible when he left. He carefully shifted Isak off of him, pulled the covers back up around Isak’s shoulders and slipped wordlessly out the door. As soon as Isak heard the door shut, his eyes flew open. He spent about ten minutes sitting up in his bed thinking about what had just happened, unable to find any answers and unable to ignore the warm feeling deep in his gut.

Isak had leaned back down against his pillows, just staring at the ceiling. He was micro analyzing every movement from this morning and their conversation from last night when he heard the knock on the door.

“Uhh, just a second,” he spoke loudly, getting up to pull on his jeans from yesterday. He was rummaging through his wardrobe for a t-shirt when he said, “Come in.”

Emma walked through the door and immediately sat cross-legged on the edge of his bed. “I’m not sure how, but I have a feeling this is all your fault,” she huffed.

Isak pulled the t-shirt over his head and sat down next to her. “I’m sorry, what’s my fault?” Isak was confused.

She rolled her eyes, “Sonja has asked me to drive her into town today.”

“What?” Isak didn’t understand, “Why?”

“How should I know?” she huffed. “She wants to go shopping for something, I guess? But I don’t know how she’s gonna buy anything since she has basically no money. She doesn’t do any chores around here.”

“Can’t you just tell her no?” Isak asked.

At that Emma groaned and fell backwards onto the mattress, “I was _going to_ , but Jakob and Lea want to go to and so now they’re all jazzed about going to see that new movie _Pretty in Pink_ , or whatever.”

“Wow, even Jakob?”

Emma nodded, “He was about to tell us all about his huge obsession with Molly Ringwald before Lea basically broke his rib with her elbow.”

Weird, Isak thought. “Are they not sleeping together anymore?”

“Who knows with them?” she shrugged. “Anyway, I didn’t come in here to complain,” she started.

“Uhh, yes, you did,” he laughed.

“Okay, I did. But that’s not the whole reason,” she sat up on her elbows. “Did you want to come with us?”

He sat up next to her, “I don’t know,” he scratched at his head, “I’m still pretty tired from yesterday.”

She shrugged, “Yeah, yeah, I figured. Even’s too tired, too and Jonas practically laughed in Sonja’s face when she asked him to drive her.”

Isak nodded along, happy to know Emma wouldn’t push it. But then wait, did she really say that? “So, Even’s not going?” Isak asked, purely for clarification, not out of interest. No, not at all.

She stood up from the bed and made her way to the door, “Jeez, Isak, it’s like you don’t even listen to me at all,” she teased. “No, he’s not going, he’s ‘getting some much needed sleep’,” she explained, thinking those must be Even’s words.

“Oh,” Isak nodded, a little upset with the way his voice sounded higher than normal.

“We’re leaving in like five minutes, so if you change your mind, you can sit in the passenger seat instead of Sonja,” she joked even though she knew he wouldn’t be accepting the offer.

Isak shook his head, “Sorry, Emma.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she rolled her eyes again, “You just have to listen to me complain about it all tonight, got it?”

He saluted her, “Got it.”

 

 

Isak didn’t make his way down the stairs until he heard the van pull away from the yard and watched it disappear over the hill leading out to the main road. To his surprise, Sonja had actually followed through and made breakfast that morning. There were still some pancakes left so he piled a few on his plate and sat down on the couch and started a movie – _Rocky_.

About fifteen minutes in, Isak was startled when Even sneaked up behind him and smiled, “Nice choice.” He laughed as Isak jumped about a foot off the couch.

“You have got to stop scaring me like that!” Isak yelled.

“You have got to stop being so easy to scare!” Even laughed back, plopping on the couch next to Isak. He leaned back and put his arm on the back of the couch, centimeters away from Isak’s shoulders. “Oooh, pancakes!” he leaned across Isak and stole the last one from his plate. As he leaned, his arm slipped even closer around Isak’s shoulders.

“You’re welcome,” Isak muttered.

“Oh you made these?” Even asked with his mouth full of pancake.

Isak laughed, “No! But that was mine!”

“You snooze you lose,” Even smiled.

A soft silence fell between them as they watched the movie, Even cutting in every once in a while to speak Rocky’s lines with him.

“How’d you sleep anyway?” Isak asked him.

Even shrugged, “Alright,” then, “Your bed is more comfortable than mine.”

Isak didn’t know what propelled him to ask, but he did it anyway, “You slept in my bed?”

Even nodded, “You didn’t notice?”

Isak shook his head, “When I woke up, you were gone,” he lied.

“Oh,” Even removed his arm and slumped further down the couch, “Was that alright? That I slept in your bed?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Isak bit his lip, “I move around a lot. I hope I didn’t kick you or anything.”

Even shook his head, “You barely even touched me. Don’t worry.”

 _Lie_.

Isak didn’t know what to do with this information, but he didn’t ask any more questions. When the movie was over, Even got up to clean the dishes. Isak retreated to his room to read the book he was working on, _Heart of Darkness_.

 

 

_April 1986_

It was extremely cold the morning Eva left. Her carer, an older girl with very light blonde hair and an easy smile had driven out to The Cottages to take her to her donation center. They each took turns hugging her tightly in the yard, tears blurring their visions as they whispered _I love you_ ’s. Jonas held her the longest, brushing her long brown hair out of her face and kissing away her tears.

They had taken a trip together, just the two of them, to Bergen two days prior. They spent the whole of yesterday, apart from meals, holed up in Eva’s room. No one blamed them. It was the least they expected. Together, the six of them prepared Eva’s favorite dinner. Even Sonja helped and gave the occasional comforting caress to Even’s back when she could tell it was all becoming too much for him.

When the town car finally drove off and left the yard, they all walked back in the house aside from Jonas and Isak. “Is there anything I can do?” Isak asked him.

“No,” Jonas whispered, quiet tears still falling down his cheeks as he gazed down the road where the car had disappeared a minute earlier, “There’s nothing we can do.” He finally turned around and walked back in the house, passing Isak with empty eyes.

A minute later, Isak followed him back into the house, sitting on the bottom of the step to change into his boots and pull on a sweatshirt. It was spring, but it was still quite cold outside despite the rising sun.

“What are you doing?” Even asked from the other side of the railing.

Isak was tying his laces tightly when he replied, “I thought I’d go for a walk.”

“Oh,” Even replied, “Does that? Does that mean you want to be alone then?”

Isak stood up to face him, not caring who heard him, “No. I don’t want to be alone.”

 

They took their usual route away from the main path. Isak had walked it so many times he’d beaten a small path in the wood about a half-foot wide. The path wasn’t wide enough for both of them, but Even didn’t seem to mind, following close behind them.

“So, Eva and Jonas were really obsessed about that rumor weren’t they?” he finally broke the silence after about a kilometer.

Isak knew what he was talking about, but he asked anyway, “About the deferrals?”

Even hummed. Isak was much more used to the challenge of the slope they were climbing, having walked it several times every week in the months without snow, even sometimes in the snow when he just needed to get out. Even was breathing heavily so Isak decided to take a break, sitting on a nearby stump while Even caught his breath.

“I was thinking about it again last night,” Even started to explain. “If this rumor’s true, it might explain a few things.”

Isak didn’t know where he was going with this, “Like?”

“Well, the gallery for instance. We never got to the bottom of it. What it was for,” he continued, “Pictures, poetry, sculpture. It’s supposed to say something about you. That’s the whole point about art, right? It says what’s inside of you and reveals your soul, you know?” he was getting excited now, or at least that’s what Isak thought. He could have just been struggling to catch his breath still, but the glint in his eyes said something different.

“Okay, so?” Isak encouraged.

Even finally took the time to steady his breathing, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand, “Okay, so. Pretend, for a second, that the rumor’s true. Okay? Let’s just say it is, alright, that’s there is a special arrangement for Nissen students? If they’re in love.”

“Alright,” Isak nodded.

“Well, there would have to be some kind of way to decide if couples were telling the truth and not just lying to put off their donations.”

“Right, okay,” Isak agreed.

“Well, that’s what the Gallery could be for. They have everything they need to know about us in the Gallery! So if we say that we’re in love,” he was pacing now, Isak could practically see the thoughts spilling from his ears, “they can look into our souls and they could see. They’ll, they’ll, they’ll know if it’s real love or it’s just a lie,” he finally looked at Isak.

Isak knew he was using “we” and “our” to describe the students of Nissen, but a large part of him wished Even had been referring to the two of them.

“That’s a strange idea, Even,” Isak sighed.

“What?” his voice became quiet, less excited. His eyes drooped, “No, no, I don’t think it’s any stranger than any other idea,” he defended. “I think it could work, Isak.” He was pleading with his eyes, like he was asking Isak to verify his theory even though Isak couldn’t.

Isak was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to ask the question that could bring his whole world tumbling down, that could possibly make that day even worse. “Are you thinking of applying?” he asked, “With Sonja?” He could feel his eyes watering. The emotions on Even’s face were nearly undetectable. All Isak saw was pain.

Even gulped and shook his head, “No. It wouldn’t work.”

Isak’s heart was racing. He needed to know why. He needed Even to tell him it was because he wasn’t really in love with Sonja, that he was really in love with Isak. “Why?” he asked, almost immediately regretting it.

Even’s face fell, his voice barely a whisper, “Because,” his head dropped with his voice, “You forget that you got loads of stuff into the Gallery over the years, and if I applied they wouldn’t have anything to go on.”

Somehow this was worse because it was true. Even if Even was in love with Isak, it wouldn’t matter. Madame had never taken his art for her gallery. No one had any idea what was in Even’s soul, even though Isak had been convinced since they were boys that _he_ did.

A tear fell from Isak’s eye and he sniffled. “Isak,” Even started, but it was too painful. Isak couldn’t look at him, “No, Even. Don’t.” He stood up quickly and headed back down the hill, practically running. He ran until his lungs felt like they were bursting when he finally reached the house. He climbed the stairs two at a time and locked himself in his room for the rest of the day.

 

 

-

 

 

By the middle of the month, Emma had grown so tired of Sonja asking her drive she decided to just teach her. Jonas had stopped driving altogether. He had been denied the opportunity to be a carer and he didn’t have Eva to drag along on his adventures. He spent most of his time in his room or wandering around the pasture alone.

Emma, Lea, and Sonja had taken a long trip out to Bergen and would be gone most of the day. Isak had continued his week old habit of avoiding Even, worried he’d want to talk about the Gallery again and that Isak was just break down from his sadness. Despite Even and Sonja sleeping in their own rooms every night since the trip to Lade, Isak wasn’t getting much sleep still. He’d gotten maybe one hour in total last night. It didn’t help that he could hear Even tossing and turning through the wall, too.

Even knocked on the door to Isak’s room that morning and didn’t even give him time to reject him. He walked straight through the doorway and pulled the covers from Isak’s body.

“Even!” he yelled.

“Come on,” he shrugged, “Only Jonas is allowed to sulk. Get downstairs. Jakob is gonna teach us to make breakfast potatoes.”

“I don’t even want breakfast potatoes,” Isak whined.

Even threw jeans at him and found a shirt from his wardrobe, “Here,” he instructed, “Get dressed.”

“What’s gotten into you?” Isak glared at him.

Suddenly, Even was on top of him, kneeling between Isak’s legs and pinning his hands on either side of his head, “What’s gotten into me is that Eva’s gone and Jonas will be gone soon, too. Jakob’s been here two years, who knows how much longer he’ll have and who will cook when he’s gone?” He didn’t give Isak time to answer, just went on, “I’m not wasting anymore time here until I know how much time I have left. You’re my best friend, Isak, and I want you to cook with me.”

Isak groaned, “Ugh, get off.”

Even shook his head, “Are you coming downstairs or not?”

Isak huffed, “Fine! Okay! We’ll make breakfast.”

“Great,” Even smiled, finally climbing off Isak.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” Isak kept glaring until he began to pull the t-shirt over his head.

Even shrugged, “It’s been suggested.”

That caught Isak’s attention, but Even had already disappeared from the room before Isak could ask what he meant.

Isak was given the task of peeling the potatoes after Jakob instructed him very carefully how to hold the peeling knife. He could tell Isak didn’t really care to learn, but was happy to show Even just how much oil to use and when was good to add the spices.

When they sat down to eat, Even ran up the stairs to get Jonas.

Jakob called after, “Hey man! I don’t think he wants to get up, yet!”

“It’s useless,” Isak told him, “It’s Even. He’s getting him up.”

Jakob shrugged, but he looked truly surprised when Even managed to get Jonas to join them. “Where’s the girls?” Jonas asked.

“Emma’s teaching Sonja to drive. Lea went with,” Jakob explained.

“Why is she learning to drive?” Jonas was confused, but he sat down and started eating anyway.

“Emma’s sick of driving her around,” Isak replied.

“And she still thinks she’ll be a carer,” Even said.

Jakob looked at him, “You don’t think she will?”

Even shook his head, “Don’t you think you need to care about people to be a carer?” he asked rhetorically.

“Don’t you think that’s a little harsh to say about your girlfriend?” Jonas pried.

Even shrugged, “We’re not together anymore.”

“What?” Isak dropped his fork.

“Does she know that?” Jakob asked, just as shocked as Isak. “Because she wouldn’t shut up about you this morning.”

Even shook his head again, loose hair falling on his forehead, “She’s in denial.”

“Apparently,” Jakob nodded.

“And she misses my dick,” Even added.

Jonas and Isak choked on their orange juice. Jakob hollered with laughter, “Jeez, man! Bit cocky, huh?”

Jonas spluttered at the pun and actually smiled. The guy smiled for the first time in weeks. Isak was still trying to process everything. “Why did you break up?” he asked carefully.

Even swallowed his bite and looked directly at him across the table, “I’m not in love with her.”

Isak didn’t know what to say, but Jonas spoke up next, “Well, at least we’ll get some sleep around here.”

“Sorry about that,” Even spoke softly, like he was just apologizing for the last year in general.

“When did you break up?” Isak pressed.

Even shrugged, “About a week ago.”

“A week!?” Isak shrieked.

“Yeah, Isak. A week,” he took another bite.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Isak asked. Jakob and Jonas looked at him nervously, “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I don’t know,” Even answered Isak. “It didn’t seem important.” Isak stopped breathing for a second, remembering how he told Even the exact same thing in the kitchen almost ten months earlier.

“What the hell?” Isak fumed.

“Uhh, Isak?” Jonas was more than confused.

“You’re kidding right?” Isak asked, ignoring Jonas.

Even shook his head, eating more potatoes, “Dead serious.”

“Jonas?” Jakob interjected, “I need help picking oranges. Join me?” he pleaded with his eyes. Isak could tell he just wanted to get out of the kitchen and far from the house pronto. Isak was too angry to be embarrassed.

“Yep!” Jonas stood up quickly, following Jakob out the door, “Sounds good.”

When the door shut, Isak was still silently freaking out across the table as Even calmly ate his potatoes. “You’re seriously going to just keep eating potatoes right now, Even?”

Even set his fork down, leaning back in his chair, “What?”

Isak stood, “What?” he repeated back, “What?”

“When were you going to tell me about Sonja?” he grabbed his plate with Jonas’ and Jakob’s and started rinsing them in the sink.

“I don’t know,” Even replied. Isak wasn’t facing him, but he could practically feel his shrug. “Why do you even care? I don’t get why you’re mad.”

Isak turned around quickly, “Are you serious? You think I don’t care?” he was shouting now. He pointed up at the ceiling, “You just called me your best friend up there and you didn’t even tell me you broke up with Sonja?! Of course I’m mad! I care! I care too much, Even!”

“Why?” Even spoke levelly, standing from his chair. “Why do you care about me, Isak? Don’t tell me it’s because I’m your best friend. Why do you care?”

“Because,” Isak stuttered, “Because, Even, because you know I do. I always have!”

“Isak,” Even sighed, taking a step towards him.

“No, Even. Don’t,” Isak pleaded, he couldn’t take it. He held up his hand, just hoping this argument would stop.

“Stop telling me that!” Even cried back, finally losing his cool.

He walked toward Isak anyway until his chest was pressed against Isak’s hand. “Don’t you understand?” Isak whispered, his eyes watering, “I can’t be your best friend,” he pushed Even’s hand away. “Not when it hurts this much to be near you,” he left the kitchen, bounding up the stairs and shutting his bedroom door behind him.

Isak had about thirty seconds to himself to let the tears fall before the door opened and he whipped around to see Even suddenly crowding his space. “What do you want?” Isak spoke shakily as the back of his knees hit the bed.

Even grabbed his face with both hands, “I want you.” He pressed his soft pink lips against Isak’s and Isak wanted to cry. Even pulled away a moment later, still cradling Isak’s cheeks in his hands. “Don’t you get it, I want _you_. Tell me you don’t want me, too,” he challenged.

Isak lifted his hands to wrap around Even’s wrists, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Even’s. He was breathing heavily, his face warm and red from the shouting and the close proximity to Even. He blinked rapidly. “Isak?” Even asked, kissing Isak’s cheek. Isak’s stomach twisted with something he’d only barely felt before a few times in his life. Even’s hands were on him. Even’s lips had just been on his.

Isak finally found his voice, “Kiss me. Kiss me, Even.”

Even leaned forward again and this time Isak was ready for it, kissing him back with a fervor and grasping his fingers in Even’s hair. Isak couldn't believe he'd gone this long without feeling this way. Even’s hands fell down to Isak’s hips as he lifted him back on the bed. Even’s lips were so soft, softer than Isak could ever have imagined. They weren’t chapped for what seemed like the first time in Even’s life, but Isak wouldn’t have minded if they were.

On his back, Isak was pinned down by Even’s weight, but that didn’t stop him from wrapping his arms around Even’s neck and pulling him closer as he mouthed at his lips, losing himself in the way Even’s hands felt on his hips and his lips felt on his. Even’s tongue teased Isak’s top lip and he readily let it slip inside his mouth, moaning at the intrusion.

Even lifted up, removing his lips and removing his hands from Isak’s hips and holding himself up with his arms on either side of Isak’s face, "You taste like cardamom." When Isak opened his eyes, Even was smiling down at him, “You taste so sweet," he traced a finger over Isak's cupid's bow. "You’re so beautiful, Isak,” he caressed his cheek with his knuckles.

Isak’s chest was heaving with desire and emotion, all of it pooling in his gut. He whispered back, “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“Me, too,” Even told him, leaning down closer. He kissed him chastely until he slipped him a little more tongue.

Isak pushed him back, his mind catching up with his body, “Even, wait,” he sat up on his elbows, nearly bumping Even’s head with his own. “Is this wrong?” he asked quietly, his thumb swiping gently across Even’s forearm.

Even shook his head gently, “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“In school,” Isak spoke, “Miss Lisbeth never taught us about this in school.”

Even brushed Isak’s hair out of his eyes, “They didn’t teach us a lot of things at Nissen.”  

Isak nodded quickly, understanding what Even was implying. He grabbed at Even’s lower back, pulling him back down and meeting him with a hungry kiss. Even moved his hips down against Isak’s as their tongues played back and forth. Isak broke away a few times to catch his breath, but then his lips were back on his in less than a second. Kissing Even was like learning to breathe under water and Isak never wanted to come back up.

He moaned as Even’s ground his hips down, both of them hard and straining in their jeans. Isak slipped his hands under Even’s shirt, fingers scraping up his back as he pulled the fabric upward. Even lifted up and Isak scooted farther back onto the bed until his head hit the pillows. Even tore the shirt from his body and then was back on Isak’s helping him lift his shirt off as he kissed him. He only broke apart when he pulled the shirt over his head.

Isak held onto Even’s shoulders as he kissed down his jaw and began sucking lightly on Isak’s neck. “Even,” Isak panted.

“I know,” Even spoke against his skin, “I know.” He kept moving downward, leaving bruising marks and soft kisses all over chest and stomach.

Isak gripped Even’s hair tightly as Even kissed below his belly button. He arched his back, lifting his hips involuntarily. “I wanna try something,” Even whispered against his skin as he unbuttoned Isak’s jeans and pulled down the zipper. He looked up at Isak as he curled his fingers inside the waistband of his jeans, “Can I try something?”

Isak nodded, sitting up on his elbows and licking his lips, “Yes.”

Even pulled the jeans down Isak’s legs, throwing them on the floor with their shirts. Even’s palm cupped him through his boxers and Isak gasped. “I’m gonna make you feel good,” Even told him. He slowly slid down Isak’s boxers and wrapped a hand around Isak.

“Ahhh,” Isak sighed, his head falling backward. He gasped when he felt Even’s lips around him. It felt electric.

Then Even began to suck and Isak’s world exploded. He sat up higher to wrap an encouraging hand around Even’s neck. Even lifted his mouth with a pop, “You okay?” he asked, breathing heavily against Isak’s erection.

“Feels so good,” Isak nodded. Even smiled, returning to his ministrations. He licked up the underside and took Isak deep, causing his breath to catch in his throat. Isak’s fingers curled up into his hair and tugged gently. Even moaned around him and suddenly Isak knew he wasn’t going to make it much longer. “Even, Even, I’m gonna,” he warned.

Even pulled off and stroke Isak a few times diligently, helping him get there until Isak was spilling all over his stomach. When he came down from his high, he collapsed back on the sheets, chest heaving. Even kissed his tip lightly and Isak twitched from the sensitivity. He crawled slowly up Isak’s body, licking off his abdomen until it was clean again.

When he reached Isak’s collarbone, Isak pulled him up to kiss Even’s swollen lips. He could taste himself and it set off something inside him. He reached down to fumble with Even’s zipper.

Even stood up from the bed to take off his jeans and boxers quickly and Isak followed, standing up and kicking his boxers to the side. He pushed Even to sit back down on the edge of the bed and kneeled between his legs. Isak gripped Even at the base and leaned forward to give a tentative kiss to his red tip, “Oh, Isak,” Even moaned breathily.

Isak could tell Even was close so he went at it, all his nerves dissipating into pleasure as he took him in his mouth, swallowing him down farther than he could manage and quickly pulling off to gasp, “Sorry,” he panted.

Even cupped his cheek and tucked hair behind his ear, “It’s okay.”

Isak nodded, diving back in but this time not pushing himself too far. He relaxed his throat and found a steady rhythm as he worked what he couldn’t fit of Even in his mouth. “You’re so good at that,” Even whimpered. “I’m so close. Isak,” he tapped his shoulder, “Isak, I’m close.”

Isak wasn’t about to stop. He pulled up, his lips wrapped tight around Even’s head and his tongue lapping over his slit until Even’s hips were bucking and he was moaning Isak’s name as he spilled down his throat. Isak milked him for everything he had until Even winced at the overstimulation.

When he was finished, he climbed back on the bed, slipping under the covers with Even. “Whoa,” Even whispered.

“Whoa,” Isak agreed.

Even pulled him in close, kissing him passionately and roaming his hands all over Isak’s side and hip. Isak hitched a leg over Even’s and Even held him close by gripping the junction of Isak’s ass and thigh. Isak leaned up, finding Even’s other hand and lacing his fingers with his. He kissed each knuckle, “I love your hands. I’ve always loved your hands,” he admitted.

“I love your everything,” Even replied. “Everything,” he smiled.

Isak collapsed against Even’s chest, nearly mirroring the way he’d woken up just a couple weeks ago. “Can’t I just stay in here with you forever?” Even asked, kissing his hair and running a warm hand over Isak’s back.

“We can do that,” Isak lied.

They both knew they weren’t being honest with each other, with themselves. But Isak told himself that with whatever time they had left at the Cottages, well – they would make it feel like forever. He drifted to sleep from the exhaustion, smiling at the thought.

 

 

 

When he woke up, hands were shaking him violently, “Isak, wake up!” a voice shouted.

Isak was disoriented, reaching around for Even but he wasn’t there. “Isak!” Emma shouted.

The light was fading in his room, a cool dark blue settling through the curtains across his window. “Emma?” he rubbed his tired eyes, “Emma? What’s going on? What time is it?” He must have slept all day. 

Her eyes were huge and when she shook his shoulders he was suddenly brought back to lucidity. The worry in her eyes woke him up instantly. “Even’s taken the van. Isak! Even’s stolen the van! He’s gone! He's completely lost it!”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I had to end this chapter because it was becoming too much.  
> Hopefully, the next chapter will be up soon. 
> 
> This diverges quite a lot from Ishiguro's book, but I felt the need to write it this way in order to properly write in Even's bipolar. Even's bipolar will be the focus of the next chapter. 
> 
> Warnings for: mature sexual content, brief allusions to hypomania


	9. What have I done to you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my eyes literally hurt from crying so I didn't proofread this, naturally.  
> let me know if anything's confusing since this is likely littered with typos.

 

 

 

_April 1986 cont'd._

“Emma!” Isak held her face, trying to calm her, “What do you mean he’s gone?”

She shook her head, “It’s my fault. I just left the key on the counter.”

Isak was sitting up in his bed, naked, barely covered by his blankets trying to figure out what the hell was going on, “Emma, please, just tell me exactly what happened.”

Emma nodded, willing her hands to stop shaking, “We came back and went in the kitchen because we were hungry. And I set the key down there even though it’s supposed to go in the key cupboard.”

Isak knew what she was talking about. There was a small cupboard in the hallway with a sensor like the one by the front door. Only those who had been approved to drive could make it open.

“And Jakob and Jonas were in the common room, watching _Jaws_ , and we went in there to join them and I just left the key right there, I didn’t think anything of it. It’s all my fault,” she was shaking and Isak thought she was about to cry.

“It’s not your fault,” he assured her. “Where’s Sonja?”

She nodded, trying to collect herself, “She’s hiding in her room. We didn’t even notice until Jonas heard the car start. We didn’t realize until he was driving off.”

“Emma, where’s Jonas?” Isak asked, leaning over to grab his boxers from the floor. It only took him a second to process that Even’s clothes were still scattered on the floor with his own.

“Since when do you sleep naked, Isak?” she asked, distracted.

“I don’t,” he answered, pulling on the underwear under the sheets. “Focus, Emma. Where’s Jonas?” he stood up from the bed, shimmying on his pants and pulling on a sweatshirt.

“He’s across the way, talking to Peter,” she answered, staring at the floor at the clothes. “Isak?” Emma was smart. She would figure out what happened if Isak didn't get her out of his room soon.

Isak jogged his memory. He knew he’d seen Peter driving the green van before. He can put two and two together. He knows Jonas will go after Even and Isak will be damned if he does without him. “Come on,” he gathered Even’s clothes, pulled one of the blankets from his bed and lead her out of the room. As they pulled on their shoes at the bottom of the steps, Isak asked, “When did he leave, Emma?”

“What?” she asked, her mind not quite catching up with her body as she ties her shoes.

“Even,” he nearly shouts, “When did he leave? How long ago?”

“I don’t know,” she shakes her head. “I think five or ten minutes.”

The road that leads to the Cottages is long and winding. It doesn’t allow for high speed through its twists and curves. It’s about twenty kilometers before the first divergence of roads. They could still catch Even. “We’re going to get him. He’s going to be okay,” he assured her, “But we need your help. Either your head’s here with us or you’re staying here.”

Outside, Jonas was talking with Peter over at the near house. As Emma and Isak walked closer, Isak could begin to hear what they were talking about. “I don’t think that’s necessary, Peter,” Jonas argued.

“If someone unauthorized to drive steals a van, I think Doc should know about it,” Peter said almost condescendingly.

“No!” Isak interjected. “Let us take care of it,” he reasoned, “Let us bring him back. There’s no need to call Doc!”

Peter eyed him carefully before disappearing back in the house. When he returned at the door, he held the keys to the green van out to Jonas.

Jonas grabbed for them, but Peter jerked them away, “If it’s not back in two hours, I’m calling Doc.”

“Got it!” Jonas shouted. The three of them ran for the van, hopping in and driving off as they were fastening their seatbelts.

“He couldn’t have gotten far,” Isak told Jonas from the passenger seat. “As soon as you see the red van, honk, okay?” He was talking fast now, “Honk and pull up right next to him, on his left, and I’ll get him to stop, alright?”

“Isak, Isak,” Jonas clapped a hand on his shoulder, “Calm down, we’ll get him. I promise.”

Isak nodded, letting himself breathe for a moment and closing his eyes, clutching Even’s clothes close to his chest.

Emma broke the tense silence, “What’s wrong with him?”

“There’s nothing wrong with him,” Isak replied, sounding defensive.

“You know she didn’t mean it like that,” Jonas interjected.

“I know. I’m sorry, Emma.”

“It’s okay,” she whispered from the back seat.

“But really,” Jonas prodded, “What’s going on?”

Isak shook his head, “I don’t know. Can you go any faster?”

“Not without flipping this thing,” Jonas scoffed. “These aren’t racecars.”

“Feels like a race,” Emma added.

“We have to get to him quickly, Jonas,” Isak urged.

Jonas slammed on the brakes, turning to look between Isak and Emma.

“Don’t stop!” Isak yelled at the same time Emma shouted, “What are you doing?”

“Okay!” Jonas roared. “Both of you need to shut up! I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t want Even to lose his shit and drive off. I just want to freaking watch _Jaws_ and forget about how shitty everything is. _I_ don’t have to be saving his ass right now, but here I am. I’m doing my best,” he threw the car back into drive and took off again, “If either of you says anything remotely unhelpful, I’m pulling over and not driving on until you’re out of this damn van, got it?”

“Yeah,” Isak murmured.

“It’s fine,” Jonas sighed, gaining speed. “Just don’t think I’ve forgotten how to care just because Eva’s gone.”

“Of course not,” Emma apologized.

“We’re sorry,” Isak added.

Jonas shrugged, “Did you two shag up yet or what?”

“Us!? No!” Emma shouted.

“Not you two,” Jonas shook his head, his brows tangled with his brown curly locks. “You and Even,” he turned to Isak.

“What?” Isak and Emma asked at the same time. How did Jonas know?

“You think I didn’t see what he did to you in the van last month? On the trip to Lade?” Jonas asked, not believing Isak’s surprise.

“What did he do to you, Isak?” Emma asked, concerned.

“Nothing!” Isak lied.

“Isak, plenty of people are gay. Weren’t there any gay couples at Nissen?” Jonas asked innocently.

“What?” Isak didn’t understand.

“ _Gay_ ,” Jonas annunciated slowly, his eyebrows raised to the hilt. “You know, girls with girls and guys with guys?”

“They taught us that was a myth at Grefsen,” Emma interrupted.

“They didn’t teach us anything!” Isak yelled.

“Are you kidding me?” Jonas asked. “Isak, you don’t know what ‘gay’ is?”

Isak shook his head, “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“Holy shit,” Jonas muttered, “Those assholes, playing God like they know everything. Of course they didn’t tell you. People are dying ‘cause of it.”

“What?” Emma shrieked.

“You know? AIDS?” Jonas looked at her through the rearview mirror.

“The hell?” Isak asked.

“Well, they’re not dying _because_ they’re gay. Men who love men aren’t dying because they love men. But they’re _not getting better_ because they love men,” Jonas explained.

_Why didn’t they teach us any of this shit at Nissen?_

Jonas just glanced at Isak’s confused face, “No wonder Elvebakken’s shutting down. Guardians there tell the students too much. They’re not controlling enough for the National Donor Program’s liking.”

“Jonas, stop,” Emma spoke.

“Sorry, I’m not trying to upset you guys. I just don’t believe this shit,” Jonas shook his head.

“No, Jonas, stop the van!” she shouted, hitting him on the shoulder, “Look!”                             

“Even,” Isak whimpered.

The red van had been driven off the road into the ditch. The driver door was wide open and the car was off. Isak knew they only had about fifteen minutes of daylight left. He hoped Even hadn’t gone far.

“Shit,” Jonas muttered, pulling the cark into park a few meters behind the red van. Isak lost track of how many times he’d said it.

Isak unbuckled his seatbelt quickly and tore himself from the car, bounding towards the van. He held the blanket close to him, figuring he would find a naked Even soon enough. The van was completely empty, the key on the front seat.

“I think it ran out of gas,” Emma considered, “I think there’s some in a tank in the back.” She disappeared behind the van to add some to the vehicle’s tank.

Isak looked out into the field of tall grass, “Even!” he shouted. “EVEN!”

Jonas was shouting for him, too, now, on the opposite side of the road. Minutes passed of the two of them shouting his name until Emma joined to shout, “Over there!”

That’s when Isak saw Even stumbling, lanky frame falling over in the tall grass about thirty meters away from him. “Even,” Isak’s heart leaped.

He ran towards him, collapsing on his knees as soon as he reached him and wrapping the blanket around his pale, trembling body. “Even, what were you thinking?” Isak was crying, lifting him up from the ground and hugging the blanket around him. “What were you thinking?” he implored.

“I just wanted to go back to Nissen,” Even shook. “I was going to tell Miss Lisbeth about us. I was going to tell her how much I love you.”

Tears were falling from Even’s eyes now, too. Isak brushed them away with his palm, “Oh, Even.”

“We need deferrals, Isak. We need more time,” he cried.

“Come on,” Isak pulled Even back toward the road, “Come on back. You need to rest.”

“I’m sorry, Isak,” Even’s head fell low and Isak guided him with his arms. Jonas joined them and helped carry Even back toward the green van.

“I’ll drive this one back,” Emma decided, getting in the red van.

“Yeah,” Jonas nodded, “Yeah, okay.”

Isak grabbed Even’s clothes from the passenger seat. “Here,” he took the blanket from Even’s shivering shoulders. “Let me help you get dressed.”

Even was silent as Isak helped him get his clothes on, his body still shivering. Isak pulled his sweatshirt over his head, revealing his bare upper half, and helping Even slide his arms into it. Together they settled it over Even’s torso and then they climbed into the back of the green van.

Isak pulled the blanket around the two of them, holding Even tight to his chest and placing kisses in his hair. “I’m sorry, Isak,” Even whispered, gripping his arms tight around Isak.

“Shh,” Isak rocked him. “Don’t be sad. It’s going to be okay.”

Isak could feel Jonas' eyes on them through the rearview mirror, but it was a comfort. 

By the time they reached the Cottages, Even had stopped shivering. It pained Isak to have to make him get out of the van into the chilled night air. “Come on, almost there,” Isak walked him into the house. He kicked off his shoes and they held their wrists to the sensor. Isak held Even’s hand as he walked up the stairs, urging Even to follow.

Isak convinced Even to take a shower to warm him up, turning on the water and setting out a towel for him. Isak closed the bathroom door softly behind him and was met with Sonja standing in her doorway, her eyes red and glassy from crying. “Is he okay?” she asked quietly.

He shook his head, “He stole the van completely naked. What you think, Sonja?”

“He hasn’t been himself lately,” she whispered, like maybe Even could hear them over the sounds of the shower.

“What do you mean?” he asked, angry with her.

“You know what I mean, Isak,” she glared back at him. “I heard you shouting at Peter from my window.”

“Yeah, so?” Isak challenged, holding tightly onto the door knob behind him. He was still shirtless.

“So I think Peter’s right. I think we should call Doc,” she said flatly.

“Don’t,” Isak shut her down. “There’s nothing wrong with him.”

“You still believe that?” her eyes narrowed, “After all these years?”

Isak repeated himself, his fist clenching, “There’s nothing wrong with him, Sonja.”

“If you really cared about him, you’d listen to me,” she argued. Before Isak could respond Sonja was closing herself off in her room again with a loud slam of her door.

Isak was angry as he walked into his room, pacing until he decided to put a shirt on. He ventured into Even’s room, cleaning up the place. Even had half-finished drawings of strange animals and patterns strewn across his room. There were clothes everywhere and the bed was unmade, the sheets piling on the floor at the foot of his bed. Isak tucked the drawings away carefully and pulled the sheets back up to make the bed.

He’s too distracted busying himself with the cleaning up and thinking about how angry he is at Sonja that at first, he didn’t notice Even standing in the doorway, his hair wild and wet, the towel hung lazily around his hips. “You didn’t have to do that,” Even whispered.

It startled Isak, making him jump, “You scared the shit outta me!”

Even doesn’t react, just hangs his head, loose strands of hair dripping wet, “I know. I’m sorry.”

Isak had only meant just know by Even not announcing his presence, but he could tell Even’s thinking about his reckless auto theft. “Hey,” Isak walks over to him, cupping both of Even’s cheeks and pulling him into the safe space of his bedroom, “I was just worried about you.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Even repeated, resting his forehead against Isak’s. The wet locks tickled.

Isak kissed his shiny lips, “Stop apologizing, alright? You just need some sleep, okay?”

“Okay,” Even nodded.

When Even dropped the towel and began getting dressed, Isak turned away to give him privacy. He left the room and gather Even’s clothes from the bathroom floor. He brought them back in Even’s room and dropped them in the laundry basket. Even was moving the towel through his hair, trying to dry it before he crawled under the sheets. Isak shut the light and turned to leave, not sure if Even wanted him there or not.

“Wait,” Even called out from the bed. “Don’t go.”

Isak stepped back inside the room, shutting the door behind him.

“Sleep with me?” Even asked, his voice so quiet it was barely audible.

“Okay,” Isak nodded. He slipped off his jeans and crawled into bed next to him. Before Isak was even settled, Even was leaning over top of him, laying his head on Isak’s shoulder and hugging Isak tightly around his torso. Isak tangled his fingers in Even’s hair and rubbed his back with an open palm. It didn’t take much for Even’s eyes to flutter closed and his chest to steadily rise and fall against Isak’s side.

Isak couldn’t sleep though. Too many thoughts raced through his head. When he was sure Even was asleep, Isak quietly whispered in the dark, “Gay.”

It was both a relief and terrifying to have a word for it. He couldn’t decide whether it was more terror or relief, but with Even in his arms, and sleeping soundly on his chest, he leaned toward relief. Eventually he drifted to sleep.

 

When Isak woke up, Even had turned over and was curled on his side, his back flush against Isak’s side. The curtains hadn’t been shut in the bedroom and light flooded in right in his eyes. Even had pulled the blankets up over his head in what Isak figured was an attempt to block out the sun.

Isak curled around him, pulling the sheets down to kiss at Even’s neck, “Good morning.” Even just pulled the sheets back over his head. “Even?” Isak asked hesitantly.

“Too bright,” Even murmured.

Isak looked over at the window, “Do you have a headache?”

Even didn’t say anything for a while, just held the blankets tight over his eyes. “Yeah,” he finally muttered.

Isak stood up from the bed to shut the curtains. “I’ll be right back,” Isak told him before slipping out the door. He used the bathroom and quickly brushed his teeth before heading downstairs to fill a glass of water. He miraculously made it back up the stairs and into Even’s room without running into anyone.

He sat on the edge of the bed, close to Even, “I brought you some water,” Isak said quietly. Even didn’t move. “I closed the blinds, you can stop that,” Isak urged, lightly pulling at the sheets. When Even’s hands wouldn’t budge, Isak set the glass on the side table. “Even?”

“Not thirsty,” Even mumbled under the sheets.

“Are you hungry?” Isak asked carefully. “I can make you some eggs if you want? Or I can find Jakob and ask him to make potatoes again.”

“No,” Even spoke softly.

Isak looked over at the clock on the wall, settling his eyes on the arms. Even had fallen asleep the night before around 20:00 and it was now 14:52. “You’ve been sleeping for almost nineteen hours, Even. Don’t you think you should get up or have some food?”

Even shifted slightly, only burrowing further into the bed, “Not hungry.”

Isak pushed the sheets down and Even winced and flinched at the touch, expecting bright light. Isak rested his palm and the back of his hand against Even’s forehead. He was warm, but not too warm. The heat was probably just from being bundled up in bed for so long, “You don’t feel like you have a fever. I don’t think you’re sick,” Isak assured him, sliding his hand down to squeeze Even’s shoulder.

“Just tired,” Even rolled over, shrugging Isak’s hand off in the process. Isak felt stupid for being bothered by it.

“How can you be tired? You just slept for nineteen hours,” Isak reminded him.

Even wet his lips, his eyelids fluttering with what Isak could only call exhaustion, “I’m just tired, Isak.”

Isak sat still on the bed for a while, listening to the soft sounds of air entering and leaving Even’s nose. “Can I lie with you?” he asked timidly, afraid to touch Even.

Even nodded almost imperceptibly so Isak moved to the other side of the bed, lying down next to Even and softly moving his fingers through Even’s hair. Isak was relieve that Even didn’t flinch. Isak leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to Even’s cheek, shuffling closer until their noses touched. Even sighed and tickled Isak’s cheeks with the flutter of his eyelashes. Isak slid his arm over Even’s shoulder rubbing soothing circles into his back like he’d done the night before.

Every five minutes or so, Isak looked at the clock behind Even’s head. He wasn’t quite sure what time they checked in at the sensor downstairs last night, but if Even didn’t check in at the sensor downstairs by 19:30, the authorities would be alerted. Isak thought about the sleepless nights he spent at Nissen when Even wasn’t sleeping next to him. He worried they might take him away to be monitored again. He was worried they might find out about the van incident.

Around 16:00, Isak’s stomach growled. He tried again, gently waking Even and running a thumb over his brow, “Even?” he spoke. “Can you hear me?”

Even’s eyelids twitched, “What do you say we go eat something, huh?”

“Not hungry,” Even mumbled, pulling the sheets tighter around him.

“Even,” the way Isak said his name sounded pained. “We haven’t eaten since yesterday morning,” he urged.

“I said I’m not hungry,” Even said more clearly now though his voice cracked, turning his face more firmly into the pillow.

Isak’s eyes narrowed on the untouched water glass. He needed help. He couldn’t get Even to eat or drink. When he stood up from the bed and opened the door, he hoped Even would call after him, sit up, ask him to stay. Instead Even just pulled the sheets up to block out the light Isak was letting in.

Isak walked quickly down the stairs to find Lea and Emma cooking in the kitchen. Jakob was sitting at the table, having just said something that had Emma and Lea cracking up. Jakob noticed him first.

“You look like shit, man,” he observed.

Emma dropped her ladle, “Isak,” the smile immediately left her face.

“He won’t get up,” he spoke, not looking at any of them. “He won’t eat and he won’t drink and he won’t get up.”

Jakob stood up silently, walking up the stairs.

“Has he said anything?” Lea asked, “Is he feeling okay?”

Isak shook his head, “He’s not sick. He just keeps saying he’s tired. I don’t know what to do,” Isak heard his voice crack, a signal that he was about to break.

Emma was to him quick, wrapping her arms around him and not letting go until he hugged her back. “Lea, can you handle dinner?” she asked her.

“Yeah, sure. Do what you gotta do,” she assured them.

Isak checked in at the sensor and then the two of them back up the stairs, Isak’s steps slow and heavy. Jakob was sitting cross-legged on Even’s bed. He’d left the door cracked open. He had leaned down, his face close to Even’s. Isak and Emma watched and listened from the doorway, “I can teach you to make key lime pie.”

Jakob placed an assuring hand on Even’s shoulder, “It’s really easy and it’s so good. Jonas has been asking me to teach him, but I’ve refused. I can teach you though.” He smiled, hoping the prospect would get him up.

“Or if you don’t like key lime. We can make rhubarb,” Jakob offered. “Isak just harvested a bunch of rhubarb, didn’t you, Isak?”

“Yeah, I did,” Isak agrees, stepping into the room.

“Or I know a great brownie recipe. Extra chocolatey. I know chocolate’s your weakness,” Jakob teased lightly.

Even groaned, lifting the covers higher.

“What about a walk, huh? Some fresh air? Isak and Emma know all the best trails. Hell, Isak’s even made some of his own trails,” Jakob suggested.

It comes out quietly, so quiet Isak can’t hear any of the bite, only the pain, “Go away.”

“Even?” Jakob asks.

“Please, just go away,” Even pleads, rolling over.

It took Jakob a minute, but he finally got up from the bed and walked out the room. Emma and Isak followed. He paced in the hallway, nervously, biting his lip. “When was the last time he checked in, Isak?” Jakob asked.

“Last night, right when we came in,” he answered.

Jakob nodded and didn’t stop nodding, “Okay,” he decided, “If he isn’t up by 19:00, we’re dragging his ass downstairs – you, me, and Jonas.”

Isak didn’t know what to say so Jakob just shook his head with his eyes wide, “Okay?”

“Yeah,” Isak nodded, “Yeah, okay.”

Emma followed Jakob back downstairs to help Lea with dinner and Isak composed himself in the hallway. He opened the door slightly, knocking lightly, “Even?”

Even said nothing. He didn’t tell Isak to go away like he told Jakob, so Isak took that as reason enough to shut the door softly behind him as he walked in. “Do you want to be alone?” he asked. Even had asked Isak the same question so many times before, but Isak had never reciprocated, until then.

Even shifted from the center of the bed, turning on his side, “No. Only you,” he replied. Isak climbed into bed behind him, wrapping his arms tight around his torso. He knees tucked in the behind Even’s. He engulfed him in his body heat and kissed his neck carefully. Even sighed and Isak could feel his back heave against Isak’s chest with the labor of his breath. Isak wanted to cry, knowing that it took all of Even’s energy just to breathe.

Isak held him close, burying his nose in Even’s neck. He tried to pour all of his love for him in his embrace.

It must have been the warmth of the bed mixed with the quiet of the room and the hunger of Isak’s stomach that lulled him to sleep. He was woken up by hands shaking his shoulders, pulling him away from Even. Even groaned.

“Come on, Isak,” Jakob instructed. “We’ve got like fifteen minutes to get him downstairs.” That woke up Isak completely. He thought he’d only been out for a few minutes, but it had already been hours. He stood up quickly and it was much too quickly. He felt a head rush and his eyes roll in the back of his head as he went down, falling with a thud on Even’s floor.

Jonas was slapping his face, “Isak. Isak, are you here with me?” He pulled him gently up by his shoulders, “Come on, up you go.”

“Even,” was the first thing Isak said.

“No, I’m Jonas and you’re dehydrated,” Jonas scolded him. “When was the last time you ate, man?”

Isak shrugged, “Yesterday. Breakfast.”

“Hell. Get up, come on, I’ve got you,” Jonas picked him up from the floor.

“Where’s Even?” Isak asked blearily.

Jonas sighed, holding Isak up with his arms, “He’s downstairs, on the couch. Jakob and I had to practically drag him to the front door. He’s a real piece of work, you know that? You sure know how to pick ‘em.”

Isak expected Jonas to drag him downstairs, too, but instead he pulled him into Isak’s room. “But Even?” Isak protested.

“Here, lie down,” he instructed him. “You’re not seeing him until you eat and drink some water.”

Jonas disappeared and came back with the water from Even’s room, “Drink up. I’ll get you dinner. I’ll be right back.”

Isak drank from the glass and his throat felt like paper, dry and unused. It nearly hurt to swallow but he didn’t realize his thirst until just then. He downed the water in seven paced gulps. He leaned back on the pillows, setting the glass on the table.

“Open your eyes, dude,” Jonas ordered. “I swear, if you start skipping meals again, I’m gonna skin you. Plenty of people out there can’t eat square meals every day. That’s the only goddamn good thing about our situation and you’re gonna take full advantage of it, you hear me?”

“Yes, okay!” Isak shouted, “Stop talking so loud.”

“You ever wonder what a hangover feels like, Isak?” Jonas said quieter now.

“No, not really.”

“Well, it feels like this. _This_ is what happens when you don’t eat or drink for thirty-six hours! And when people get drunk and don’t rehydrate, their brain literally thinks they’re dying. Sucks doesn’t it? You’re not gonna skip meals anymore, never again, dude.”

“Yes! I heard you the first time,” Isak whines.

“Here, eat your soup,” Jonas muttered.

“Why do you know so much about this stuff anyway?” Isak said before lifting the spoon to his mouth.

Jonas sighed, “I wanted to be a carer, remember? I was going to be a good one, too.”

Isak swallowed thickly. “Shouldn’t carers be nicer?”

“Yeah,” Jonas laughed, “Because that’s exactly what someone on the brink of completion wants, a condescending optimist, all smug with all their organs still.”

“Okay, fair,” Isak laughed.

Jonas just sat at the other end of the bed, folding his arms, “Eat your soup, asshole.”

Isak complies, nodding and smiling softly. The soup is good. It’s lentil, Isak’s favorite. “Lea and Emma really outdid themselves, huh?” Jonas asks.

Isak just moans around the spoon, a small, “Mhm,” escaping his throat.

Jonas sat there silently and watched Isak eat his soup, making sure he’d finished it. When Isak did, he leaned forward to hand Jonas the empty bowl. Jonas took it, but he didn’t leave as Isak expected. “Can I ask you something?” Jonas asked.

Isak shrugged, “Sure.”

“When did you know?”

“Know what?”

Jonas specified, “That you were gay.”

“Oh,” Isak stuttered, “Well, I, uhh, I didn’t really know what to call it until yesterday.”

Jonas nodded, “Sure, sure. But, when did you realize you were attracted to guys?”

Isak thought about it, “I don’t think it happened that way. Or at least, I don’t know. We were taught about boys being with girls, so I kept telling myself that was how it was supposed to be. And I tried, I kissed girls, well, one girl. And it didn’t feel right.”

“You don’t remember liking girls at all?” Jonas asked.

Isak shook his head, “I only remember loving Even.”

Jonas smiled, “So did you try kissing a boy then, at Nissen?” Jonas asked.

“No! Are you kidding me!? I was too scared. I thought I was weird for feeling what I did,” Isak answered. “Would you have?”

Jonas shrugged, “I did.”

“You did what?” Isak was confused.

“I tried kissing a boy,” Jonas said flatly.

“You did?” Isak wasn’t expecting that.

“Well sure,” Jonas nodded, “I was figuring things out. Well, I figured it out pretty quickly that I just like girls. It wasn’t bad or anything, just you know, I didn't feel like I did when I was kissing Eva.”

“Oh,” Isak nodded. He was pretty amazed with how open Jonas was about this.

“The point is, Isak, I’m trying to tell you that it’s okay if you like guys and if you’re with guys. I know your guardians didn’t tell you that at Nissen. I’m beginning to think only guardians at Elvebakken did,” Jonas explained. “I just remember from the very beginning them telling us it was okay. That was really important to them. Doctor Skrulle even taught us, you know, how everything works between guys and between girls,” Jonas eyed him.

“Works?” Isak was confused.

“Sex, Isak.”

“Oh, right, right,” he nodded quickly.

“I’m just saying. I don’t know how much you know or want to know, but if you do, just know you can ask me anything, okay?”

Isak nodded again, “Yeah, thanks, Jonas. Maybe some other time?”

Jonas nodded in return, "Yeah, I wouldn't really be in the mood right now either."

“Actually,” Isak started.

“Yeah?” Jonas looked confused. 

“I do have a question, but not about _that_ exactly." 

"Okay, go ahead."

"Did they teach you about people who like both?” he asked.

“You mean people like Even?”

Isak confirmed with a nod.

“They didn’t actually.” Before Isak’s face could fall, Jonas followed up with, “But I’m sure Even’s not alone.”

Isak didn’t realize those were the exact words he needed to hear, but they were. He wiped his eyes as he whispered a “thanks.”

He smiled and patted Isak’s ankle. Jonas stood up to leave the room, bowl in hand. Just before he left, Isak stopped him, “Hey Jonas?”

“Yeah?” he turned around.

“You would have been the best carer,” Isak told him and he meant it. It was the truth.

He could tell it made a great deal to Jonas and Isak felt proud to know he could show Jonas there were still people who needed and wanted his care at the Cottages even while Eva was gone.

“Thanks, Isak,” he murmured before shutting the door softly.

 

 

 

_May 1986_

Taking care of Even became more of a task for the house than Isak expected. It was a pain to get him to drink, even worse to get him to eat. He only got up to reluctantly use the bathroom, sometimes not even bothering to shut the door. Every night he trudged up the stairs and holed himself up in his room and every evening, Jonas, Isak, and Jakob coaxed him out of bed to check in at the sensor downstairs. Every night he slept in Isak’s arms. Every night he became less and less responsive to Isak’s touch and Isak’s words.

It went on for sixteen days and Even didn’t seem to be getting better. If anything, it took them longer to get him downstairs. A few times Jakob had suggested that he sleep on the couch, but it was in those moments Even used all of his saved-up energy to climb back up the stairs and collapse in his own bed.

One night as they were approaching their deadline, Jakob, Jonas and Isak tried everything they could. Even actually fought them, refusing to leave the dark, warm comfort of his room. “Please,” Even cried, “Just let me lie here. Just let me be,” he begged.

That pissed off Jakob to no end and he left the room in a whirl, “Fine! Get your own ass out of bed!” Isak knew Jakob actually cared for Even, but he had met his breaking point.

“Jonas,” Isak begged.

Jonas sighed, sitting back on his haunches, “We can’t get him down there without Jakob. Not without probably hurting him. He’s in so much pain already.”

“He doesn’t even have any injuries,” Isak felt like he was crying, his vision was blurring.

“Isak,” Jonas muttered, “His are on the inside.” He said it as if Even wasn’t right there, listening to them. He said it as if the words didn't feel like a punch to the gut.

Isak was wiping the tears angrily as Jonas left the room to give them some space. Isak slid down the bed, facing Even, grabbing his face between his hands, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Even replied, closing his eyes.

“You gotta get up for me, Even,” Isak whispered.

“Isak-“ Even started.

Isak sniffled, “You can’t do this to me. You can’t let them take you from me. Not when I’ve waited this long to have you.”

Even lifted his heavy eyelids, “Look at you,” he said painfully, tears stingy his glassy eyes. “What have I done to you?” he asked, voice heavy with guilt. “I’m making you so sad.”

“I’m not sad,” Isak argued, tears still spilling from his eyes.

Even brought a hand to Isak’s wrist, gripping him as tightly as he could, “Maybe I should see the doctor.”

“You hate the doctor,” Isak objected. “They’re just gonna take you away. What if they never bring you back?” Isak was full on sobbing. “What if I never see you again?”

The tears welled up and Even let them fall, “It shouldn’t be like this,” Even argued, “This isn’t how I’m supposed to love you.”

“Even, please. Don’t say stuff like that,” Isak cried.

“You have to let me go, baby,” he squeezed his wrist again, “I’m just hurting you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“No, no,” Isak pleaded, sitting up. He was tugging on Even’s arm, “Don’t do this to me. Don’t you dare do this to me, Even!”

“Isak,” Even sighed, “Isak, Isak, stop!” He pulled him into his arms, back onto the bed. “Stop, baby, stop.” He kissed his forehead. “You’ve gotta stop, Isak.”

Isak couldn’t stop crying, but he’d stopped fighting. He clenched Even’s t-shirt and sobbed violently into his chest. Even carded his fingers through Isak’s hair and he was reminded of the day he said goodbye to Vilde. “Don’t let me go,” Isak begged. “Don’t leave me,” he cried. He could hardly breathe.

“Shh,” Even lulled him, “It’s gonna be okay,” he lied. It was the last time he’d tell Isak the best lie they knew.

 

 

In the end, Even didn’t make it downstairs that night. Isak didn’t know what he expected, sirens maybe or an alarm that would go off when Even missed the 24-hour deadline to check in. Instead there was nothing that night. It wasn’t until, still wrapped in Even’s arms, Isak heard the old phone ring downstairs from the common room. He couldn’t hear who was speaking on the phone, just a light hum of some human voice from down below. Later that afternoon the doctor arrived and Jakob had to nearly pry Isak from Even’s arms.

The doctor asked what at first seemed like routine questions that Jakob could answer easily. Then the questions became more specific. Questions about Even’s rages clear back to Nissen that only he and Sonja could answer. Sonja answered most of them, only looking to Isak for confirmation on a few of them.

And then it all happened very quickly. The doctor cleared his throat, “I believe Even is manic depressive. Or actually, they’ve started calling it _bipolar_.”

“What does that even mean?” Jonas shook his head, “I’ve never heard of either.”

“It means this,” the doctor gestured, “It means low lows and high highs, erratic behavior in the highs, complete shutdown in the lows. We in the science community still don’t understand it all.”

“Well, how do you know it’s this and not something else?” Jakob asked.

“Even’s original was diagnosed thirteen years ago,” the doctor answered.

“Thirteen years!” Sonja roared. “Thirteen years and you’ve all waited this long to tell him?”

“Now, young lady,” he sighed, “Please be calm.”

Sonja fumed, “What? What excuse do any of you have for keeping this from him?”

“We were never sure,” the doctor explained. “There’s been much debate as to whether bipolar is genetic since it’s often observed in families, however, it’s been difficult to discern how much of a factor environment has been. We’ve been studying Even for years now,” he continued. Isak thought of the many times Even was kept for observation. “Even does not experience mania in the same manner as his original, so for a while we were unconvinced. However, the signs are all here. With absolutely no contact with his original, this is great evidence for the genetics argument. This is actually an incredible moment for the Program’s research and the scientific community!”

“Are you celebrating?” Isak’s eyes narrowed on him. “Are you celebrating his affliction?”

“No, no. I’m just assuring you all that there’s always some good to the bad,” the doctor said as if that made his situation any better.

“He’s a person, Doc. He has a soul and a heart and a mind, and it may not be perfect, but he’s a good person, not some experiment,” Isak said angrily.

“None of us are experiments,” Jonas added.

The doctor shook his head, packing up his case. “I shouldn’t have expected any of you would have listened to me. You’re not designed to hear reason,” he muttered. “A team will be here in the morning to transport him for observation. He will be returned after observation unless in the event of emergency.”

“You mean in case his original starts to die,” Sonja spat.

“If that makes you feel better, than yes,” he nodded, “precisely.”

Sonja followed the doctor out the room, giving him a piece of her mind all the way to his small white car. The rest of them filed out of Even’s room, giving Isak’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, leaving only kind words for Even. Emma left last, shutting the door softly to give them privacy.

Isak lied down next to Even, brushing his hair out of his eyes. He leaned forward and kissed his chapped lips, his lips lingering close. Even sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Isak assured him, stroking his cheek with his thumb. “It’s not your fault.”

Even gave a soft chuckle and it startled Isak so much to hear the sound after all this time without it that he pulled back to look at Even carefully. Even smiled, “At least they’ll never take my brain.”

Isak pulled him in close and let Even cry into his neck.

"I'll never be able to escape my thoughts." 

 

 

Even held Isak’s hand all morning, refusing to leave his side until he was physically forced to. It was probably from lack of energy, but when two young people with kind eyes came to take him away, Even was complicit. Isak leaned through the open window of the car, holding onto Even’s neck and kissing him softly, “Come back to me.”

“I love you,” Even sighed, kissing him back.

Before Isak could reply, the car was driving off and Even was ripped from his grasp. He watched the car disappear behind the hill and walked through the house, straight to his bed until he collapsed and shut his eyes.

Emma knocked on the door later. How much later, Isak hardly knew. “You have mail, Isak,” she told him, handing him the letter and sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Thanks,” he croaked.

He didn’t recognize the sender’s name at first, but the address was the same as Vilde’s. Magnus F. had sent him a letter. He realized then that it was the name that appeared on the back of the picture Vilde had sent him last year. He’d been waiting for Vilde’s reply since the trip to Lade. He ripped open the envelope and pulled the letter out, straightening the paper to read it carefully.

Moments later, Isak’s hands were shaking and his vision was blurring. He wiped angrily at his eyes.

“Isak?” Emma asked nervously. “Isak what is it?”

Isak held out the letter for her to read once he’d finished it, trying to hold in his heartache.

Vilde was gone.

Her original had been in a car crash before Isak’s letter had even arrived. They came in the night and she was driven away within minutes. She couldn’t even say goodbye to George, the dog she’d befriended. They took everything they could from Vilde as her original was in critical condition. Vilde completed after seven hours of surgery. Magnus wrote about how much Vilde talked about him, how much she wished she could have seen him again. Magnus reminded Isak how much Vilde loved him He told Isak that Vilde said so much about him he felt like he’d known him.

Isak’s whole body was shaking and the tears were falling quickly from his eyes when Emma leaped over and hugged him, the letter falling to the floor. “Isak,” she cried, “Isak, I’m so sorry!”

He shook and wept and didn’t protest when Emma wrapped her arms around his torso and borrowed into his back. He held onto her hands spread across his heart and cursed the world for hurting so damn much. Soon enough Jonas had joined them in Isak’s room and the three of them curled up on the bed.

Emma and Jonas held onto him and covered him with their bodies, brushing tears from his cheeks and running fingers through his hair.

Isak hoped and wished he could just go back in time to his days at Nissen before Even had begun dating Sonja and before Isak had kissed Vilde. He wished he could go back to the time before Miss Julie told them what would happen to them. He wished he could go back to lying in the grass, listening to the comforting sway of the tree branches, and the soft sputter of the fountain. He hadn’t even lived twenty years yet and he felt weary from his short life. He felt tired and broken and defeated.

He focused on the way Emma and Jonas held him. He didn’t know that within two months, they would both be gone and Even still wouldn’t be back. Months later with neither Jonas nor Emma nor Even to hold him, he would remember their phantom embraces. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your thoughts and feelings are much appreciated, even if it's just to express how much you hated this. I read it all.


	10. There's nothing wrong with him.

 

 

 

_August 1986_

The sweat dripped down his forehead and along the center of his face until it clung to the tip of his nose. He could feel the sweat stinging his eyes as he blinked furiously, his hands still at work in the soil. His ears were warm and damp beneath the headphones, trapping in the heat and blocking out the rest of the world. It was the most humid at The Cottages in August and most residents stayed inside during the day to avoid the sweat.

Isak hated staying inside. When he did, he spent all his time in his room with the door shut firmly. Every time he went to the bathroom or ventured downstairs for meals, he had to walk by Even’s room. The door had been shut for months with few exceptions. Sometimes at night, Isak could hear Sonja padding across his doorway to slip inside Even’s room. The first time it happened, he silently climbed out of bed and opened his door to peer into the room. Sonja would curl up on Even’s bed, wrapping herself in the blankets.

Sometimes she would just sleep there. Other times he could hear her crying and gentle sobs. As much as Isak didn’t like to admit it, Sonja had loved him, too. Probably still did. Neither Jonas, Jakob, nor Emma had been quick to tell Sonja about Isak and Even. Isak never talked to her about it. Sonja could have known everything and decided to ignore it, but as far as he could tell, all Sonja knew was that Isak was a friend to Even when he was low. As far as Sonja knew, Isak was there for Even when Even didn’t want Sonja to be. Isak could tell that knowledge alone was enough for Sonja to distance herself from Isak, and Isak didn’t stop her.

 

 

Three days after they took Even away, Jonas received his notice. Everyone had expected it to come sooner. It was almost like they were all waiting for the shoe to drop. So, when it finally came, no one really reacted. Jonas took a walk out into the pasture and when he was far enough away from the house, Isak could see his figure just faintly as he dropped to his knees. It felt as though Jonas had been crying for weeks even though he hadn’t since the day Eva left. To see him give way to the pain was almost too much for Isak.

As Isak quickly realized it was tradition that whoever was leaving the next morning was cooked their favorite meal for dinner the night before. Jonas asked for chicken pot pie. Jakob had gotten carried away and made dessert pies as well. Isak helped him, learning just how Jakob did it. “Even will be happy you can make these now when he comes back,” he smiled at Isak. Isak had nodded and put the pie in the oven, wondering if Jakob would still be here when Even came back – wondering if Even would ever come back. The night before Jonas left, Isak stayed up with him all night watching _Jaws_. When Brody was at the dinner table and asked his son for a kiss, Jonas cried again. Isak just inched closer to him on the couch and pulled Jonas’ head onto his shoulder. He held him until the sun rose. When he left in the morning, they all hugged him goodbye. Jonas hugged Isak last, lightly patting his cheek and telling him, “Take care of yourself.” Isak just nodded, promised him, “I will,” and minutes later Jonas was gone. Jakob said goodbye to last piece of Elvebakken he knew.

A few weeks later, on the first day of June, it had been Isak’s turn to make dinner. Jonas had never been particularly loud, but the house was quieter without him. Sonja was supposed to help with dinner that night, but unsurprisingly, she’d barricaded herself in her room all day. “Need some help?” Emma offered as she walked into the otherwise empty kitchen.

Isak smiled barely, “Yeah, thanks.”

They worked in silence, slicing tomatoes and cheese until they had everything ready for grilled cheeses. As they were flipping them and setting them on plates, Emma finally spoke up. “We should probably heat up some tomato soup, too,” she suggested.

“Why?”

Emma pulled the large can from the cupboard, “Jakob likes to dip his grilled cheese in it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, haven’t you noticed?”

Isak tried to think of a time when Jakob said anything about it or even did it, “No, I guess not. How do you notice everything about everyone?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know everything, I just don’t have one person to obsess about.”

He didn’t know how to answer her. He’d never really been the self-centered type, but he had let Even occupy his center for as long as he could remember. “You’re lucky,” he decided.

Emma poured the cold soup into the pot somewhat angrily, “How can you even say that?”

“What?” he asked, “It sucks to love someone this much,” he said quietly, “It hurts like hell.”

Emma shook her head, “You’re the lucky one, Isak.”

“Are you kidding me?” he asked, a little angry himself. Would he ever stop arguing in this kitchen?

“No, I’m not,” she argued. “You don’t get it. You have someone who loves you.”

“What are you talking about, Emma?” he was baffled, “You do, too. I love you. Don’t you love me?”

She rolled her eyes, “You know I do. I love you and I love Lea, and Jakob, and even Sonja. At least a little bit. But it’s not the same.”

Isak was beginning to understand what she was saying.

“Isak, I’m going to complete and have never been in love. I’ll be lucky if I make it to 25,” she said quietly.

“You don’t know that, Emma.”

She just stirred the soup. “Maybe not. But did you know tomato soup is my favorite?” she asked, not looking at him.

Isak shook his head, “I didn’t know that.” He took the large spoon from her hand. With one hand he stirred the soup and with the other, he hooked an arm around her shoulder, “But I do now,” he smiled.

Later that night, when everyone was asleep, Isak woke to the sound of his door opening softly. He had turned over in bed to see Emma sneaking in his room. As soon as she noticed he was awake, she froze. Then, “Can I sleep with you?”

Isak shifted over to the side of the bed, lifting the covers to accommodate her. She padded across the room lightly, easily slipping into the bed and pulling the covers tight.

“Are you okay?” he had asked her. Her eyes were glassy. Her hair had grown longer reached her shoulders. He brushed some that had fallen across her cheek back behind her ear.

“Isak,” she whispered, her voice shaky.

It suddenly hit Isak like a ton of bricks, “No, no, no, not you too.” He could feel his eyes stinging and the moment the tears fell from Emma’s, his vision blurred. He pulled her in close and hugged her tight to his chest.

“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to tell you. I thought I’d have more time.”

Isak did, too. Emma had only arrived at the Cottages a month before him. Everyone else had had so much time there. Why then was Emma only given thirteen months?

“Don’t be sorry,” he ran his fingers through her hair softly, “Don’t be sorry.” 

Emma would leave in less than five hours and Isak couldn’t help the overwhelming feeling that he was sick and tired of the people he loved leaving him. She pulled her head back away from his chest and rested on the pillow next to him, “I thought I would get to see Even again.”

“I know. Me, too,” Isak agreed. He wouldn’t let himself think about how it was entirely possible he would never see Even again. If he did, he thought he just might die.

 They had laid quietly for a while and Emma let him run his fingers through her hair. He’d thought maybe she’d been asleep until she turned onto her back and opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling, “Tell me something about you and Even.”

Isak turned to mirror her, his back falling comfortably into the mattress, “Are you sure you want me to talk about us right now?”

Emma shrugged. “Just, give me something different to think about than the morning?” she asked. “Pretend tomorrow is no different, okay?”  

Isak was at a loss, but he would try to think of something for her, “Okay. Well, I don’t know. Umm.” Emma wasn’t pushing him, just waiting patiently for him to say something. “You know that tape I have that you always make fun of?”

She actually laughed, “That Judy Bridgewater snooze fest?”

“It is _not_ a snooze fest,” Isak disagreed.

“Whatever, yeah, okay, I know it. What about it?” she continued.

Isak admitted, “Even gave it to me.”

“What?”

“Yeah, like four years ago.”

“Is that when you knew?” she asked and Isak could somehow feel her smile when they weren’t even looking at each other.

“Knew what?” he asked.

“You know, that you loved him,” she answered.

Isak shook his head and knew that she could feel it. She turned onto her side and propped her head on her elbow, “Wait. Do you love him?”

He turned his head to look at her, “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“So when did you know?”

Isak shrugged, “I’m not sure. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.”

She didn’t say anything, just stared out the window with the smallest smile on her face. “Hey,” he put his hand on hers, “We don’t have to talk about this.”

“No. It’s nice. Does he know?”

“Does he know what?”

She rolled her eyes, “You know, that you love him? Does he know?”

“Yeah,” Isak scoffed, “Of course he does.”

“You told him that?” she asked.

“Yeah, well. Actually, no. I don’t think so.” Isak was trying to remember a time he had told him, but all he could think of was the many times he thought it.

“I’m sure he knows,” she assured him.

“Yeah,” Isak nodded.

Emma laid her head back down on the pillow and shifted under the blankets until she was comfortable.

“I’m gonna miss you, Emma.”

“I’ll miss you, too.”

In the early hours of the morning, Isak fell asleep next to Emma. He’d tried to fight it, but for once in his life, sleep overtook him when he didn’t want it to. She didn’t say goodbye to anyone. Emma left him a note on the pillow, “Don’t let him go.”

That day in June, Isak didn’t let himself cry until he was digging in the garden that afternoon with his headphones pulled over his ears, listening to Judy Bridgewater.

 

 

So in August, when he found himself in the same position, hands in the dirt, saltwater was stinging his eyes, this time from sweat, not tears. The hand on his shoulder startled him.

Isak ripped the headphones from his ears and wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm. “What the hell, Jakob?”

“I said your name like six times, dude,” Jakob said, holding his hands up in defense.

“Sorry, you just scared me,” Isak admitted.

“Yeah, well. George just stopped by. He said we’re getting new people.”

“What?” Isak asked. “How many? What did he say?”

“He said, ‘three or four’ couldn’t remember,” Jakob answered.

Isak shook his head, sweat falling from his damp hair, “Wait, _he_ couldn’t remember or _you_ couldn’t remember.”

Isak knew Jacob knew what he was implying. If three new people were moving in, there was a good chance he could see Even again one day. If four people were, one of them would be occupying Even’s room. They wouldn’t bring Even back if he had nowhere to stay. “Jakob!” Isak shouted and his voice betrayed him.

“Calm down. _He_ couldn’t remember. Trust me. I was listening carefully,” Jakob replied.

Isak nodded, releasing a long breath.

“I miss the dude, too,” Jakob told him.

He gave Jakob a weak smile and dusted off the dirt from his knees. “I’m gonna shower.”

“Good. You reek, man.”

“Thanks, Jake. You’re a true friend,” Isak bantered.

Jakob glared at him. Isak knew he hated being called Jake. “I hate being called Jake,” he mirrored Isak’s thoughts.

“I know, Jakey boy,” Isak laughed and slapped his shoulder as he walked by.

Everything would be fine, he told himself. They were getting three new roommates, he told himself. He could keep it together, he told himself.

He took a really long shower and soon Sonja was banging on the door as Isak let the lukewarm water pour down his body. “Come on! Hurry up! I need a shower, too!” she yelled.

“Use Lea and Jakob’s shower!” Isak called back.

“Isaaaak!” she was relentless.

Isak groaned, shutting off the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist. When he opened the door, Sonja was standing right there and nearly slammed right into him. “Would it kill you to wear some clothes around here!” she shouted, pushing past him into the bathroom and slamming the door.

“You’re welcome!” he shouted back at the closed door.

“I don’t know why _anyone_ would ask you to put on clothes,” a voice came from behind him.

Isak whipped around quickly, water from his hair sprinkling onto Lea’s face. She flinched, “Sorry!” Isak apologized.

She just wiped the water from her face and laughed, “Don’t be sorry. Like damn, how did this happen?” She walked forward and put her hands on Isak’s shoulders twisting and pulling him at her will, “When you first showed up here, I thought you were the skinniest thing I’d ever seen.”

“Hey!” Isak shouted. The water from the shower turned on behind him.

“I’m trying to compliment you, Isak,” she rolled her eyes.

Isak scoffed, “Yeah, sure feels like it. Was that really your first impression of me?”

Lea laughed, “No. I thought you were a grumpy little shit.”

“Wow, thanks a lot, Lea,” he rolled his eyes back. “What’s with everybody picking on me?”

She shrugged, “Just picking up the slack. Seriously though, nice bod, Isak. The new girls are gonna love you. Maybe you’ll finally stop sulking around here.”

Apparently, Lea didn’t know he was gay, which was news to Isak. He’d expected Jakob would have told her. Then again, he couldn’t imagine that Lea and Jakob spent much time talking about him. They’d picked up the slack Even and Sonja had left behind, going at it like bunnies in the last few months.

When he jumped into his room, Isak stood in front of the mirror propped against the wall and twisted around the way Lea had. He hadn’t really noticed any physical changes, but he did feel stronger and his walks became longer or turned into runs. He’d also taken to clearing away the destroyed fence in the pasture from the rains in July and single-handedly rebuilt it. He had never intended to become as athletic and muscular as he did, but it happened and it kind of amazed him how his body could change with him barely noticing.

He heard a knock at the door, “Get dressed. Arrivals are coming down the main road now. Time for introductions.”

Isak reluctantly pulled his clothes on, choosing comfortable green cotton shorts and a white t-shirt that was buried in his wardrobe. The shirt had definitely not been this form-fitting the last time he wore it. He considered changing but then heard Jakob’s booming voice, “Isak!”

“Coming!” Isak yelled and walked down the stairs with a book in hand to read at the kitchen table. He didn’t really want to talk to the new people for very long, so he figured if he had a book in his hand and made himself look busy, he would get by relatively uninterrupted.

His hands were shaking as he sat at the table and he couldn’t concentrate on the paragraph he was reading. He fought the urge to look out the window and count the new people.

_Please don’t let it be four._

He wasn’t sure who he was begging to, but he just hoped it would work.

To Isak’s immense relief, three new faces belonging to two girls and one boy followed Jakob into the kitchen. They seemed nervous and fragile. Isak imagined that’s what he looked like when he arrived fifteen months ago. “Okay,” Jakob clapped his hands together, “This is the kitchen. We take turns cooking meals, usually two or three of us at a time. If you don’t like cooking, under absolutely no circumstances should you ask Isak here to take your shift. Ask me. Always ask me.”

Isak made a small wave. He introduced himself, “Isak. Bad cook. Gemini.”

The two girls laughed and the boy pressed his lips into a thin line to keep from doing so himself. Jakob rolled his eyes, walking over to Isak, “Isak’s grumpy half the time and moody the other half. But he only bites when you ruffle his hair. Isn’t that, right?” he asked, turning to Isak and shaking his hand through his locks.

Isak played along, pretending to make a bite for Jakob’s hand and missing intentionally. The girls laughed harder and the boy joined in this time. “Down boy,” Jakob chided jokingly. “This is Hanna and Sigrid from Nordpolen and Alex from Riis,” he introduced them.

They all said their hellos and Alex even gave him a head nod. “Alright, I’ll show you to your rooms,” Jakob led them out of the kitchen. Isak heard his voice fade up the stairs as he explained the laundry system.

It was Isak’s turn to cook dinner that night, but he wouldn’t even attempt it. Jakob wouldn’t have let him anyway. “I’ve gotta impress them early. Show them I’m valuable,” Jakob explained.

Isak shrugged, “Worked on me.”

Jakob pulled out all the stops, making a delicious eggplant lasagna and tiramisu for dessert. They were all sitting around the table, taking their last bites of the custard cake when Hanna asked what she, Sigrid, and Alex had apparently been wondering. “So, where’s the guy who sleeps in the room next to yours?” She was looking at Isak.

Isak looked in panic to Jakob. He’d expected him to tell them or to at least say something about it. Jakob just shrugged.

“He’s away right now,” Sonja explained, jumping in.

Sigrid turned to Jakob, “I thought you said only day trips were allowed?”

Jakob nodded and Sonja interrupted Isak’s thoughts, “Even’s sick. He’s being treated by doctors right now.”

“Oh,” Hanna said quietly.

“He’s not sick. He’s under observation is all,” Isak muttered.

“Don’t lie, Isak,” Sonja grumbled. She turned to the three of them, “My boyfriend’s sick. He has bipolar and he’s away to get better. He’ll come back though. You’ll meet him,” she smiled.

“Sonja,” Jakob’s voice was level and not at all like the alarms going off in Isak’s head.

“What?” she retorted.

“You’re lying,” Isak interrupted. His voice wasn’t nearly as steady as Jakob’s. Lea coughed. The tension in the room was palpable.

“Umm?” Alex mumbled.

“He’s not sick. There’s nothing wrong with him,” Isak explained. “And he’s not your boyfriend,” he looked to Sonja.

Sonja laughed, “Right. He broke up with me when he was losing it. Doesn’t count,” she scoffed.

“Sonja,” Lea tried to get her to stop, putting a hand on her wrist.

Sonja shoved it off, standing from the table abruptly, “I’m going to bed,” she announced. Then she turned to Isak, “You don’t have to be so cruel. I know he’s your best friend, but I love him. I’ll always love him. He’ll come back to me.”

No one wished her a good night.

“You okay?” Jakob asked once she’d left. He was definitely directing his question to Isak and the rest of them seemed confused. Isak only nodded slightly and waved his hand like it wasn’t a big deal. Sonja could drown in her denial for all Isak cared.

“What’s her problem? Why is she so bitchy?” Alex asked. He was annoyed and everyone could feel it.

Jakob turned to the younger boy quickly, “How would you feel if the one you loved was taken from you?” The words came out harsher than Isak knew Jakob intended, but even then, he could feel the sting.

Alex was unwavering though, “What? You think I have to imagine what that’s like?” He stood up from the table, his chair tumbling and nearly toppling to the ground. Isak was taken aback by the boy’s sudden display. “Well I don’t. I did it this morning.”

“I’m sorry, kid. We’re all just a little stressed about the Even thing. None of us really know what’s going on,” Jakob assured him.

Alex nodded and like that it seemed the tension had resolved, “Thanks for the food. It was really good. I’m going to sleep.”

Sigrid and Hanna found their way into the living room and when Isak walked in, he found them looking through the stack of films. “Do you like movies?” Isak asked.

“She loves them,” Hanna gestured to Sigrid who blushed. “I can never sit through a whole one, though.”

Isak smiled, “Even does, too. Hey, have you ever seen Star Wars?”

It turned out they hadn’t and Isak felt it was his personal responsibility to amend that. “It’s Even’s favorite. You’ll love it. It’ll be like you’re meeting him.”

When Han first appeared on screen, Sigrid leaned over and whispered, “I like that one.”

“Yeah,” Isak nodded, “Me, too.”

 

 

_October 1986_

He was out for a walk when it happened. It was noon on a Wednesday when the small white car turned from the main road down to the one that lead to the Cottages. Isak had assumed it was just George, but he saw another figure with their head resting against the glass in the backseat. His heart stopped. He was about 5 kilometers from the houses and the rain was just starting to sprinkle when he let his brain catch up to his thundering heart.

“Even,” he exhaled and broke into a run.

Isak had mainly built up speed in short runs. His thighs and calves were burning by the time he was halfway there. The rain had begun to fall harder and he struggled in the fresh forming mud.

Even. Even. Even. It had to be Even.

He wished he’d brought water with him, but when he left that morning for a walk, he didn’t expect he’d need to run anytime soon. He powered through the pain, knowing that he just had to run for ten more minutes or so and he’d be there. With Even.

Isak hadn’t seen his Even in five months, seventeen days, and roughly three hours. He would do everything physically possible to reach him. He found a second wind and was finally powering over the hill and finally catching sight of the small white car in the front yard.

Jakob was standing outside with Lea, looking nervous.

“Jakob!” Isak called out breathlessly.

“Isak,” Jakob put his hands out to rest on Isak’s shoulders.

“Is it him? Jakob,” Isak sucked in a big breath, “Is it Even.”

“Yeah,” he replied, eyes averted. Isak ran past him, “Isak, wait! Isak!” he called after him. Isak couldn’t possibly wait. He burst through the front door, bounding through the kitchen and living room soaking wet. He scared Hanna who had been napping on the couch.

“Even!” Isak called out, bounding up the stairs two at a time. “Even!” he ran right into Even’s room, flinging the door open. He wasn’t there. “Even?”

Then he heard it. He heard the moan from the other side of Sonja’s door behind him. High pitched and pleasured and devastating, Sonja’s voice crying out his Even’s name. “No,” Isak shook his head, unable to move, blinking away the tears. He could hear the deep moans that sounded both amazing and awful at the same time.

“Isak?” Jakob found him.

“No,” Isak sobbed, falling to his knees, “No, no, no, no.”

Jakob crouched down, gripping Isak by his shoulders, “Isak, stand up. Isak!”

Isak looked up at him and could barely see Jakob. He looked past his shoulder and saw Alex in his own doorway, staring down at them uncomfortably. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, Alex. Just give us a minute, please?” Jakob snarled over his shoulder.

“Whatever, man,” Alex shook his head and disappeared.

“Is it actually him, Jakob?”

Jakob kept lifting him up, helping him out of the room and into Isak’s, “Come on, here we go.” He let Isak collapse on his bed.

Isak immediately fell into the fetal position, hugging a pillow close to his chest.

Isak didn’t look at him when Jakob apologized. He didn’t look at him when he left the room and shut the door. He pulled the pillow over his head, crushing into his face and screamed with everything he had left in him. He screamed and screamed until the screams faded to sobs and the sobs faded to whimpers.

He couldn’t see Even. He knew that if he looked him in the eye and confirmed that he didn’t really love him back, that he didn’t want him anymore, that he’d die of a shattered heart right then and there. His heart was already so mangled and bruised and beaten. He didn’t think he would survive the fatal blow.

The sounds in Sonja’s room had quieted and Isak could hear the car roar to life in the yard. He leapedfrom his bed and ran down the stairs, nearly falling in his attempt. “Wait!” he called out to George, “Wait!”

He caught him just as he was pulling out of the yard.

“Jesus, son! What the hell’s the matter with you?” George shouted.

Isak leaned into the window, nearly eye level with him, “I want to be a carer.”

He wanted to get out of there.

George didn’t say anything.

“It’s you I apply to isn’t it?” Isak sniffled, wiping at his nose with the back of his damp sleeve.

George nodded once, “Can you drive?”

“Yes,” Isak lied.

“Yeah, yeah, alright,” he didn’t believe him. “They’ll train you to anyway. I’ll bring the release papers tomorrow. Pack your things. We’ll leave first thing in the morning. Stavanger’s a ten hour drive.”

Isak released his hands from the car and stood up, “That’s it?”

“That’s it,” George nodded.

“There’s no application process?” Isak was confused.

George shook his head. “Only for rejected applicants. They already know who they want to be carers before you even arrive here,” George admitted. Of course, they did. Every aspect of their short lives was controlled somehow.

“Thank you,” Isak replied.  

He drove off without another word and Isak let the old man leave.

 

That night he refused dinner. After talking with George he went straight up to his room, changed his clothes, and crawled into bed. He heard a knock around 19:00 but immediately told whoever it was to go away. Jakob opened the door with a plate of food in his hand. “You should eat something,” he told him.

“Not hungry,” Isak mumbled, staring out the window with puffy eyes.

Jakob sighed, “Jonas would be kicking your ass right now.”

Isak’s voice was dry and irritated, “Jonas is gone.”

“I’m sorry, Isak,” Jakob said quietly. He was apologizing for a lot of things, none of which were his fault and none of which he had any control over.

When Isak heard the footsteps coming up the stairs later in the evening, he shoved his dresser in front of the door so it couldn’t be opened and pulled on his headphones, playing Judy Bridgewater’s _Songs After Dark_ at full blast.

In the middle of the night, he really needed to pee. When he came back to bed, he was too lazy to move the dresser back by the door. He pulled the headphones back on and leaned against his bedframe, Judy’s words of “Never Let Me Go” filling his ears. Within minutes, Sonja was standing in his doorway. She looked like a zombie or ghostly. A large gray t-shirt hung from her shoulders, one he’d never seen before and presumed to be Even’s. It fell to her thighs. Isak pulled the headphones down, his heart racing.

She stepped slowly into the room and for a moment, Isak believed she was a ghost. He felt sick. “I know what you think, Isak,” she spoke. “I know you think that you and Even would have made a more natural couple,” she continued. “I’m sure you thought Even and I would stay broken up, didn’t you?”

Isak swallowed thickly and he felt like his skin was crawling. She was almost smiling as her hair fell into her hollow eyes, “And you thought then maybe that would be your chance with Even?”

Sonja crawled onto his bed, placing her hands on either side of his hips and leaning in to whisper. Isak so badly wanted to push her off but he was frozen. “The thing is, although Even really likes you as a friend, he just can’t see you that way,” she said softly.

His eyes welled up with fresh tears. He’d led himself to believe he’d run out of them, but of course, he hadn’t.

A larger smile formed on Sonja’s face and she almost chuckled, “He told me about the porno magazines. We had quite a laugh about it.” Isak’s breath hitched. “He didn’t understand what you were doing. But I did.”

Isak couldn’t take it, but he felt paralyzed. A sob wrenched from his throat and a tear fell down his cheek.

“Oh,” Sonja cooed, leaning closer. She held her warm hand up to his cheek and wiped away the tear while gently kissing his other. “Don’t cry, Isak. I’m sorry you’re unhappy. I want you to be happy. You’re the oldest friend I’ve got. I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but I really care about you. I won't tell anyone. I promise.” She stood up from the bed and walked quickly out the room, disappearing into her own.

Isak grimaced, gritting his teeth and willing his hands to stop shaking. They wouldn’t. The tears were relentless, too.

 

In the morning, Isak waited at his window for the small white car to show up over the hill. Tiny snowflakes began falling from the sky and it was early enough that the time could have been mistaken for dusk. Isak pulled the beanie tight over his ears as he walked quietly down the steps, careful not to wake anyone. All Isak packed was his toothbrush, cassette tapes and his Walkman, his letters from Vilde, and the dreamcatcher. He left everything else exactly as it was.

Down below, George had the car idling. Isak stood at the backseat’s door, taking in the site of the Cottages for what he thought was one last time. He would, in fact, return in four years to take away one of its residents for donations. The light turned on in Even’s window and the soft yellow glow was cast onto the lawn where he stood.

Isak willed himself to turn away, slipping into the car and not once looking back as George drove him away. It didn’t feel like a goodbye. It felt like a breakup.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for taking so long to update this. It was really hard for me for some reason to write the first two thousand words or so of this, but eventually I got into a flow. 
> 
> So, this is probably a frustrating chapter, especially since Even doesn't say anything. Up until now, every chapter title has been something Even has said to Isak, but I've needed to break that "tradition" with this chapter. Don't worry, though. That tradition will make a comeback. 
> 
> If you think Even going back to Sonja is out of character, it is. Pretty much. Though I wrote it this way to parallel the novel this AU is based on and the ending of season 3 episode 5. Also, I think everyone else having their things to say about Even and Even not speaking for himself is also a parallel to whatever Julie is doing in the past few weeks (I trust Julie, but she's good at frustrating me which makes me love and respect her). 
> 
> This story has been chipping away at Isak's heart since the first chapter and this was the "final" blow I've been trying to build towards. However, I'm lying when I say it's the final one. HOWEVER, I promise Isak will be happy again. Cross my heart. 
> 
> OKAY, OKAY. End notes done.


	11. What’s going on, sweetheart?

 

 

 

_November 1986_

Isak had expected rigorous training. He figured it would be months before he was even considered to care for a patient, but that wasn’t the case. After a few weeks of driving lessons and three workshops about the pillars of caring, he was assigned to shadow under an experienced carer for his first patient.

As carers, they didn’t carry out any doctoring or nursing duties. For the most part, they were there to talk to the patients and help them with simple tasks that their weak bodies could no longer handle alone. The only thing he’d learned to do that was remotely medical was draw his own blood from his vein. After all, that’s why he’d been established as eligible for caring. He was O negative. Not only someone the patients could talk to, but also their own personal blood bag.

He was sitting in the passenger seat, listening to Mutta explain how he shouldn’t be nervous. “At least remember that she’s more nervous than you,” he nodded, tapping on the steering wheel. “Well, of course, that’s expected.”

“Yeah,” Isak swallowed thickly, blinking furiously. He could feel breakfast rallying to make a second appearance.

“Seriously though,” Mutta continued, “Just be completely natural. Don’t smile for the sake of smiling, and when you look her in the eyes, remember you’re looking at a person, not a wounded puppy. Three years of doing this has taught me they don’t want your pity.”

Isak nodded, “I know. I’m just-“ Mutta turned a little too quickly and Isak felt his stomach twisting, “I’m gonna be sick. Pull over.”

He listened to him and pulled to the side of the road. Isak opened the door quickly and made it two steps before his breakfast was in the grass. “Ahh, shit,” he heard Mutta behind him. “Come on. Just sit down,” he led him to the metal guard rail. “Put your head between your knees.”

Mutta’s hand was firm but soft on his neck, “Just breathe, man. It’ll pass.”

Isak barely moved his head between his knees, just breathing heavily. “Sorry,” he sighed.

Mutta sat down next to him, twirling the keys in his free hand and rubbing Isak’s back through his coat, “It’s okay. I fainted my first time.”

Isak turned his head to look at him, “You did?”

“Oh yeah, just flopped over like a sack of potatoes.”

Isak laughed, “Well I guess there’s hope for me.”

Mutta shrugged, “Now she’s gonna think your breath smells. How will you ever establish trust?”

“Oh shit,” Isak clenched his eyes. His stomach was twisting again. Mutta just smiled, “I’m messing with you. Here,” he moved to the car to grab some water and a small cardboard pack.

“Thanks,” Isak lifted his head, taking sips of the water.

“Chew on this,” Mutta ordered, handing him a thin piece of something Isak had never seen before.

Isak popped it in his mouth and chewed slowly, letting his tongue get used to the new sensation.

“Don’t swallow it,” Mutta warned.

Isak moved the chewed gob to the side of his mouth, “Why?”

“Because it’ll get stuck in your intestines for seven years,” Mutta said with a straight face.

“Seriously?!” Isak shouted, moving the gob with his tongue to the front of his mouth.

Mutta laughed, throwing his head back, “No, man! It’s just gum! You never had gum?”

Isak shook his head, resuming his chewing.

“I don’t know what happens when you swallow it, probably nothing. They just tell you not to,” he had this huge smile plastered on his face. It was the kind of smile that made Isak like him immediately.

He rolled his eyes at him, standing up slowly.

“He rises!” Mutta cheered sarcastically. “Alright, now let’s go, idiot. We’re behind schedule.”

Isak chewed his gum the rest of the way to their destination and before they got out of the car, Mutta told him to spit out the gum into a tissue. “It’s rude,” he shrugged.  

Isak didn’t understand why, but he did it anyway.

The beach house was huge and quite literally on the beach. Three stories high with giant glass windows and wrap around porches on the first and third story, it was amazing. “How many people live here?” Isak whispered to Mutta.

“Eighteen, I think.”

“Whoa,” Isak took in the massive fortress.

“Alright, look alive. Here’s our girl,” Mutta stood up straight.

She had red, red hair that hung in large, loose curls down her back and long bangs that hung in her eyes. Whenever she blinked, the bangs moved slightly, caught in her eyelashes. A galaxy of freckles lived beneath her eyes and across her nose. She had deep blue eyes and glowing skin, but she didn’t radiate light. Instead she seemed to be shaking, her knees wobbling slightly. A boy with choppy brown hair and almond eyes walked behind her, a hand in hers. He was holding her small burgundy suitcase with his free hand.

“You must be Olivia C?” Mutta asked, standing forward to shake her hand.

She nodded, “It’s Liv.”

“Are you her carer?” the boy asked.

“That I am,” Mutta nodded, smiling softly.

“Who’s that?” Liv leaned around him to get a better look at Isak.

“Oh, he’s my shadow. He’ll be caring for you, too. Learning the ropes and such,” he explained to her.

Isak waved and stepped forward, “Isak.” He reached out his hand.

Liv shook his hand nervously.

“They assigned her a new guy?” the boy asked almost angrily. It made Isak step back and look away nervously.

“Julian,” she said quietly, squeezing his hand.

“No, they assigned Liv to me,” Mutta explained. “I’m her primary carer. Isak’s just here to observe and learn and help where he can.”

Julian nodded in approval.

“I’ll take your bag and warm up the car,” Isak offered, stepping forward again, making sure to look Julian in the eye without any malice or discomfort.

“Sure,” Liv nodded.

Mutta handed Isak the keys. He popped the trunk and set the suitcase inside carefully. He slipped into the driver seat and started up the car. He turned the heater vents toward the backseat, still too woozy to handle the warmth.

Isak watched from the rearview mirror as Julian embraced Liv in a long hug. He pulled back with tears in his eyes and kissed her longingly on the mouth. She kissed him back with two soft kisses and he pulled her in for another hug. Mutta stood by, looking out at the cold beach.

Eventually Julian and Liv had finished their goodbye and Isak found himself driving back along the coastal road. Liv sat in the seat behind Mutta, her knuckles resting on the windowpane.

“Are you warm enough?” Mutta asked, turning around to face her.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

Mutta tried to be causal, letting her know some procedural things, how she would need to fast tonight in prep for the bloodwork in the morning. He offered that the three of them stop for lunch before making it back to Stavanger, but she declined.

He told her about where her room would be and what kind of things she should expect in her routine for the next few weeks before the first donation. He tried not to overwhelm her constantly, letting minutes of silence sit among them in the car before he gave her more information.

Mutta sat with his hands in his lap, not looking nervous, but a little sad that she wouldn’t talk with him. He seemed to understand why though.

Isak looked at her through the rearview mirror, “Do you mind if I play music, Liv?”

His words shook her from her daze and she lifted her head from the window, “Sure.”

Mutta pulled the three cassette tapes Isak had in the car from the glove box and Isak tapped one with his finger, knowing which he wanted to hear.

The Beach Boys’ _Pet Sounds_ was softly pouring from the speakers and after the first verse of “Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” Mutta looked over at him with a stare that seemed to ask, “Are you crazy?”

Once the first song on the album finished, Liv spoke up, “I liked that one.”

Isak made eye contact with her through the mirror and smiled, “Me, too.”

She nodded and turned her head back to look out the window, wiping discretely under her eyes. He was glad he’d made the right move and he could feel Mutta relieving himself of his worries next to him.

Liv was in good hands.

When she completed after her third donation in April of 1987, Isak would personally write the letter to Julian.

 

 

_August 1989_

When Isak was given the assignment, he was sure it had been a mistake. Carers weren’t supposed to be assigned patients from the intermediate lodgings they’d come from. “Look, I don’t make the assignments, I just hand them out,” the messenger told him as he stood in the doorway to Isak’s tiny apartment.

He’d been given a small studio in one of three tall gray buildings connected by short bridges in Stavanger. They looked out of place really, compared to the pristine white houses and red tiled roofs of the nearby buildings.

Isak was eating his corn flakes in at the small table facing his only window when he heard the knock that morning. When he sat back down, he read and reread every word until his cereal went soggy.

He tried to distract himself for the rest of the day. He walked down to the shops on Øvre Holmegate, bought a few new tapes, bought a book called _A Light In the Attic_ , and took his usual spot by the window in a coffee shop he ended up visiting almost weekly.

The first time he went to the Blue Bird in February of 1988, he laughed out loud while waiting in line because his mind drifted to the times when they would do simulations at Nissen in stage coffee shops and restaurants. When he walked up to the counter and ordered his coffee, the barista had slyly smiled at him, “I’ve never seen this happy guy around here before.”

“Just moved,” Isak nodded.

“Well, welcome to Stavanger! Name?”

“Thanks, uh, why?” Isak asked, confused. He glanced down at his name tag – Eskild.

“For your order?” Eskild replied confused, holding up the cup. Isak still wasn’t getting, “We call out your name when your order’s ready,” Eskild explained.

“Oh, um, it’s Isak,” he answered.

“Isak,” Even smiled as he wrote his name on the cup.

“Thanks,” Isak handed him the cash.

“It’ll be out in a second,” he assured him.

Isak moved out of the line and chose a seat by the window that would become his regular spot. Eskild brought his coffee over a few minutes later and startled Isak from his trance. “What happened to calling out my name?” Isak asked.

Eskild made a show of looking around him at the three other customers who had already gotten their drinks, “Not very busy. I thought I’d save you the trouble of walking ten meters.”

“Oh, thanks,” Isak took the coffee and a tentative sip. “Wow, that’s good!”

He smiled and looked down at Isak, “I added some hazelnut syrup. You seem like a hazelnut guy.”

“I guess so,” Isak agreed. “What kind of guy are you?” He tried to make conversation.

“Oh sweetie, I’m an almond guy, can’t you tell?” Eskild asked.

“Did you just call me ‘sweetie’?” Isak asked, eyes wide.

“I sure did, sweetie. You seem sweet. I call ‘em like I see ‘em,” he winked.

Isak felt his face flush with warmth. He’d never been prepared for this scenario, “Weird, everyone else says I’m grumpy.”

Then, in a move that Isak really should have seen coming, Eskild sat down at the seat next to him, “Everyone else is wrong, honey.”

“Uhh, what are you doing?” Isak asked, alarmed.

“Sitting! I’m on my break. Don’t worry,” he answered.

“Oh, okay,” Isak nodded, sipping his delicious coffee.

“Is that okay with you?” he asked Isak.

“What?”

“Is it okay if I sit with you?” he clarified again.

“Oh, yeah, okay,” Isak didn’t really know why he was asking since he was already sitting.

“So what do you do, Isak?” Eskild wasn’t going away anytime soon.

“I’m a scribe, in the hospital.”

“Wow! That’s incredible! I’ve always admired people who working in hospitals. I hate hospitals – cold and depressing. But I guess someone’s gotta do the work! Wow,” he repeated himself, “So do you work like full time?”

Isak nodded, “I give my life to medicine.” Eskild, of course, didn’t understand the irony in that.

“Wow, how amazing,” Eskild beamed.

Isak didn’t understand why this guy was making him nervous. He seemed perfectly nice, but it was like he could tell everything about Isak just by looking at him and _that_ was unsettling. He almost expected his next question to be, “Why are you broken hearted?”

But it wasn’t. Instead, Eskild told Isak about how he was a student at the local university, how he got into coffee, why he preferred jazz over rock, and how he would “literally take a bullet for Princess Diana.” Isak listened and nodded and asked for clarification in all the right places. Eventually he forgot that he was trying to “seem normal” and just naturally flowed into conversation with Eskild.

After an hour or so of chatting, the coffee shop had gotten way busier and soon another barista was calling over to Eskild for assistance.

Had Eskild not initiated the conversation, Isak would have remained friendless in Stavanger. Maybe not completely friendless. He got on with the other carers alright and he liked his patients, no matter how much or little time he got with him. But Eskild was his only friend on the outside. He was the only one who asked Isak about his parents and his sisters and where he saw himself in twenty years. With Eskild, Isak could create a whole past and an entire future and live out some of his childhood fantasies. He’d had fun with the lies he created. His parents were both writers. One sister was older and married with one kid. The other was fifteen and the biggest Star Wars fan on the planet with the best taste in music. One day he would be Dr. Valtersen, Valtersen being the name he was issued on his ID card during training.

So when Eskild asked him one afternoon over lattes if he’d ever been in love, Isak easily could have lied, but instead he told the truth, “Yes.” He avoided names and gendered pronouns while talking about Even and he left out information that would imply Isak’s true past, but he was the most honest he could be. Sometimes when he talked about Even to Eskild, he thought maybe Eskild knew. That like the hazelnut, he could see right through him and knew he was gay. At first it terrified him, but Eskild never pushed him and didn’t reveal that he’d made a conclusion about Isak’s sexuality. This was probably why Isak liked Eskild the most.

Now, knowing he would be making the long drive to the Cottages tomorrow, he really felt like he needed to talk to someone and Eskild was his first choice. He sat at the table by the window as Eskild and the other baristas went through the long line of customers. Isak could wait. He was in no rush.

“Here you go, sweetie,” Eskild set the mug down in front of him. He’d never been able to find anything he loved more than the hazelnut latte.

“Thanks, Eskild,” he smiled nervously, handing him the cash.

“No,” Eskild refused, “It’s on me. You look like you’re about to freak out.”

“That obvious?” Isak laughed.

“Not really, I just call ‘em like I see ‘em,” he reminded him with a wink. “Astrid, you good?” Eskild called back toward the counter.

She just nodded and waved him off which turned into a wave for Isak, “Hey Isak!”

“Hey Astrid,” Isak waved back.

Eskild sat down and loosened the strings on his apron to get comfortable, “What’s going on, sweetheart? Talk to your guru.”

“Sweetheart?” Isak rolled his eyes, “Really?”

“Talk,” Eskild demanded, raising his eyebrows.

Isak sighed, taking a sip of his coffee, “I’m taking a trip tomorrow.”

“Oooh! A trip! Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because, it’s back to the town where I finished schooling, you know? And I just left so quickly back then that, I think it’ll be weird going back. I’m afraid it will be completely the same or completely different.”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down. Where did you go to high school again?”

Isak waved his hand in dismissal, “Small town north of Oslo. You’d never heard of it.”

“Right, well. Could this nervous breakdown all be because a _certain someone_ still lives there?” Eskild pried.

Isak shook his head. It had been years since he, Even, and Sonja had arrived at the Cottages. He was sure Even couldn’t still be living there. He couldn’t know for sure that Even could still be _living_. That’s what scared him the most. He was afraid that if he went back, there’d be some finality to it, that he’d actually accept that he’d never see Even ever again. “No, moved away, too,” he answered Eskild.

“Well, I haven’t been back home since my parents kicked me out. I’d be nervous to go back home, too. It’s hard going back to a place you’ve run from.”

Eskild’s parents had kicked him out when he was sixteen and they found him naked in bed with his friend Erik. That was after his father beat the shit out of him. His aunt had taken him in and helped put him through school. By 1992, Eskild would be a graduate, teaching Norwegian at a local high school and working at the Blue Bird as a part-time manager for fun on the side. The day Eskild opened up to him about what happened, Isak was so close to telling him the whole truth about his only love, but something he couldn’t describe as anything other than heartache kept him from doing it.

Isak just nodded at Eskild’s wise words, unable to find a response on his tongue. “You’re gonna be okay, Isak. The past is in the past. Just worry about today, alright?” Eskild rubbed him on the back.  

“Alright,” Isak agreed, thankful for Eskild’s company.

After his second coffee, Eskild tried to buy him a third hours later, but Isak refused. “I’ve gotta be up so early and drive nine hours tomorrow. I can’t, I’ll never fall asleep tonight.” His overactive mind probably wouldn’t let him either, but he wasn’t telling Eskild that.

“Nine hours!?” Eskild shouted. “Get! Get on out of here. Go to bed!” It was only 16:30, but Isak was ready to go home and read his new book anyway.

Eskild’s outburst made Isak laugh, but he hugged him and said goodbye to Astrid on his way out. “I’ll see you in two or three days,” he promised. Then he was out the door.

Isak crawled into bed around 19:00, set his alarm for 5:00. He didn’t fall asleep until sometime between 00:00 and 00:45. He shouldn’t have accepted the second coffee.

He shouldn’t have been assigned a patient from the Cottages.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, Isak returns to the Cottages for the first time in three years. And there's something in the trees.


	12. I never stopped.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why?” Isak leveled with him. 
> 
> “Because,” he said calmly, “The universe has a message for you.”

 

 

 

_August 1989 cont.’d_

This road will never end.

Logically, Isak knew that to be false, but it didn’t feel that way. He’d driven this road once before, but in the opposite direction. Before, he had just wanted to get away and now, the feelings were no different. He wanted to stay away. He had left in a hurry in the early morning, quiet and undetected.

Now, returning for the first time in years, it felt the same. The streets were silent in Stavanger that morning. The sun had yet to crest over the water. He almost had the desire to apologize for disturbing the tranquility when he turned the key in the ignition at the donation center and the car roared to life.

He had made it about five hours before needing a coffee break. While he knew he’d actually driven quite a distance, his mind was still stuck back in Stavanger. His head had been swimming with questions the whole morning. He wondered who would still be there, years after he had left. Part of him really wanted to see Jakob again. He knew it had been cruel to leave without warning, without saying goodbye. But he had been in too much pain to stay. He wondered if Alex had softened any. Whether he stayed in his room all day apart from meals or learned to call the Cottages home. He wondered who was living in his room. Or William’s room? He’d never had it in him to take down the pictures of him and Noora, like somehow that would be disrespectful. He wondered if Jakob had explained who the people in the photos where when he showed a new guy to Isak’s room. He wasn't entirely convinced that Jakob was still there anyway.

No matter how hard he tried, thoughts of Even crept back into his head along the drive. It wasn’t like Isak didn’t expect them to. Not a day had gone by since he left the Cottages without thoughts of Even taking over his mind and burrowing deeper in his heart. He wanted to see him again, hold him again. He wanted to ask him why? 

That had been his one regret after leaving, but really his reason for leaving in the first place. He wanted to know how Even could love him like that, leave him because he wanted to love him better, then come back and not want him anymore. Most of the time, Isak allowed himself to believe that Even never wanted him, never actually wanted him. At night, in the moments before he fell asleep, he could hear Sonja’s voice repeating herself, “He just can’t see you that way.”

And maybe she had been right. Maybe it had been Even’s mania talking for him. But he had loved him when he was down, hadn’t he? Or had it all been his last attempts not to hurt him? He wrestled with the thoughts of whether Even let them take him away to get better or just to get away from Isak once he’d realized his mistake.

Either way, when Even returned and immediately went back to Sonja, he’d felt more alone than he had in the almost six months Even had been gone. With Even right on the other side of the wall, yet farther away than ever. At least when Even had been gone, Isak could keep on believing that he was still in love with him.

The only valuable thing Isak could take from the experience was knowing that he could survive five months without Even, when he never once could have even imagined it. The rest of his life would turn into breaking his previous record. Isak had been convinced he would never see him again. It was easier that way and preferable to allowing himself the delusion that he and Even would be together again one day.

He remembered Eva’s words, “Love shouldn’t hurt,” but that had been hard to accept when his whole life hurt. How does one grow up knowing how it will all end, how everything will be taken from them? Truthfully, it had hurt when Even went back to Sonja, of course it did. But it hurt before Even had been with Isak, too. Isak had decided that it was when he wasn’t with Even that it hurt the most – that his life could be divided into two chunks, life without Even and life with him, the life that hurt and the life that didn’t hurt nearly as much.

He never let his thoughts roam further than that, knowing all too well how dangerous it could be to let himself believe in a better future for himself. But he usually had something to distract him before the thoughts became too much.

Now all he had was this damn road that stretched ahead of him. Nine hours to let his thoughts pull him down. He resorted to shoving piece after piece of gum into his mouth once the previous piece lost its flavor until the wad became too large to chew and he was forced to spit it out and start again.

He’d been so focused on how angry he was with being forced to return to the Cottages that he missed the turn for the motel he was designated to stay at in the town just off the main road. It was a small motel, tucked away in the town and forgotten by most, just eight rooms.

Isak checked in and received the keys for Room #2.

Room #2 was small and a bit dark. The lamp on the bed side table glows the same dingy yellow just as the overhead lights. The green comforter on the bed smelled a little too much like coconut for Isak’s comfort. He immediately dropped his things and went out to search for food, starving since he finished his bowl of cornflakes almost nine hours ago.

The diner he chose to eat at was small, smaller than Isak remembered from three years ago. He chose the biggest burger on the menu and had only himself to blame when it fell apart from the weight onto his plate. He didn’t mind though. He ate every bit, feasting on more meat that he normally eats in a week. The fries were just as salty as he remembered. Covered in it and so buttery they should be sinful.

When he went back to his hotel room that afternoon, the sun was still large and bright in the sky. He drew the curtains, read in bed for a while under the lamp’s light, and then tucked himself in around 16:30, thoroughly exhausted from his day and feeling gross in the best way from his last meal.

He’s supposed to be arriving at the Cottages at 9:00 tomorrow, so he set his alarm for 7:00 which should give him plenty of time to shower, eat, and drive down the last stretch of the never ending road.

 

 

-

 

 

The first thing he noticed was the red van. It sat in the front yard, unmarked, free of dents, scratches, and any sign of wear. Isak knew no damage had come to the vehicle the night Even stole it and took off, but a part of him is angry there’s no visible evidence of it. It had always seemed to him that Even’s presence could be seen everywhere he went – scrunched up pillow on the unmade bed, toothpaste hardened to the sink, sweating cheese on the kitchen counter, the alphabetized movie shelf, boots carelessly thrown in the corner. Even never had a stealth mode. But looking at the unmarked van, Isak chest tightened. No one would have known Even had been there if they didn’t know the story. It made him wonder what he had missed. What other stories had happened around him that he couldn’t detect?

He sat in the car, one hand gripping the wheel, the other looking over the papers one last time, saying the name out loud to himself and hoping he was pronouncing it right. He was early, a side effect of waking up too soon and having gone to bed too early the night before. He didn’t dare get out of the car until the clock read 09:00. The last thing he wanted was to rush his new patient.

The house looked the same. Isak looked up and half-expected the yellow light to turn on and glow through the window of Even’s room. But it didn’t.

Isak was startled when the door to the cottages opened around 08:40. The house had been quiet and no lights had been turned on yet. Three people walked out. Isak just stared until the guy holding the small suitcase raised his eyebrows and then squinted at him, trying to get a good look at him through the windshield. It spurred Isak into action, finally getting out of the car and striding over to him.

“Sorry I’m early,” Isak said, reaching out to shake his hand. “We don’t really need to go for twenty minutes so if you need more time.”

He shook his head, “Doesn’t matter. I already said goodbye.” He looked over to the two girls standing with him. One with short red hair looked angry while the other with a long brown braid had puffy eyes and pink cheeks.

“Is everyone else still inside?” Isak asked, half of him wondering if a familiar figure was lying in the dark behind Even’s window.

“It’s just us,” he explained, “They’ve been picking us off one by one this week.” Isak grimaced at the thought, that somehow they were like breadcrumbs just waiting for pigeons to snatch them up. Of course Even hadn’t been there. None of them were there anymore. It made his stomach twist.

“Oh, well,” Isak shifted nervously. He hadn’t been this nervous with his last patient. Something about being back here was unsettling him and he just wanted to leave. “If you really are ready to go, I can take your things, Mahdi?” he asked, hoping he said it right.

“It’s pronounced like Ma-D, not Mad-E,” he corrected him. “Do they train fifteen-year-olds for this shit now?” he looked Isak up and down. Mahdi had to look up quite a way, shorter than Isak, but he was still intimidating him.

_Damn. Off to a great start, Isak._

Isak shook his head, gathering all his charisma. “No, I get that all the time, though. I’ve got a baby face,” he smiled slightly, “These curls don’t help either.”

Mahdi eyed him, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly at Isak’s self-deprecating comments.

 _You’ve got this,_ Isak reminded himself.

Mahdi handed over the suitcase, “Thanks?” he asked, looking for Isak’s name.

“Isak,” he filled in.

The girl with the red hair’s eyes went wide. “Isak?”

“Drop it, Linn,” Mahdi warned.

“Are you okay?” Isak asked, looking down at her.

“She’s fine,” Mahdi cut her off. “Don’t get her started.”

“Goodbye Mahdi,” Linn said curtly, walking back into the house and shutting the door softly.

Isak put the suitcase in the trunk and waited for Mahdi to finish hugging his other housemate. Isak sat waiting in the driver seat, shuffling all the paper work together into the folder and shoving it in the glovebox. Mahdi startled him once again when he opened the passenger door and slid in.

“Uhh,” Isak looked at him, confused.

“Is there a problem?” Mahdi asked, buckling himself in.

“No,” Isak shook his head, “Er, uh, I think you're supposed to sit in the back?”

“Why?” Mahdi asked, not looking entertained at all.

Isak shrugged, “I don’t know. That’s just how it’s always been.”

Mahdi was definitely not entertained at all, “And that’s good enough reason?” Then, “Are you kidding me? Just drive, bro.”

Isak actually didn’t feel compelled to argue so he just faced forward, put the key in the ignition and set off down the road. “So, how long is our drive?” Mahdi asked, leaning back and getting comfortable in his seat.

“About nine hours,” Isak told him.

“Nine? Nine!” Mahdi shouted.

“Unfortunately yes. But you only have to make this trip once, dude.”

“Dude?” Mahdi scoffed.

“Bro?” Isak looked over at him, trying to imitate his skepticism.

Mahdi smiled, “Okay fair. What’s for lunch?”

“Whatever you want. I figured we could stop in Arendal for some food.”

“Look, I don’t know where the hell Arendal is. I went straight from Riis, about two hours away to here. The farthest I’ve been is Oslo. But it doesn’t matter, just take me somewhere I can get waffles.”

“Waffles?” Isak was skeptical.

“Yeah, don’t you like waffles?”

“Sure,” Isak nodded, “But for breakfast. Didn’t you eat breakfast this morning?”

Mahdi rolled his eyes and groaned, “Don’t tell me just because you’ve only ever had waffles for breakfast that you won’t eat them for lunch or dinner. That is just _not_ a good enough reason, bro.”

“Fine, fine,” Isak acquiesced. “Waffles it is. What did you have for breakfast anyway?”

“Eggplant parmesan,” Mahdi deadpanned.

“Seriously?” Isak looked over at him.

“No!” Mahdi laughed, “I had waffles.”

Isak couldn’t help laughing, too. He was beginning to really like Mahdi already. There wasn’t any malice to his chaos. Only warmth. Isak believed he was already figuring out the best way to communicate with him.

“So what’s your story, man?” Mahdi asked, “How much of the country have you seen?”

“A lot actually. Our center’s in Stavanger, but before I became a carer, I went as far as Lade. I was at Nissen as a kid. Now, I’m mostly sent around the Stavanger area. This is the farthest I’ve had to come since I left three years ago.”

“Left where?” Mahdi asked.

“Here,” Isak gestured around him. “I used to live here.”

“Wait, wait, stop.”

“What?”

“Stop!” Mahdi yelled, tearing off his seatbelt.

“Mahdi, buckle up please,” Isak tensed.

“Bro, stop the damn car!”

Isak threw the car into park, “What the hell is going on, dude?” he yelled.

“We need to turn around,” he hit the dash, “Come on, flip a U right now. Let’s go.”

“Whoa, whoa, you need to stop –“

“ _You’re Isak!_ ” Mahdi shouted, “Like, _the Isak_. Linn was right?”

“Hva faen?” Isak muttered. He hung his head. Mahdi must have heard stories. Of course he did. He’d heard enough stories of Chris, and Noora, and William. He’d told stories of Jonas and Eva to Alex, Sigrid, and Hanna. “Look, Mahdi. I don’t have time, nor do I want to travel down memory lane right now, okay?” 

 _Literally_.

“No, man, look, it’ll take fifteen minutes. We’re early, you said it, right?” Mahdi looked at him. “Seriously, you just have to see something. We won’t even go all the way back. The girls won’t even see the car from the house. They won’t report you or anything. We have to go back.”

Mahdi looked really serious and genuine even more so. He was practically pleading with his eyes.

“Why?” Isak leveled with him.

“Because,” he said calmly, “The universe has a message for you.”

Isak’s breath caught. He didn’t know if Mahdi knew how much weight the universe carried with him after all these years.

“Bro, come on.”

“Let me think, man,” Isak cut him off, “Just hold on.”

“Okay, but every second you spend debating this, the more you’ll convince yourself not to.”

He was right. If Isak sat there long enough, enough time would pass and they wouldn’t have the option. They’d be off schedule.

“Alright, okay. Fine,” he put the car in reverse and turned around on the empty road.

“Over there,” Mahdi pointed to the bend in the road, “Pull off over there. We can cut through the woods.”

“I didn’t sign up for a hike man,” Isak argued.

“It’ll take like two minutes to walk there, I swear it.”

Mahdi had been right. They cut through the trees quickly until Isak recognized the path he’d walked so many times. He looked along the forest floor, his eyes finding the stump he’d sat on when Even explained his theory about the Gallery. Isak’s heart broke all over again.

“Why did you take me here?” Isak asked, staring down at the stump.

“Just look up,” Mahdi said from behind him.

Isak lifted his eyes and he stopped breathing for a second. Not a single tree within a ten foot radius had been untouched.

Even.

Isak’s name was scratched into almost every tree. He carefully walked over to one, lifting his fingers to the wood, tracing the letters slowly. Isak turned, looking around him until he saw a tree with a longer message. Isak walked forward, eyes stinging as the earth seemed to swallow him. “Well, did you?” Mahdi asked.

Isak stared up at the words, meticulously carved into the trunk of the dying tree.

“ _Did you ever love me? I never stopped._ ”

Isak fell to his knees and let the world collapse around him. He was sobbing and soon Mahdi was kneeling next to him, trying to get him to calm down. “When?” he asked Mahdi.

“When what?”

“When did he do this?” he asked through labored sobs.

“June,” Mahdi clarified, “Two months ago.”

“When did they take him? When did he leave?”

Mahdi sighed, “Two weeks ago.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't help some My Own Private Idaho influence.


	13. Someone you know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He smiled and Isak definitely noticed the way his tongue darted out between his rows of teeth, “You’re cute, Isak.”
> 
> Isak’s eyes went wide. “What.” It didn’t come out like a question, more like a breath.
> 
> “I said I think you’re cute,” he told him, walking a little closer now.
> 
> Isak instinctively took another step away, his lower back bumping softly into the edge of the counter behind him. What was happening?

 

 

 

 

_September 1989_

Many carers find themselves just going through the motions, waiting for the day when they can stop and become donors. Before Mahdi, it had almost felt that way for Isak. He’d been counting the days since he left the Cottages the first time. But Isak wasn’t just counting down the days until he would start his completion. He was counting the days that he was somehow surviving without Even.

The day Mahdi took him to the trees, he stopped referring to it as surviving. It was suffering.

Back in Oslo, he immediately went to the administrative staff of the donation center once Mahdi settled in and asked for information about Even – Where can I find him? Is he under observation again? Who is his carer? But the staff couldn’t tell him anything. As a carer, Isak couldn’t ask for anything for himself. Any requests or questions needed to be asked through the patient’s own volition. He had been rash and thoughtless. He’d never asked for anything before because he’d never had a good enough reason until then.

Even then if he asked Mahdi to initiate the request, it would be denied. They would already know Isak was behind it.

A few weeks into Mahdi’s stay at the center, one day before his first donation, he tried to offer more than anyone should. “You could ask for a transfer you know? Try to convince a new patient to put in the request?”

Isak just stared up at him over his hand of cards. Mahdi had been destroying him hand after hand.

“I mean. You’re better than anything I could have hoped for, and if you do transfer, they’ll probably stick me with a cold bitch with colder hands who only eats waffles at breakfast,” Mahdi looked up at him, no malice despite his harsh words, “But it would be okay if you did, Isak. I would understand, you know?”

Isak smiled softly, his mind only entertaining the thought for a split second, “Thanks, Mahdi. But it wouldn’t work. I don’t think it would. Besides, I’m not gonna leave you, dude.”

It was truth. As badly as he wanted to see Even again, talk to Even again, the chances were too slim and Isak wasn’t about to be another disappointment in the end of Mahdi’s life. He couldn’t do that. Mahdi just nodded in silent thanks.

“Why would you do that for me, Mahdi?” Isak asked. He couldn’t help it. “I mean, you only met me last month. And Alex, he told me the guardians at Riis punished people for boys for loving boys and girls for loving girls.”

Mahdi set his cards down in his lap and sat up further in his bed, “I used to think that.”

“Used to think what?” Isak swallowed thickly, leaning back in his chair beside Mahdi’s bed.

Mahdi shrugged, “I came to the Cottages thinking it was wrong to be gay. It’s just, they always told us it was bad. ‘You can get sick,’ ‘You can complete too soon,’ ‘No one will understand you,’ ‘No one can love you that way,’ I’d heard it all. I mean, do you blame me? When all they teach you is fear, it makes it harder and harder to want to understand.”

Isak shook his head, “No, I don’t blame you.”

“I don’t think that anymore, Isak. I don’t.”

Isak tilted his head, stretching his neck and trying to make sense of it, “But why?”

“Because fear isn’t a good enough reason, bro,” Mahdi said matter-of-factly, “And I thought Jakob was going to bash my skull in when I said something I shouldn’t have.”

Isak smiled slightly at the thought of Jakob getting angry at what was probably a gay slur. “What did you say?” he couldn’t help asking.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t like thinking I was ever like that, okay?”

Isak nodded. He didn’t want to see Mahdi that way either.

“Jakob just helped me understand. He told me he’d only ever known two couples truly in love.”

“Yeah?” Isak asked, encouraging him.

“Yeah,” Mahdi told him, “Jonas and Eva and you and Even. He said that when you’re in love, love grabs you. That it holds onto you and when the person you love leaves, its grip only gets tighter, and it hurts, but it doesn’t let go. Ever.”

Isak huffed out a laugh, “Who knew Jakob was such a softie?”

“I believe him, for what it’s worth. I think love was just squeezing Even too tight and he snapped.”

Isak winced at the imagery. “Then why didn’t he come back to me?” Isak barely registered there were tears stinging his eyes, “Why did he go back to her? I’m sure you’ve heard the story.”

“I don’t know, Isak. He wasn’t even with her when I came to the Cottages,” Mahdi sighed. “But I think fear can do that to a person. It makes us say things we don’t mean. It can make us afraid of the things we want the most. I don’t think I can speak for Even.”

“Aren’t I supposed to be caring for you? Why are you so philosophical all of sudden?” Isak laughed with tears in his eyes, trying to push away the nagging feeling in his chest. He knew somehow Mahdi was right.

“Because,” Mahdi rolled his eyes, “I could die tomorrow.”

Isak inhaled sharply. “It’s really rare to complete on the first donation, Mahdi. And this one has low risks involved.”

“Don’t use that word,” Mahdi scolded him.

“What?” Isak was confused.

“Complete!” He said, almost dumbfounded, “It’s called dying.”

“Sorry, I just don’t like to use that word.”

“Being scared of the word ‘dying’ doesn’t make it any less true, bro,” Mahdi shook his head. “I’m gonna die and this is going to be the first step. I’m eighteen years old and I might not make it to nineteen.”

“I think you should rest,” Isak told him. “They’ll be here early in the morning.”

“You too, right?” Mahdi asked, catching Isak’s wrist as he stood up. For the first time since he met him, Isak thought Mahdi looked scared.

“Of course, dude,” he promised.

 

 

 

_December 1989_

“Come on, Isak. You have to come. I refuse to let you spend another Christmas alone!” Eskild pleaded.

“I don’t spend every Christmas alone. The hospital throws a dinner for the patients and staff.”

“SNOOZE! That sounds awful!” Eskild refused. “You’re coming to mine. Bring anyone you want.”

Isak had never actually celebrated Christmas before, yet he’d seen enough Christmas movies to feel like he had.

“I don’t know, Eskild,” Isak shook his head.

“Are you seriously being a grinch right now?” Eskild deadpanned.

Okay, Isak definitely did not understand that reference, “No?”

“Then why won’t you come?”

“Because,” Isak sighed, “I might have a shift at the hospital then.”

Eskild rolled his eyes, “Get out of it. I’m sure it’s some other poor scribe’s turn to miss a holiday. You literally work through _all_ of them.”

“I do not!” Isak objected.

Eskild just stared at him, open mouthed.

“Okay! I do. Fine, I’ll see if I can get the time off,” Isak conceded.

He nearly choked on his latte as Eskild jumped up and hugged him.

 

 

-

 

 

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Mahdi shook his head, looking at himself in the mirror.

“You look great, dude. The girls are gonna be all over you.”

Mahdi turned around to glare at him, “How many girls do you know have a thing for guys with one eye?”

“I think the eyepatch looks hot,” Isak shrugged.

Mahdi just dropped his head back on his shoulders, “You’re so full of shit, Isak.”

“Look, if you don’t want to go-“

“No, are you kidding?” Mahdi scoffed. “My second donation’s next month. If I don’t get some tonight, I may never again!”

“Well, let’s go then!” Isak smiled, standing up from Mahdi’s bed. “Come on.”

Isak signed them out for eight hours. He knew he was being overly careful – they’d only be gone for three hours tops – but he knew it was better to be cautious then push the limits.

Isak was getting nervous as they made the 30 minute walk down to Eskild’s apartment. “Okay, so you know the drill. You’re my shadow at the hospital,” Isak started.

Mahdi finished for him, “I just transferred schools from Oslo. I lost my eye in a car accident when I was 12. I don’t drink or smoke because it’s against my religious beliefs. I know the drill, okay?”

Isak nodded, “Okay, okay.”

“Seriously, you’re more nervous than I am now, bro.”

“I’ve never taken a patient to a party before,” Isak admitted.

“That’s not what you told the front desk is it?”

Isak laughed, “No way. I told them we’re going to a fundraiser down at the church.”

“Oh, good call.”

Isak nodded.

“You haven’t been to a party before either, have you?” Mahdi asked hesitantly, a teasing smile on his lips.

Isak shook his head, “No.”

“Ahh, it’s gonna be so much fun, bro!” Mahdi started shuffling on his feet, twisting around and dancing, “We’re gonna dance, and there’s gonna be music, and I bet the eggnog will be bomb!” He looked even more youthful in his large, puffy jacket.

Isak laughed, “And how would you know all this?”

“I’ve seen movies!” Mahdi shouted.

“Alright, footloose, settle down.”

“What did you just call me?”

Isak laughed louder and shook his head, “Come on, we’re almost there.”

When they did arrive at Eskild’s apartment, Isak became even more nervous. He felt like he was somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be. But those feelings subsided when Eskild opened the door and immediately pounced on him.

“You came!” he shouted, throwing his arms around Isak’s neck. “And you brought a cute friend!”

“Eskild, this is Mahdi. Mahdi, Eskild.”

Mahdi shook his hand and smiled big and bright, “Thanks for having us!”

“Come in, come in,” Eskild pulled both of them in by their wrists. “Can I get you something to drink? Beer? Margarita? A shot!?”

“Eggnog?” Isak asked. “Early morning shift. Mahdi doesn’t drink.”

“Sure, sure,” Eskild nodded, completely in understanding.

Isak looked around at the place. It was nice, small, but comfortably fitting the twenty or so people on couches and chairs and ottomans. Eskild introduced Isak to everyone, bringing him around make sure everyone got the chance. He met two girls named Elise, who thankfully looked nothing alike. But one of the Elise’s had a twin named Ingrid and Isak definitely couldn’t tell them apart since they both decided to wear green velvet dresses. Eventually Isak figured out that Ingrid was wearing eyeliner but Elise wasn’t.

Soon, Isak had lost track of Mahdi who had fought a scoff every time Isak introduced him as his shadow.

He realized quickly that eggnog was not his thing and wandered into the empty kitchen to dump the rest and pour himself some Sprite. Isak loved the sound it made when the liquid fizzled on the ice cubes. When he turned around with the two-liter in hand, ready to set it back on the counter, he nearly fell over with the force of walking straight into a wall.

Except it wasn’t a wall, it was another guy. Soon another hand was joining his on the bottle while another fell to Isak’s waist. “Whoa, you alright there?” the guy asked.

“I’m sorry, sorry, sorry,” Isak rambled, stepping out of the guy’s space.

“Hey, relax. It’s okay,” he assured him, stepping away to give Isak’s even more space. “It’s Isak, right?”

Isak nodded. He thought he may have met this one. He was maybe an inch taller, with thick brown hair and deep brown eyes. He couldn’t remember his name for the life of him. “And you’re? I’m sorry. I just met so many people. I can’t remember your name.”

“Daniel,” he held out his hand, “Nice to meet you. Again. Isak.”

“Sorry,” Isak shook his hand.

“You say that too much,” Daniel smiled.

“Sorry,” Isak murmured then squeezed his eyes shut when he realized he’d done it again.

Daniel just laughed and Isak found it strangely comforting, even laughing along with him. He held up the sprite awkwardly, “Did you want some of this?”

Daniel chuckled, “No, I came into the kitchen for something else.”

Isak looked around him on the counters, only finding a bottle of ginger ale and an empty punch bowl of eggnog, “Ginger ale?”

Daniel smiled and Isak definitely noticed the way his tongue darted out between his rows of teeth, “You’re cute, Isak.”

Isak’s eyes went wide. “What.” It didn’t come out like a question, more like a breath.

“I said I think you’re cute,” he told him, walking a little closer now.

Isak instinctively took another step away, his lower back bumping softly into the edge of the counter behind him. What was happening? 

“Do you have a girlfriend, Isak?” Daniel stepped closer into his space.

“No,” Isak answered, his eyes fixed on Daniel’s socked feet. Why was he saying his name so much?

They took another step forward and then Isak could feel Daniel’s breath on his forehead. “A boyfriend?” If Isak didn’t know any better, he thought he was about to kiss him.

Isak shook his head no, turning his face away so that Daniel was no staring right at his ear. It must have sent a signal, because then Daniel was backing away.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to assume,” Daniel lowered his eyes, “I just thought. I don’t know I had a feeling. I’m making you uncomfortable, aren’t I?”

Isak finally looked up at him and searched his eyes, only finding an apology in them, “No, I uh,” Isak stuttered.

“You’re not used to this kind of attention, are you?” he asked and Isak could hear the smile in his voice before he even saw it.

“It’s been a while,” Isak admitted. Over three years. His eyes fell back to the floor as he still hugged the soda bottle in his arms.

“That’s a shame,” Daniel sighed.

“What?” Isak looked up, confused.

“You should be told how beautiful you are every day.”

Isak’s whole face went warm and he wrestled with whether he liked the sensation or not.

“Thank you,” Isak said carefully, almost like a question.

Daniel laughed, “You’re welcome.” Isak felt himself smiling back.

Then it felt like a weight had been dropped in his stomach. It was guilt. He closed his eyes and all he saw was clear blue eyes and big soft lips. Isak very suddenly wanted to cry. He put the bottle down on the counter behind him and started walking out of the kitchen, leaving his Sprite behind.

“Hey, where are you going?” he heard from behind him.

“I have to check on my friend,” Isak answered, disappearing from the kitchen and walking into the living room.

Mahdi was curled on the couch with Elise’s legs over his lap. No, Ingrid’s? Isak couldn’t tell if she was wearing eyeliner because she was too busy making out with Mahdi.

Isak turned around and thankfully saw Eskild. “Eskild, where’s your bathroom?”

“Right down the hall, sweetheart. Second door on the left,” he pointed.

Isak didn’t even respond, just walked quickly down the hallway and shut the door quickly behind him. The music faded to a soft thumping. Isak looked over at himself in the mirror. His face was pink and the whites of his eyes looked irritated with angry red veins. He turned on the faucet, lowering his face into the sink and splashing cold water on his face.

He turned off the faucet and slumped down into the tub, his legs hanging over the side. He could hear his name from down the hallway. Eskild was calling him. He at least knocked before he walked through the door. “Daniel thinks he’s upset you, Isak,” he started but then he saw Isak’s in the tub, his chest heaving and his eyes watering, “Oh Isak.”

Eskild sat down next to him and pulled him under his arm. “Isak, talk to me, honey. Did Daniel do something to you?”

“No,” Isak cried, “No, no, no, no.”

Eskild just held him tighter, “What’s going on, sweetheart?” he whispered into his hair.

Isak sobbed, he sobbed and shook in Eskild’s arms and held onto him until he couldn’t feel himself shaking anymore. Eskild rubbed his back smoothly as Isak finally let it out, “I miss Even. I miss him so much.”

 

 

 

 

_January 1990_

Mahdi was turning nineteen in four days on the nineteenth of January. In honor of his golden year, Isak had driven from market to market looking for the damn waffles. When he found Mahdi in the temporary hospital bed, looking tired and weak, he set the Eggo waffles down quietly on the bedside cabinet.

“Eggo waffles,” Isak announced. “If you knew how many shops I had to go to before I found those,” Isak sighed, sitting down in the chair and pulling out the paperback from his back pocket.

Mahdi’s voice cracked and sounded dry with sleep, “I thought I wasn’t allowed to eat so soon before the operation.”

“Oh you’re not.” Isak shook his head, “But I am. And after the operation, you can wolf down the whole box in one go,” he smiled.

Mahdi laughed, “Yeah, yeah, just don’t eat them all.”

 

For Isak, the real test of being a carer was when a donor completed earlier than expected. Most were projected to make it to their fourth. Completions on the third were usually a unexpected unless the patient had shown signs of physical decline early. Some completed on the second or even first donation, and at that point, carers can’t help but feel a little responsible even when it’s out of their own hands.

When Mahdi was asleep, Isak stood to talk to an attending nurse about which doctor would be working on him that afternoon. The nurse assured him the best on staff would be performing the procedure, but of course, there are always risks involved. Thankfully Mahdi felt more calm on this one than his first.

Isak would never say that he had become immune to the completions. Some he’d been able to live with better than others.

He was deep in his book in the waiting room. He hadn’t even noticed six hours had passed. “You’re Mahdi’s carer, aren’t you?” a voice came from above him. He didn’t even hear it.

“Mahdi’s carer?” it repeated itself.

Isak looked up with a start to find a different nurse trying to get his attention. “Oh, yes, I am,” he nodded, closing the book and standing up. He was easily a foot taller than her.

She gripped her hands together in the universal sign of apology. “I’m sorry. It’s always hard, but there were complications.”

Isak’s face fell. He was searching her eyes, his own feeling tight and irritated. It hit him.

Mahdi had completed. He never made it to nineteen.

Isak stood still for a few moments, processing the news. He told himself he could cry later. He swallowed thickly, “You need me to sign the release?” It came out choked and strained but Isak refused to break in front of her.

Behind the nurse’s counter, the woman rifled through papers, attaching them to a clipboard and setting them in front of Isak. She found a pen for him and he started filling in Mahdi’s information. The computer behind the station beeped as Isak’s was about halfway done with the papers. He looked up and stopped. There she was, digital and frozen, but it was her. In the photo, her hair was longer and she had bangs across her forehead, but those piercing eyes were still the same.

“Someone you know?” the nurse asked, jolting Isak from his thoughts.

“Actually, we grew up together,” he still held the pen firmly to the paper. He was stuck.

“Oh,” the nurse commented.

“How is she?” Isak stared at the screen, squinting, reading her file.

“Were you close?” she asked.

“We haven’t seen each other now for over three years.”

“Well,” the nurse started, “She isn’t as strong as we would hope, at this stage.” Isak was almost startled with how much information the nurse was offering.

“She’s done two donations,” Isak noted.

“She has.”

Isak finally looked over at the nurse, “You think she’ll complete on the third?”

The nurse nodded, “I think she wants to complete. And as you know, when they want to complete, they usually do.”

Isak nodded, “Mmm.”

“She’s requested a new carer. She’s gotten sick of the last three.”

“Of course.”

“I could assign you to her,” the nurse offered, “If that’s something you’d want.”

Isak found himself nodding. “I’d like to go see her now.”

“Hmm, level 3. Room 317.”

 

The hallway was quiet and dimly lit to allow for better sleeping conditions. When he walked in the hospital room, the bed was empty but white light flooded from beneath the bathroom door.

He saw it on the bedside cabinet. He picked up the delicate porcelain horse by the leg and examined it closely. It was in amazing condition.

He heard the door open with a loud click and the shuffling of a walker. He looked up. She hadn’t noticed him yet, still focusing on the slow steps she took out of the bathroom toward the bed. She panted softly, trying her best to muster her strength.

And then she looked up, her breathing stopping immediately as her fingers clenched around the walker. Her eyes were sunken in and her hair looked greasy and unkempt. Her lips were pale and dry.

“Isak,” Sonja sighed.

 

 

 

 


	14. Master of navigation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of silence passed between them before Sonja broke it with a trembling voice, “You’ve always been a good friend, Isak.”
> 
> “Thank you, Sonja.”
> 
> “I’m sorry I haven’t.”

 

 

 

_January 1990 cont’d._

She looked weak, like if he were to touch her she’d break. Two donations had given her hell. He almost asked her how she was doing, but winced at the thought of her answering him honestly.

Sonja carefully lifted herself up onto the hospital bed, not looking at Isak. She huffed and strained herself just to get comfortable. It was only when she was leaning back and settling in that Isak moved to help her readjust the blankets.

“Hi,” he said properly, speaking to her for the first time in several years.

She sighed, not out of annoyance, out of effort, “Hey.”

“I heard you got rid of your last carer,” Isak offered, pulling up a chair close to her bedside.

“Yeah,” Sonja answered.

“Why?” Isak asked carefully.

Sonja shrugged, “She smelled funny.” It actually made Isak’s shoulders rise in a slight chuckle despite the events of today.

“Well,” he stood up, placing his hands on either side of her shoulders and leaning down so her face was far too close to his neck for comfort. “I’ve been transferred to you. Do I pass the smell test?”

“Ugh,” she turned her head away, “Get off, will ya?”

“Not until you say I smell like a dream,” Isak ordered.

Sonja pushed her hands up on Isak’s chest, but there was barely any force behind them. “Fine,” she dropped her hands, “You smell like a dream.”

He sat back down and propped his feet up on the bed near her knees.

Sonja took a breath, then, “You know, I’ve been keeping tabs on you over the years.”

Isak just looked at her.

“And Even, too,” Sonja continued. Isak’s heart began pounding.

“Oh,” Isak said, twiddling his thumbs across his stomach, trying to keep his cool. “And what do you hear about Even?”

Sonja sighed again, reaching for her water. Isak let her get it herself. “That he’s done his second donation, too and apparently he’s doing really well on it. _Apparently_ , he’s in better shape than some after their first donation.”

Isak kept a straight face as he processed the news. Inside he felt as if he was vibrating. Relief coursed through his veins at the realization that he wasn’t in as bad shape as Sonja. “Good ol’ Even. I’m not surprised.”

Sonja nodded. For a moment, Isak considered asking more about him. He wanted any information she could give him.

“Are you surprised at me?” she asked, looking him in the eye, trying to gauge his answer before he gave it. When he didn’t speak after a beat, Sonja did it for him. “I suppose I look a bit broken, Isak.”

It was true. But it wasn’t just her body that looked broken down and ready to complete. Her eyes lacked that ferocity he’d once seen burning there. Technically nothing about her was broken, save for maybe her spirit. He still couldn’t answer her and she sighed.

“It’s okay,” she spoke flatly, “I don’t think I want to survive my third donation anyway.”

Isak was confused, “No?”

“You hear things, don’t you? Not particularly nice things. You know. Like how maybe after your fourth donation, even though you’ve technically completed, you’re still conscious in some sort of way.” She sipped her water again, “And then you find out there are more donations, plenty of them. Then no more recovery centers. No more carers.”

She paused. Her eyes no longer on Isak’s, then unfocused on some part of her blanket covered legs, “Just watching. And waiting. Until they switch you off.”

She finally looked up at him, like she’d just been pulled from a daydream, “I don’t really want that.”

Isak didn’t know how to answer her. All he could think to offer was, “No one wants you to suffer.” _Not even me_ went unsaid.

She softly smiled at that, but there was no joy or relief to it. Instead, she changed topics, “Isak. I think I’ve thought about you every day for the last few months, hoping I’d see you again.”

Isak smiled, “Thanks, Sonja.”

“You know, I felt sure that I would. It just. It just seemed impossible that I’d complete without seeing you one last time.”

Isak leaned forward to take her hand and she surprisingly let him. She didn’t even flinch. “It’s not the last time, Sonja. I’m here to care for you now.”

“Well,” Sonja looked down at their joined hands, “I suppose we have a lot to talk about then.”

“I suppose we do,” Isak agreed.

She leaned her head back against the pillow. “For now, I’m tired though. I think I need some rest.”

Isak figured she was right, judging by the looks of her. “I’ll be here in the morning,” he promised.

 

 

Curating the information out of Sonja took longer than Isak had expected. Despite her relatively kind demeanor of the last eleven days of being her carer, he was still careful. If he showed too much interest in Even, he worried she’d never tell him where he was because she _could_ be that cruel.

Isak hadn’t forgotten.

It was on a Sunday, January 28th, that Sonja surprised Sonja with kindness.

He was peeling an orange, prying apart the slices and dabbing them on a cloth so the extra juices ran over before handing the wedges one by one to her.

“I always knew you’d be a good carer,” Sonja told him.

Isak narrowed his eyes skeptically, sticking his tongue out between his teeth in concentration.

“Okay, okay, you were always a grump,” she admitted.

Isak smiled.

“If anything, you care too much,” Sonja huffed.

“How do you figure?” he asked back, not hiding his attitude.

“You never put yourself first.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Isak scoffed, “I’m not selfish enough?”

She waved an orange slice in her hand in dismissal, “Too hard to explain, but your donors are very lucky, alright?”

Isak started peeling away on another orange.

“I’ve heard Nissen’s closed,” Sonja spoke up.

Isak nodded, “Elvebakken, too.” He’d heard it through the grape vine.

“Look, I was lying away last night and I suddenly had the thought that we should take a trip together,” Sonja said.

“Oh? A trip? Where?”

“I hadn’t really thought where. I just thought a trip would be nice. Last time we took a trip wasn’t very good. So why don’t we fix that?” Sonja offered.

“Do you know of anywhere you want to go?” Isak asked.

“Well, one of the boys on the floor was talking about this place. It’s near the Bergen recovery center.”

Isak knew immediately. In Straume, there was a small beach where a rusted old boat had been lying in the rocky sand. “Is it the boat? On the beach?”

“Ah, so you’ve heard of it, too.”

Isak had. A boat had been stranded on the beach, far inland from the tide during a storm. Everyone had wanted to see it, to get a glimpse of the power of the sea. Truthfully, the image had depressed Isak. He could thing of few things worse than something being stuck where it wasn’t meant to be.

He nodded, “From one of the other carers. She was transferred to Stavanger from Bergen about a year and a half ago.”

Sonja hummed. “And, do you suppose, if we drive all the way there, we could see Even?”

Isak looked up from the orange, letting the sticky juices run over his fingers.

“He’s in Bergen,” Sonja spoke.

Isak stared at her dumbfounded. He’s alive. He’s well. He’s five and half hours away. Isak wanted to cry he was so happy. He felt his eyes tearing up and Sonja tore her gaze from him.  

Sonja laughed lightly, reaching for more orange, “I told you I’d been keeping tabs on you.”

“Have you seen him?” Isak asked. His voice was hushed, like if anyone were to hear their conversation, it suddenly wouldn’t be real.

“No,” Sonja told him, “Not since the Cottages.”

“Neither have I,” Isak answered quickly.

A moment of silence passed between them before Sonja broke it with a trembling voice, “You’ve always been a good friend, Isak.”

“Thank you, Sonja.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t.”

 

_February 1990_

It took only nine days for Sonja’s request for a trip to be approved and for Isak to square things away with Even’s carer.

Isak was nervous. He and Sonja were setting out for Bergen at 8:00, but his mind wouldn’t let him focus. He had spent his entire afternoon the day before at the Blue Bird, reading, drinking coffee, and talking with Eskild on his breaks.

“So, you’re going to see your old high school flame, huh?” Eskild encouraged, nudging his elbow against Isak’s.

Isak nodded slightly, sipping his coffee.

“Are things okay between you two?” he asked him.

Isak didn’t know. He shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Are you at least happy to see him?” Eskild asked, quieter that time as he had placed a hand on Isak’s shoulder.

“I feel like my heart’s in my mouth,” Isak sighed.

“Trust me, I think your heart is exactly where it wants to be, sweetheart. Trust it,” Eskild assured him.

Regardless of Eskild’s encouraging words the day before, Isak’s mind was running a mile a minute as he and Sonja drove up the coast.

“Isak! Isak! Are you even listening to me?” she shouted.

It jolted Isak from his thoughts, “Honestly, no. I’m sorry.”

“What’s up with you?” she asked and Isak nearly wanted to scoff.

He gave her a look that said _you of all people would know what’s up with me_.

It seemed to work because her next words were softer and almost assuring, “He’s going to be happy to see you.”

“You don’t know that,” Isak chided.

Sonja was quiet for a moment, almost long enough for Isak to resume working himself into a panic. But then, “He fell apart when you left, you know?”

Isak swallowed thickly.

“He told me he thought you broke him,” Sonja whispered.

Isak wanted to cry, he huffed out a laugh that sounded too much like a sob, “He left me. He broke me!”

“Isak,” she started.

“He had _you_.”

Sonja shook her head slightly and bit at her tearing cuticle. She spoke so softly that at first Isak thought he was imagining things, “We both know I was never going to be enough.”

He didn’t have it in him to respond. He had to focus on the road ahead. The remainder of the drive passed by in uncomfortable silence that faded to something somewhat bearable, only interrupted by Sonja’s occasional coughs.

When Isak pulled off the main road, Sonja perked up. They both knew they were close, two kilometers from the recovery center.

“How will we find him?” Sonja perked up.

“His carer said he’ll be waiting outside,” Isak explained, the lump in his throat growing larger.

As soon as they pulled in through the gates, Isak’s chest tightened with warmth and his stomach dropped. He was suddenly transported to 1982. He could see him, dressed in four shades of brown on his shoes, pants, shirt, and coat. A black beanie stuck out from his coat pocket. He walked around in a circle, shifting on his feet with his head hanging low. Just looking at him and Isak felt like Even had just set that cassette tape in his hands moments ago.

He came to a stop in the parking lot, only twenty or so paces from where Even still stood oblivious, his hair flopping soft on his head as he shifted. Sonja was either short on breath or gasping when she spoke, “Look, there he is.”

Isak had no words. Even’s head shot up suddenly as if he’d heard Sonja. He squinted and looked directly at them in the car. Isak’s heart was racing.

“Do you think he’s recognized us through the glass?” Sonja asked, turning to Isak. He unbuckled his seatbelt, fingers trembling. “No, no, no,” Sonja pleaded, “Let’s not get out.” Her nerves had betrayed her voice.

Isak couldn’t be stopped though. He shut the door behind him. His ears were ringing as he somehow walked directly for Even – eyes wide and blue staring right into him.

He had a look on his face like he wasn’t quite sure it was real. He blinked rapidly and Isak’s mouth upturned into a smile. He wasn’t breathing, but he didn’t care. Even hands touched his shoulders first, like he was verifying Isak wasn’t some kind of apparition.

Isak finally let himself breathe when his chest collided with Even’s in a forceful hug. Even hugged him tight, hands gripping Isak’s shoulder blades. Isak couldn’t find his words. Just when he thought that maybe this was all some wonderful dream that would hurt to wake up from, Even spoke his name. He spoke his name and Isak could have sworn Even’s voice was dipped in honey. He hadn’t heard his voice in years, but it hadn’t changed at all. Isak breathed in deep – lemongrass and cherry.

Just before Isak was going to let himself cry, he spoke to Even, “Sonja’s in the car.”

“Oh, right,” Even pulled away. He jogged over to the car to open the passenger door. Sonja had been right. Despite two donations, Even looked as though he was in the best shape of his life.

“Hey! Hi!” Even waved as he jogged over.

Sonja shifted awkwardly in her seat, not getting out of the car, but hugging him carefully and accepting a friendly kiss on her cheek.

Isak swallowed as Even got into the backseat.

The drive to the boat was beautiful. Trees on either side of the road often opened up into great meadows. Isak listened to Sonja and Even talk on and on about their donations and the carers they’d met as well as other patients. Isak couldn’t help glancing up into the rearview mirror to see Even’s smiling face every minute or so.

A lull in their conversation arrived and Even hung his head, laughing slightly to grab their attentions. “I can’t quite believe that I have you both here.”

Isak stared straight ahead as Sonja waited for him to continue.

“Does it feel to you like we’re back at Nissen? Like no time has passed?” he asked.

Isak cleared his throat and looked at Even through the mirror, “No it doesn’t.”

“No! It doesn’t at all, does it!?” Even agreed vivaciously. “It really doesn’t at all. It’s really weird.” He laughed and leaned forward to press his chest against the back of Isak’s seat, “But a good weird I think.”

Sonja fell completely silent at that. Her smile faded.

Even continued, “I don’t suppose you both heard that Nissen has closed?”

Even took their silence for agreement. “The only schools left, I mean, I heard they aren’t even like schools anymore. Like battery farms or something.”

Isak didn’t say anything. The thought horrified him.

“I’m sure it’s just stories,” Even cleared up, “Just exaggerations, you know?”

Sonja had grown impatient, “Are you sure we’re going the right way, Isak?”

“I think so,” Isak replied. “There should be a turn up here soon.”

“Master of navigation,” Even grinned.

Sure enough, there was a turn just around the bend. The road became rockier as they went and the tree line receded behind them until they pulled up to a grassy hill the car couldn’t have tackled.

“I suppose we’ll need to walk from here,” Isak looked to Sonja.

“Ohh, I’m not sure. No one said anything about this,” she was nervous.

“Relax, Sonja. I’ve been here. It’s an easy trek,” Even comforted. He jumped out of the car and opened her door to help her to her feet.

What Even deemed an easy trek seemed to be a marathon to Sonja. They each walked on either side of her, supporting her by her arms as she breathed laboriously but consistently. Even smiled at Isak from over Sonja’s drooped head and Isak felt his face flush warm.

Once they reached the crest, Isak steadied Even as he let go of Sonja. He ran forward, straight for the boat resting in the rocky sand. It was then Isak caught the first glance of his limp he hadn’t noticed before. It sent a wave of pain through his chest, knowing Even was no longer whole.

Isak settled Sonja into the soft sand and sat with her while they watched Even climb all over the metal playground.

“He’s always had too much energy,” Sonja scoffed.

“Not always.”

They didn’t talk as they listened to the waves roll in beyond the boat.

A few minutes later, Even seemed to have had his fill of fun as he started walking back to Isak and Sonja. Isak half expected him to sit between them, but when he plopped down on the space next to him, the distance between Isak and Sonja seemed to grow bigger. Even crossed his legs criss-cross-apple-sauce as Miss Julie had taught them years ago and as a result, his knee rested warmly on Isak’s thigh. Even pulled the beanie over his ears, forcing his blond tufts into his eyes and Isak could help but notice how pink Even’s cheek and nose had become. It made him look impossibly younger.

Sonja coughed quietly.

“Do you ever hear, Isak, about any of the students from Nissen? Do you ever wonder where Marcus or Sara are?”

“Sometimes, yeah,” Isak nodded with a shrug.

Even licked his lips. “Sonja told me about Vilde. I’m really sorry, Isak.”

Isak shook his head, avoiding Even’s clear eyes, “It’s not your fault.”

Even looked forward out onto the beach, “I heard Ingrid completed on her first donation.”

Sonja perked up at that with a scoff, “I think that happens more than they ever tell us.”

“Hmm,” Even nodded. “Well, there was this guy at my care center, who was, he was always really scared of completing on the first donation.” He paused to collect his thoughts and Isak’s immediately went to Mahdi.

Even went on, “But it was all fine. And he’s just come through his third one now and he’s you know, completely all right.” He dug his hands into his pockets and turned his shoulders to smile at them.

Isak couldn’t help but softly smile up at him. Even was still optimistic.

“It’s funny,” Even laughed, “I don’t think. Well, no. I know I wouldn’t have been a very good carer. I mean, nothing like you Isak. But in a way, I’m actually a really good donor.” He lifted up his arm to flex and slapped the muscle, “Still going strong!”

Sonja flat out snickered and Isak’s smile dropped off his face. He could almost hear it plunk into the sand. “That’s what we’re supposed to be isn’t it?”

Isak didn’t know what to say and for the first time all afternoon, neither did Even. He’d been trying so hard to be positive and Sonja, frail and broken Sonja, still managed to smother every ounce of it.

After a beat of silence, Sonja shifted in the sand but still stared out at the water. She breathed in deep and her voice wavered as she spoke, “I’d like you to forgive me.” Isak never thought he’d hear the words come from her lips.

Isak and Even looked over to her at the same time.

“I don’t expect you to.”

“Forgive you for what?” Isak prodded.

Sonja cleared her throat and shook her head as she squeezed her eyes shut. She stilled herself to look into Isak’s eyes, “For keeping you and Even apart.”

Isak couldn’t speak.

“It should have been you two together,” Sonja admitted. “I always knew it. As far back as I can remember.”

Even shifted uncomfortably next to Isak. Isak hand fisted the sand between them.

“It wasn’t just because of the rumors about deferrals,” Sonja explain, pain in her voice, “It was because I was jealous.” She drew her legs up to her chest and settled her chin between her bony knees. “You had real love and I didn’t, and I didn’t want to be the one that was left alone.”

Isak quickly wiped at the tear that trickled down his cheek.

“It’s the worst thing I ever did,” Sonja said in defeat. “And now I wanted to make it right.”

Even sighed, “I don’t know how you can do that, Sonja.” It was the first time Isak glimpsed Even’s pessimism.

“I can,” Sonja insisted. “If you two get a deferral.”

Isak blinked quickly, finding his voice, “It’s too late for that.” He shook his head, “It’s _way_ too late. It’s stupid to even think about it.”

“It isn’t too late,” she begged. She fished around in her pocket, “Look, you’ll see, both of you. I wanted to do this trip because I had something I wanted to give you.” She stretched her hand out to Isak, a folded up piece of paper flapping in the sea breeze.

Isak turned his head from her, unable to look at her.

She shook her hand, “It’s Madam’s address.” Even’s head shot to her hand. “That’s who you apply to. That’s who you have to go and see.” Isak didn’t watch as Even took the paper.

“How did you even get this?” Even asked.

“I’ve had years to think about what I did, It wasn’t right and I’m so so sorry,” she pleaded. “I needed to try to make it right.”

Isak glanced down at the paper, eyes skimming Sonja’s familiar handwriting. “Thank you,” Isak finally managed.

He felt Even’s hand dig his out from the sand. He twisted their fingers together, the coarse tiny rocks almost making it painful. Isak’s chest unwound and he felt himself falling backward like fell backward on the bed those years ago even though he was completely still. He breathed a sigh, a painful, tired one he’d been harboring for years.

He no longer felt his heart was in his mouth. It was in Even’s, and his teeth had already sunken in.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't promise when the next update will be. All I can do is tell you I hope it's soon.


	15. You think it didn't hurt to leave you that day?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even brushed his fingers across Isak’s cheeks and it made Isak gasp, “You’re the only man who has ever touched me.” He lifted his hand to where Even’s was resting against his cheek, “You’re the only one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, two updates in less than 24 hours. I literally started writing this as soon as I published the last chapter, so there's probably a lot of mistakes. oops.

 

 

 

_February 1990 cont’d._

Seeing the person you’ve always loved for the first time after being apart feels like floating. Isak’s sure of it. His feet barely touch the ground as they walk back to the car and his lungs felt filled with what seemed to be more than air.

It’s not until they’re almost back to the center that Isak’s survival instincts kick in and he abruptly feels himself come down from this high. He didn’t realize just how much he’d closed back in on himself until Even reached for his hand from the passenger seat. On instinct, Isak pulled away, placing both hands firmly on the steering wheel. “Isak?” Even tried to talk to him.

It’s settling in his stomach all over again. The pain and the hurt and the anger. He can hear Eva’s voice. _Love shouldn’t hurt, kiddo._ Jonas’ voice. _There’s nothing we can do._ Emma’s. _I’m going to complete and have never been in love._ Jakob’s. _I’m sorry, Isak._ Sonja’s. _Although Even really likes you as a friend, he just can’t see you that way._ Eskild’s. _What’s going on sweetheart?_ And even though Isak’s never heard him speak it, Even’s words, _Did you ever love me?_

Even moved to turn on the music in the car and Isak’s warning comes out choked and quiet, “Don’t.”

At first Isak felt like he couldn’t find his heart, but there’s an aching in his chest and he remembered it was nestled right between Even’s teeth. The gnashing and the tearing and the ripping is almost too much.

He doesn’t quite know if he’s breathing when he pulls into the parking space. He feels like he’s underwater, Sonja and Even’s words on concern bogged down and reduced by the crushing anxiety.

Isak can hear Even unbuckling as Isak steps out of the car. His feet find the ground faster than he anticipated and then he’s stumbling, hands out to catch himself.

Even’s hands found his forearms, but Isak clenched his eyes shut, “Don’t touch me!”

“Isak!” Even’s trying to touch Isak but Isak keeps shoving him away. “You need to breathe.”

“Isak,” Sonja’s out of the car now, “Isak I’m so sorry.”

“Stop!” Isak yelled wrenching free from both of them. “I don’t forgive you!”

“Isak,” Sonja cried.

“No! It’s my turn. I get to be upset now. _You_ ruined my life!” Isak pointed at her. “You ruined my life and now that you’re dying you want my forgiveness!”

“And you!” Isak turned to Even, eyes blurring with tears, “You broke me. You broke me, Even.” His voice cracked on the name. “You abandoned me and then, you come back, and you go back to her!?” His heart was racing and he felt like he did in Eskild’s arms in the bathtub last month.

“Isak,” Even reached forward, reaching for his face.

“No! It hurts too much.” Isak sobbed and crouched down, clutching his stomach, “It hurts too much!”

Then everything went black.

 

When Isak woke up, all he could feel was a firm pressure around his left hand. It took him minutes before he can open his eyes, but when he does, his chest tightens all over again. He pulled his hand away from Even’s.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Isak croaked, throat dry and cracked.

“Like what?” Even handed him a water.

Isak took a few gulps before Even chastised him, “Slowly.”

“Like you love me,” Isak answers.

The smallest smile played on Even’s lips, “But I do.”

Isak’s eyes burn, but he doesn’t have enough strength to argue. “What happened?”

“You had a panic attack,” Even explained. “You worked yourself up too much, stopped breathing, and collapsed out in the lot.”

“Oh,” Isak gulped. “Is that all?” He was in the hospital bed and Even was sitting next to him. He felt as if he’d fallen into one of their parallel universes. “Is this universe where you’re the carer?”

“No,” Even grabbed his hand and Isak reluctantly let him. “You’re still a carer, just not Sonja’s.”

“No?”

“No. You’re mine now.”

“What?” Isak coughed, “But how?”

“We requested new carers at the same time. So they just switched you with mine. Soon as you’re feeling better, you can drive us home,” Even explained.

“Home?”

“Stavanger. Your center. I can continue my donations there,” Even reached over to the table and handed Isak his file. “This is me.”

Isak shook his head, “You couldn’t wait until I was conscious to make this decision?”

“Isak,” Even sighed, “Sonja was adamant about a new carer. I couldn’t let you go. I couldn’t lose you again.”

“Stop,” Isak sniffled.

“What?” Even asked, confused, “Stop what, Isak?”

“Stop acting like you’re the one who lost someone, Even!”

“But I did lose you,” Even started.

“No. Even. You had me. You had all of me, but _you_ left.”

“What do you want me to say, Isak?” Even huffed, “I’m sorry I have a broken brain? I’m sorry I didn’t want to keep hurting you? I’m sorry I let the doctors control me? I’m sorry I tried to protect you?”

“Wait, wait. Stop.”

“I love you, Isak. I, Even B, love you Isak. Miss Julie taught me that when you love someone you put them first, no matter how much it hurts you. You think it didn’t hurt to leave you that day? I couldn’t keep hurting you.”

“Don’t you think that was my decision to make?” Isak asked, the anger receding from his voice.

“Isak, I was sick,” Even dropped his head. “I wanted to be better. I wanted to be good for you.”

“I always thought you were good, Even,” Isak softened.

Even nodded, unable to meet Isak’s eyes for the first time.

Isak squeezed his hand, “Will you tell me about the doctors?”

“They told me it was dangerous to love you. That if I kept loving you, my brain would never be better and that you could get sick. For a while, I thought what we did that day might have been wrong. I told one doctor everything and he told me I wasn’t good because of the bad things we did.”

Isak inhaled sharply. “When I asked you if what we were doing was wrong, you said you didn’t know.” Isak had known what it felt like to be told he was wrong for loving Even, but all those voices had been in his head. He couldn’t imagine what it must have felt like for Even’s voices to be real.

Even shook his head, raising his eyes to Isak’s, “Nothing had ever felt more right than being with you.” His voice was shaky. “Jakob helped me to understand that.”

“Even,” Isak swallowed, “How can I believe you when you went right back to Sonja?”

“I was scared,” Even cried. “I thought I would lose my mind again if I let myself have you. I didn’t want to hurt you. But Sonja. She just. I think when I was with her, she learned how to be angry from me. And so it was just easy. You were never angry, Isak. Never. And I didn’t want to make you angry. I didn’t even know if you loved me.”

“How could you not know?” Isak didn’t understand.

“It’s not like you ever told me,” Even answered. “I told you all the time and you could never tell me.”

Isak blinked away tears.

“Anyway,” Even shook his head. “My plan didn’t work. I still went crazy. And there’s nothing I can do to change that right now. We’ve lost so much time already. Now, I just worry I’m going to go off again or my next donation will be my last.”

“You’re not a bomb,” Isak stopped him.

Even wiped his tears.

“I always loved you, Even,” Isak spoke quietly.

Even’s eyes matched his, glossy and red. “And now?”

“I can’t remember a time when I haven’t. And I know I’ll never stop. My love for you will never let me go. All I ever did was love you,” he squeezed Even’s hand harder.

“Baby,” Even leaned forward. He guided Isak’s chin up with his large, warm hand and pressed his lips to Isak’s.

Isak’s heart burst. Even's lips were home. He chased Even’s lips as he pulled away, but Even didn’t go far. He rested his forehead against Isak’s, noses bumping.

Even brushed his fingers across Isak’s cheeks and it made Isak gasp, “You’re the only man who has ever touched me.” He lifted his hand to where Even’s was resting against his cheek, “You’re the only one.”

“I love you,” Even breathed before crashing their lips together once more.

Isak pulled him on top of him, shifting over in the narrow bed to make room. Even pulled him against his chest, cradling Isak’s head in his arms. Isak kissed gently at his neck and wrapped his arms around Even’s back. “Don’t let me go.”

“Never,” Even promised. Isak yawned and Even carded his fingers through Isak’s hair, his pulse in his neck strong and steady against Isak’s cheek. “Get some sleep, Isak. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

As if it was magic, sleep found Isak again.

 

 

_May 1990_

It was May by the time Isak and Even could go back to Stavanger. Isak had been feeling better within a few days of his panic attack, but the Stavanger recovery center had been at fully occupied as soon as Sonja transferred to Bergen. By mid-May, a spot had opened up and Isak and Even could return.

The drive back hadn’t felt nearly as long as the drive up months ago, not with Even holding Isak’s hand and singing along to the music. Isak laughed more in the past few months than he had in the past few years. Before they left, they had told Sonja that they would be trying for the deferral once they settled in in Stavanger. She hadn’t looked particularly happy to hear the news, but she assured them it was just because she wasn’t feeling well. She wished them long lives. In June, they would receive a letter notifying them of her completion.

Their plans of a deferral had been abruptly changed however on Even’s first night in Stavanger. His original had gone missing. Suffering from a manic episode, he had left his home in the middle of the night and hadn’t returned yet. When Isak explained the news to Even, Even fell quiet.

“What is it?” Isak asked, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Is it bad that part of me hopes he’s dead?” Even spoke quietly. “Maybe then I wouldn’t have to do this anymore.”

“I’m sure others have hoped for worse,” Isak answered.

Even was ordered to stay put until his original had been found. If he were to be found in critical condition, they would need Even exactly where he was – in a hospital room, directly below the operations wing of the center.

Even spent most of his days drawing in his room as Isak read aloud to him. On his second official day of being Even’s carer, Isak had been surrounded by drawings familiar to him from his childhood. However, these drawings had a certain skill and art to them that jumped out at him. Even had spread them out all over the floor, hundreds of drawings of strange creatures made of intricate patterns. Mostly elephants and giraffes covered the pages.

“What do you think?” Even had asked. “I realized pretty quickly that if we were ever going to apply together, I would need to bring _something_ , some kind of artwork. I started doing them the day after we all went to look for Sonja’s original.”

Isak looked across the pages. They were amazing.

“I’ve drawn hundreds of them over the years. I really need your help though. We have to pick the best stuff, okay?”

“They’re amazing, Even. Really, really good.”

“What? Really?” he almost didn’t believe him. Isak remembered how no one really appreciated Even’s artwork at Nissen.

“Of course,” Isak replied.

“Thank you,” Even smiled. “I’ve never shown anyone them until now.”

Isak looked up from the drawings. “They were my secret,” Even explained. “Just like you and those porno magazines.”

Isak shook his head with a laugh, “You remember that?” He cleared his throat, “Sonja said you didn’t understand what I was doing.”

“No,” Even said quickly, “I don’t think _she_ understood what you were doing.”

“No?” Isak was caught off guard.

Even nodded, “She thought you were looking at the dirty pictures in order to find out about sex.” He sighed like he was irritated, “To you know, find out what you were missing out on or something.”

Sonja had been wrong. “But I knew,” Even clarified, “I knew you were looking for your original,” he shrugged, like it was the simplest answer.

Isak nodded, his face flushing pink, “I used to have these huge urges to have sex sometimes. Sometimes they’d be so powerful, I thought I’d just combust. So I thought that had to tell me something. You know, about what kind of person I’d been modelled on.” Isak shook his head, “It’s stupid, but I guessed the magazines would be the most likely place I would find him.”

Even’s voice was strained with how sorry he felt for Isak. “You know those urges were natural right? You know everybody had them. You know that _now_ , right?”

Isak looked back down at the drawing in his hands, comforted by Even’s validation. He nodded, unable to meet his eyes. “These really are good you know.”  

So Even continued through most of his stay in Stavanger to draw in Isak’s company. At some point, Isak had no idea when, Even stopped drawing elephants and giraffes and started drawing Isak. He had hid them from him at first, worried what he would think. Of course Isak had been embarrassed by them at first. And then when Even showed him the very first one he drew of Isak and saw it was dated back to March 1986, his heart swelled with love.  

Most nights Isak would read to him until Even fell asleep. He would crawl in bed next to him and wake up before the attending nurse came in to check on them in the morning.

Even’s favorite had become _A Light in the Attic_. On this night, Even didn’t draw as Isak read. He laid back and listened, his hands tucked under the pillow supporting his head, eyes wide and ears listening. Isak read aloud:

 _“Each time I see the Upside-Down Man_  
 _Standing in the water,_  
 _I look at him and start to laugh,_  
 _Although I shouldn’t_ oughtter _._  
 _For maybe in another world_  
 _Another time_  
 _Another town,_  
 _Maybe HE is right side up_  
 _And I am upside down.”_

Even smiled softly as Isak looked up at him after finishing the poem, “It’s like the parallel universes.”

Isak closed the book softly and set it on the bedside table, “What parallel universe would you like to be in right now?”

“Hmm,” Even sighed. “Right now, there’s an Isak and Even lying just like this.”

Isak cocked his head, “Like what?”

“Come here, I’ll show you,” Even gestured for him to join him on the bed.

Isak settled in and Even guided his head to his chest as Isak wrapped an arm around his torso. “Like this?” Isak asked with a deep sigh.

Even nodded, “Like this,” he carded his fingers through his hair.

“Except, we’re not in a hospital room. We’re in our bedroom. We live in Oslo.”

“Oslo? What’s in Oslo?” Isak asked.

Even kissed his forehead, “A whole other world, baby.”

Isak hummed, “I like this. What else.”

“In that parallel universe, you go to school. You’re in college. You study science.”

“Mmm, and you’re a struggling artist, _and_ you have both of your kidneys.”

“Struggling?” Even scoffed.

“Of course. You live for the drama of it.”

“Alright, alright,” Even conceded.

“Jonas and Eva came for dinner tonight,” Isak continued.

“We cooked one of Jakob’s recipes, but we couldn’t quite get it right, so we ordered pizza and beer instead.”

“Yeah,” Isak laughed, “Seems right.”

“And after dinner, Jonas and Eva left, and you lead me here, to our bed,” Even added, his hand slipping down Isak’s back and settling at the small of it. Isak’s breath hitched.

“Oh, I did, did I?” Isak asked, grazing his nails across Even’s shoulder, sneaking his fingers beneath the sleeve.

“You did,” Even said, voice breathy and quiet. “And we’re naked right now because we made love until we were too tired to get up.”

Isak moaned, snuggling closer to Even’s warm body. He wanted to be as close as possible to Even, in every sense of the word. “Kiss me,” he begged.

Even’s lips were on his before he could take another breath, tongue dancing lightly against his. Even pulled his body on top of his, pressing their chests close together. Isak straddled him and in his movements nudged his scar. Even winced. Isak pulled back, horrified, “Even, I’m sorry!”

“Come here,” Even dismissed the pain, pulling Isak down by his neck to kiss him deeply again.

“I love you so much,” Isak breathed into his mouth. He grinded carefully against him, eliciting a soft moan from Even who was already half-hard against him. He moved his lips over to his ear, hands splayed across Even’s chest. “I want you so bad. I want to make love, Even.”

Even’s breaths came out faster, “I want you, too. _Isak_ ,” he groaned as Isak’s teeth nibbled at his neck. He started moving further down, pressing up Even’s shirt as he went. “Isak wait,” Even grabbed both of his wrists, “No.”

Isak didn’t understand, “Why?”

“We can’t. Not like this. Look where we are,” Even explained, pain in his eyes. True enough, they were still in the close confines of a hospital room in the recovery center.

Isak groaned and fell to the side in defeat. He was completely frustrated, but Even was right. A nurse could walk in at any moment and they didn’t have everything they would need. For the first time, he was very thankful for the awkward conversation Eskild had forced them to have a few days after his Christmas party about safe sex. Even though they knew they didn’t need condoms, lube was a good idea.

“It’s not fair,” Isak complained.

“We’ll do it right, okay?” Even promised, “We’ll take a trip and it will be perfect, alright?”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Even kissed him. “You don’t need to be sorry.”

Isak fell asleep to the sensation of Even drawing pictures on his back with his finger.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've finally put a count on chapters. I'm torn between staying true to the novel/film on the ending or writing my own deux ex machina style ending. Let me know what you think about that if you'd like to.


	16. We're here now.

 

 

_June 1991_

Even had been moved from one of the two-bed hospital rooms to a room reserved for donors close to completion. These rooms in the hospice wing were like movie sets. Furniture and framed photographs and wallpaper. It was like a false house. None of it felt right to Isak. Even wasn’t close to completion. There was no original to donate to, not for months. Even requested live-in care almost immediately. Isak’s things from his apartment were moved into the room and a small and uncomfortable bed had been wheeled in.

Even’s original had been gone for over a year. In the middle of the night, he left his home and didn’t come back. That’s all they had been told. Meanwhile Even was kept in the same quiet room, only allowed the occasional walk in the garden at the center. With the snow outside in the winter, those walks became few and far between. And when the sun returned in the summer, Isak realized winter had taken a permanent residence in their small little room. Even was not permitted to leave, not when there could be an emergency any minute. He was someone else’s organs. They were essentially snowed in. Any dreams they had of applying for deferrals stayed just that for now. Dreams. Some nights in Isak’s dreams, nightmares. The fear of rejection easily slipped in when his guard was down.

One afternoon in June of 1990, Isak asked one of the senior staff members what would happen if Even’s original had been found dead. Whatever hope they had foolishly harbored of being free from this predetermined life dissipated instantly when Isak found out that if Even’s original had been found dead, his body’s organs would immediately be harvested and given to those at the top of the National Donor Program’s donor list. Just like that, he would complete with almost no warning. It left Isak on edge and when he finally told Even when they still hadn’t found his original after four months in September of 1990, his blue eyes seemed to dissolve of their energy, shading and becoming unsaturated with the passing weeks into a frail gray-blue.

There was a yellow armchair in the corner of the hospital room. It was positioned on a soft yellow rug, facing the only window. The first time Even sat in the chair, he called it comfortable. “It’s good for thinking,” he’d told Isak.

Then Isak found Even could spend entire afternoons in that chair. Time was nothing. Even’s eyes would look out through the glass. Isak could never tell if he was looking at the fountain of the garden, the birds in the trees, the other patients wandering about. Most of the time it seemed Even was looking at nothing at all.

“What are you looking at?” Isak would ask from the edge of his bed. Most times, Even wouldn’t hear him until Isak asked a second or third time.

“Nothing, just thinking,” was usually the reply.

In the mornings, sat up in bed and eating his oatmeal, Even would eye the chair beyond Isak’s shoulder as he sat with him. He could tell Even was thinking about it.

“It’ll be there after breakfast,” Isak would assure him.

“I think I’ll just sit for a bit,” Even would decide, clambering up from the hospice bed and taking his seat in the chair. Hours later, the chair would still have Even.

Isak could feel him slipping away. He was going to spend the rest of his life in that chair if Isak’s didn’t do something.

One day he tried to entice Even with a visit to the media room. The attendants were playing the _Star Wars_ trilogy. “We can’t miss it, Even,” Isak implored.

They had made it down to the room and Even was sitting uncomfortably on the brown couch waiting for the first film to begin. He shook his head slightly and stood, Isak standing with him immediately. “I’d like to go back to our room now,” Even said softly. They walked back and Even immediately went to the chair, empty eyes staring out the window.

At night when Even was sleeping, Isak would sit up in bed, turn on a lamp, and write in the blank book Eskild had given him for Christmas. The pages were filled with memories. Memories of his times at Nissen, with Even and Sonja. And Vilde, sweet Vilde. He wrote of Jakob’s pies and Jonas’ eyes and Eva’s laugh. He scribbled down every detail he could remember about Emma. Emma’s hair. Emma singing. Emma’s hands moving in the soil next to his. The sound of Mutta chewing gum. The taste of syrup on waffles. The warmth from a steaming cup of hazelnut coffee. Throughout these memories were requests, silently written, the ink blurred from tear stains.

_Please, let him live._

_Please, let him smile today._

_Please, let him get up from that chair._

_Please, let him feel my love._

He never really knew who he was addressing. In a way, it didn’t matter. Those wants and those please became like the others – memories. Memories, even the most precious ones, fade surprisingly quickly. But Isak didn’t go along with that. Isak remembered everything. He couldn’t ever see them fading.

But Even was fading. His movements were slow, his breaths labored, his eyes heavy. Despite the excellent recoveries he had made, the man Isak loved was dying. They were killing his spirit.

Sometimes Isak got so worked up in the night thinking about what Even’s original had left behind. He wondered if he had become a father just like he had predicted when they were sixteen. He wondered if he was a struggling artist. He wondered what he had left behind, if he had ever torn apart his artwork like Even did when they were nine. He wondered if he knew the greatest work of art he’d ever produced was lying there next to Isak, being slowly torn apart. It was moments like these when the writing didn’t help and the only thing that did was Even’s arms around him.

He’d abandon his bed and take the two steps between their beds to crawl under the covers of Even’s, uncaring if one of the attending nurses walked in. He’d pull Even’s long arms around his body while he slept and hug and grip him tightly until he woke up. Even’s arms would tighten around him, his palm rubbing firmly against his back, his hand tucking Isak’s head against his neck, his chapped lips dragging across his forehead, his sleep-tired voice whispered, “We’re here now.”

Isak didn’t want just now. He wanted forever. He would give up everything just to have him forever.

_Please, just weld us together. Make me his and make him mine. Don’t let me go._

“Please, don’t let me go,” Isak whispered back in the night. It was his most used prayer.

Even would grip him tighter despite his waning energy over the past year and twist their legs together, pulling him closer, pulling his body into his own, “We’re here now, Isak,” Even would repeat, ever careful to avoid promises he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep.

 

 

_August 1991_

“A Stavanger local has been asking for you for months at the hospital. You know the rules. You weren’t supposed to make any lasting connections, Isak V,” the administrator spoke with admonishment.

They’d pulled him from the room abruptly.

“We can’t have locals becoming too involved in what we do here. Not since what happened in Trondheim.”

“What happened in Trondheim?” Isak cut in.

The administrator narrowed their eyes, “Nothing you need to worry about. What you should be worrying about is why a local is so determined to speak with you. You should have either never made the connection or continued communication in the most minimal form.”

Eskild. He knew it had to be Eskild.

“I’ll go. I’ll talk to him."

"Remember your duty.”

“How could I forget?” Isak scoffed, shouldering past him.

Even was still sat in the chair, his hair greasy and unkempt, falling into his eyes.

“Even?” Isak stepped up behind him carefully.

Even just turned his head slightly, “I need to leave for a bit, just somewhere in town.”

When he didn’t say anything in reply, Isak pressed on, “Will you be alright, if I’m gone. It’s just an hour or so.”

Even faced back toward the window, “I’ll be here when you come back.”

Isak felt hurt. Even hadn’t even looked him in the eye.

When he turned to leave, he heard Even’s soft voice, “Isak?”

Isak whipped around, he’d stood from the chair. “Yes,” Isak walked over to him quickly, anchoring himself by holding onto his forearms.

Even stared down at their hands and moved them together, “I love you.”

Isak’s breath hitched. “Ohh, Even,” he pulled him in for a tight embrace. “I love you so much.”

“I don’t want to waste away whatever time I have left in that chair,” he announced. Isak could tell he meant it.

Isak pulled back to take Even’s face in his hands, his palms resting on his cheeks, “You won’t.”

He leaned in and kissed him, just a soft brush of lips but a wordless promise to help him leave the chair behind.

“Bring us a new book, would you?” Even asked. “Something about a place far away from here?”

Isak nodded, “I’ll be back soon.”

 

 

 

“Where the fuck have you been?” Eskild nearly leaped over the counter when Isak entered the Blue Bird.

“Eskild –“ Isak started.

“No, you asshole!”

“Eskild!” Astrid shouted from across the café.

Eskild whipped around. “I’m going on break!” he announced, pulling Isak out of the café with his apron still tied around his waist.

“You said you would be back in a few days,” Eskild started.

“Eskild –“

“It’s been a year and half, Isak!” Eskild berated. “A year and a half and no word from you. I thought you fucking died,” he was angry. “I went to the hospital, the fucking hospital! You know how much I hate hospitals and they kept saying you weren’t on shift or you were on vacation. They wouldn’t tell me shit!”

Isak bit his lip, “I’m a private person.”

Eskild stopped in his tracks, glaring at him. “I don’t care that you’re a private person, Isak. You don’t do that shit to a friend.”

Eskild’s eyes were burning with rage. “I even asked for Mahdi. I thought he might know how to contact you.”

Isak dropped his head, his quivering lip giving him away, and clenched his eyes shut, “Mahdi’s dead!”

Isak was losing it. This was not the plan.

Eskild choked on his own fire, “What?” he put his hands on Isak’s shoulders.

“He fucking died,” Isak explained tears streaming down his face. “He died, Eskild. He’s gone. He’s gone and almost everyone I’ve ever cared about is dead and gone, too.”

“Isak, Isak, wait. Isak!” Eskild shouted.

The sobs were violent. They started deep in his chest and spilled from his mouth. Eskild tucked his trembling body under his arm and walked him to the nearest park he could find. They settled on a bench and Isak’s head never left Eskild’s shoulder as all the pain and the sorrow poured out of him.

“Start from the beginning, Isak. You said almost everyone. Is your family okay?” Eskild pressed, “What happened, Isak?”

Isak sniffed and calmed his breathing. He had a tragic thought. If he explained every bad thing that had happened to him to Eskild, he might just break apart completely.

There were a lot of things wrong with what Isak was about to do. And if word somehow got back to the NDP, he didn’t know what could happen to him, but he could guess it wouldn’t be merciful.

“I don’t have a family,” Isak spoke quietly, his hands shaking.

“What?” Eskild nudged him, “I can’t hear you.”

Isak lifted himself up, turning his body to face Eskild and hugging his torso. “I don’t have a family,” he spoke, unable to look his friend in the eyes. “I’ve never had one.”

“I don’t understand?” Eskild dipped his head down, trying to make eye contact. “Are you? Were you an orphan or something?”

Isak shook his head.

Eskild shifted closer to him, nudging his knee, “Isak. Can you look at me?”

Isak very carefully lifted his head and Eskild’s hands found his cheeks, “You can talk to me. You can tell me anything. I’m not going anywhere.”

Isak wiped at the moisture from his eyes, “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

Eskild repeated himself, dropping his hands down to Isak’s, “You can tell me anything, Isak.”

Isak breathed deeply, “I don’t have a family because I wasn’t born from one. I don’t know where I was born. I can’t remember back that far,” he started. “I grew up at a place called Nissen.”

Eskild wasn’t speaking, just holding Isak’s hands. Isak looked up, “Have you heard of Nissen?”

Eskild shook his head, confusion written all over his face and settled deep in his eyes.

“Nissen is a school. I grew up there with Sonja and Vilde and Even.”

“Even?” Eskild asked, knowing the name since that night at his Christmas party.

Isak nodded, “He’s like me, too.”

“What do you mean? Like you, too?” Eskild still wasn’t catching on.

“He’s like me. He doesn’t, uh, he never had a family either. Eskild,” Isak sighed, breathing deeply. “You know about the National Donor Program right?”

“Sort of,” Eskild spoke carefully, still not getting it. “It kind of freaks me out.”

“Freaks you out?” Isak asked quietly.

“Yeah, I mean, you know. They like, grow bodies for organs. It’s kind of fucked up.”

“It is fucked up,” Isak nodded.

“I don’t understand. Why are we talking about it? I thought you were telling me about you?” Eskild pressed on.

Isak swallowed thickly, “But I am.”

“Are what?” Eskild shook his head, dropping Isak’s hands. “Isak, what’s going on.”

“They don’t _grow_ bodies,” Isak explained. “We’re created and we grow up just like you.”

Eskild froze, “Are you…? Isak?”

Isak looked him in the eye, “I was created to donate my organs to my original.”

Eskild ran his hands through his hair, “You? But? How? I mean, I always thought,” he stuttered. Eskild almost looked afraid. Isak worried he wouldn’t understand. He worried he was making a giant mistake trusting Eskild with this information like this. He worried Eskild was suddenly scared of him, that he didn’t care about him anymore.

“What?” Isak asked.

Eskild tentatively lifted his fingers up to Isak’s face, pressing slightly on his cheek, “I didn’t know.”

Isak didn’t understand. He focused on the pressure of Eskild’s finger tips.

“I didn’t know you were like _this_ ,” Eskild explained. “You’re, I didn’t even know.”

“Eskild?”

He stood up from the bench, standing over Isak, “I’ve never met anyone like you, Isak. I didn’t think you would be like this. _Like me_ ,” he explained. “They make it sound so different when we learn about it in school.”

“Different how?” Isak asked, looking up with careful eyes.

“It’s – I don’t know how to explain it. They said it’s ethical. It’s written in law somehow. I don’t understand how this even happened. What the fuck ever happened to human rights?”

“Human rights?” Isak questioned.

“Yeah,” Eskild nodded, “You know, basic human rights. Life, liberty, security? Jesus, this is so fucked up,” he sat back down, “I mean look at you. You’re more human than I am, kid. You read books and love _Star Wars_ and you burn your tongue on coffee because your too impatient to wait. You smile, and you laugh, and you love, and you cry. You feel!”

 _I feel too much_.

As if Eskild were a magician and he’d said the magic words, Isak began to cry. He’d always wondered how such a thing could be allowed to happen to him. How could there be people out there who would support this kind of slaughter? Of course, no one knew. No one knew at all. The children of Nissen, of Elvebakken, of Grefsen, Nordpolen, Riis, of all the schools – they were alone.

Eskild cradled Isak’s head against his chest as the pain and the torment and the despair came back full force. “Norway has to know, Isak,” Eskild assured him. “They have to know. This can’t go on. I’m going to help you.”

Isak pulled back in fear, shaking his head vigorously, “They can’t know! They can’t know I told you all this! I don’t know what they’ll do to me! They might take me away from him, Eskild! You can’t! You can’t! You can’t! Promise me!” He was quickly working himself into a panic.

“Hey, hey! Isak,” Eskild calmed him, “Calm down. I promise. I promise.” He was crying now, too. “I promise I won’t do anything that would put you in danger. I promise.”

“I’ll be careful, okay?” Eskild swore, “I’ll do my research. I’ll join a human rights group. I won’t ever use your name, Isak, I swear.”

“I can’t lose him,” Isak whimpered, “Not yet.”

“I know,” Eskild said solemnly.

“I wish I had more time,” Isak cried.

 

Eskild joined Isak as he picked a book for him and Even at one of the bookshops. He’d read _Heart_ _of Darkness_ at the Cottages and always wished he had brought it with him instead of leaving it behind in his haste.  He refused to let Isak pay and he hugged him tight before they separated, making promises Isak knew he shouldn’t count on. Before he turned to walk up the steep hill leading to the recovery center, he pulled Eskild in for one more hug. “I’ll never forget you,” Isak told him.

Eskild gripped him harder, “Don’t say that like it’s goodbye.”

“We don’t always know when it is goodbye,” Isak replied.

 

When he made back to the recovery center, he noticed the ambulance in the lot and a police car with it’s lights still on. It meant an emergency.

He walked quickly to their room and when he found it empty dropped the book and ran. He ran so hard to the emergency center that three nurses and two attendants yelled at him on the short way.

“We’ve been looking for you,” one of the nurses said with alarm.

“Where is he!?” Isak gasped. “Where’s Even B!”

“His original was in a terrible accident. He’s lost a lot of blood,” she began explaining. Isak shoved passed her. “Hey! You can’t go in there!”

Isak fought his way through two nurses, “Let me in! Let me in!” he cried.

Eventually the doors gave way and there he saw Even.

Even lying on a hospital bed.

Even with an IV in his arm leading to that of an older man in the bed next to him.

“Isak,” he croaked, outstretching his hand.

“Keep that fist, you!” the doctor ordered.

Isak fell to his side, clasping Even’s hand in his fists.

Even’s head fell back on the bed, his eyes fluttering and rolling to the back of his head.

Isak looked over and saw the unconscious man next to them, his hair the same shade of Even’s, the same build of his body. He had wrinkles near his eyes and his mouth and two large white bandages with red blood seeping through them wrapped tightly around his wrists.

Isak’s breathing quickened and he turned back to look at Even’s pale face. “No, no, no, no,” Isak shook his hand. “Stay with me, baby. Stay with me, Even.”

Even’s grip was loosening in his hand by the second. “Don’t let me go!” Isak shouted. He couldn’t control himself. He started sobbing, the tears from earlier that afternoon returning full force.

“Get him out of here!” the doctor ordered his staff.

“No!” Isak shouted. He stood up, ripped his sleeve up his arm and moving to pull the need from Even’s skin. “Take my blood. Take it! He’s dying! He can’t give that much blood.”

“Nurse!” the doctor yelled as two attendants restrained him.

“No!” Isak thrashed. “No! You’re killing him! You’re killing him! You’re killing him!” His ears were ringing.

“Don’t tell me how to do my job, son,” the doctor roared.

“My job is keeping him alive!” Isak screamed back. “Take my blood! I’m O negative! Just take it! Take my blood!”

Somewhere behind him, they wheeled in another hospital bed. Four pairs of hands were pushing Isak down onto it and buckling the belts over his chest, waist, and knees. “Doc!” Isak shouted, “I love him!” Isak couldn’t see through his tears, his throat burning with effort. “Please,” he cried. “Don’t take him from me. Take my blood. Please,” Isak cried.

He could barely feel it when the needle pierced his skin. It was nothing compared to the pain in his heart – his poor, tired heart.

“Take my blood,” Isak kept repeating. “Take my blood.”

They wheeled him in between Even and his original, Isak’s eyes drifting over to Even’s lifeless face. He tried to focus, tried to breathe. He clenched his fist tight and kept his eyes on Even’s face.

Even’s face.

He had been beginning to think that his would be the last face Even would see before he completed. He had never once thought it could be the other way around.

His eyes were growing heavy and his body felt like it was slipping away from his mind.

He thought of Sonja in the field of Nissen playing with her porcelain horses in the grass.

He thought of Vilde – lying in the grass with her at Nissen, listening to the breeze. He thought of the time she held him as he cried after they kissed.

He thought of sitting on the floor at the Cottages, eating chocolate pie with Jakob, Emma and Lea.

He thought of Emma, her easy voice singing Duran Duran on their drive.

He thought of Eva’s long hair and the way she would wrap her arm around his shoulders when she knew he needed it most.

He thought of Jonas and how he yelled at him for forgetting to eat, taking care of Isak’s body when he couldn’t himself.

He thought of Mutta and the way he cried when their patient completed sooner than expected.

He thought of Mahdi and waffles and his carefree laugh.

He thought of Eskild and knew he would have liked Vilde. He would have like Even.

_Even._

There was Even holding him at night when their world was falling apart.

There was Even, stuck in the chair that wouldn’t let him live.

There was Even, talking about parallel universes and alternative lives.

There was Even climbing on the boat near Bergen, ready to sail away from his fate.

There was the trees near the Cottages, Even’s most devastating piece of art.

There was Even kissing him goodbye in the car at the Cottages. “ _This isn’t how I’m supposed to love you.”_

There was Even telling him what Isak always wanted to hear, _“You. I want you.”_

There was Even, holding on tight to Isak on the beach in Lade.

There was Even, his head on Isak’s lap, Isak’s heart in Even’s hands, them watching _Star Wars_.

There was Even, holding him in bed when Vilde left Nissen.

There was Even, walking with him in the snow.

There was Even, putting Isak’s favorite tape in his hands. “ _You don’t have to be sad because I got you something.”_

There was Even, pushing his potatoes around his breakfast plate, “ _I would never want to hurt anyone. But especially not you.”_  

There was Even, holding his body close after his nightmares.

There was Even, smiling mouth foaming with bubbles as he brushed his teeth.

There was Even, running for the fence during kickball.

There was Even, singing the Nissen song unenthusiastically.

There was Even. It would always be Even.

Even who was waking up. Even who’s eyes focused drearily on Isak’s.  

 

Isak’s eyes fluttered closed. He let go and sank into sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to read your thoughts.


	17. This feels like a movie, doesn't it?

 

 

_August 1991 cont’d._

When Isak was about twelve years old, he had nightmares every night for at least a month. Every night he dreamed about that fence at Nissen. Sometimes he was running towards it from the outside and with each step it was farther and farther away. Sometimes the fence was three times as tall and rattling with the force of a monstrous pack of animals trying to tear it down. But the scariest nightmares were when Isak found himself on the inside of the fence, Even on the outside – his hands cut off and bleeding from the wrists.

He always woke with a suffering gasp, a silent scream, sweat pooling in his hair and down his back, soaking through his pajamas. Every time upon waking from his horrors, he was met with Even’s scared and timid voice, “Isak, what’s wrong?”

Waking up from his worst nightmare to date, Even bleeding out on a hospital gurney, was nothing like waking from his nightmares at Nissen. There was no rapid breathing, no sitting up in panic, no sweat. It was slow. It was like falling asleep in reverse.

Isak felt his chest rise and fall. He heard the soft barely-there whistle of the air exhaling through his nose. He heard the sound of his toes wriggling against the bed sheet. He smelled oranges. The sound of the peel tearing away from the pith was what finally helped his eyes blink open.

“Isak?”

He knew the voice. This time there wasn’t the question of “What’s wrong?”

This time, they both knew.

Isak tried to speak, but his mouth was too dry and the word died in his throat.

“You need water,” Even noted. He set the orange down and filled a cup from the pitcher on the bedside table. Even lifted Isak’s head at his neck so that he could sip from the cup. The cool plastic of Even’s hospital wristband tickled his neck leaving goosebumps in its wake. Isak ended up gulping the water, nearly choking. “Easy, easy, not too fast,” Even warned. Isak breathed through his nose and closed his eyes as he slowed his swallowing to accommodate the water. Isak heard his breath echo against the plastic. “Okay, that’s enough,” Even tilted away the cup. “Here,” Even tore an orange slice in half. “Eat this,” he lifted it to Isak’s mouth. Isak bit, chewed, and swallowed slowly. “Lay back, baby,” Even whispered, smoothing down Isak’s hair.

 _Baby_.

Isak looked at him with dry eyes having to blink several times to wet them. He noticed the iv in the crook of his elbow. He tasted salt in his mouth.

“They took almost two and a half pints from you,” Even told him. “You’ve been asleep for two days.”

“Even,” Isak’s voice cracked.

“You saved my life, Isak.” He spoke so carefully, like if he said the wrong word Isak would break. “But I almost lost you.”

And there it was. Isak’s vision turned blurry with tears. The sob caught in Isak’s throat. Even leaned forward, wiping the tears from Isak’s cheek with his right hand and wiping the tears from his own with his left. Isak used all of his strength to lift himself up on an elbow and shuffle on his side to the edge of the bed. Even crawled in next to him, pulling the covers up over their heads. He held Isak against his chest, cradling his head against his long neck. “It’s okay,” he shushed, “It was just a bad dream.” Even kissed the corner of his tearful eye.

Isak let himself believe the lie.

When he woke up again, Isak was curled into Even’s side and Even had an arm around Isak’s shoulders, holding him close. Even had fallen asleep, too. Isak tightened his grip around Even’s middle and rubbed his cheek into the soft cotton of his T-shirt. It was a full minute before Isak realized someone else was in the room. It was the sound of a page turning in a book that startled him. He sat up straight, facing forward, and a chill ran down his spine at the realization that someone was spying on them.

The doctor, the one who had been working to save Even’s original when Isak arrived, was reading _A Light in the Attic_. “What are you doing?” Isak asked accusatorily. He was careful not to speak too loudly, not wanting to wake up Even.

“I see you underlined this one,” he replied, his eyes still on the book, not looking at Isak.

 _“There are no happy endings, endings are sad – so let’s have a happy beginning and a happy middle_.”

“What are you doing here?” Isak repeated.

“It’s an interesting choice,” the doctor admitted. “I’m surprised you’re so optimistic at this point.”

“Optimism has never done me any favors,” Isak replied bitterly.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, son,” he closed the book.

“Don’t call me that. I’m nobody’s son.”

“Sure, you are,” the doctor argued, finally looking at Isak. “Who cares if you weren’t born like me? Someone created you in a tube. Couldn’t they be your mother or father? Why limit yourself?”

“If you’re here to give me a lesson in optimism, you can fuck right off,” Isak spoke evenly. “Actually, no, just fuck right off anyway.”

The doctor laughed, “You’ve got spunk, son.”

“What are you doing here?” Isak asked once again, not in the mood for whatever sort of fucked up banter this awful excuse for a human being was trying to sustain.

“I’m here to ask you something,” he replied simply.

“Well then ask and then fuck right off,” Isak told him, narrowing his eyes.

“Tell me to fuck off one more time and it’ll take me less than two minutes to cut your fucking tongue out,” he threatened with a sadistic smile.

Isak swallowed thickly. He knew he had the power to do it. Isak could still do his job as a mute. He’d never heard of tongue donations either. It was about as useful to his original as his appendix. “I want you to leave,” Isak said instead.

The doctor chuckled, “See, I knew you were one of the smart ones.”

Isak bit his tongue, refraining from the reply his instinct had already prepared for him.

The doctor shifted his gaze to Even, “You said you love him. Will you tell me how you fell in love?”

“No,” Isak answered shortly, “Now leave please.”

The doctor just continued staring at Even’s sleeping form. Isak instinctually took Even’s hand in his. The doctor smiled and Isak was anything but soothed by it. “That’s private,” Isak offered as an excuse.

“See,” the doctor crossed his leg across his knee, “I have this theory that you things are not capable of love.”

“You’re wrong,” Isak argued.

“Am I?” he laughed, “To love, one has to be able to imagine a future with someone. Imagining a future is hard for you, isn’t it? You don’t love him. You never fell in love with him. This co-dependency is just the manifestation of a less than effective coping mechanism.”

“I’m no doctor,” Isak spoke angrily, “But your theory sounds like a load of unscientific bullshit.”

The doctor clenched his jaw and flared his nostrils. “Come here, boy,” he ordered.

Isak didn’t move.

“Come here now or I call the nurses, they take away your precious patient, and you never see him again. Your choice,” he stood from the chair.

Isak’s heart began racing and a bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face. He lifted the bed sheet and carefully stepped out of bed, his bare feet alarmed by the cold concrete floor. He gripped the iv stand and walked over to the doctor with clenched fists and slow step. When Isak stood in front of him, he refused to look him in the eye.

“Good boy,” he praised. Isak’s skin crawled and one could see the disgust on his face.

The doctor gripped his chin roughly and turned it to the side. He examined Isak carefully, “I’m not sure what goes wrong in the lab that makes some of you come out like this. There has to be something we’re missing, something that makes you males lust for males and females lust for females. I am a doctor and the science community thinks there’s some validity to that theory, Isak V.”

Isak swallowed.

“I plan to take apart what’s left of you when your donations are finished. I’ll get to the bottom of it and thanks to you, the scientific community will have found a solution to your aberrations.”

Isak tried to step away and the doctor swiftly moved his hand from Isak’s chin to the hair at the crown of his head, “Ah, ah, ah,” he laughed, “Not so fast.”

Isak winced as he tugged on his hair. He lifted his hands to pry off the man’s fingers. “Stop! Let me go! You’re hurting me!”

“Nurse!” Even’s voice rang out, “Nurse! Help! Someone!” He was jumping from the bed and rushing over to Isak, “Let him go!” he begged.

Instants before two nurses piled into the room, the doctor released Isak from his grip and shoved him at Even who thankfully caught him in his arms. The doctor left the room, shoving past the two nurses. Even held him close, “You’re okay. You’re safe,” Even calmed him with a hand over his racing heart. Isak turned in his arms.

“I can’t take it here, anymore, Even,” Isak cried, “This place is going to kill me before they ever even cut me open.”

“I’m sorry,” Even whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“What happened here?” the nurse asked worriedly.

Even fixed his gaze on her coldly, “That doctor just assaulted my carer.”

She gave them a sad look. A look that said _there’s nothing I can do about that._

“I can’t do this anymore, Even,” Isak was shaking.

“Hey, hey,” Even cupped his cheeks, “You don’t have to. We’re leaving. Soon as you’re recovered, we’re taking a trip to Oslo.”

“What’s in Oslo?” Isak asked.

Even held his hand and led him over to his notebook of drawings, “Madame.”

Even had kept the address Sonja wrote down for them. “I memorized it, but I kept it just in case. I already put in the request. As soon as you’re cleared to go, we go.”

“But what about your original?” Isak asked, thinking back to the frightening image of the man’s “accident.”

Even shook his head, “He’s stable and in recovery. They moved him down the hill to the public recovery wing.”

“Even, I-,” Isak was speechless. He wanted to run away with Even. He wanted to cut the trackers out of their wrists and leave the country. He’d swim across the North Sea if he had to. Or die trying.

Even pulled him close, wrapping his arms around Isak’s shoulders like he could hear the suicidal thoughts racing through his head, “We’re applying for deferrals. We’re gonna wait this thing out, okay? We’ll get a few years together before they can even start you on donations. We can go live in the countryside or on the beach or in the mountains. I don’t care. As long as I’m with you. I’m not letting them take you away from me. I’m never letting you go. We just need to buy some time, okay?”

Buying some time. Isak felt like they were fugitives on the run despite having already been prisoners their whole lives. He thought of Eskild and wondered if the National Donor Program would even notify him once Isak completed. Probably not. Maybe saying goodbye to him two days ago was the smartest thing Isak had ever done.

“Isak?” Even carded his fingers through his hair, “Isak, will you apply for deferrals with me?”

Isak spoke against the cotton covering Even’s broad shoulder, “What if Madame won’t let you, because you’ve already started donating? What if Madame says no?”

Even denied him, “She can’t say no. She can’t look at us and look at our art and not see our love. We have to try, Isak.”

Isak nodded, “I want to. Of course, I want to. I want to spend the rest of our lives together. And I want the rest of our lives to last as long as possible.”

Even cupped his cheeks and kissed him warm and slow, “I’ve never wanted to live this bad in my whole life.”

And that concept is such an enigma to Isak – _whole life_. Whatever life this is that he’s living, it can’t possibly be whole. It can’t be whole without Vilde and Emma, Jakob and Lea, Jonas and Eva, Mahdi and Eskild – even Sonja. In the books Isak reads, the characters don’t lose their friends at twenty-five. The characters have whole lives still left to live after the last page is turned. The characters see the other side of 30 and sometimes _complain_ about it. Isak doesn’t want to, but he thinks of that vile doctor who gripped him like he was his own to slaughter. And while he’s daydreamed of what his and Even’s lives could be like in parallel universes more times than he can count, it’s now that when he pictures his future, he doesn’t see anything at all.

 

 

 

 _September 1991_  

Within a week, Isak was cleared and deemed healthy and sound enough to travel. When they actually walked out of the facility, hand in hand, Isak couldn’t help but think this was all too good to be true. But Even is there and Even is smiling and he has this fire inside him that could burn through any force that tries to stop them, it seems.

The story was that Even wants to see the museums of Oslo and it’s a brilliant decoy. It makes them look like the patriots they’ve been told they were designed to be. Alive to love and serve their country, to give everything they have back to it, literally.

They left in the morning and had an eight-hour journey ahead of them. They were set to arrive in Oslo by mid-afternoon. The trip didn’t feel real while they were driving out of Stavanger, like the reality of their situation was all to clear within the city limits. They felt free once the city receded behind them and the road opened up. Small towns with fjords and lakes and rivers all around. They were the in-between spaces. It reminded Isak of the Cottages, far and out of the way and secluded. It was just the two of them.

Because Even liked driving with the windows down, Isak rolled down the windows of the little white sedan. Even smiled and leaned his arms on the edge of the car door, his chin resting on the meat of his forearm. He’d brought a pair of sunglasses his last carer had given him. The aviator sunglasses were tinted yellow framed his face so well Isak could have been fooled if someone told him they were made for Even. The white t-shirt he was wearing haphazardly tucked into his jeans made him seem as if he didn’t have a care in the world and maybe at that moment he didn’t.

Isak turned down the music so Even could hear him, “You look hot.” Isak nearly blushed at his own forwardness, but out on this road and far from the hospital, he’d found a new confidence.

Even turned his head in his arms and smiled at Isak, “Mmm, thank you. You look sexy driving with one hand.”

Isak had leaned his left elbow out the window. He smirked at Even’s compliment. Even sat up and pulled his head back inside the car. He reached his hand over to play with the hair at the back of Isak’s head. Isak leaned into it. “And you look sexy with your hair blowing in the breeze,” Even continued. He traced a finger down Isak’s neck, letting it get caught in the collar of his t-shirt before moving his hand down farther to Isak’s thigh. He squeezed lightly and Isak’s mouth fell open with a sigh. “You look sexy in these jeans,” Even noted, rubbing his thumb across the denim, “I can’t wait to get you out of them.”

Isak took a deep breath, humming Even’s name. Even pulled his hand away and leaned over between their seats to kiss Isak’s cheek. Isak smiled and started driving with his left hand so he could search out Even’s with his right. Even gladly took Isak’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together. He traced patterns on the back of Isak’s hand until he grew bored of it, at which point Isak lifted their joined hands to kiss the back of Even’s. 

“This feels like a movie, doesn’t it?” Even asked.

“Driving?” Isak asked in reply.

Even nodded, “Yeah, driving, on our own. Our little road trip. It feels like we’re in a movie but we’re the directors, too.”

“I like that,” Isak replied.

“I like you,” Even hummed.

Isak rolled his eyes, “You’re so cheesy.”

“It’s because I’m the big cheese,” Even defended.

“I’m the one driving. I’ve got all of the control here,” Isak argued.

“You’re right. I like it when you take care of me,” Even admitted.

Isak smiled, “I like it, too.”

Even leaned his head back against the headrest and yawned. Isak let go of his hand to rest it on Even’s thigh, “You can sleep if you want, you know,” Isak suggested. “There’s a blanket in the backseat.”

Even shook his head. “I’m not tired,” he told him. Isak could tell he was lying. “I don’t want to miss a thing.”

Isak didn’t argue with Even, just kept driving, his hand on Even’s thigh, Even’s fingers dancing across his knuckles. “Isak?” Even asked, hesitantly.

“Yeah?” Isak answered.

“I’m sorry we haven’t always had this,” Even apologized.

“Had what?” Isak didn’t understand.

“I mean, _this_. _Us_ ,” Even explained. “I feel like I wasted so much of our time.”

“Don’t say that,” Isak shook his head.

“But it’s true, isn’t it?” Even argued.

Isak winced, “Let’s not think about time, okay? Let’s pretend time doesn’t exist out here. We’re not wasting any.”

“Okay,” Even agreed quietly.

A few minutes of comfortable silence, apart from the low hum of the music, passed between them.  

“Isak, can I ask you a question?” Even asked.

“You can ask two,” Isak teased.

Even chuckled lightly before asking, “Why didn’t you tell me about your first kiss?”

Isak looked over at Even curiously. He looked pensive, but not hurt. Isak thought back to the hurt look on Even’s face when Isak revealed he hadn’t told Even about his first kiss back in the kitchen at the Cottages.

Isak shrugged, “It wasn’t exactly my best moment.”

“Why?” Even asked. He was rubbing Isak’s thumbnail with the underside of his own thumb.

“Well, I started crying,” Isak said, trying to keep the mood light.

“You cried? What? How old were you? Was it that bad?” Even wasn’t mocking him, he just genuinely cared.

“I was like sixteen,” Isak explained, “And it wasn’t necessarily bad or anything. I just, it didn’t feel right and so I felt really wrong and I was mad at myself for not liking it. I mean, remember how Mattias and Martha were like making out right away and Mattias kept going on about awesome it was?”

Even snorted, “Yeah, oh man, I almost forgot about him.”

“That’s probably a good thing. He was never nice to you,” Isak replied.

“You remember that?” Even asked, slipping his fingers between Isak’s once again.

Isak nodded, “I never wanted to punch anyone as bad as I wanted to punch Matthias.”

Even smiled, “You’ve always taken care of me, haven’t you?”

Isak shrugged. “Not always,” he admitted sadly.

Even brought his hand up to his mouth and kissed Isak’s knuckles. “Will you tell me about it please?”

“About what?” Isak asked.

“Your first kiss,” Even reminded him. “Who did you kiss?”

“Vilde,” Isak answered.

“You kissed Vilde?” Even wasn’t expecting that. “Did you love her?”

Isak nodded, “I loved her, but not like _that_.” He gripped Even’s hand tighter, “Not like this.” He kept explaining, “Neither of us had kissed anyone and I was worried because I didn’t want to kiss any of the girls in our year, but I trusted Vilde. So we tried it and I was really awkward and then,” Isak felt his face flush red with embarrassment, “Then I was like, ‘Let’s try tongue,’ because it just didn’t feel right and so we did and I was like basically eating Vilde’s face and then I started crying because I knew something was wrong.”

“Isak,” Even sighed, “I wish you had told me.”

“I didn’t want anyone to know. I was embarrassed,” Isak admitted.

“Vilde didn’t tell anybody?” Even asked.

Isak shook his head, “Not that I know of.”

“She was always a good friend to you,” Even spoke.

“Yeah, she was,” Isak agreed.

“Do you know where she is now?” Even asked.

Then it hit Isak. Even didn’t know. He had no idea Vilde completed back in 1986. Isak had gotten the letter the afternoon that Even left the Cottages the first time. “Even,” Isak started, but something must have betrayed him in his voice because then Even turned his head away and stared out at the passing roadside.

“She’s gone, isn’t she?” Even realized.

Isak nodded but knew Even couldn’t see him. “Yeah,” he answered.

Isak saw Even lift his free hand to wipe at his eyes beneath the sunglasses. Isak squeezed Even’s hand tighter. “I’m sorry I didn’t know,” Even apologized.

“Don’t be sorry,” Isak hushed him.

“But I am,” Even replied. “And I’m sorry you didn’t have a nice first kiss. I’m sorry I wasn’t your first kiss.”

Isak shrugged, “We can’t change the past.”

“I know,” Even whispered, “But I still wish I’d done things differently.”

“Like what?”

“Like, I wish I would have kissed you back at Nissen when I wanted to. I would have listened to my heart instead of Sonja. I wouldn’t have told her I liked her back when I just thought that was what I was supposed to do,” Even rambled.

“You wanted to kiss me at Nissen?” Isak asked, surprised by the new information.

“So many times,” Even confessed.

“What?” Isak was dumbfounded, “Really?” he cleared his throat, “I mean when?”

“The first time?” Even clarified.

“Yeah?” Isak encouraged.

Even shifted in his seat, turning to face Isak. “Remember when Miss Julie was at Nissen, and we were painting for the gallery and everybody kept calling my elephant a rat to make fun of me?”

Isak nodded, “I remember.”

“Well, I got paint on my chin and you wiped it off for me,” Even said.

“I remember,” Isak repeated, smiling.

“I wanted to lean over and kiss you,” Even admitted.

Isak laughed, “Why though?”

Even shrugged, “I think it’s because you didn’t make fun of my art and you wiped the paint off my chin so no one could make fun of me for it. And you were cute. I was eleven. I had a crush.”

Isak laughed again, “I think I had a crush then, too. You always made me so nervous.” He paused, “You still make me nervous sometimes.”

“Like when?” Even challenged.

Isak shrugged, “I don’t know-“

“Like when I lean in close like this?” Even whispered, suddenly hunched over the space between them, his lips barely brushing Isak’s ear. “What about when I kiss you right here?” Even asked and then pressed his mouth to the curve of Isak’s throat where the skin of his neck met his shoulder.

Isak shuddered and Even laughed, “You’re so cute.”

Isak rolled his eyes, “I’m not _cute_.”

“Sure you are. Hot, too. And beautiful. And sexy. You’re the whole package, baby,” Even smiled.

Isak tore his eyes from the empty road to look over at the man he loved. Even’s sunglasses had slid down the bridge of his nose, revealing his dazzling blue eyes. “I love you,” Isak told him. “I really love you.”

Even smiled brighter, “I really love you, too.”

Isak glanced back to the road just to make sure he wasn’t driving them off it then looked back over at Even, “Kiss me please.”

Even leaned in an pressed a quick kiss to Isak’s lips. Isak caressed his cheek and then snatched the sunglasses from Even’s face.

“Hey!” he shouted in protest.

“Driver safety!” Isak shouted in return. “It’s too bright out.”

Even surrendered, “Fine, they look better on you anyway.”

Isak smiled in triumph and ruffled the soft hair on Even’s head. Even kissed his palm before Isak returned it to the steering wheel. “How much longer do we have anyway?” Even complained, “It feels like we’ve been driving for hours.”

Isak checked the time, “I think about three hours. Are you hungry yet? We should be coming up on Arendal soon. I’ve stopped to eat there before.”

“Okay, sounds good. What shall we eat?” Even asked.

Isak hummed. “I’m thinking waffles.”

They stopped in the diner Isak and Mahdi had once dined in. The bell rang on the door and Isak lifted the sunglasses to see the diner was mostly empty. He could see one waitress in an older couple sitting in the booth by the window. Isak and Even sat at the counter and ordered waffles with strawberries – or Isak ordered and Even just added, “I’ll have what he’s having.”

On the TV, a weather man was reporting clear skies until late evening when a storm was set to hit the Kristiansand and travel up the coast to Oslo and eventually hit Lillehammer. Even and Isak ate their waffles in comfortable silence, occasionally stealing bites of each others food even though they had ordered the same thing. The waitress came over with their bill and Isak placed the cash and change on the counter. She opened up the register and printed Isak a receipt, then paused before she handed it to him, her hand in mid-air, “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Terje Vogt?”

“Sorry, what?” Isak didn’t know what she was talking about.

“You know that one actor? In the movie about the three brothers, Terje Vogt?” she pushed.

Isak still didn’t know what she was talking about but lied, “Oh, yeah, I get that a lot.”

“I swear, it’s like you could be his son or something. What’s your name sweetheart?” she asked.

“Isak Bech Naesheim,” he lied again. Even looked over at him and smiled. Those were the surnames he was instructed to use.

“Well, maybe you should do movies, too. You could be a star!” she laughed.

Isak nodded and forced a chuckle, “Yeah, maybe I should.”

“What’s your favorite movie he’s in?” Even asked her innocently.

“Oh,” she sighed, “I don’t know. He’s so good in _Toget til Stockholm_. What do you think?”

Even nodded, lying casually, “Yeah, that’s my favorite, too,”  

The news segment changed and a handsome looking anchor teased with a breaking news story, “Next, the National Donor Program reports that Norway is the healthiest it has ever been, yet the NDP may be facing a law suit. We cover that story tonight.”

“Oh dear, probably just another old guy complaining about his second lung replacement not being as good as his first,” she dismissed it. “You gentleman have a nice afternoon,” she said goodbye.

When they got back in the car, Even was quiet. “Are rich people really so unsatisfied with newer, better organs? Will they ever be satisfied?” Even asked rhetorically.

Isak pulled out onto the road. “Will you change the tape?” Isak asked him. “In the glove box, there’s a tape in there, _Out of Our Heads_ , start with the B-side.”

Even found the tape, “Rolling Stones?”

“That’s the one,” Isak smiled.

Even changed the tape. Isak started drumming his hands on the wheel as soon as the song started.

“What is even is this?” Even asked before the lyrics started.

Isak started singing along, “I can’t get no satisfaction. I can’t get no satisfaction.”

Even smiled and turned up the music.

“Cause I try and I try and I try and I try!” Isak sang louder.

Even laughed and bobbed his head along. Isak pointed at the case in Even’s hands. “See that one there, in the back with the big lips and the dreamy eyes,” he had his finger on the corner of the plastic.

“Mhm,” Even nodded.

“I found this tape in that music shop when we lived at the Cottages,” Isak explained. “I bought it just because I thought he was attractive.”

“What?” Even laughed.

“I know,” Isak admitted, embarrassed.

“Well,” Even pondered, “He does have dreamy eyes.”

“A nice voice, too.” Isak added, “This is him – Mick Jagger.”

Even laughed, “What kind of name is that?”

Isak shrugged, “It works for me. I had a wet dream about him once.”

“Really!?” Even asked, his voice going high.

Isak shook his head, “No, not really.” He was laughing. “I’ve only had wet dreams about you.”

“Oh my god!” Even laughed.

Isak shrugged, “I can’t help it. You’re so cute. Hot, and beautiful and sexy,” he teased.

Even looked over at him from where he was leaning on his elbow, “Are you trying to distract me, Isak?”

“Is it working?” he smirked, letting his hand fall on Even’s thigh comfortingly once again.

“Maybe,” Even admitted. He kissed the curve of Isak’s shoulder.

They spent the rest of the drive listening to the Rolling Stones, Duran Duran, and Tears for Fears. Over the background sound of the music, Isak and Even recalled the wet dreams and day dreams they’d had about each other, laughing at how they used to hide it at Nissen and the way they’d coped with it in the showers at the Cottages.

Around 15:30, they arrived in Oslo, driving through the somewhat busy streets. “Isak! Look!” Even shouted, pointing through the windshield. “That’s him, isn’t it?”

When Isak caught sight of him, he pulled over to the side of the road. Up on a billboard was a gigantic poster of Terje Vogt and another actress named Elise Meyer. He was holding her close. They were obviously advertising a romantic film. Isak couldn’t believe how much he looked like the older man.

“Isak, I think he’s,” Even started.

“My original,” Isak answered. There was no way he couldn’t be. Isak thought of every time a stranger thought he looked vaguely familiar, of the waitress in Lade all those years ago, of the waitress in Arendal just that afternoon. It was like looking into a false future, looking up at that larger than life image of himself.

“I can’t believe it,” Even shook his head, “You’re modeled on a famous person.”

Isak shook his head, “I’m a pretty good liar. It makes sense that he’s an actor.”

“You’re not that good at lying, Isak,” Even mused.

Isak shrugged, “Maybe he’s not that good of an actor.” He put the car back into drive and got back on the road.

Even took his hand, “It’s kind of cool to know what you’d look like as an older man. You’re much more handsome than me in twenty years.”

Isak looked over at Even, “You’re ridiculous.” He smiled.

“I know,” Even agreed, taking the sunglasses back and setting them on his face. “And cute and hot and beautiful and sexy. You said it, not me.”

“I meant it,” Isak kissed his hand.

“Thank you.” He teased him, “Your compliments are so original.”

Isak laughed with surprise at Even’s dig.

“Hey, can we stop for snacks before the motel?” Even asked.

Isak nodded, “Sure, what would you like?”

Even hummed, “Pretzels, and cookies, and chocolate, and…” he was thinking.

“Maybe some fruit, too?” Isak suggested. “Or vegetables?”

“I guess,” Even surrendered, “But I want some sugary crap, too.”

“Of course,” Isak laughed.

They split up in the grocery store to gather snacks and met in the middle to make final decisions.

“Should we buy something to make a dinner tonight or go out?” Isak asked.

“I was thinking we could stay in and order pizza,” Even suggested.

“Mmm, I haven’t had pizza in so long. That sounds great,” Isak agreed.

Even looked behind himself and over Isak’s shoulder before taking Isak’s hand and pulling him into one of the aisles. “I think we need one more thing,” Even spoke nervously.

“What?” Isak asked, confused.

Even raised his eyebrows and gestured to the wall behind him. Isak turned around to look, “Oh,” he swallowed. “Right.”

He was face to face with about fifty bottles of lubricant. “How did you know about this?” Isak asked. He’d only learned from Eskild and Jonas was gone by the time Even came back to the Cottages.

Even shrugged, “I asked Jakob. He said he’d learned about it at Elvebakken.”

“Wow, Jonas offered once, to explain it,” Isak spoke, “But I never really got the chance. My friend Eskild explained it to me in Stavanger, the one who works at Blue Bird.”

“I’m not sure which to get,” Even admitted.

Isak turned back to look at Even’s nervous face, “Even, is this something you want? I know we’ve talked about it before, but if you’re not comfortable, I don’t, we don’t, nothing has to happen.”

Even grabbed Isak’s hand and squeezed it. “I want to, I want to be close to you. I’ve been thinking about it since you showed up in Bergen. I’ve thought about it like every thirty seconds of the drive up here. I want this, do you?”

Isak nodded, “I do. I’m just nervous.”

“Me, too,” Even confessed.

Isak looked around them to make sure they were alone then leaned in and kissed Even slowly in the middle of the grocery store. Even pulled back and laughed, “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Me neither,” Isak admitted. He picked up a bottle and examined the label carefully. “This one seems okay,” Isak looked it over, “It’s water-based.” He shrugged.

“Should we get another one, just in case?” Even asked. He chose one nearby it with a green cap, “This one is silicone-based.”

“Sure,” Isak shrugged.

They moved all of their items into one basket and headed for the register. Isak paid and Even looked around everywhere nervously, unable to look the cashier in the eye.

The cashier spoke quietly and leaned forward as he scanned the lubes. He tapped the silicone-based one, “I like this one. It works well, lasts long.”

“Thanks,” Isak replied. The comment seemed to dissipate Even’s nerves since he finally looked at the cashier and smiled.

Isak handed over the money and the cashier handed Isak the bag, “Have a nice day, be safe,” he said.

“Thank you,” Isak and Even replied at the same time, Isak laughing nervously.

In the car, Even studied the bottles closely, reading every detail.

When they pulled up to the motel, Isak wouldn’t even let Even get out of the car. “No,” he shook his head, “No, we’re not staying here.”

“Why?” Even asked. “Aren’t you keen on stopping driving.”

“Even, I’m not keen on staying here,” Isak sighed, “This place is, it’s not,” he turned in the key back in the ignition to start up the car, “I want this to be special. We’re going to do this right.” He pointed out the window, “We’re staying there. It looks new.”

“Isak,” Even looked at the looming hotel tower in the distance, “It looks _expensive_.”

Isak shrugged, “I brought my entire savings with me. I have over 20,000 kroner on me. Go big or go home, right baby?”

Even buckled back up, but not before kissing Isak square on the lips and licking into his mouth.

Isak laughed, “Let’s check into a fucking suite, huh?”

“This must be what a birthday feels like,” Even laughed.

Isak took Even’s hand in his and rubbed his thumb across the smooth skin. He didn’t plan on letting him go anytime soon.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm back. I know, it's been months since this story was updated. So sorry. If everything goes to plan, there will be another update within a week. Fingers crossed.
> 
> I have two more chapters planned and then possibly an epilogue, or three more chapters depending on how long the ending actually turns out to be. I'm flexible. There's probably a lot of mistakes in here. Sorry! I don't have anyone to read my stuff over before I post them. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy. It's quite possible you forgot this fic even exists. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> It took me a while to get back into the mindset of writing this one, but I feel like I've gotten my groove back, kind of. Idk, you decide.


	18. You don't have to hide from me, baby.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though there was someone out there with the same genetic information as Isak, he would never feel as close to anyone as with Even in that moment. For the first time in Isak’s short life, time itself seemed to still.

 

 

_September 1991 cont’d._

The nerves didn’t set in until the front desk clerk handed Isak the keycards. Even’s finger had hooked its way through Isak’s belt loop and pulled him toward the elevator doors. Once inside the elevator, Isak gripped the support bar tightly. His chest was heaving.

“Afraid of heights?” Even asked as the elevator ascended.

Isak didn’t think he’d ever been this high up before. It was a new experience and the fact that the elevator was practically made of glass only added to his anxiety. Isak could feel that with every floor they moved up, he was closer and closer to being intimate with Even in a way he’d never been before, could hardly imagine being before. It all scared him.  Nonetheless, he shook his head no. Even laughed, easily picking up on Isak’s lie.

Even rubbed his big palm across Isak’s shoulder blades and Isak involuntarily tensed at the gesture. “Isak,” Even asked carefully, “Are you okay?”

Isak closed his eyes and nodded, still gripping the bar tightly.

“Come here,” Even pulled him in by his shoulders, “Hey, don’t be scared,” he told Isak as he held him tucked against his chest.

“I’m not scared,” Isak said, but even as the words left his mouth, he knew they weren’t true. Even moved the hair that had flopped onto Isak’s forehead to the side to look at him better.

Isak looked up at the man who had him in his arms. He had always known Even was tall, and although Isak had grown quite tall himself, he would never get over how much higher he needed to look when they stood this close. And even though they were literally embracing, it was like Even could feel the distance between them. He hunched down, his waist pressing closer to Isak’s so they were more at eye level. He kissed Isak’s cheek and Isak let out a calm sigh. He looked into Even’s kind eyes then down at his perfect pink lips. Even smiled and then his lips were on Isak’s, just gently distracting him from the weight of his worries.

They kicked off their shoes once they entered the suite.

“Holy shit,” Even admitted quietly. “Oh my God, Isak,” Even immediately went to the windows, “Oh wow, you’ve got to see this.”

“I saw it in the elevator, Even,” Isak explained, setting their things down.

“No, we were looking the other way in the elevator, baby,” Even disagreed. “Come here,” he insisted.

Very carefully, Isak stood behind Even, holding his hips so there was something between him and the glass. Even put his hands on top of Isak’s. “It’s beautiful, isn’t?” Even smiled. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

The city lay sprawled out below them.

“It’s so weird to think all those people down there are living singular and complex lives of their own,” Isak spoke.

“What do you mean?” Even asked.

“I mean like, most of the time our lives feel like the most important things in the world, but there are so many people out there leading their own lives – it makes me feel kind of small. In a good way,” Isak added.

Even hummed, turning around to lean against the window, keeping Isak’s steady hands on his hips, “You are the most important thing in the world,” Even spoke.

Isak rolled his eyes, “No, I’m not.”

“Fine, my world then,” Even countered.

Isak smiled, “Okay, fine.”

Even pulled him close so Isak’s full weight was leaning against his own.

“Even?” Isak asked, his cheek pressed against Even’s chest.

“Yeah?”

“Can we step away from the window now?”

Even laughed a full, hearty laugh, “Come on, let’s crack open the snacks, huh?”

Isak smiled back, “I like that idea.”

Even sat down on the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table and rifled through the grocery bag until he found what he was looking for. Isak sat down next to him, propping his feet up, too.

“Chocolate?” Even offered.

Isak just opened his mouth.

Even laughed and broke off a piece of the chocolate bar and placed it on Isak’s tongue. Isak let the chocolate melt in his mouth as Even chomped on some and opened the pretzels. Isak drank some water and leaned back contentedly, his head falling on Even’s shoulder. He yawned and it sent a shiver through his body.

“You’re tired from driving, huh?” Even asked. He didn’t sound disappointed, but Isak figured at least part of him would be.

Isak shook his head defiantly, “No, I’m not.” Another yawn escaped. Even laughed, “Isak, you should sleep.”

“No, I don’t want to miss anything,” Isak argued back.

“Isak, you’re not missing anything. Just, we can take a nap, okay?” Even suggested, “A quick nap. I could use one, too.”

Isak thought about it for a few seconds before finally nodding.

Even stood up, taking Isak’s hands in his. He pulled him up from the couch and led him into the attached bedroom. Isak had never seen a bed so big nor so white. He nearly moaned at how good it looked to nap in. He pulled off his jeans and climbed under the covers, “Don’t let me sleep too long,” Isak pouted.

Even laughed, “I’ll set the alarm clock, don’t worry.” Isak watched as Even did just as he promised. Then Even looked around the room. He went over to close the curtains a bit more. Isak adjusted his eyes and moved to the side of the bed. He lifted the covers and Even smiled. He took of his jeans and socks and crawled in next to Isak. Isak wrapped the duvet around their shoulders and hugged the pillow tighter. Even lifted his hand up to twirl his fingers through the hair around the shell of Isak’s ear. Isak sighed with contentment.

Isak tilted his chin forward, asking to be kissed. Even scooted closer, letting his nose tickle Isak’s cheek before pressing his lips to Isak’s. Isak kissed him back, wrapping his arm around Even’s waist. Even rolled onto his back and hugged Isak close, holding the back of Isak’s thigh across his hips. Isak would never be over the feeling of Even’s hands on him. He rubbed his face into the cotton of Even’s shirt and breathed in deeply.

“Are you smelling me?” Even asked, mischief in his voice.

“You smell like summer,” Isak explained.

“It is summer, Isak,” Even laughed. Isak loved the way Even’s chest rumbled beneath his cheek.

“Mmm,” Isak hummed, “I mean all the time.”

“Alright,” Even carded his fingers through Isak’s hair, “You need sleep, baby,” he kissed his forehead.

Part of Isak felt like arguing, but most of him was already asleep, comfortable in Even’s arms. Within minutes, he was fully asleep.

When Isak woke up, it was with a deep breath and a long stretch. He was so relaxed and on his back. The covers had fallen of his chest in his sleep. Even was sat up next to him, his feet planted firmly on the ground, and was running his fingers comfortingly through Isak’s hair as he spoke into the phone, “How much is it?”

Even covered the speaker with his palm and whispered to Isak, “Is 80 kroner okay for the pizza?”

Isak just nodded as quickly as he could while his body was still waking up. The room was darker than before, the blue hue of the sky had grown darker. 

“That’s great. Thanks,” Even spoke into the phone. There was a pause, but Even kept stroking his fingers through Isak’s hair, “Yeah, Room 3312. Thanks again,” he hung up the phone, the spiral cord twisted around his arm. He untangled himself and then lowered his whole body on top of Isak’s bracing himself by his forearms on either side of Isak’s chest. “Good morning,” Even smiled, leaning in to kiss Isak slowly.

“Is it really morning?” Isak’s voice sounded like he hadn’t used it in weeks. And then his eyes widened, realizing he may have slept through the whole night. He lifted his head quickly, nearly head-butting Even.

Even laughed, “No, it’s like 18:15 ish.”

“Oh good,” Isak sighed, letting his head fall back down, wrapping his arms around Even’s back.

“How did you sleep?” Even asked, propping his head up with his elbow on the mattress by Isak’s shoulder. He traced shapes with his nail on Isak’s cloth-covered shoulder.

“Mmm,” Isak hummed, “So nice.”

“Good,” Even smiled. He kissed Isak’s cheek a few times until Isak turned into it, capturing Even’s lips with his own, pulling him even closer.

Even nipped at Isak’s lips lazily, tangling his fingers in his hair. Isak moved his hand beneath Even’s t-shirt, resting gently on the soft skin of his back. Even parted his lips and let his tongue tease at Isak’s lower lip. Isak let his jaw loosen and then his tongue met Even’s. Isak didn’t know how long they lied there, making out lazily, enjoying each other’s company, but he was becoming restless.

Even moaned, gripping Isak’s hair tighter. It sent a message down southward and then Isak realized that the duvet between their hips was no longer a comfort but a hindrance. He pulled away, slightly gasping for breath. “Wait, wait,” Isak whispered. He scooted out from under Even’s body to free his lower half from the confines of the bedding. In quick movement, Even fell onto his back and pulled Isak on top of him, connecting their lips once more. It felt better this way, nothing between them but the material of their t-shirts and boxers.

Isak hovered above Even, leaning in with the help of Even’s hand on his neck to kiss him deeply, pushing his tongue into his mouth. Even had his other hand on the back of Isak’s thigh, holding him closer. It moved upward, cupping Isak’s ass and guiding him downward. “Let me feel you,” Even spoke between kisses.

With Even’s hips against his own, Isak could feel the way Even had grown desperate for him just as Isak had. He was hard and hot against his thigh. Even began rolling his hips, moving the hand on Isak’s neck down to join his other in guiding Isak’s hips right where he wanted them. Even gasped and Isak took the opportunity to kiss across the flushed skin of Even’s cheek and down to his neck, sucking with intent. Even arched his back, pushing his hips more aggressively against Isak’s.

Isak smiled against Even’s skin and Even could feel it. “Shut up,” Even bantered breathlessly. Even moved a hand down between them to palm Isak across his boxers. Isak moaned Even’s name brokenly but the sweet sound was cut off by a steady knock at the door. Even whined and collapsed against the bed bitterly. Isak fell on top of him, groaning into Even’s neck.

“That’s the pizza,” Even huffed.

Isak groaned again, obviously annoyed.

The knock came again.

“Isak,” Even laughed, “Are you going to get that?”

“Are you going to get that?” Isak mocked.

Even huffed, smacking Isak’s ass. “I’m going, I’m going!” Isak complained. He stood up from the bed, hands on his hips, looking down disapprovingly at the bulge in his boxers. Even laughed.

“Well,” Isak sighed. There was no fixing that in time. He shook out the jeans from the floor, looking for his wallet.

When he opened the main door of the suite, Isak half-hid behind the door and handed the delivery boy the money.

“Have a nice day, enjoy your pizza,” the delivery boy handed over the box.

“Thanks,” Isak replied, closing the door. He brought the pizza over to the little table by the window where Even was already sitting. Isak opened the box. “Just cheese?” he asked Even.

Even shrugged, “What’s wrong with just cheese?”

“It’s kind of boring,” Isak replied.

“Uh,” Even opened his mouth in mock offense, “What else can you put on pizza, anyway?”

“Uh, pepperoni, sausage, olives, peppers, mushrooms,” Isak explained.

Even wrinkled his nose, “Why ruin pizza with all that extra stuff?”

“You just didn’t know you could order more than just cheese, didn’t you?” Isak laughed.

Even grabbed a piece from the box indignantly, “No!” he lied.

“You’re a terrible liar,” Isak laughed.

“Whatever, there’s a universe out there where I’m a great liar and you’re gullible as shit,” Even retorted.

“No way,” Isak argued, “I’m the master of lying.”

“You’re not that good at lying, Isak.”

“Am too.”

“Are not,” Even argued back like a child.

“Eat your pizza,” Isak huffed as he sat down at the table, grabbing a piece for himself.

“Well if you insist,” Even teased, taking a bite of hit slice. He moaned, “Mm, this is so good.”

Isak ate one slice at the same pace that Even scarfed down three. By the time he was reaching for the four slice, Isak was leaning back in his chair, balling up the greasy napkin and throwing it on his plate. Even took a bite, smearing tomato sauce on his chin.

“You have sauce on your chin,” Isak told him. He lifted his hand to his own chin to show Even where. Even looked down at his fingers covered in grease and pizza sauce.  

He lifted up his hands. “Can you help me out?” he asked leaning over towards Isak across the table.  

Isak didn’t reply with his words, just lifted his hand to slowly rub away the bit of sauce from Even’s skin. “There,” he said when he was done, “All gone.”

“Thanks,” Even smiled. Isak smiled back, looking him in the eye, his chest filling with warmth and his cheeks flushing. Even’s eyes lingered on Isak’s lips. “I wanna kiss you,” Even admitted, his breath slightly labored.

Isak just nodded and Even pressed his lips to Isak’s. He dropped the pizza as he scooted back from Isak. “Isak?” Even spoke quietly.

“Yeah?” Isak could feel his cheeks flushing with warmth.

“Can I make love to you?” Even asked, “Please?” he added.

Isak’s heart clenched and the words died in his throat. He nodded almost imperceptibly.

“Isak?”

“Yes,” Isak replied, “Yes, Even.”

Even smiled and took Isak’s hand in his, standing up from the table. He led Isak carefully into the bedroom and then dropped his hand, “I’m um, I’m going to wash my hands.”

“Me too,” Isak decided. They washed their hands together at the sink, taking the grease and the pizza scent off. “Um,” Isak cleared his throat, “I’m gonna brush my teeth, too.” He was nervous. Holy shit. Isak had never been so nervous in his life. His elbow nudged Even’s a few times as they brushed silently.

When he was a teenager at Nissen, Isak brushed his teeth next to Even countless times, each time fixating on Even’s mouth in the mirror and averting his eyes when he felt like Even was noticing. Now, he wasn’t so sly about it at all. In fact, he held eye contact with Even the entire time.

Isak spit into the sink and dried his mouth and hands on the towel. Even did the same as Isak turned around and walked back into the bedroom. He shut the curtains, casting the room into darkness.

He felt braver in the dark.

Even walked up behind him, gently settling his hands on Isak’s hips and ghosting his lips against Isak’s neck. Isak felt himself relax just the smallest bit more. He grabbed Even’s hands and wrapped his arms around his torso, hugging their hands to his chest. Isak felt Even smile against his skin. He held onto Isak and walked him backwards toward the bedside table.

 “Um, which should we try?” Even asked, staring down at the two bottles of lube.

Isak dislodged himself from Even and sat on the edge of the bed. He scooted closer to the pillows, shrugging.

“I don’t really know,” Isak admitted.

“I don’t either,” Even replied, picking up the water based one, “I mean, Jakob said it’s important, but I don’t think he knew there were multiple kinds.”

“Eskild didn’t say anything about different kinds either,” Isak offered.

Even nodded. “We could try this one,” he held up the silicone one, “The guy in the store seemed to like it.”

“I’m not sure what he used it for exactly,” Isak scratched his head nervously.

“Isak,” Even sat down across from him and put a firm hand on his ankle, “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, we can do  _other_ stuff,” he suggested.

Isak shook his head, “It’s not that. I want to. I’m just, I’m nervous. It seems like… I’m afraid it’s going to hurt.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Even replied softly. “We can try, I mean, you can-“

Isak knew where he was going with this, “No,” he shook his head, “You have more experience,” he spoke, “I think you should…” he didn’t know how to say the words.

“Take the lead?” Even asked.

Isak nodded, “Yeah.”

“I’ve never done  _this_  before,” Even held up the bottle in his hands. “So, if something doesn’t feel right,” he explained, “You have to tell me, okay?”

Isak nodded again.

Even tossed the bottle on the bed and leaned forward to kiss Isak’s lips. Isak instinctively lied down on his back, shuffling more toward the center of the bed.

“It’s pretty dark in here,” Even spoke, “Should we turn the lights on?” he asked, “I can barely see you.”

“No,” Isak spoke a little too quickly.

“Hey,” Even placed a hand on his cheek, “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” Isak swallowed. It was a terrible lie and he knew it.  

Even sat on his haunches over Isak’s thighs after he leaned over to turn the lamp on. Isak couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Why don’t you want me to see you?” Even asked carefully, his hand steady on Isak’s stomach.

Isak fiddled with his fingers across his chest “I’m nervous. I don’t know if you’ll like what you’ll see,” he admitted.

“Isak,” Even cupped his cheeks, “Of course I will. I’ve seen all of you before, remember?”

“Of course, I remember, but it’s different. That was more than five years ago. I was nineteen,” Isak explained.

“Isak,” Even sighed, “I want to see you, all of you. I love you.”

Isak carefully looked up into Even’s eyes. Even moved Isak’s hands to the hem of his shirt then helped Isak slip a hand up over his side beneath the fabric. “I have this scar,” Even whispered. He grabbed Isak’s other hand and moved it around his back to the longer scar on his spine, “And this one.” Isak let his fingers trace gently over the rough scar tissue. “I’m not as whole as I once was Isak, and I can’t give  _all_ of myself to you, but I want to give you what I’ve got left. I want you to see me,” he moved Isak’s right hand up higher to graze over his pebbled nipple, “I want you to feel me.”

“I want to give myself to you, too,” Isak whispered back, the emotion caught in his throat, “I’m just scared it won’t be as good.”

“As good?” Even shook his head.

“I might not be as smooth, I might not feel as nice, and, and, I might not make the same sounds as she did and I think if I see that disappointment in your eyes, it just might break me,” he admitted. It took a lot out of him and he felt his eyes water.

“Isak,” Even hushed him, “Isak, I want you,  _you_ , okay? However you are, that’s what I want. I love the way your hair feels in my fingers,” he explained, running his hands through the blond locks. “I love the way you gasp when I kiss you here,” he traced his thumb beneath Isak’s ear. Isak inhaled sharply and then Even kissed him there making Isak shudder. “I love it when you say my name when I touch you here,” he ghosted his hand over the front of Isak’s boxers.

“Even,” Isak moaned, but then Even pulled his hand away and Isak whined.

“Can we keep the lights on, baby?” Even asked, cupping Isak’s cheek. “You’re so beautiful. I want you so bad.”

Isak nodded. He gripped Even’s t-shirt and pulled him down to kiss him, rocking his hips up against Even’s. Even hiked Isak’s leg up over his hip and grinded down against him, kissing up and down Isak’s neck as he panted.

Isak felt Even’s long fingers curl beneath the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it upward. Even’s lips found the exposed skin of his chest, kissing him reverently. Isak lifted his hands above his head to help Even get the shirt off. Even sat up and pulled his own off, throwing it on the ground where Isak’s had fallen already. Isak pressed his hands to Even’s stomach, feeling the way it clenched beneath his touch.

Even fell back down on top of him, grinding against Isak once again. Isak hitched his legs up around Even’s hips and Even slid down further, rubbing himself against the fabric between Isak’s cheeks. Just the feeling of the pressure there made Isak’s eyes flutter. Even licked up Isak’s neck, kissing him hungrily across the expanse of skin there. When he sucked, Isak’s breathing sped up even more. He was moving his hands all over Even’s body, unable to settle down.

“Even,” he moaned.

“Isak,” Even shallowly thrust against Isak’s ass, “I’m so hard.” Isak swallowed thickly at the blunt pressure against him. He reached around on the sheets blindly, trying to find the bottle. Once he found it, he shoved it into Even’s hand. Even’s chest was heaving. He leaned back down to kiss Isak once more before slipping his hands beneath the band of Isak’s boxers, gripping his ass firmly. He pulled down the material and discarded them on the floor. Isak instinctively hitched his legs up, trying to hide himself, but Even just situated himself between Isak’s legs once again. “You don’t have to hide from me, baby,” he whispered gently.

He kissed down Isak’s chest to his stomach. The most sensitive part of Isak’s body was inches from Even’s mouth. Even kissed it carefully, causing Isak to twitch. Even opened the bottle, “Remember what I said, Isak. Tell me if it hurts, okay?”

Isak nodded, his eyes squeezed shut with anticipation.

“Isak,” Even spoke, “Look at me,” he asked, “Be here with me.” Even rubbed his tummy comfortingly.

“I’m here,” Isak looked down at him, “Oh God,” he moaned at just the sight of Even between his legs.

Even smiled and spread Isak’s legs apart, exposing Isak to himself. “Hey, can you pass me one of the pillows?” Even asked. Isak took one beside his head and handed it to Even. “Lift your hips? I think it might be easier.”

Isak complied and Even slid the pillow beneath Isak, elevating him slightly. Even ran his hands up the back of Isak’s thighs, pushing Isak’s knees toward his chest. Even kissed Isak’s inner thigh and Isak shook with nerves. He heard the sound of the lube being squirted into Even’s hand. Even kissed closer and closer to where Isak knew Even’s fingers were about to touch. “Ready?” Even asked.

“Yeah,” Isak nodded.

Knowing it was coming was nothing like experiencing the real thing. For one, it was cold.

Isak hissed in surprise when he felt Even’s finger and Even pulled it away immediately. “Shit, are you okay?” he asked.

Isak nodded, “It’s just cold,” he breathed out.

“Hmm,” Even rubbed the substance between his fingers, trying to warm it up. “I think it’s warmer now,” he replied.

“You ready?” he asked again.

“Yes,” Isak panted.

A slightly warmer and slick finger circled around the tight muscle of Isak’s rim slowly with just the slightest bit of pressure. Isak felt himself clench and unclench. He lifted his head to look down at Even. He looked so concentrated and nearly in awe. “I’m gonna push in now,” Even warned him.

“Okay,” Isak whispered.

It felt strange. So strange that Isak felt his thighs begging to close. Even paused as Isak tried to breathe through it. Even kept pushing in slightly and Isak clenched. It hurt. Isak hated himself for it, but it hurt.

“Isak?” Even looked up to see Isak’s scrunched face. Even paused his finger. “Isak, does it hurt, baby?”

He breathed deeply through his nose and nodded in defeat.

Even pulled out his finger slowly and crawled up over Isak, “You said you’d tell me, Isak. You have to tell me when it hurts.”

“I just,” Isak shook his head, “I need you to kiss me.”

Even leaned down to press his lips comfortingly to Isak’s. He pulled up, “I don’t want to hurt you,” he spoke gently.

Isak nodded, leaning up to kiss Even deeper, twisting his tongue with Even’s. Isak guided Even’s wrist back down his body and spread his legs further. “Like this,” Isak spoke in between kisses, “Try it like this.”

Even rubbed at Isak’s rim carefully, distracting him with kisses. When he pushed in this time, his finger was met with less resistance. It still felt foreign to Isak. When Even’s finger was about halfway in, Isak winced and Even paused, but Isak just held onto Even’s shoulder, “No, don’t stop, just kiss me for a second.”

Even used his free hand to card through Isak’s damp hair and kissed Isak sweetly before pressing in further. Isak’s face faded into something more relaxed and pleasured. He could feel Even’s finger moving around inside him.

“You’re so warm,” Even whispered, like it was a prayer or something. He slightly pulled out his finger just to push it in again slowly.

Isak panted, “Like that, keep doing that,” he asked, hugging Even around his shoulders. Even sucked on Isak’s neck as he moved his finger in and out of him, gradually picking up the pace until Isak was the most relaxed he’d been since they started.

“Can I add another, Isak?” Even spoke into Isak’s ear hotly.

“Yeah,” Isak panted. He felt another finger pushing at his entrance, trying to join the other. It burned as the finger breached him. Isak could feel that his face was so hot, his mouth fell open and his lips formed an ‘O’ as he groaned.

“Breathe, Isak,” Even shushed him, “Breathe, baby.” He kissed Isak’s scrunched up forehead.

Isak forced himself to take in a breath, nearly shaking with the effort, “Oh God.”

“Do you need me to stop?” Even asked.

“No, keep going,” Isak panted.

Even slipped in the finger all the way, two knuckles deep in Isak. He wiggled the tips of his fingers and Isak’s back arched, his hips pressing down on Even’s fingers. “Oh, oh,” he panted. “I think that’s, oh my god.”

“Feels good?” Even asked.

“A little, I think I just,” Isak panted.

“Just get used to the feeling and I’ll move them more,” Even promised.

Isak nodded and closed his eyes as Even pet through his hair. Even kissed his cheek, “You’re amazing, you know that?” It pulled a small smile to Isak’s lips.

When Isak was ready for Even to start moving his fingers again, waves of pleasure rocked through his body with each maneuver. “I didn’t think it could be like this,” Isak moaned into Even’s shoulder.

It was easiest for Even to slip a third finger in. Isak barely needed time to adjust and attacked Even’s lips hungrily. “Even, Even, Even,” he chanted his name, “Even, I’m ready.”

“You sure?” Even asked, panting above him.

“I don’t want to come yet. I want you inside me,” Isak pleaded.

Even sat back on his haunches and removed his fingers from Isak. He looked around frantically for the lube. “Isak,” he laughed breathlessly, “I lost it.”

Isak propped himself on his elbows. “What do you mean you lost it?” he asked.

“I mean, I can’t find the lube,” Even explained, a helpless grin on his face.

Isak looked around, trying to think of where they might have placed it. He lifted up his hips to check under the pillow.

“You’re so smart,” Even beamed, picking up the found bottle.

Isak let himself collapse back against the bed with a smug grin.

Even poured a generous amount onto his hand to stroke himself with. He shuddered, “Isak, I might not last very long.”

Isak shook his head, “I won’t either.” He looked over at the alarm clock on the bedside table, “But it’s not even 19:30 yet.” They had hours more to spend with each other like this.

When Even finally pushed inside Isak, he brushed away the tear from Isak’s eye, “Am I hurting you?” he asked gently.

Isak shook his head lightly, dizzy with the moment.

With each thrust that followed, Isak felt his body meld with Even’s.

Even though there was someone out there with the same genetic information as Isak, he would never feel as close to anyone as with Even in that moment. For the first time in Isak’s short life, time itself seemed to still. The universe was giving him a reprieve, even if it was only temporary. 

After, Even traced his fingers along the dips of Isak’s lower back. The tiny hairs on Isak’s skin rose up like they were chasing Even’s touch.

 _Never stop touching me_. 

With his other hand, Even reached up to brush the sweaty hair from Isak’s face, kissing the arch of his eyebrow. “How are you feeling?” Even asked quietly.

Isak rubbed his face against the warm bare skin of Even’s chest. He closed his eyes and concentrated on Even’s touch.

_Never let me go._

“I feel like we’re the only two people in the world.”

“That wouldn’t be the worst thing,” Even mused.

“No, it wouldn’t,” Isak agreed.

Later that night when Isak crawled on top of Even’s body and Even fit himself to Isak, it felt like their bodies became one. Isak half expected their rib cages to have fused like their interlaced fingers when Even once again worshipped his body and his heart.

 

 

The drive in the morning was silent between the two of them. Even held Isak’s hand when he could and gripped his notebooks and drawings close to his chest as his eyes gazed out the  car window.

“You okay?” Isak asked.

Even smiled and pulled the back of Isak’s hand up to his lips for a kiss. “I will be.”

Isak desperately hoped he was right.

There was no confusion as to which house was Madame’s on the block. She was outside, tending to her garden, the point of her nose and the deep crimson of her lipstick obvious even under the brim of her hat. They hadn’t seen her in years. It was almost like she was an apparition before them.

Isak cleared his throat, “Madame?”

The woman’s body stiffened and her eyes slowly lifted to settle on Even and Isak. She looked worried.

“Sorry,” Isak apologized, “We didn’t mean to startle you.” He wondered if the woman recognized him, “We were at Nissen,” he explained. Even gripped his hand tighter.

“I’m Isak,” he looked over at Even briefly, “This is Even.”

She took a step back from them, avoiding their eyes once again, and Isak was immediately taken back to the yard of Nissen, the memory of Madame never getting too close, never looking too long at him and the other children. He wondered if she ever felt guilty for taking their art and leaving them there to be cut apart. “We’re not here to give you trouble,” Isak promised.

“From Nissen?” she spoke, shakily pulling the gloves off her frail fingers.

“We just came to talk to you,” Even added, his voice sounding smaller than usual. He lifted the art work stuffed under his elbow awkwardly, “I brought you some things.”

When she didn’t immediately respond, Even added, “Some things you might like for your gallery.”

The features of her face softened slightly, “Come inside,” she offered.

Isak finally took a breath, realizing he’d been holding it since Even started speaking.

She led them into her parlor and asked them to wait there while she discarded her hat and disappeared into the next room. She had a few framed paintings and sketches hung up on the walls. Even nudged Isak, “Look, it’s Nissen,” he whispered.

True enough, Even’s eyes were glued to the illustration, “That’s exactly how I remember it.”

Even quickly pressed his lips to Isak’s cheek and it soothed his nerves.

“Please, sit down,” Madame’s voice sneaked up behind them. She gestured to one of the floral couches that looked stiffer than the floor. They abided anyway.

“So,” Madame spoke, not following up with more.

Even huffed nervously, “We’re in love. And it’s true, real love. It’s verifiable.”

“Verifiable, I see,” she sat across from them, “Go on.”

“Well,” Even swallowed, his fingers lacing with Isak’s, “We’d heard about the deferrals and we worked out the purpose of the Gallery.”

Madame’s eyebrows raised slightly in surprise, “Tell me the purpose then.”

“To use our art from Nissen, to look into our souls which would verify that we deserved a deferral,” Even stuttered and a nervous laugh escaped. Isak covered their joined hands with his other for moral support. Even continued, “Except, I was a bit mixed up back then and didn’t really do any art, or anything good for that matter, so you never took anything of mine.” He started backpedaling, “I know, I know that is  _my_ fault and it is probably much too late, but I brought some stuff with me today.”

Isak helped Even lay out his art on the small coffee table between them. “Show her your book?” Isak suggested.

“Oh, right,” Even opened it to Isak’s favorite drawing, one of a bear wading in a stream, and handed it over.

Isak watched nervously as Madame flipped calmly through the pages.

“Some of these I’ve done really recently and others we’re several years ago, so, so there’s a real spread of them,” Even explained. “And you already have loads of stuff from Isak. He got lots into the Gallery-”

“I’m sorry,” she cut him off, closing the book on her lap.

Isak’s heart stopped.

“I never know what to do,” she explained, shaking her head. Even placed the last drawing on the table and sat back next to Isak.

“I’ll take it from here,” a familiar voice sounded from behind Madame.

She was walking with a cane, her hair grayed and brittle, wrinkles surrounding her eyes, “Isak V and Even B. I remember you both.”

“Miss Lisbeth,” Isak whispered. It was somehow a comfort to see her.

“Isak, a bright boy, and so sensitive. And Even, a big heart and terrible rages,” she sat down with Madame, “You have to understand,” she looked to Even, “Nissen was the last place to consider the ethics of donation. We used your art to show what you were capable of. To show that donor children were all but human.” She glanced to Isak, “We were providing an answer to a question no one was asking.”

Even shook his head minutely, not quite understanding, but it was hitting Isak like a wall and he was frozen there on that couch.

She continued, “If you asked people to return to darkness, to the days of lung cancer, breast cancer, motor neuron disease, they’ll simply say no.” She paused. “We used to get two or three couple like you a year, not so much these days though. You’re the first for quite a while.”

“To apply for deferral?” Even clarified.

Isak’s heart clenched. Even still didn’t know. Or maybe he did and he was just holding onto that last bit of hope in that big heart of his.

Miss Lisbeth didn’t answer. She glanced over at Madame nervously.

Isak swallowed and he tried not to let the heartbreak poison his voice, but “There are no deferrals, Even,” cracked through the emotion there. He felt his eyes stinging and the small well of tears forming on his lower lash line.  _I’m sorry_.

Madame nodded, “There are no deferrals and there never have been.”  

Even shook his head, his breath heavy.

“We didn’t have The Gallery in order to look into your souls,” Madame clarified, “We had the Gallery to see if you had souls at all.”

Isak was in tiny little pieces, his face flush and unbearably warm with his pain. If he didn’t have a soul, he almost felt sorry for those who did when it seemed like the emotions that came with being who he was were unbearable. It must be much worse for those with souls.  _Good_ , he thought bitterly.

“Do you understand?” Miss Lisbeth asked.

Isak thought of Eskild,  _You’re more human than I am, kid_. Isak wiped away a rogue tear and nodded. It killed him.

Even didn’t say anything.

Madame held up Even’s book of drawings, “Your drawings are very good. If you want, I’ll keep them,” she offered.

She would do no such thing. Even scratched at his cheek then began collecting his things from the table, rolling them haphazardly.

Outside, Even headed straight for the car. Isak lingered and bit the bullet. He thanked Madame for taking the time to talk with him. She pitied him and wished she could help them. She told him this. Isak replied nothing, just joined Even at the car. He composed himself. He had to be strong for Even now. He had to be strong for as long as he could.

The drive for the most part was silent, a silence that was all too loud. At dusk, Isak turned the headlights on. They still had two more hours to drive.

Even’s voice was weak from not using it, “Sorry, can we stop for a second, I need to get out.”

It jarred Isak. He hadn’t heard Even speak in over five hours.

He pulled over to the side of the empty road and put the car in park, turning to Even, but he just opened the door and got out. Isak watched him pace forward about ten meters and saw his back stiffen, illuminated by the headlights.

And then Even began to scream. Bloodcurdling yells. The veins in his throat were straining. Isak winced. In this light, Even looked like a boy again. He was screaming with such pain. It was killing Isak. He rushed out of the car and ran to him, embracing Even from the side, trying to restrain his flailing arms, just trying to hold him close, to get him through it.

By the time Even’s body started to relax, Isak’s muscles were sore from trying to comfort him. Even sank to the road, sobbing first into his knees and then into Isak’s neck when he sat down with him on the abandoned pavement.

The screaming had stopped but the nightmare wasn’t over.

 

 

"I don't want to go," Even cried. 

 

 


	19. Am I hurting you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It ends with the heart

 

 

_November 1991_

Time moved differently after their visit to Madame. It was no longer linear for Isak. Time seemed to surge forward and then slow to a painstaking halt sometimes. Days passed slowly and the nights even longer, but after what felt like no time at all, suddenly months had gone by.

“Maybe it was just a test,” Even mused thoughtfully as he was drawing at the small table in their room.

Isak tried to hold in his sigh. He didn’t like the subtle cues in his body that betrayed his heart when Even had his ideas, even the less radical ones. He said nothing instead, just got up from where he was reading in the chair and sat down at the table across from Even, his index finger still stuck between two pages of _The Sound and the Fury_. Even was deeply in thought and didn’t let up from his drawing. Isak didn’t let his eyes wander lower than the narrow bridge of Even’s nose. “A test?” he asked.

“Madam, I mean, maybe she’s not allowed to issue deferrals. Maybe you have to go to someone else, or maybe she can but she just has to in secret and we just need to wait for a sign,” Even spoke, rolling his shoulders momentarily.

Isak had grown tired of entertaining Even’s ideas only to see none of them work out in the end. He loved him and he wanted to live to be old with him more than anything, but a part of himself, a part he really didn’t like, wished Even would move on or accept that the rest of their time together would be short. At least then, maybe they could try to make the most of it instead of dreaming of something unattainable.

“Maybe, in order to prove you’re truly in love _and_ have a soul, you’re not supposed to give up. Maybe we have to, I don’t know, apply again?”

Isak looked down at Even’s work, a charcoal drawing of Isak in their Oslo hotel bed, the sheets piled around his waist, his hair sweaty and stuck to his skin, a smile on his face that seemed so foreign it was almost unrecognizable now. His vision clouded, unable to see the drawing clearly. Even had lifted his palm to Isak’s cheek, shaking him from the sudden tears. “Baby,” Even cooed.

Isak inhaled deeply, wiping at his eyes with the back of his fist. He turned his face to kiss Even’s palm.

“Am I hurting you?” Even asked quietly. Even knew it pained Isak to think about deferrals, but Isak knew Even couldn’t help thinking about it.

Isak shook his head, “Can we just lie down for a bit?” He hated the way his voice broke.

Even answered quietly by taking Isak’s hand and standing up from the table, leading him over to the bed. Isak set the book pages-side down on the table, followed Even, and lied down next to him.

Even shuffled close to him, slipping his hand under his shirt and splaying it across Isak’s back to pull him closer. “Do you think Eskild’s going to be back anytime soon?”

“I don’t know,” Isak admitted. “Astrid said he left pretty suddenly, something about a sick relative.” It was strange to Isak. Eskild had always made it seem like he wasn’t close with any of his family anymore.

“I really wanted to meet him.”

“He would like you,” Isak admitted.

Even scratched lightly at his back, “And why’s that?”

“You like almonds,” Isak answered.

“Yeah, so,” Even minutely shook his head.

“Eskild likes almonds, too.”

“Oh, I see,” Even held in a laugh.

“What?” Isak replied.

“Nothing, it’s just, you sound like your six.”

Isak scoffed, “I do not.”

Even’s lips closed in a soft smile, “You know the first memory I have of Vilde?”

Isak shook his head, not knowing where Even was going with this.  

“I asked her about you, why she liked spending time with you so much,” Even answered.

“It’s because I told Matthias to stop pulling her hair in class so loud that Miss Geraldine heard and he got in trouble and never did it again,” Isak explained confidently.

“That’s not what she told me,” Even disagreed.

Isak moved his hand behind Even’s neck, scooting even closer, “No?” He was curious.

“She told me you were her best friend because you both like the color purple,” Even smiled.

Isak cracked, a small laugh escaping him. “I forgot about that. One time we both spent all our chips on a purple shirt that we shared.”

“Oh, oh, that one with the yellow bear on it?” Even asked.

“Yeah, wow, how do you remember that?”

“I just remember being really jealous seeing it on you and then Vilde two days later.”

“I can’t believe you,” Isak laughed.

“What ever happened to that shirt?”

Isak shrugged, “I gave it to Vilde before we left Nissen. I don’t know where it is now,” Isak admitted.

Even didn’t reply, just kissed Isak’s forehead and pulled him flush against his chest.

 

_July 1992_

Isak had been talking to an administrative aide when three male nurses ran past down the hallway. Just a moment later, a voice on an intercom spoke, “Violent patient in Room 107.”

Even’s room.

Isak stopped mid-conversation and ran as fast as he could. Even had been irritable for weeks, often refusing food, skipping showers, mouthing off to every nurse who did so much as check his blood pressure.

Isak heard him before he saw him, strangled yells and grunts. Inside the room, four nurses held Even down against the ground, a knee on his back between his shoulders, two knees on the backs of his thighs, hands gripping him tightly everywhere, an elbow at the back of his neck.

“Get off of him!” Isak yelled, barging in the room. He barely made contact with one nurse when a fifth came from behind and held him back at his waist. Isak thrashed as Even yelled and kicked on the floor.

“Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!” Isak begged, another pair of arms restraining him at his shoulders. Isak clenched his eyes and then opened them, taking in the state of the room. Glass was shattered, a chair broken, a large gash in the wall, the wallpaper torn. And there, holding his eye and yet smirking smugly, was the same doctor who threatened to cut out Isak’s tongue.

“You,” Isak gasped.

“Sedate them,” the doctor spoke, it was the last thing Isak heard, just moments before he felt the needle push through the skin of his neck.

 

 

Isak awoke with a headache, the light to bright to focus on anything. He was lying in a bed in a white room he’d never been in before. He wasn’t sure he was even still in the hospital. He tried to sit up but was met with resistance. Straps across his chest, waist, and knees kept him confined to the bed. The feeling made Isak quickly grow with panic.

“Don’t struggle,” the voice said. Isak’s blood ran cold. He twisted his head, trying to see him. The menacing doctor appeared from behind him. He had a cut on his cheek and his eye had swollen purple and ugly.

Good.

“Where’s Even?” Isak asked, his voice dry from no use.

“In a room like this one,” the doctor explained.

“What’s going on?” Isak asked, squirming in the restraints.

“You’re lucky,” the doctor started, “You and him are the first subjects in a newly funded study.”

“What kind of study?”

“A treatment for homosexuality,” he answered.

The panic returned tenfold. “What are you doing to us?” Isak shouted.

“A private investor has generously donated the funds for our new electroshock therapy research.”

“El-, no, I mean, I thought that ruled ineffective?” Isak argued.

“Not everyone agrees,” the doctor replied.

“You can’t, how can you,” Isak was at a loss. He was terrified and alone and somewhere nearby the same realization and fear would be coming to Even. “Please,” Isak spoke quietly, his eyes watered and stung, “Please, don’t do this,” Isak cried.

The doctor didn’t answer, just listened to Isak beg and then left the room without a word. He gave Isak just enough time to wonder if he would be coming back.

He did. And with two attendants rolling in complicated machinery and a rubbery looking helmet with wires and prongs attached to it.

Isak was hysteric when they placed it on his head. He clenched his eyes and sobbed. The doctor turned on the machine and Isak heard the low hum.

“Trial 21B.”

They set his brain on fire.

 

_February 1993_

They had branded their shoulders right below the collarbone. It teasingly lingered above their hearts. 21A and 21B. Even and Isak. They had been marked. Test subjects. Queers. Organ banks. There was never any anesthesia – not for the electroshock therapy, not for the branding. Isak knew lab rats had better treatment. They were less than animals, beasts in their perversions, but not low enough that people didn’t want their organs. That’s the only reason they were ever returned to their hospital room. A second bed had been rolled in. Isak was officially a permanent resident. Isak had pushed the two hospital beds together and locked the wheels in place. He didn’t understand why he hadn’t been ripped from Even yet. Every other aspect of their lives had been decided for them. He thought it would be easy for administration to reassign him to another patient, separate them altogether. He was too terrified to ask why that hadn’t happened yet, worried he would trigger those exact arrangements somehow. He figured it was too much of a hassle, or maybe they were easier to control when they were corralled in together.

Even was catatonic when Isak was returned to him. He didn’t start speaking again until November of ’92. It was until Christmas when Even formed full sentences. Even then, they still took all of the energy out of him.

On a night in February, Isak couldn’t sleep. And because Isak couldn’t sleep, Even couldn’t either. Isak kept his eyes closed while Even traced carefully over the marked skin of his shoulder.

“Remember how getting a scratch at Nissen was such a big deal?” Isak asked, knowing Even probably wouldn’t answer. “One time I scraped my knee, not even that bad, and I almost got in trouble for it. They cared so much about protecting our bodies when we were children.”

Even kept gently moving his fingers over Isak’s mark. “We’re not children anymore.”

“I wonder how the guardians ever made sense of it. How do you spend so much time protecting someone knowing full well they’re being raised for slaughter. We were just livestock to them.”

“You’re doing the same for me,” Even replied.

“It’s not the same,” Isak defended.

“No?” he asked.

“No, of course not,” Isak answered.

“You know I’m dying. My next donation could be any day now. My third. It could be my last one. We know how this ends.”

“It’s different,” Isak still believed. “Caring for you isn’t my job. It’s all I have left. You’re all I have left.”

“There will be another after me,” Even spoke.

“I’m 27 this year. I’m old. I know I’ll start donating soon.”

“I never thought this was what ‘growing old together’ looked like.”

“It’s not supposed to be like this.”

“Nothing’s supposed to be anything,” Even whispered.

Isak was confused. He shifted, placed a hand beneath his head, and opened his eyes. “What do you mean?”

Even didn’t look him in the eye, just kept scrolling over the mark on Isak’s shoulder. Isak glanced down at Even’s.

“I’m not sure how anything’s supposed to be. We’re not supposed to love each other. We’re not supposed to die this young. We’re not supposed to feel all these things. We’re not supposed to have souls. I don’t get it. Who or what decides how things are supposed to be? I don’t think anyone really knows. Everybody just goes along with it. Maybe we’re not supposed to be treated this, but maybe we are.”

“Ev-“ it was the most Even had spoken in months.

“No, let me finish. Maybe this really is it. Maybe we’re not supposed to want more and there’s something fundamentally wrong with us for feeling like this. Maybe we really are wrong. I don’t know what would be worse – having a soul and suffering like this, or not having a soul and not understanding why this is allowed to happen. How do we even know we’re real? Can you tell me for certain that we weren’t just programmed to be like this? Or that someone got the programming wrong and that’s why have such a hard time accepting the end? None of this feels real anymore. I don’t feel real anymore. You don’t feel real anymore.” He paused, “I’m not making any sense.” It was a question but one Even answered for himself so he said it more like a sentence.

Isak was scared and wanted to comfort Even but didn’t know how. “Please don’t say that.”

Even finally looked him in the eyes, “I know I’m hurting you. I just can’t feel it anymore.” I can’t feel anything. He pressed firmly against Isak’s skin, “I can’t feel anything.” 

Isak whined and inched closer, forcing his lips on Even’s. “Feel me,” he begged, kissing, and kissing, and kissing Even’s lips, “Feel my lips on yours. Feel me,” Isak begged, dragging Even’s palm to cover his heart. “I’m here and I love you and I want you to feel me.”

Even kissed him back, pushed his hand more firmly against Isak’s heart. He tangled a hand in Isak’s hair. He took a breath, “I’m trying. I’m really trying. I just don’t know what’s real anymore. When I dream, I dream I’m back at Nissen but everything’s just a little different. I don’t know if I’m just remembering it wrong or if I’ve just made it all up in my head.”

Isak tried desperately to hold onto the man he loved. He tried to keep it together for the both of them, “I’ll remember for the both of us. I’ll feel it all for the both of us.”

“I have to get out of here soon, Isak. One way or another. This has to end.”

“I know,” Isak whispered.

These were some of their lowest days. Some days Even felt much better. Some days he even smiled. So much time had passed since Even’s last donation, but so much had happened to them in between then and now. Isak understood what Even meant. Their lives’ had no order to them anymore and most days it was disorienting. Some days, though, they felt so disconnected to their memories and the lives they lead before they started cutting Even open that they almost felt free, even from the inside of a hospital room.

 

 

_January 1994_

It felt as though they had spent years crying. That’s what their new life had become.

It wasn’t constant. It would sneak up on them, the weight of their reality. It was usually when they had been laughing. Isak would say something only barely funny to which Even would let out a surprised laugh and Isak would join in, too. And then it would hit them, that this fit of laughing might be their last. That Isak would maybe never hear the love of his life laugh like that again.

They’d known since they were sixteen, what awaited them at the edge of the end of their lives. It wasn’t something they hadn’t heard before, but before there had been hope. Hope for a deferral and a little more time together to make up for the time apart.

So many times Isak found himself waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare about their last day together. He’d imagined it so many times so many different ways and it never felt right. It would never feel right.

On this night when he woke up, tears immediately springing to his eyes, he didn’t need to wake Even. He was already awake, eyes glistening with tears already fallen. Isak must have woken him with his squirming. Even just brushed away the wetness from Isak’s face with the base of his palm, and Isak held Even’s hand to his face. Today Even could feel.

“I wish I’d told you my feelings sooner,” Isak whispered to the small space between them.

“I wish I hadn’t lied to myself about mine,” Even whispered back. He tucked Isak’s head beneath his chin and tangled his fingers in the man’s long hair. It fell down to his shoulders now.

“I can’t imagine us that way, when we were young,” Isak admitted.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I keep thinking there’s a parallel universe where we were each others’ first kiss at Nissen, but when I try to imagine what it’s like, I can’t.”

“Does it make you angry that I wasted so much time with Sonja?” Even asked.

“I don’t think it was all wasted time,” Isak answered.

“No?” Even asked.

Isak shook his head, “I’m glad Sonja had someone to love her for a while. I don’t think Emma ever had that.”

“You loved her,” Even told him.

“Yes, but I’m not sure it was enough,” Isak admitted.

 

_July 1994_

The concept of ­ _enough_ would always evade Isak. He didn’t have enough of anything. Except maybe pain, but then again, maybe enough pain would finally mean an end to it all. Maybe Even had felt enough to the point that he didn’t believe he could feel anymore. He’d always felt there was so much in Even’s heart that one day it might burst.

They had received word in July. Even’s original had had a heart attack. It would take a few months for him to be strong enough for surgery and then Even would make his last donation. Even didn’t cry at first, just held Isak as he did. Somehow it hurt the most that the last thing they’d be taking was his lovers’ heart. Didn’t they know it belonged to Isak by now? Couldn’t they have known that it always had been Isak’s?

Hours later when the only sounds they could here were those of Isak’s breathing and the water rippling from the fountain, Even once again nearly broke Isak’s heart in the hospital garden.

“I don’t want you to see me die,” Even admitted.

Isak had tensed up, “Don’t you dare.”

“I’m worried you won’t be able to carry on,” Even explained.

Isak shook his head, “I don’t care. I don’t care!”

“Isak-“

“No, you listen to me, Even. I’ve had more people than I can count taken from me. And I won’t let you be taken from me a second earlier than you have to. I’m going to be with you until the very end, no less.”

Even was crying, “I thought maybe over the years I would get more used to the idea. I thought maybe it might get easier, accepting dying. And for a while I thought maybe I had. When I couldn’t feel anything anymore, I thought that was my body telling me I was ready. But I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I don’t think it could ever feel like I’ve had enough time.”

The concept of enough was bullshit.

 

 

_September 1994_

Three days before Even’s donation, Isak received his notification. His days as a carer were numbered. Only four left.

They spent the last days together completely. Even drawing. Isak reading. On the morning of, they woke up early to listen to music. Duran Duran. Tears for Fears. The Beach Boys. And Judy Bridgewater.

“I wished I had picked a better tape back then,” Even admitted softly as “Never Let Me Go” played from the headphones.

“No, it’s perfect,” Isak told him.

 

 

When you lose the one you love, nothing else matters.

Isak stood, shoulders slightly hunched forward, his fingers tips resting low on the glass pane of the operation room window. He tapped the glass nervously, leaving smudges. His fingernails were short and jagged from biting, a habit he’d developed in his youth and had never been able to control.

He was twenty-eight years old, but he didn’t look much older than twenty-three despite the hard years that he felt like had aged him quickly. He leaned his forehead forward on the glass and let out a long, labored breath that sprayed the window with fog. He closed his eyes and listened to the sound of his fingers on the glass. It didn’t soothe him.

The thing was, Isak was good at his job. He’d been caring for nine years and was arguably the best of his group stationed in Stavanger. His patients always did better than expected and were hardly ever classified as agitated, even when they were about to make a donation. This was what he did each time, waiting on the other side of the glass, being as close to his patients as possible during their operations. Normally, he was more professional than this, able to stand straight, breathe normally, make that small smile of comfort for his patients before their eyes fluttered closed.

Today was different. Today, Isak was falling apart. His skin felt both like it was too loose while simultaneously suffocating him. His knuckles were turning white from the pressure he was unwillingly putting on the glass with his fingers. His face was warm and his blonde hair was damp and clung to his forehead and temples. He couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes until he heard the door on the other side of the glass swing open. When he did finally open them, he was met with a stinging sensation in his eyes.

They wheeled Even in on an operating table. He was already shirtless and the sanitary blanket was draped over his body, but not high enough to hide the long scar several inches below his left nipple. Isak’s breathing picked up erratically when his eyes found Even’s. Even was leaning his head to the side, looking at Isak through the glass, a sad softness in his eyes. Isak lifted a hand higher up on the glass out of instinct, trying to reach for Even. The corners of Even’s mouth twitched into the smallest smile and then he tentatively wet his chapped lips with his tongue.

A pair of hands landed on Even’s neck, readjusting his head to look up into the bright light above him. Isak blinked away the tears as they put the mask over Even’s nose and mouth. Isak could see Even’s head slightly fighting the hands on either side of his face to turn and look toward Isak. Soon Even’s eyelids were fighting not to close, but it was useless. When they finally closed and didn’t open again, Isak’s tears were overflowing, utterly wrecking his vision as he realized he would never be able to look into that beautiful blue again.

The way Even’s head slumped to the side, the consciousness leaving his body, Isak couldn’t help remembering the way Even would drop his head onto his shoulder while lazily singing the Nissen song and how it always made Isak laugh quietly to himself. Even looked just like a boy there on the operating table.

Isak couldn’t bring himself to imagine what was to come next. Especially in this universe, he couldn’t imagine a future without Even in it. He slumped down, lightly pounding the glass, sobbing Even's name, his chest tight and heaving with pain. They spread the sanitary solution over his chest and he saw the scalpel cut through the skin of his chest.

“Stop!” an attendant burst through the operating room doors. “Stop! Stop!”

Isak was frozen. He couldn’t breathe.

“Stop,” the attendant huffed trying to catch their breath.

“What on earth?” the surgeon asked, annoyed and pulling the scalpel away. “Shit,” he muttered wiping at the blood on Even’s chest.

“Make another cut and you’ll go to prison.”

 

 

 


	20. Epilogue: Enough

 

 

_October 1994_

Even and Isak drove along the countryside, the road all too familiar. They had thought about choosing Nissen, but thought the building would be too haunting for the others. He knew the memory of Vilde would be too much to bear there. They decided on the Cottages.

The crunching sound of the wheels on the driveway felt so alarmingly familiar that Even and Isak reached for each other’s hands at the same time. They got out of the car and breathed in the fresh October air. Even took his hand and lead Isak over to the bottom of the pasture where Isak remember Jonas walking toward the horizon to be alone the day he received his notice. A small wood and wire fence had been constructed at the base of the pasture. Some debris, mostly paper and some plastic bags, had become caught in the wiring. It had been eight and a half years since Isak lost Eva. She was the first.

Looking at the fence with lost things stuck to it, Isak couldn’t help thinking about all the things and people he’d lost since childhood.

“Maybe this is where all the things we’ve lost will end up,” Isak spoke aloud to Even.

“I hope that’s true,” Even replied, squeezing Isak’s hand tighter.

“Maybe,” Isak looked out on the horizon, “Maybe if it were true and if we waited long enough, then tiny figures would appear out there,” Isak pointed, “Just across the pasture, and they’d gradually get larger until we’d see them.” He could feel Even’s eyes on his, but he couldn’t stop looking at the curve of the pasture, “Eva, and Jonas, Jakob, Lea, Emma, Sonja, Vilde, all of them. Maybe they’d wave, and call out our names.” Isak pictured their friends running toward them but didn’t speak the rest of the fantasy.

“We were lucky to have had any time with them at all,” Even whispered, holding Isak’s hand with both of his.

Isak looked over to him, his Even, “I’m still not sure our lives have been so different from the people we saved. Maybe none of us really understand what we’ve lived through,” he swallowed, “Or feel we’ve had enough time.”

“We have some mending to do,” Even responded.

That’s what they would do. Since Even and Isak’s story, though their names had been protected at Isak’s request, became public to the people of Oslo thanks to Eskild, the country became outraged with the lies they’d been fed. People were finally starting to understand what corruption lived in the National Donor Program.

Patients were released and granted basic human rights. They became refugees in their own country, tasked with adapting to a new environment, one in which their lives were their own.

The doctor who unsuccessfully tested electroshock conversion therapy on Even and Isak and many others was sentenced to life in prison and stripped of his credentials. Other officials in different donation centers met similar fates.

Eskild started the Human Enough Project, an organization dedicated to the rehabilitation of former donors and carers. Suddenly, there were hundreds of donors without families or friends or places to go. Even and Isak offered to open a sanctuary for any and all donors who felt alone.

Others like their sanctuary would sprout up all across Norway.

In a few months, Eskild would insist on a ribbon cutting ceremony at the Cottages. Every day, new people looking for a home would arrive. Some when they saw the branding on Even or Isak’s shoulder would break down crying, or shout with relief, “I thought I was alone.”

“You’re not alone,” Even and Isak would reply. It became a mantra and the rallying call for the Human Enough Project.

 

 

_January 1998_

On a cold and quiet day that winter, Even and Isak heard a knock on the door for the first time in many months. Most whom they had welcomed to their sanctuary found family or friends and decided to try out lives on the outside.

Even answered the door and called to Isak who was sitting and reading by the fire. He joined Even at the door and lost his breath with the sight of the familiar stranger on the stoop.

“I was a friend of Vilde’s,” the man explained.

Isak took in his matted blonde hair and the pink of his cheeks from the cold. He looked kind and Isak couldn’t help the way his emotions flooded him. He knew this man was there for Vilde the way Isak had his friends at the Cottages. It felt like a lost friend coming home though Isak had never met him before.

“Magnus,” Isak gasped.

Magnus’ eyes lit up, surprised but thankful to be recognized.

Isak pulled him into a hug, “Welcome, Magnus. Please, come inside.”

 


End file.
